by Marilyn S
Wednesday, February 16, 2000
Margaret was about why I hate birthdays. I wish I could talk about listening to Trish and Ryan. But I just can't. How could I tell her that I spent all night Saturday waiting for them? Or that now, not only do I use Kendal every day after work to relax, but every night while I listen to the neighbours have sex. Or about what I fantasize about. Well, she told me to start this journal because there were things I could not tell her so I guess writing all that stuff here will have to do.
Thursday, February 17, 2000
Rrr! I hate her! She is just SO rude. No, she is plain mean. Trish came out when I was on my way in and asked me down for tea, again. I tried to get out of it but ended up going in. She must have been waiting for me, listening to hear to me come in. She was nursing Alyssa again while we talked and she started telling me how men always try to sneak looks when she does it when she's out. I said how embarrassing that must be, but she said she likes it and smiles at them and makes sure they have a long clear look. She started looking down and talking to Alyssa for a while and I guess I was looking at her boob because when I looked up she was looking me in the eye. Our eyes only locked for a second but I knew she had caught me peeking. I mean, it is not supposed to matter because we are both girls, right? But somehow I know she knew... knew what? That you wanted to see her big boobs, Marilyn. That you were looking at them just the way a man does. She had that same laughing, smug look as if she knew exactly what I was thinking. Then she gave this little shrug and went back to looking at Alyssa. She was deliberately letting me look. Then she said that girls like me would never understand how sexy it was to have tits so big that everybody - and she really stressed the "every" - wanted to look at them.
How dare she?! "Girls like me"! Grrr. Flat chested girls like me? She was laughing at me. Laughing that she had caught me looking at her boob. Laughing because she has boobs men want to look at and I don't. I didn't even want to go for stupid tea and she insulted me! I felt like just getting up and leaving but it just would have made me look dumb so I made myself stay and finish my tea. I tried to act like everything was okay but I am so bad at hiding my feelings I am sure she knew I was upset. Alyssa had finished but she didn't put her boob away and kept her eye locked on mine with that stupid smirk while she talked, like she was just daring me to look down.
I was so upset that I couldn't even come with Kendal. And there was no way I am going to give her the satisfaction of listening to them tonight. I am going to watch ER really loud. What a bitch.
Friday, February 18, 2000
Sometimes I wonder if I am not better off single. Doreen was telling me a bit of what she goes through with Joe and you wonder why women are so desperate that they put up with that sort of stuff. Of course I probably would too if I had the chance. She says that when he is not like that she loves him so much that it's worth it, but jeez...
I am not going to listen to Trish and Ryan again tonight. I hate her.
_____
So much for that. I can't stop myself. I tried though. I closed the bedroom door and read on the couch, feeling like a prisoner in my own home. But I could hear her asking him if he "liked her big, swollen tits" or something and I just couldn't stop myself. I had been hating her so much for what she said to me I think I needed to hear him say it was true. So I went in the bedroom. Just to hear what he said. Well he did. Over and over. And if he stopped she would ask him another question, all about her boobs. Did he like them big, were big ones sexier then small ones, do all men like them big, did he feel sorry for girls with little ones, on and on, all about what she had said the yesterday. Then she asked him to fuck them and they just kept talking the whole time about how great they were and how sad it must be for flat girls who can't do that.
She must have known I could hear her. It was just too much like she was trying to prove her point from yesterday. And the thing is, it worked. Listening to Ryan go on and on about how much he loves her big boobs and picturing her smirking at me while he proved it by fucking them, it just turned me on so much that I couldn't stop myself. But just when I started using Kendal she didn't say anything for a few seconds and I wondered if she could hear the buzz and was laughing like she had won. I don't think she could really hear Kendal, and she certainly couldn't know that the things they were saying actually turn me on. She was probably just trying to be mean. But I pretended she could hear, that she knew exactly what I was doing and thought I was totally pathetic. I came so quickly.
What if they can hear? Oh G_d, just the idea of it makes me feel sick. And excited. What if they know every time I use Kendal? They would know that I always do it when they are having sex. And they would know when I come because the buzzing would stop. Oh, now I want to go use him again, but what if they CAN hear? Well, it is 1:45. They have to be asleep by now. And besides, they probably can't hear.
Saturday, February 19, 2000
Woken up by my bj alarm clock again. Grrr. I think I am going to have to try to get to sleep earlier on weekends if this is how it going to be. It’s not fair. They are my only two days when I get to sleep in and I have to start my day listening to them doing what I only dream about.
Trish came up and asked if I wanted to come down for tea but I told her I was going out. She said she hoped I wasn't offended by anything the other day and of course I pretended I didn't know what she was talking about. Then she asked if I wanted to come for dinner tonight so I said I was busy. So now I have to go out all day. Guess I'll go visit Mom and Dad.
Sunday, February 20, 2000
I was using Kendal this morning and there was a knock on the door. The inside door. I put on my robe expecting it to be Trish wanting something but it was Ryan. He said that he was trying to watch TV but kept getting interference and was wondering if I was using an electrical appliance that might be causing it. I said no but then realized it must be Kendal and immediately became totally flustered and asked if it happens a lot. He said yes, but it would just start and go for a while and then it would be fine, which is why he thought it might be an appliance. He asked if I would mind if he checked back when it happens to see if he can find the problem. Why don't they just get cable? So am I supposed to stop using him because they can't watch TV? But how can I use him if Ryan is going to come over every time? Maybe I should just move. But I like this apartment.
Monday, February 21, 2000
Deanna sent me an e-mail today asking how I am cause we haven't talked in a while. I just don't have the energy to listen to her right now. I think this whole thing with Trish is getting to me and it is not like I can tell Deanna about it so it would just be her complaining about her silly problems and me pretending everything was okay.
I felt weird using Kendal now that I know it might be making their tv go weird. I ALWAYS use him as soon as I get home. It's how I relax. I guess I kind of look forward to it when I am having a bad day, like my reward for getting through it. I tried but could not relax knowing that it might make their tv screw up. I don't know if I would have been able to relax enough to finish cause I was starting to get sensitive but then Trish came up and knocked. I tried to ignore it but she kept knocking so I had to get up and answer it. She said their tv was screwed up and would I come down for tea. I told her I was busy and that I had plans but she kept asking and I am so horrible at telling people 'no', so I went down. I was really mad that I couldn't finish with Kendal and I guess I was sort of blaming her even though it wasn't her fault - once I knew her tv was screwing up I would never have been able to relax enough. Anyway, it wasn't too bad. I mean, I would rather have been relaxing with Kendal, but it was still okay. She asked me about work and let me complain about that for a while. She still had that superior smile, but I think that is just her way. I can't decide if I like her or not. She talks too loud, but she is kind of fun. I guess it doesn't help that the whole time we are talking I am picturing what she does at night. She was wearing a scoop-necked T-shirt that showed huge amounts of cleavage and it reminded me o
f what Ryan was doing between them the other night and I kept picturing that while I was talking to her, being sure not to look down when she could catch me. G_d, I am so pathetic, sneaking peaks at her boobs like a guy. And even worse, coming home and fantasizing that she catches me peeking and makes fun of me.
I am becoming a little obsessed with them. It's like it is the only thing I look forward to every day and I think about it at work all the time. I guess that is why I let her talk me into going down for tea. I don't really think she is a very nice person but it seems like every time I see her something happens that gives me more to fantasize about at night.
Tuesday, February 22, 2000
There IS something going on with Trish! I got home about quarter past 7 and she came up at 7:30 and asked if I wasn't coming down for tea. When I said I didn't know she looked disappointed and said she had been waiting for me. What, like now we have a date every night or something? What if I don't feel like going for tea every night?
Then when I was leaving she told me to come for tea again tomorrow as soon as I got home. I told her I had an appointment but she asked what time I would get home and said 8:00 would be fine. Like when am I supposed to eat? I told her I would have to see but she said "please" like she really wanted me to. I tried to stick up for myself and just said "We'll see" again but she just said "please" again even more insistently and I just knew I would not get away without a fight so I said I would.
_____
We just finished our nightly ritual. I think they were having intercourse and I kept pretended she was getting fucked from the back while she held out her boob to me and asked if I wanted some milk. Then, when I admitted I did, she teased me with it and told me I was a sick lezzy pervert and laughed at my humiliation. So I guess maybe seeing her nurse does turn me on more than I admitted.
Am I a lezzy? I don't think so. I mean, I do have those fantasies where I am forced to do things to women, but I think they are exciting because I am NOT a lesbian and find it disgusting, not because I like women.
Wednesday, February 23, 2000
I am really starting to wonder if I should keep seeing Margaret. We just talk about the same old stuff and I don't have the guts to talk about the things that are really bugging me these days. I mean, I got almost no sleep last night wondering if am a lesbian and I don't even have the guts to talk to my therapist about it. I wish I did have someone I could talk to but I really could never tell anyone about all the sick things I think about. And the thing is, half the time I think it is entirely in my mind.
I planned on telling Trish I was too tired but she literally pulled me into their apartment. Ryan was there watching television but we stayed in the kitchen and drank our tea. She asked about my day and about things with Todd and told me about hers and then I left. I wonder why it seems so important to her?
Oh, when I was leaving she said "See you tomorrow" like there was no question. I guess I will.
Thursday, February 24, 2000
Trish and I seem to be getting along better now. I told her few days ago about the reflexology course I took and today she said she had had a bad cramp in her foot and asked if reflex work could help it. I couldn't find a knot but I did the best I could and she said it helped. I am supposed to go back and do it again tomorrow.
It's funny how this journal has become more and more just about the new owners. But work as been, well, just there, and I haven't being seeing people much. Everybody sort of hibernates in the winter. And the thing is I seem to spend an awful lot of my time thinking about...
I don't even know what to call it. I guess my fantasy. I mean, listening to them is real, but when I am doing it what I am thinking is not real at all. Anyway, I seem to spend way too much time thinking about it. At work, driving to work, in the shower. Part of me hates it but I don't really want to stop. Oh, I don't know.
Friday, February 25, 2000
I went over after work and instead of answering the door she just yelled "come in". She was in the living room with Alyssa and she asked if I would mind making the tea. So I found a tray and brought it in and as soon as I had poured she asked if I would mind rubbing her feet again so I never even got a sip of mine. She was sitting in an armchair with her feet on a stool so I had to hand her her tea. There was nowhere for me to sit where I could work on her feet so I sat on the floor. Yesterday we were both sitting at the table with her foot on my knee and that just felt like I was doing something nice for her, but today I felt like a servant, fixing her tea and rubbing her feet. And it wasn't about her cramp because she wanted me to do the other one, too. The thing is, I sort of liked the feeling of being her servant. It is a little of the same feeling I get in my fantasy. I was kneeling at her feet rubbing them and she was sipping her tea and looking down at me with that look like she is laughing at me, superior to me, and I started getting turned on. Just rubbing her feet.
I felt like she knew exactly what I was thinking, what was happening to me, and was laughing at how pathetic I was and that just turned me on more. I couldn't even look at her but she did not say anything and it was so uncomfortably quiet and every time I looked up at her she was smirking at me like I was amusing dirt and a little jolt of electricity would go to my hoo-hoo. I know I was blushing but I couldn't do anything but keep on. I couldn't think of anything to say and no way to leave and I felt totally stupid and embarrassed and I tried not to look at her but I kept looking up and then looking away in shame.
It seemed to go on forever. I mean, nothing was said but she must have been able to tell that I was embarrassed. I can't have just imagined the look on her face. I don't know, maybe I could. I have been imagining a lot of weird things recently and she does usually have that condescending smile, so maybe it was just in my head. When she finally broke the silence it was just to tell me that what I was doing felt wonderful and, pulling her shirt and bra up, asked if I minded if she fed Alyssa? Then she lay her head back and closed her eyes. I felt like I was being rewarded for being a good masseuse by being allowed to look at her boobs. I mean, she could not really know the sort of things I have been fantasizing about recently, but that was just how it felt. It was kind of weird that she bared both boobs. After a while she suddenly asked "Have you had enough, Alyssa?" and I realized that her eyes were open and she had been watching me watch Alyssa feed. But she didn't make a fuss and I did not feel nearly so embarrassed as I did the first time she caught me.
But thing is, when I was looking at her big boobs it wasn't like a turn on or anything, so I think maybe I am not an lesbian. I think what I liked was the idea that she would catch me looking and embarrass me. The thing is I hate it when she does that, but I guess it excites me, too, because that is what I fantasize about. I think maybe it is not that she is a woman but the way she looks at me like she is superior. At least, that is what is important in my fantasies. All I know is that sitting on the floor rubbing her feet was totally embarrassing and I hated being like that but it also totally turned me on and I am getting turned on now writing about it and I hope she does it again.
When I was leaving she asked what time I could come tomorrow. Like she knows I will come and just wanted to know when. I didn't know what to say, so I just said 4:00.
Saturday, February 26, 2000
Met Stinky for lunch and it was nice seeing her but the whole time I couldn't stop thinking about what happened yesterday and wondering what will happen when I go down today. How can I hate something so much and want it at the same time? I don't even know what I want. Do I actually want her to embarrass me again? Yeah, I guess I do. Oh, I don't know.
It's almost 4:00 and I am getting more and more nervous. Maybe I like this. But it all feels like things I don't like. Hey Marilyn, maybe you get turned on by something you don't like. Like duh! Big news flash there. G_d, I am such a freak.
Well I can't think of anything else to say so I guess I better go get ready.
_____
I feel like I am sliding into a deep black hole. I watch mysel
f take these steps down knowing that I won't be able get out but not able to stop.
When I first got there she just said "hi" and then went back to watching tv like I wasn't even there. I didn't know if I was supposed to make tea or sit down or what so I just sort of stood there feeling awkward. Finally I just said "Well I guess I will go make tea now" and she said "Oh thanks, Marilyn" like it was the most normal thing in the world for me to come in to her apartment to make her tea. After that it was the same as yesterday. She turned the tv off when I got back with the tea and pried her shoes off and it was pretty clear that I was supposed to rub her feet. So I did. I really felt like her maid. I liked pretending that. But it makes me sick to my stomach that I just do what she wants. I guess I like pretending it but it is just so embarrassing to actually do it. To imagine what she must be thinking about me.
She didn't nurse Alyssa today. After a long time she just said "Thanks, Marilyn" and asked me to take her empty cup so she could put her shoes back on. That really made me feel like a servant who was being dismissed. Then she added "See you tomorrow?" and for some reason that was just too much. Like she somehow she knows that she can treat me like that and knows that I will come back for more. It was like a wave of blush crashed over me and my heart started pounding even harder and I got that ringing in my ears and I just couldn't face her so I tried to leave with the tea tray and she said "Marilyn." in this firm tone that told me to stop. It seemed like a long time that I just stood there in the kitchen door trying not to drop the tray because I was shaking, trying to make myself either keep going and get out of there or turn around and face her. Finally she said "Marilyn?" again, like she was mother or a teacher talking to a naughty child and I forced myself to say "yes" but I still couldn't turn around and let her see how upset I was or look her in the eye.
