by Marilyn S
oh G_d, what does she think?!
Ryan got home before she did so I haven't seen her.
Thursday, March 16, 2000
Goodbye dinner for Wayne. Greg, the new computer guy sat right next to me! He is SO hot! I didn't think he liked me. Not that we have ever talked except the couple of times I had problems, but we talked all the way through dinner. I kind of felt like I was being rude to everybody else but every time I would join their conversation somehow I would end up talking to him again. He is very interesting. And funny, too. I always feel so boring, though. He told me about his trip to Italy and when he asked me about me I didn't have anything to say. He asked me about a husband, boyfriend, kids and I know he was just trying to be nice and make conversation but I felt like such a loser.
It is sad to see Wayne go. He has been there longer than me and we used to have good talks.
Friday, March 17, 2000
Trish wants me to go down again tomorrow morning and I am supposed to take Kendal. I wish she would leave him out of this. It makes me very uncomfortable to have her see him.
I hope I don't have to clean all day again. It was okay once, but it is not how I am going to spend my Saturdays.
Saturday, March 18, 2000
She wanted me to do all her housework again! I think she thinks I am just going to do all her cleaning from now on! I was really mad and I guess I looked it because while I was vacuuming she pulled the plug out and said I looked like I was going to kill something with it. She thought that was very funny. Yeah, ha ha, make me come over and do all your damned housework and then laugh when I don't look thrilled about it. I told her I don't want to spend every Saturday cleaning HER house and she looked totally shocked and asked if I didn't like vacuuming for her. No, not particularly, I told her and she just said "Then go scrub the kitchen floor instead”. I couldn't believe it! I wanted to scream at her, and I kept trying but nothing would come out and after a minute of standing there with her saying "well?" and "go on, go clean the floor" and me feeling totally stupid but just standing there, she finally grabbed a bit of my hair and led me to the broom closet told me to pick up the bucket and then took me to the sink where I filled it. By the time I was on my knees scrubbing I was crying but I was also sort of glad she had helped me do what she wanted. I felt so humiliated washing her floor like she had ordered, but I kept picturing Kendal who was sitting on top of the television.
She just stood there watching me, smiling like she is better than me because she had won. Then while I was rinsing it she suddenly asked, "does this turn you on?" I just froze. How can I answer that? I mean it does, but not the way I think she thinks and I also hate it, too, and even I don't understand how I can feel both at the same time so how can I explain it to her? She asked again but I didn't know what to say. Then she got angry and said she wanted an answer and if I was going to be difficult she could be too. And she told me to pull my underwear down!
Well there was NO WAY I was going to do that but she came over and put her hand on the back of my head and pushed it until my face was on the wet floor. Then she stood on my hair so I was trapped there and started saying that she thinks this turns me on, that she thinks I am a dirty pervert who enjoys this and that I say I don't like cleaning her house but she thinks it's a lie. And then she told me she would not tell me again to pull my panties down and she was not moving her foot until I did.
I tried fighting and told her to let me go but she told me I knew what to do. I was crying and felt so helpless and embarrassed, especially because I knew that my panties would be wet but they were only getting wetter the longer I stayed like that. It must have been at least a couple of minutes before I realized that I really did not have any choice, so I did it.
She made me pull them right down to my knees and then said that that is how a pervert like me should clean the floor and told me to start cleaning. And I did. I started cleaning her floor with my face pressed to it and when she finally moved her foot I just kept cleaning it, crying with my panties down around my knees. It felt so stupid and I could feel the wetness dripping down my thighs and I was praying that it would not go below my skirt. When I was finished she asked me if I was ready to finish the vacuuming now. I guess I was. I sure wasn't angry any more and I didn't even think, I just got up to go do it, feeling ridiculous pulling my underwear back up in front of her, but she said "leave them there". She made me vacuumed her entire house with my underwear around my ankles!
I was so embarrassed it felt like it was about a thousand degrees in there I just wanted to grab Kendal and run upstairs and either use him or cry. Or both.
And the thing is, the longer I did it the more I liked the feeling, knowing I looked absolutely retarded and that she was laughing at me. And she was. She was playing with Alyssa and laughing and pointing at me. I couldn't hear what she was saying, but I know she was being mean.
I used to think that maybe she gets turned on embarrassing me the same way I get turned on when she does it, but I don't think so anymore. I think she just likes being mean to me. Just like all the girls in high school use to. They make themselves feel important by laughing at me and making me feel pathetic. Only now I am helping her. Which only makes me more pathetic. And turned on.
Sunday, March 19, 2000
She just took Kendal away. She came up stairs and made me wash him and give him to her because I kept her awake last night. I kept HER awake? Like how about all the times she's woken ME up?! It's my own fault, I guess. I sort of did it deliberately. Last night I was feeling so nasty after what she made me do that I used Kendal in the bedroom for the first time since I found out they could hear me. I wanted her to hear me. I wanted her to know what I was doing and that what she had made me do turned me on. I did it when I first got home and a few more times and finally when they were having sex, but kept going when they stopped. It just felt so nasty and dirty to be doing it when I knew they could hear me that I just kept going. I stopped for a while but thinking about it turned me on again and even when I was telling myself I shouldn't I couldn't stop myself. Then she banged on the wall and told me to "stop playing with yourself" and that just made me come SO hard until she told me to "shut the fuck up". Well that just made
She's using him! Oh gross, she is using Kendal! Yuck! Oh that is SO disgusting! Oh I feel sick. How could she do that? How can I use him now? Maybe I will have to get a new one. But I don't WANT a new one. I want Kendal and I don't want her using MY vibrator. Get your own, you bitch!
Oh I'm going to kill her! I just pounded my fist on the wall and told her to stop and she told me to mind my own business. This IS my business. She is using MY vibrator! Oh yeah and of course she does the huge fake pornstar talk she does with Ryan like she is even better with Kendal then I am. Oh I don't know what to do. I want to cry but I'm not. What I want to do is use Kendal! Oh that was SO fake. Nobody makes that much noise when they come alone. I don't think. I know she is just trying to make me jealous. Well I don't know what I feel, but it isn't jealousy.
_____
Just had a total meltdown. She has stopped now. I feel...
sort of violated. Like she has ruined something for me. I guess if I clean him really well I can use him again but I just feel like I will always know in the back of my mind.
Monday, March 20, 2000
I barely got any sleep last night worrying about whether I should ask for Kendal back, and thought about it all day, but when I was with her I couldn't. Well, actually, I was worrying about it but I was also missing Kendal. It's like with him gone I REALLY need to use him. My panties were wet all day because I kept picturing her at home using him and it is just so gross that it turns me on. The more I thought about it the more it turned me on. It makes me feel pathetic that I just let her take away my vibrator. That I really want to use him and I can't but she can. I am not even sure if I couldn't ask for him back because I was embarrassed or because it turns me on that she is making me suffer. Ooh, I can feel my hoo-hoo twinge when I wrote that.
I was going to write that maybe it is some of each but now I wonder. G_d, I wish I was normal.
_____
I was just cooking dinner and I heard her using him again and I had to go listen. It made me all wet to picture what she was doing with MY Kendal and I wanted him so badly that I felt like I wanted to cry. But I thought about what I wrote before about liking that she makes me suffer, and it really does turn me on so much. I just wish I could get this turned on and have him too.
Tuesday, March 21, 2000
I am going to get Kendal back! She wants me to babysit again tomorrow and I told her I had an appointment and she said if I do it, she will give me Kendal back. I feel guilty canceling Margaret again, but I just have to. I went through most of the day with wet panties again and, well, I am afraid this just seems more important. That is so sad, Marilyn. But it is true.
Wednesday, March 22, 2000
When I went down tonight Shona was there. I think Trish has told her about me because she looks at me with that same laughing, superior look as Trish.
Trish said they would like to have some tea before they went out. I wanted to just walk out because I already told Trish I don't like doing that when there are other people around, but I could hardly say it with Shona sitting right there and I couldn't leave because I had agreed to babysit, so I made them tea and felt myself blushing furiously while I served them. And thinking that I would have Kendal back tonight. Then Trish said her feet were sore and would I mind doing some reflexology on them. I told her I didn't feel like it tonight, but she said something about didn't I think I was being paid very well for babysitting tonight and couldn't I just do some reflexology for the same price. Shona asked how much she was paying me and I was suddenly in panic mode. Trish just smirked at me with this confident "Well...?" look and looked at her feet and I knew I didn't have a choice so I knelt down and did it and she told Shona that we had "worked out a deal". So I did it, but I am going to tell her tomorrow that I don't want to ever do that again when there are other people around.
Anyway, they left after a few minutes and then Trish came back and told me my "little friend" was up in their room and Ryan would not be home until after 9. Then she said "Have fun, Marilyn" in this totally knowing, superior way like she thought I was going to run right up and use him which made me want to not do it but the longer I thought about it and that she thought I would and how dirty it would be to do it in their house the more I knew I was going to. Just knowing he was up there and it was like I could not stop myself. So I did. I checked in on Alyssa and then went up to find him. He was sitting right beside the bed. As soon as I saw him I just knew she hadn't cleaned him so before I even touched him I leaned down to smell him. It smelled so gross! How can she be so disgusting? Yuck! I didn't even want to touch him so I picked him up with a tissue and went down to clean him THOROUGHLY. But then what? What if one of them came home? They would see me in the living room and I didn't want to be caught in their bedroom. I think it took me like half an hour to get up the courage to do it but I finally did. I started in the living room but then I wanted to do it in their bedroom so I did it on their bed and that just felt so dirty and sick that I kept picturing them standing watching me like they were making me perform for them.
Anyway, I put Kendal away in my apartment before Ryan got home so I have him now. I am a bit scared to use him because she might take him away again, I think in the living room with the door shut is probably okay.
Thursday, March 23, 2000
She just totally humiliated me in front of Ryan! All because I tried to tell her I hate it when she makes me do things with other people around. So instead of listening to me she made it even worse! I had already planned on telling her that I didn't like making tea with Shona there. I thought about it all day today so when Ryan answered the door I was doublely determined. I told her I had just come to tell her I couldn't stay and she asked me why so I told her I didn't like making tea when there are other people there and she said "YOU don't like? Did I ask you what YOU like?". Then she came over and pulled my hair back and took my face in her other hand. She must somehow know that is how to make me do what she wants. She told me I am a naughty ungrateful girl and she doesn't know why she bothers being nice enough to let me wash her underwear. Ryan was standing right there! G_D, I wanted to die. I could feel myself blushing and I tried to twist away but I couldn't and I just ended up crying which made me feel even more pathetic. But they didn't say anything they just watched me cry and blush and after a while I also started to love feeling so helpless and pathetic. When I had finally finished crying she asked me if I was ready to make them some tea and then she whispered in my ear, or did I want her to tell Ryan what I did on their bed last night. I don't know how she knows because I thought I fixed it up, but I know she does.
Anyway, by then I just wanted her to let me go so I gave in and did it. My stomach was so upset I felt like I might throw up and every time I thought about what Ryan had seen and what he must think of me I could feel myself blushing again. And the thing is, making them tea and serving it, and even rubbing her feet seem like such a little things, especially compared to having her pull my hair in front of Ryan. But it still makes me feel totally retarded to do it. Not that it really matters how I feel because after tonight I know I will be doing it no matter who is there. I hate that I was so determined to stop it and that she made me do it anyway. It also really scares me because I just feel like she could make me do anything and I couldn't say no.
Friday, March 24, 2000
Ryan went out after work so Trish asked me to stay for dinner. It didn't even really surprise me or bother me when I had to make it for her. And I was even a little surprised when I got to eat with her because I was half expecting her to make me serve her like tea. But it was nice and we talked about everyday things. Oh, at one point I said something about Mrs Baker and she said that if I called the last owner by her last name she thought it would be respectful if I called her by her last name. So now I am supposed to call her Mrs Barnabas which seems weird since she is a little younger than me, but I don't actually call her by name very often so it doesn't really matter. I liked it when she said it would be 'more respectful'. I don't know why, but I did.
Saturday, March 25, 2000
Had an early hair appointment but after it I just went down to Trish's even though she never told me to. Oops, I guess I should say Mrs Barnabas'. Anyway, I just know she expects me to clean her house from now on and after Thursday night I just felt like there was not much point in not doing what she wants because I know I will eventually. Besides, last night she said that it was a lot more peaceful when Kendal was at her house so I am afraid if I get her mad she may take him away again.
So I cleaned her whole house and did her laundry and hand washed her underwear - she acts like that is some big thrill for me when it is really just kind of gross. When we were eating lunch she said that I had not called her "Mrs Barnabas" once all day and that she thinks it would be nice if I said "Yes, Mrs Barnabas" whenever she asks me to do something and would I do that? Then there was one of those long silences where I know what I am supposed to do but I can't make myself do it and the longer it goes on the harder it gets and the stupider I feel. She looks at me with this laughing, expectant "well...?" look that says we both know I am going to do it eventually. And like always I finally did it, I said "Yes, Mrs Barnabas" and she gave me this mean, laughing look that said that she had won and I had lost and that she cannot believe how pathetic I am. We didn't talk after that. I lost my appetite so I just sat there feeling pathetic, especially because I could feel myself getting wet. Then she said I could wash the dishes before I got back to work and I knew what she wanted so I just swallowed and said quickly "Yes, Mrs Barnabas" before I could think too much. I had to say it a bunch of times after that and every time it felt like a big deal. It's funny after everything else I do, but it seems like such a big thing to me.
Now I am babysitting while they go out for dinner. Writ
ing about all this makes me want to go get Kendal. I want to go do it on their bed again. I don't know why, but it just seems so dirty. Pathetic. I use that word a lot. I guess I like feeling pathetic. Well, I don't know that I like it, but it turns me on. And I sure do it a lot these days. I wonder how she knew that I did it on their bed last week? I was so careful to straighten the bed after. I have thought about it and I really think she just knew that if she left me alone in their apartment and told me that Kendal was in their bedroom that I would not be able to stop myself from using him on their bed. She makes me feel so predictable. So transparent. It freaks me out because I always thought that nobody could tell all the sick things in my head so I was safe, but if Trish Mrs Barnabas can tell then maybe other people can, too. Oh, that's stupid, people cannot read your mind. Except for Trish. That really scares me. But it kind of turns me on, too. Like she can see right into my soul and knows all the sickest, scariest things about me. It is really embarrassing to think she knows it all, but it is kind of freeing, too. Like there is fresh air in a deep dark place that I never...
oh I don't know. That is all crazy. If she were a nice person it might be fresh air but she isn't. She is mean and instead of being nice when she sees one of my hidden bits she just uses it to hurt me to make herself feel superior. Or maybe she does it because you love it, Marilyn. You do love it. You hate it and hate her, but you totally love it too and you wouldn't have it any other way. Otherwise, how come I used Kendal last night when I knew she was in bed and Ryan was out. I deliberately wanted her to know I was doing it. I think I was, no, I KNOW I was hoping she would do something like call me up and make fun of me or pound on the wall or even take Kendal away again. Why would I want that? But it's true. I loved it when she had him and I was not "allowed" to do it. I don't know why I loved that, but I did. I am going to go do it. I am going to get him and do it on their bed and I am not going to straighten it so she knows what I did.
