“What are you doing?” I asked.
I barely recognized my own voice … It sounded raw and deep.
He turned my way, his sad eyes moving over my face before he turned and added another strip of bacon to the pan.
“I thought you guys might be hungry,” he replied.
We weren’t his concern. I’d never be his concern. I didn’t need him, and I certainly didn’t want him.
“Did you stay here last night?”
I didn’t want him here. Sure, our home was his home, as well, but none of that mattered anymore. My parents were gone, and they were the glue holding everything together.
He nodded. “I stayed in my room.” He turned the stove off and moved the pan away from the heat. Then his eyes were on me again, making me feel itchy and angry. “You scared me yesterday, Nicole.”
“Don’t worry about me,” I snapped. “I’m fine. Everything’s fine.”
He shook his head. “That’s a lie, and you know it.”
He tossed some bacon on a plate and added some eggs.
“You need to eat and keep up your strength.”
He placed the plate on the counter for me, but I didn’t move from my spot. “Again, I said don’t worry about me. Actually,” I said, moving closer to him on shaking legs, “you can just leave. We don’t need you here, and honestly, I don’t want you here.”
Every time I looked at him, all I saw was him and that girl. I saw her hands on him. I heard him calling out her name. It sickened me, and with everything I had going on, it was one more thing I didn’t want to think about.
Hurt filled his dark eyes. Usually, I’d feel bad. Before, I would’ve never hurt Tyson this way, but things had changed, and seeing the pain in his eyes did nothing to me. I was happy the numbness was slowly making its way back into my veins. The less I felt, the better.
He nodded, setting the spatula on the counter by the sink, and then he walked past me. I stood there, listening as he made his way to the door. The sounds of his keys rattling filled the foyer, and then the front door opened and closed.
I shut my eyes, shutting out the tiny bit of pain that somehow broke through my numb barrier. I’d made the right decision. Tyson was the last thing I needed in my life. Plus, being around him made me feel uncomfortable and brought up things I wanted to forget. Things like a girl moaning on top of him. Things like him telling her how amazing she was. I couldn’t do it.
THINGS CONTINUED TO go downhill from there, making me wonder what I’d done in my life that was so terrible.
What had I done to deserve so much pain and loss?
It started with Mom and Dad’s insurance money. Dad had let one of his policies lapse, literally, a week before their accident. That made no sense to me since Dad was always on top of things, but maybe the holidays had kept him busy … Maybe he just forgot.
Either way, it meant we were left with just enough money to pay off the house, which I’d found out my parents had taken a second mortgage out on, and cover the funeral costs.
I’d gone my entire life thinking my parents had everything together, but I’d been wrong. They made sure we had everything we needed, but apparently, they’d been struggling a bit behind the scenes. It made me respect them even more for never showing their struggle—for never putting anything like financial issues on Brian and me. But at the same time, I was upset since they’d left with things unsettled.
Once it was all said and done, nothing was left for school and household costs. Even though the house was paid off, bills still needed to be paid, which meant anything that was left of my college fund would need to be used toward those bills. Brian had a college fund, as well, but I was determined not to touch it. It didn’t matter what I had to do; I wouldn’t take his future away from him.
So with sadness in my heart, I had my things shipped back to me from Juilliard, and I dropped out. I responded to Russell’s many text messages finally, letting him know that I wouldn’t be returning to New York. I thanked him for everything and wished him luck.
My dream of becoming a dancer was long gone. It hurt to think of it, but my future was no more. From that moment on, I’d be working to make ends meet. I’d be working for Brian. It was what I had to do.
EIGHTEEN
Tyson
I STAYED AWAY from the house, leaving Nicole to deal with things in her way. It killed me to think of the things that could be happening with her while I wasn’t there to take care of her, but I made Brian promise to text if an emergency came up.
I went back to work the following Monday, drowning myself in motor oil and engines and making sure the Palmers were far from my mind. I couldn’t focus when I was thinking about how badly my family was being ripped apart.
After working all day and tattooing all night, I’d drive by the house and sit outside. It was stalker-ish, but I needed to see the lights on. I needed to see that life still existed inside the house I was once loved in.
An hour would pass while I contemplated going inside, but then I’d remember the look in her eyes when she saw me with another girl. I’d remember how broken she was and acknowledge that she didn’t need the added hurt of me. I’d remember everything I’d ever done in my life and the darkness that threatened from within, and I’d leave to go home to an empty apartment.
The pictures of the Palmers placed around my house helped me through, but at the same time, they added pain to my heart. I missed Mr. and Mrs. Palmer, and I missed Nicole and Brian. It hurt to know the greatness in my life was gone, and I couldn’t do anything to bring them back.
The following day, I took my car and washed and vacuumed it. The sixty-seven Chevy Impala reminded me of Mr. Palmer. He’d helped me buy it and had even taken the time to help me fix it up.
“This is a classic, son. They don’t make ‘em like this anymore,” he’d said.
And he was right.
I’d taken care of that car like it was my baby, and when I could, I’d put a brand-new black paint job on it. It was beautiful, and sadly, it seemed it was all I had left of Mr. Palmer.
Not that I expected the family to leave me anything. If they had, I would’ve given it all to Nicole anyway, but I had my car, and I had the memories that went along with it—happy memories.
And that was my life.
Working, watching over Nicole and Brian—even though they had no idea I was—and moping around the apartment wishing I could go back and change it all.
And then it happened—a text that scared the living shit out of me.
Brian: Please come! We need your help.
I was at The Blind Tiger cleaning up my station when the text came in. Without even telling anyone I was leaving, I ran from the shop and jumped in my car. I drove like fire was chasing me to get to Nicole and Brian. I didn’t know what was going on, but Brian knew to text if there was an emergency. If he was texting, then something was definitely wrong.
My engine roared when I pulled into the drive, and I didn’t even bother shutting my car door once I got out. Instead, I ran to the front door, slung it open, and ran toward the loud screams I heard in the kitchen.
Time ceased to exist. My heart felt like it was seconds away from exploding out of my chest.
I couldn’t lose them. I’d die without Nicole, and Brian needed someone to take care of him until he was old enough to take care of himself.
No.
I’d never let anything happen to them
Another scream had sounded before I ran into the kitchen, and it was the same scream that sometimes haunted my nightmares … Nicole. I didn’t know what to expect once I was in the kitchen, but what I found was both shocking and brought me great relief all at once.
Bubbles were everywhere. Water squirted from the dishwasher, covering the floor and Nicole as she pressed the buttons over and over again to stop it.
“Make it stop, Nicole!” Brian laughed.
“What do you think I’m trying to do?”
It was chaos, but something beautiful
had developed among the crazy. When Nicole looked over at Brian, still struggling to stop the dishwasher, she was laughing and smiling.
Her smile had always been beautiful—she’d always been gorgeous—but after weeks without seeing the sunshine of her happiness, it meant so much more. The breath was knocked from my lungs, and my heart squeezed with all the love I had for her. It was almost too much.
Moving toward the laundry room, I flipped on the light switch and pulled open the breaker box. Scanning the labels, I found the one marked for the kitchen, and I turned it off. Everything in the kitchen died, including the sounds of spraying water.
“What did you do?” I heard Brian ask.
“I’m not sure. It just turned off,” Nicole responded.
I smiled as I stepped back into the kitchen. It was then they noticed me. Brian’s face lit up, and Nicole’s smile dropped.
“I turned the breaker off.” I shrugged.
I’d known the dishwasher was broken for a while. Mr. Palmer wanted to fix it, but Mrs. Palmer preferred washing her dishes by hand. I’d always thought Nicole knew the dishwasher was broken, as well, since she never questioned why we had to wash them by hand after dinner on Sundays or after a big meal for a holiday. Apparently, she wasn’t aware.
“The dishwasher’s been broken for years,” I said, trying to hold back my smile.
Nicole pushed back the soaked strands of hair around her face and her shoulders stiffened. “I didn’t know that.”
“You never wondered why we never used it?” I asked.
She shrugged and pulled her wet shirt away from her skin. “I mean I guess I never thought about it. I figured Mom just wanted us to spend time together.”
I couldn’t fault her logic since forcing us to spend time together sounded like something Mrs. Palmer would do.
“She never wanted it fixed, but if you want, I could look at it. I should’ve fixed it a long time ago.”
I never did for selfish reasons. If the dishwasher didn’t work, then I’d always have the time with Nicole while we washed dishes—being close to her and watching her work without the risk of being caught staring. But, if she wanted, I’d buy her a new one. Whatever Nicole wanted, I wanted her to have.
Obviously, she’d lost a lot—her parents and her dreams of becoming a dancer. I never asked why she didn’t return to school. Nicole was selfless. She’d never drag her little brother to New York. Plus, if she did, how would she take care of him?
I’d learned a bit from Brian. Nicole didn’t think he paid much attention to his surroundings, but he did, and he filled me in on all the problems and hurdles she was facing.
I knew the house had been heavily mortgaged, and she used the insurance money to pay it off. I knew Brian had a college fund that Nicole refused to touch, and for that, I didn’t blame her at all. I also knew she was using what was left of her college fund to take care of them and pay the bills.
It killed me to know she was struggling so much, and I hated that she wouldn’t let me help her. But I did what I could without her finding out. I paid bills on the side, and when she wasn’t home, I’d take care of the lawn. Whatever I could do to take the pressure off, I did.
“No. That’s okay. I think we can handle things from here on out.” She looked away at the flooded floor and bubbles. “Thanks, Tyson.”
She was being hardheaded and difficult, as usual. There was no way I was going to leave them with this mess and no lights on in the kitchen.
What was she going to do?
If she turned the breaker back on, the water would only start to spray again. She didn’t want to admit it, but she needed me to fix it or at least unhook it so we could turn the power back on to the kitchen.
“You do realize that once you turn the power back on in here, the dishwasher will turn back on, right?”
I wanted to laugh at her expression, but I couldn’t. Her eyes went wide, and her mouth popped open.
“Just let me unhook the dishwasher and then I’ll leave. Okay?”
She sighed in aggravation and nodded. “I’d appreciate that.”
I was surprised she agreed, considering how angry she’d been with me over the last few weeks. It felt like a tiny victory for me.
I cleaned the water from the floor while she and Brian went upstairs to change out of their soaked clothes, and then I got to work on the dishwasher.
NINETEEN
Nicole
AFTER JOB HUNTING and putting in applications to every place known to man, I went home and ate dinner with Brian. He was still quiet, and we weren’t really talking much, but at least, he was coming out of his room now—at least, he had returned to school and was resuming his life.
His friends had stopped by a few times to hang out and play Xbox with him, and I was happy to hear laughter coming from the living room on those occasions. Things would never go back to the way they were, but maybe, we could have our own kind of normal after a while—a new kind of normal.
After dinner, and even though I was exhausted, I cleaned the kitchen. Instead of washing the dishes as we always did, I loaded the dishwasher, added dish detergent since we were out of dishwasher fluid, and I turned the dishwasher on.
The rest is history, and it wasn’t long before I found myself face to face with Tyson again. My heart was still sore from everything that had gone on over the past few weeks, and seeing Tyson and feeling the pain that came with his presence was the last thing I needed.
“Oh my God, you called Tyson?” I asked Brian when we reached the landing to the second floor.
He shrugged. “What? He told me to call him if we needed help.”
“I had it under control, Brian.”
I was angry with him for calling Tyson. I didn’t know he had instructions to call if we needed help, and it pissed me off that Tyson had told him that. Like I couldn’t take care of us. As usual, he was treating me like a child—treating me as if I wasn’t good enough—as if I wasn’t smart enough.
“It looked to me like you needed help, Nik. I’m sorry, but the room was flooding.”
I nodded, exhausted from the day and not willing to argue.
“Hey, I know you’re mad at me and everything, but do you think I could spend the night with Josh tonight?” he asked, shocking me.
He hadn’t really wanted to go anywhere recently. Once, he’d gone to GameStop with his friends to look at games, but sadly, he didn’t have any money to buy anything like usual. He took it well, even though I knew he was upset about it.
“It’s awfully late, Brian.”
I’d never admit it, but I was afraid to let him go.
What if something happened to him while he was out with his friends?
I’d be alone. Brian was all I had in the world now.
“I know, but … please, Nik? I really need to get out of this house.”
I understood.
Even though I’d been job hunting all day, the minute I walked back into the house, I needed to get out. There were too many memories—good and bad—and it hurt to be here. We still didn’t have the guts to even go into Mom and Dad’s room. It was like a shrine—still exactly as they’d left it—and neither of us was strong enough to look. I’d shut the door after their death, and I hadn’t opened it since.
I nodded. “Is his mom coming to get you or do I need to take you?”
He smiled, and I felt satisfaction for making him happy.
“She’s coming to get me.”
I watched him go to his room to change, and I went into mine. Staying home alone wasn’t something I really wanted to do, but I couldn’t keep him trapped in the house with me forever. I wouldn’t take his life away, even if I felt like I’d lost mine.
When I was done with my shower and dressed, Brian was gone. He left without saying goodbye, which I didn’t feel great about. I texted him to let him know, and he apologized right away.
Tyson was still working downstairs. I could hear him bumping around the kitchen, and as much I didn’t
want to see him right then, I knew I couldn’t stay locked in my room. After standing on the stairs for what felt like an hour, I went into the kitchen to find him still working on the dishwasher.
It was late, and the kitchen was still dark, but he had a small flashlight stuck between his teeth that shined a tiny bit of light back on his face.
“I could hold that for you if you want,” I offered.
It was the least I could do.
His eyes shifted from whatever he was working on and landed on me. Pulling the flashlight from his teeth, he wiped it on his jeans and held it out for me.
“Thanks. It’s been hell trying to hold that thing and work.”
I felt terrible for waiting upstairs afraid to come down. While I was hiding, he was busy doing something for me. Coming down and helping was the least I could’ve done.
“Sorry I took so long,” I said.
He grinned up at me, and it was his natural, easy smile that I loved. My heart skipped a beat, making me take a deep breath. “No worries. You’re here now.”
Holding the flashlight meant getting close to him. Before, that wouldn’t have been a problem, but I was having issues with being near him now that I’d seen the unspeakable. Still, I moved to his side and directed the light to where he was working.
He smelled amazing and familiar—motor oil mixed with his cologne. It brought a hoard of memories back to me—tumbling through my brain and making me close my eyes and reminisce about a time when my parents were still with us, and I had nothing to worry about but making it to class and chasing after Tyson.
If felt like years since I had that life, and honestly, even though I’d experienced a lot of heartache from chasing Tyson, it wasn’t nearly as bad as the pain I felt without my parents.
By the time he finished working, it was one in the morning. After turning the power back on in the kitchen, he closed the dishwasher and pressed the button. I watched in amazement as it turned on and began to wash the dishes without spraying water everywhere.
Black Sheep Page 13
