He moved into the room and sat on the bed, patting the area next to him. When Cindy eased down beside him, he wrapped his arm about her shoulders and said, “Sweetheart, God does not grant every wish a person asks for.”
“I know. Jesse told me He knows what is best and sometimes things happen differently than we want for a reason we may not know at the time. But I have to tell Him what I want. How important it is to me.”
The hand about his heart tightened. He struggled to bring air into his lungs. He couldn’t even tell Cindy they would be back next summer. After his discussion with Jesse yesterday, he knew that wouldn’t be a good idea. She had so much to offer a man. What if she had found a husband by next summer? How could he live next door to her and want—
He shook that thought from his mind and stood. “Cindy, we need to get on the road. I want to be in Chicago by dark. Do you have everything in the car?”
With eyes glistening, she nodded.
Nick drew her to him and held her tightly against him for a long moment. “I love you, honey. We’ll get back into our life in Chicago and everything will be fine.”
Cindy pulled away, a tear rolling down her cheek. “No, it won’t.” She ran from the bedroom, pounding down the stairs.
Nick listened to her open the front door and slam it shut. The quiet in her bedroom taunted him, eroding his composure he had so carefully erected over the past twenty-four hours. He released a deep breath out through pursed lips and headed for his SUV.
* * *
Jesse stood in the middle of her kitchen, unsure of what to do. Through the window over the sink she glimpsed Nick’s car in the driveway, packed and ready to go. She had to say goodbye to Cindy, but her legs wouldn’t move toward the door. If she saw Cindy, she would see Nick and she didn’t know if she could handle that encounter.
Nick and Cindy were leaving today. For good. She knew he wouldn’t return next summer and that decision was for the best. How could she live next door to him and not dream of more? And the longer she was around him the more she would want that dream.
The doorbell chimed.
“I’ll get it,” Nate yelled and clamored down the stairs, the sound echoing through the house.
It would be Cindy coming to say goodbye. Jesse willed her legs to walk toward the entry hall. If she saw the little girl now, maybe she could avoid Nick. That thought prodded her to move faster.
“I prayed, too,” her son said as Jesse came into the entry hall.
“It didn’t work. Daddy and I are leaving in a few minutes.” Cindy hung her head, her shoulders hunched.
“What didn’t work?” Jesse asked, wanting to make sure the children weren’t up to something else.
“Praying for Cindy to stay here.”
“Oh,” was all Jesse could think of to say. The pain in the children’s eyes reflected her own hurt.
“Cindy. Cindy!” Nick shouted from his front yard.
“You’d better go. It sounds like your dad is getting worried.” Hugging the child, Jesse kissed the top of her head. “I hope you’ll write to us.”
Cindy nodded. “I’ve got your e-mail address.” Instead of leaving, she threw her arms around Jesse again and clung to her.
“Cindy, we need to go now.” Nick appeared in the open door, a neutral expression on his face.
He was a master at hiding behind an expressionless facade, Jesse thought, wishing she could disappear. Now she must say goodbye to him as well.
“But, Daddy—”
“Now, young lady.”
Cindy let Jesse go and stumped to the door, a frown firmly in place as she passed her father and headed down the steps. Nate went after her.
Jesse wanted to shout to her son not to leave her alone with Nick, but the words clogged in her throat. She cleared it and said, “Have a safe trip.” Moving toward the door, she grasped the handle, ready to shut it as soon as possible.
Nick opened his mouth to say something but pressed it closed. For a second an emotion—regret?—flickered in his eyes, but quickly that bland expression descended. “Goodbye, Jesse.” He pivoted and hurried toward his SUV.
Jesse watched for a couple of seconds too long, then finally closed the front door. Collapsing back against the wood, she squeezed her eyes shut to keep the tears inside. She would not cry over him. This was for the best. A relationship wouldn’t have worked out between them because…
For the life of her she couldn’t think of one reason it wouldn’t. She knew there were reasons but her mind went blank. Her heart ruled and it bled.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
“Anyone want any more iced tea?” Jesse asked, holding up the glass pitcher.
“No, I’ll float home if I have a refill. As it is I spend half my time in the bathroom.” Darcy set her tall glass down on the coaster.
Zoey laughed. “That’s what being pregnant does to a woman. Reduces her to checking out every rest room everywhere she goes. I should know. I’ve got three kids.”
“That, or standing on the scales moaning about all the pounds she is gaining.” Tanya took the pitcher and poured some more tea.
“True. I’m already gaining faster than I should, and I’m only three and a half months pregnant. What in the world am I going to look like in a few more months? The Goodyear blimp?”
“I got to raise three children without the wonders of being pregnant. I think I lucked out after listening to you all.” Beth grabbed a chocolate chip cookie from the platter on Jesse’s coffee table.
“Yeah, in a few months you won’t know what to do with all your free time,” Zoey said.
“I can’t believe Daniel’s finally graduating from high school. It’s been a long battle to get to this place, but after he goes off to college in January, I’m a free woman.”
Jesse sank down onto a lounge chair, tired, her heart not really into this weekly Saturday afternoon gabfest even if the four other women were her good friends. She listened to them talk about school starting, raising children and dieting, all subjects she usually commented on. But not this time.
Darcy had started this circle of friends because of Tanya’s and Zoey’s needs a few months back. Now Jesse found she needed their support, but wasn’t sure how to ask. She’d never been good at asking for help.
Darcy cocked her head and looked at Jesse. “You’re awfully quiet. What’s up? Nick?”
Leave it to her best friend from high school to home in on what was eating at her, Jesse thought and said, “Yes. They’ve been gone a month and I still think about him every day. I’m even dreaming about him.” She gestured toward her face. “Hence the tired lines.”
“Did you tell him how you felt about him?”
“What do you mean?”
“Did you tell him you loved him?”
“I don’t—I mean, I love Cindy and care for Nick. I—”
Darcy held up her hand. “Hold it right there. You love him, Jesse.” She motioned toward her face. “Hence the tired lines.”
“Tell him. How can he make a good decision about the future without all the information?” Beth picked up her glass, running her finger along its edge.
“I can’t call him. I don’t have his number. It’s unlisted.”
“You looked it up?” Tanya asked, snatching up a cookie and taking a bite.
Jesse nodded. “One night right after he left. I wanted to make sure he got home okay.” That was the feeblest excuse because Cindy had e-mailed them when she had arrived.
“There are other ways of contacting him. You know where he lives. You have his e-mail address. You could call him at work. Why haven’t you tried harder?” Beth took a sip of her drink, then replaced her glass on the coaster.
If her friends had said this to her two weeks ago, Jesse would have broken down and cried. But she didn’t have any tears left in her. Her emotions were dried up. Where her heart beat there was emptiness. “I don’t want to be hurt anymore. I made it through Mark’s death. I thought I had protected myself against that k
ind of pain. I was wrong. Nick made me relive it all over again when he left. I only knew him for two months and I fell hard for him. Those feelings scare me.”
“It means you are alive. Haven’t you heard love is what makes the world go around?”
“That coming from the only married woman in the group,” Jesse said, a headache beginning to form behind her eyes.
“Hey, Zoey and Tanya are still married.” The instant Darcy said those words, she clamped her hand over her mouth, her eyes wide. “I’m so sorry, Zoey and Tanya.”
Zoey smiled but there was a sadness in her eyes. “I am married. That is a fact. Ignoring it won’t change it. Just because my husband has disappeared, is probably dead, doesn’t mean you all have to watch what you say around me. It’s been a year.”
Tanya finished chewing her cookie. “Even though my husband is in prison, I’ll stand behind him. I made a vow to God that I would.”
“We’re quite a group, aren’t we?” Beth shifted, uncrossing her legs.
“We are. I appreciate your advice and I will think about trying to call him. I don’t think it will make any difference that I love him. We live too far apart.”
“That can be changed. He could live here. You could live there.” Zoey brushed her long hair behind her shoulders.
“I’m not talking about mere miles. He hasn’t been able to forgive himself or his wife and without that I don’t think we could ever be truly happy. His past would come between us.”
“Let’s pray.” Beth held out her hands.
Everyone joined hands and bowed their heads.
“Dear Heavenly Father, bless this group with Your wisdom. We give You thanks for all You have done for us. Please guide us in what needs to be done and especially help Jesse through this difficult time. Amen.” Beth looked up at Jesse. “Talk to Nick. Let him know how you feel.”
As Jesse cleaned up after her friends left, she thought back over their advice. E-mailing was out of the question—too impersonal. Should she call Nick at work? Or, should she go to see him? Her hands trembled as she put the dishes in the sink. If she did anything, she should do it in person. But could she see Nick again? What if he had moved on, didn’t care? How could she face his indifference?
* * *
“That will be all. Go home, folks.” Nick closed the file on his desk and waited until his three vice presidents filed out of his office before he allowed the exhaustion he felt to show.
His shoulders hunched, he collapsed back in his chair and spun around to view the lights of Chicago. Nighttime. He should have been home an hour ago, but the meeting had gone over and now he wouldn’t arrive before Cindy was in bed. He liked reading to her before she went to sleep, but Boswell would in his place. That thought didn’t settle the restlessness he experienced more and more since coming home to Chicago.
Nothing satisfied him—not even work. The only time he felt remotely at peace was when he attended church with Cindy. When he stepped through the sanctuary’s doors, he felt as though he wasn’t alone in this world—that God was truly with him. The first Sunday had surprised him. Now he looked forward to going to church and experiencing the peace in his soul.
Nick gathered up some papers to review and stuck them in his briefcase. Quickly he headed for the elevator and the car that would be waiting for him downstairs in front of his office building.
On the short drive home he laid his head on the cushion and closed his eyes, trying to remember a night when he had gotten enough sleep. Not since Sweetwater. Not since his dreams were haunted by Jesse—by the promise her laugh brought to him. She had shown him the way back to the Lord. She had given him his life back with his daughter. What was he doing in Chicago?
When the driver stopped in front of his apartment building, Nick climbed out and hurried to the penthouse elevator. Maybe Cindy was still awake. He needed to hold his daughter. To see her smile. To chase away the demons that plagued him.
Inside his apartment that took up the whole top floor of the building, he saw the skyline of Chicago lit up with lights, the lake beyond. He didn’t stop to admire the view but tossed his briefcase on the large round table in the middle of the foyer. He strode through the elegant living room with its drapes open, down the hall toward Cindy’s room.
Boswell met him as he came out of his daughter’s room. “I just read her a story. Even though she was fighting sleep, I believe she is still up.”
“Good.” Nick stepped around Boswell and peered into Cindy’s room.
His daughter had slipped from between the sheets and knelt beside the bed. She folded her hands and said, “God, I almost forgot to pray to You. Please bless Daddy, Boswell, Jesse—”
Nick didn’t want to interrupt his daughter while praying. He was glad she had added praying into her nightly routine. He even found himself ending his day with a prayer to the Lord. He remembered his first few awkward attempts. But Jesse had once said to him that praying was like having a conversation with the Lord. It didn’t have to be fancy—just plain and simple and from the heart. After recalling that advice it had been easy for him.
“—and God, don’t forget my request for a new mother. Please make sure Mommy doesn’t mind. I still love her, but I want someone to make my daddy happy because he’s the best daddy in the world and he deserves it. I want Jesse.”
His throat constricted. He wanted Jesse, too. Why hadn’t he seen what she had done for him and Cindy? Why had he run away from the best thing that had happened to him? Because he was afraid he couldn’t make Jesse happy as she deserved. Because he hadn’t been a good husband in his first marriage.
“Daddy, you’re home!”
Nick forced his attention on his daughter, smiling and walking into her bedroom. “I couldn’t let you go to sleep without saying good-night to me.”
When he bent down to give her a kiss, Cindy threw her arms around his neck. “I’ve already had a story, but you can read me another one.”
“I can, can I? Which one?”
Cindy grabbed the book that Boswell had obviously been reading from her nightstand. “This one. He read chapter five.”
“So I should read the next chapter.” Nick sat on the bed and let Cindy snuggle against him.
He opened the book to chapter six and began to read. Halfway through the second page he noticed that Cindy was asleep. He slipped his arm from around her shoulders and stood. After tucking her in, he grabbed Cindy’s Bible and left her bedroom, glancing back at his precious daughter as he switched off the overhead light, something she liked left on until she fell asleep.
Wearily he walked into the living room and sat in a chair near the bank of floor-to-ceiling windows. He stared out into the dark night, lit with thousands of lights from the many buildings. He had some thinking to do. He could continue with his life the way it was—only half full—or he could make a change, a drastic change.
He opened the Bible and read through the story of Christ. The words of hope took root in his heart and grew as the Lord’s message to His people flowed through his mind, stirring his faith that had laid dormant for so long. When he finished reading Luke’s account of Jesus’s life on Earth, Nick closed the book and absorbed the peace he felt. He knew what he had to do. What if Jesse rejected him? What if she had gone on with her life never giving him another thought? How could he face her disinterest?
He sighed, staring unseeing at the darkness beyond his windows. Exhaustion clung to him like a wet blanket. His eyelids grew heavy. He closed them and leaned back, relaxing in the lounge chair. Sleep whisked him into the land of dreams….
Someone shook his arm. He heard a child’s voice through the fog and tried to focus on it.
“Daddy, wake up. What are you doing out here?”
Slowly Nick opened his eyes and looked at his daughter standing at his side with her forehead creased, her eyes dark with concern.
“Are you all right?” Cindy held her Bible clasped to her chest.
He straightened in the lounge chair
, blinking at the bright light streaming through the windows. “What time is it?”
“Eight.”
“Eight!” He started to rise, stopped himself and settled back into the chair. He remembered the dream he’d had the night before. It was Jesse and his wedding and his daughter stood at Jesse’s left while Nate stood at his right. The sense of well-being still encased him with satisfaction. The dream had confirmed what he must do if he was ever going to be happy.
He patted his lap and Cindy leaped up into it. “Honey, would you mind if I went away for a few days?”
She frowned. “Where?”
“To Sweetwater.”
“I want to go.”
“If all goes well, you’ll be going back to Sweetwater permanently. I’m going to ask Jesse if she will marry me.”
Cindy didn’t say anything for a good minute, then she let out a holler that Nick was sure they heard on the street below. This was the right decision. He knew it in his heart.
* * *
“I’m sorry, Mr. Blackburn is out of the office for the next few days. May I take a message?”
Jesse sank down onto the chair by the phone. “Yes, tell him—no, I’ll call back later.” She hung up, disappointed and relieved at the same time.
Wiping the perspiration from her brow, she thought about the wisdom of telling him how she felt over the phone. Maybe she should go to Chicago and see him in person? It had taken her several days since meeting with her friends on Saturday even to get the courage up to make the call to his office.
Lord, help me. I don’t know what to do.
She heard the front door opening and closing. Nate yelled he was home and then the sound of him charging up the stairs floated to her. Still she couldn’t decide how to proceed with Nick. She chewed on her bottom lip and stared at the floor as though the tiles had an answer written on them.
Someone cleared his throat. Jesse looked up, her heart hammering against her rib cage. Nick.
Frozen, she stared at him as hard as she had the floor. Was he a mirage?
Then he moved farther into the kitchen, a smile deep in his eyes. “Hello, Jesse.”
A Mother for Cindy Page 18
