He grabbed her then, pulling her into his arms and holding her tight. Rubbing her back, stroking her hair. “I’m so sorry. About all of it. I wish I could have been there for you then, but I’m here now. It’s time to let it out, Jackie.”
At first, she stayed rigid, fighting it. But then her chest hitched and her forehead banged into his chest, and the next thing he knew, things did indeed get ugly. The woman he loved – hell, he’d been in love with her since that weekend, if he were honest – finally caved and let go of her grief, melting into his arms.
Thirteen
For the first time in twelve years Jackie gave in. What was it about Beck that crawled inside her and flipped that pain-in-the-ass switch? The one that shut down every lesson her mother – DelRay University of Toughness President – taught her.
Right now, Mom would be appalled. As much as they adored each other, weakness had no place in Jackie’s world.
Mom’s not here.
Thank you very much, God of Lucky Breaks. There was only so much Jackie could handle and her mother thrown into this hot mess wouldn’t help any of them.
Forget. That’s all Jackie wanted, to just let it all go. Everything. The mistakes she’d made, the secrets she’d kept.
The failure.
Would it even be possible? With Beck, yes. She’d experienced that first hand in Ft. Lauderdale.
Stop. She pushed her reeling thoughts from her mind and nuzzled Beck’s neck, inhaling his faded soapy scent that brought her back to a beach, salt air, and falling a little bit in love.
She’d never get that time – or her bad decisions – back. “I’m so sorry,” she said.
“Sssh. There’s nothing to be sorry for.”
His voice was gentle, his breath warm against her ear and it sparked something long forgotten. Being with him like this was such a mistake. But...so good.
“I lost our baby,” she said.
“Not your fault.”
“I wanted a boy. One who would look like you and play ball too. Do everything like you. A Beck mini-me who’d bring me peace, love, and laughter. All the things I had with you for that little while.” She shook her head. “It’s a dream, I know. Too perfect. I don’t care. I let myself believe it because we got robbed.”
“I wish you’d have told me.”
“I was going to. I swear. When I found out – I did one of those stick tests – I was alone in my apartment. I sat there on top of that stupid vanity while I waited for the results. When I saw the plus sign I was stunned. Condom gone wrong, I guess. I don’t know, but something happened. I panicked at first. And then, the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was okay. Well, not okay, but meant to be. I had our baby inside me. A life. And I knew I’d keep him. Raising a child while in law school would be a challenge, but our baby needed me. I just had to wrap my mind around it for a couple days. When I did, I knew I couldn’t keep it from you.”
“So what happened?”
“You know me, I made a plan. I got your dorm number from Gracie. My friend that was with Henry that night.”
“Did you call? I never got a message.”
“I did, but Henry told me you were in New York on a modeling shoot. He gave me your cell number, but said you had a 4 a.m. call time the next day, so you were probably asleep. I told him I’d call you in the morning. I just wanted you to know. Not because I wanted anything. I had everything I needed and wasn’t about to force you to be in our lives, but you had a right to know. Then I woke up to bloody sheets. I went to the doctor and he told me our baby was gone.”
All at once, it hit her. The rage, sadness, and relief of finally, finally telling the man he’d almost been a daddy, but wasn’t.
Again.
A pounding fist rammed her chest and the pressure cracked something open. Her ribcage coming apart. Oh, she hated this. Despised the power it still had over her all these years.
Beck wrapped her in his arms again, squeezed her tight. “Ssshhh,” he said. “You’re okay. I promise, you are.”
“I never told anyone. I swear. Chessie knows we slept together, but that’s it. I had to tell him. All this time, I kept it to myself.”
“Why?”
Well, that question might be truly offensive. What did he think? That she ran around telling everyone but him he’d almost been a father. “What do you mean, why? How the hell could I tell someone else when you didn’t even know? It wasn’t fair to you. And then, when I got the job in DC and you walked into court, what was I supposed to say. Guess what? You got me knocked up. How could I do that?” She gripped the back of his shirt. “I didn’t know how to do it. And then you got mad at me about Donlin and there was no way I could tell you.”
“It’s...all right. I know now. Chessie knows we were together?”
“He damn near beat it out of me. He was concerned over my”–she rolled one hand–“emotional involvement. Like you, he’s a good investigator. Reads people well. He knew something was up.” She met his gaze and held it. “I lost your baby but I wasn’t about to have you lose your freedom.”
“You took my case because you couldn’t have my baby?”
Ew. When he said it like that, it sounded bad. Really bad. But… “I failed you.”
“You didn’t.”
“I did. As twisted as it sounds, that’s how it feels to me. It’s more than that, though. It was that time we had together. That one amazing spring break that let me relax and have fun. Not be so driven and focused. I lived a little that night. You made me feel things I’d never felt and I forgot all the pressure that came with being the only daughter of Marianna DelRay. It was a gift and I loved you for it. I will always love you for it.”
Phew. All these years she’d kept her feelings, some she hadn’t realized she’d had until Beck was arrested, under lock and key. Not letting anyone in. She should have talked to someone. A friend. A shrink. Whoever. Somehow, she couldn’t. Couldn’t let go of it. Maybe it was her excuse to stay focused. To build a career. No husband, no kids, but she had one hell of a career.
Did it make her pathetic or ambitious? Did it matter?
He kissed her.
And there was nothing soft about it. He simply hauled her into him and went to work. No complaints, here. She gave as good as she got and welcomed the kiss, bending into him, pressing every inch – every inch – against him. The hard swell of his erection told her exactly what Beck wanted and her mind ticked back twelve years. The short walk on the moonlit beach, their clasped hands swinging while they laughed over some dumb guy in the bar ready to take on a bunch of hulking Alabama jocks. As they walked, Beck told her about his dream of moving to DC.
Then he’d stopped walking, staring at her under the moonlight with the lapping waves of low tide behind them. When he dipped his head, she’d let it happen. Let his lips glide over hers until her body responded. Tingling breasts and hardening nipples that begged for his attention. The good girl turned sex kitten as her completely sober system let loose a burst of lust that startled and horrified her.
Just like now.
“God,” she said, tearing her lips free. “Every time. I don’t know what it is, but you make me crazy.”
She moved in again, kissed him hard, driving her tongue into his mouth and rocking her hips into him, imagining that second, that incredible moment, after all these years, when he’d slide inside her.
It was all too much. The heat, the want, the passion. So long she’d been without. Searching for that skin-on-skin connection, that closeness she’d only ever experienced with him. A total stranger that took her places no lover ever had.
Beck.
Magic.
“Bedroom,” he said, his mouth still on hers.
She backed up, bringing him with her, but at this rate it would take all night to get there. Not that she was in a hurry, but they had lost time to make up for.
He pulled his hand away, locked both of them around her biceps and set her back a step. “Fuck this.”
“Huh?”
And then she was airborne, just flying through the air until she landed over his shoulder. He moved fast down the hallway.
“Take me, big boy.”
He laughed and again she was back in Ft. Lauderdale, in that crappy motel room, cracking jokes to alleviate her nerves and making hunky Beck laugh.
From over his shoulder, she smacked him on the ass. “I love when you laugh at my jokes. It gets me hot.”
“I remember.”
He made the turn into the bedroom where the glow of a streetlight bullied its way through the blinds.
“Hang on,” he said, gently lowering her to the bed.
Beck stepped back – wait.
“Watch the – ”
Crap. Her Superman, her athletic hunk stumbled backward over the giant pile of dirty clothes she’d yet to wash. He caught himself on the tall dresser, landing on the chair near the door.
“Jesus, Jackie. Are you trying to kill me?”
“Sorry! It’s my dirty clothes. I haven’t had time to do laundry.”
Still seated, he kicked off his shoes and went to work on the buttons of his shirt. A multi-tasker. Excellent.
“Well,” he said, “you need to get organized. I can help with that.”
“Honey, there’s only one thing I want your help with right now.”
Even in the dim light, his smile flashed and...oh, she couldn’t stand it. She wiggled out of her slacks and not bothering with the buttons, tore her blouse over her head. She tossed it somewhere in the vicinity of her dirty clothes pile and Beck let out a sigh.
A lecture on proper care of her clothing was sure to come. “Don’t start, glamour boy. The least you can do is give me an earth-mover of an orgasm before you yell at me.”
He slipped out of his boxer briefs and stood and...my, my, my.
“Well, look at you,” she said. “Still working out religiously, I see.”
He moved closer, unhooking her bra and peeling it down her arms. Progress was halted when she wrapped her fingers around the full, hard length of him.
And stroked.
Beck tipped his head back and she locked her gaze on his throat and the throb of his pulse. Still stroking, she got up on her knees, ran her tongue along that spot on his neck and her mind flashed back again to the crappy motel mattress. The two of them falling onto it, laughing at the squeaky springs. Squeaking or not, they’d managed to make good use of that bed.
If she had her way, they’d do an even better job now.
She ran her free hand up his abs to his chest where his heart pounded against her palm. She paused and twirled her fingers into the fine chest hairs that added to the fun of touching him.
“I like touching you,” she said.
She did. Every single inch of him.
His eyes darkened into that stormy blue she’d seen their first time together and Jackie’s hands, already anticipating the replay of an incredible night, twitched. She was so ready for this.
“Jackie?”
“Yes?”
“I’m going to make you scream.”
She held his gaze, returning the naughty smile, maybe even raising the screw-me-now factor. So fun, that. “Please do.”
Gently, he nudged her back on the bed, crawling along next to her until they were both on their sides, facing each other, taking in the moment and in no particular rush.
Then he moved his hand over her, across her breasts where his gentle fingers brushed her nipples. She rolled to her back, giving him full access and he wasted no time replacing his fingers with his mouth. He sucked, gently at first, and then harder until she arched up.
“Mmm,” he said, “some things never change.”
He remembered. That first night, he’d discovered her highly sensitized nipples and drove her half mad by giving them extra attention. Tongue, teeth, lips, all of it sent her to one heck of an epic orgasm. Now, apparently, he intended a do-over.
But, God, it had been so long and what she wanted, needed, right now was him. Inside her.
She pulled free of his mouth and grabbed his cheeks, dotting kisses along his mouth and neck as she locked one leg around his hip.
“I want you,” she said. “Now.”
His hand went to her waist and he stroked his thumb over her belly button. “You in a hurry?”
After twelve years? He’d better believe it.
“I am. If I get my way, we’ll have plenty of time to play after.”
Then he was gone, rolling away from her taking all that luscious Beck sexuality and heat with him. He dug around in his pants, retrieving his wallet.
Condom.
After what he’d experienced with Portia, the man probably kept boxes of them around.
A minute later, he was beside her again, condom in place. “Sorry,” he said.
“Don’t apologize for being responsible. I love that about you.”
She pushed her fingers through his hair, enjoying the silky feel while his own hands moved down her torso. Then lower.
And lower.
Where he plunged his finger into her finding out just exactly how much she wanted him.
She opened her legs and he stroked her. “Jesus, Jackie.”
“Please.” She grabbed his wrist. “Play later. Come inside me.”
Without taking his eyes from her, he removed his hand and slowly slid over her, nestling his body – and extremely hard erection – between her legs. His weight pushed her into the mattress, wrapping all around her, once again giving her that feeling of safety and...peace.
Sanctuary.
Right here, with Beck.
He plunged into her, letting out a gasp.
“Oh, yes,” she said.
He lifted himself and she clamped her hands over his rear, guiding him back, loving the feel of him, the connection she’d been without for so long.
Stroke after stroke, skin against skin, they moved together, their bodies remembering and rediscovering. She wanted everything. The old, the new, the unexplored. All of it with Beck.
He propped himself up on his elbows and brushed his lips against hers as he moved inside her. She opened her eyes, found him staring down at her and arched up again, grinding into him, forcing him to pick up the pace.
She knew what she wanted. Him. All day. All night.
“It was so good between us,” she said. “So good.”
“I know. I never had that before or ever again.”
He rocked into her once more and her body went taut. A knot of tension spiraled in her core, rising higher and higher and she gripped his shoulders, digging her nails into hard muscle. Hanging on. Not yet. Please, not yet.
Years she’d dreamed of him and now she wanted it to last. And last.
But no, her body had other ideas. She swung her head sideways and slammed her eyes closed.
“Please don’t stop,” she said.
And he didn’t, he drove into her, pumping his hips harder and harder and finally she opened her eyes, met his gaze and – oh, wow – her body bowed up as it gave itself over.
Still inside her, Beck hooked his arm around her waist, bringing her with him as he rolled to his back.
She knew what he wanted. They’d been here before. Sitting on top of him, she rocked her hips, driving him deeper inside. He threw one arm up over his eyes and her nipples tingled at the sight of all that perfect muscle.
Beck.
“You’re beautiful,” she said. “I could do this all night with you.”
He moaned and bucked his hips again. “You just might. It’s so good, Jackie.”
“I know.”
He dropped his arm, met her gaze and grabbed her hips, setting the pace he wanted. “Right there,” he said. “You’re gonna make me…”
He stopped talking, squeezed her hips hard and come on, come on...yes...cried out.
But he kept pumping his hips and guiding her over him as the orgasm tore into him. “So good.”
Finally, he stopped moving and
came to rest under her. Still joined, but needing the extra contact, Jackie collapsed forward, falling onto him. He brought his arms around her, gliding his long fingers over her back and sending sparks of warmth up her spine.
She rested her cheek against his chest where his heart slammed. They’d worked hard together.
Just like the first time.
“Jackie?”
She lifted her head and met his gaze. “Yes?”
“I missed you.”
Fourteen
Beck, Matt, and Teeg sat around the conference table at Schock Sisters Investigations, all with laptops, plenty of hot coffee, and their respective love for digging into people’s personal lives.
Beck downed his morning protein shake, following it with a big swig of coffee. Jackie’s revelation the previous night, and the hours of love-making that followed, had him both wired and exhausted. He didn’t want to let her out of his sight, but she was processing where their relationship had gone over the span of the last few hours and needed some time on her own. He was beginning to understand more about what made her tick and how she handled the curveballs life threw at her. Getting the secret about their unborn child off her chest had granted her some peace, but it had also resulted in them culminating their relationship. Again.
And this time, they weren’t college kids on spring break. She was his attorney and he was her client. Her heart and body wanted him, but the ethical implications of their night of passion were bugging the shit out of her.
Beck’s ability to compartmentalize things came in handy, but this morning he wasn’t sure he could. His chest cavity felt hollow when he thought about the children he’d lost. There was no going back, no fixing it, but he recognized a part of him needed closure. Once this was all over and they found Annabelle’s killer, he needed to do some soul searching and try to find peace.
Jackie had gone to the office to check in with Josh on another case they were working and to talk to Chessie about the details he’d compiled about Annabelle’s work and friends. While she did that, Beck and the other two at the table were digging beyond what Chessie could into Annabelle’s digital world.
Defending Justice Page 16
