by Marilyn S
I am very worried about being with him when she is not here. I just don’t want to do anything that she won’t like. But I don’t really have any control over it so I can only do what I am told and then write down absolutely everything that happens.
After I was blindfolded he came out of the shower, locked my hands behind me, and held me firmly by my arms to help me into the shower and down to my knees. I could feel his strength and knew he would not let me fall and that made me feel better about being there with him, like I could really trust him.
Then he put his soft cock in my mouth and as I licked it I felt it slowly getting bigger and harder. That was really hot. I actually wish it would stay softer a bit longer. I don’t know why I find soft cock so sexy, but it is.
When he makes me gag I sometimes sort of throw up a little and then I have to stop for half a minute so the feeling goes away because if I keep going I will throw up more and make a mess on the carpet or the bed. But this time when I tried to stop he would not let me. Maybe for a couple of moments but then he would put his hand on the back of my head and push me onto his cock again so I couldn’t help throwing up sometimes. I felt disgusting, and horrible that I was throwing up on his cock. I am sorry. I really tried not to but I could not help it. But he kept telling me I was a good girl and that it was okay and it was all very confused. It was horrible gagging so much and I felt disgusting, but he kept telling me I was good which made me want to try even harder for him.
I did like that even though it was hard for me he still just took what he wanted. Part of me still can’t believe I am letting myself be treated this way, but it really is like something straight out of one of my old fantasies that I never thought could ever really come true and while it is all pretty freaky I don’t feel at all like I would want it to stop.
Anyway, after the shower he dried me off which felt very personal and then led me upstairs still with the blindfold on. Then I had to suck him some more in bed and lick his balls for a long time. He never came but after a while he got out of bed and put on some pajamas and then took off the blindfold and cuffs. He said he was going to sleep but if I wanted I could go to the basement so I have been writing this and rubbing myself for an hour and it really aches.
I want him to read this. I want him to know everything I felt about yesterday. I think I’ll bring him coffee and toast in bed and put my diary on the tray.
Saturday, June 24, 2000,
That worked great. I got up early and had his breakfast ready before he woke up. I thought about putting my blindfold and cuffs on in case you wanted me but I thought you might be tired of it after all that last night but he barely even started reading and he told me to get them. I was happy you are not bored of it yet.
I liked hearing him turn the pages and eat his toast and sip his coffee while I sucked his cock in my own little dark world.
He didn’t come again this morning. He did last night after he got home but not in the shower or in bed or this morning. I am probably doing it wrong but I just don’t have much practice and no one has ever told me how to do it right so I am sorry. If you want to tell me how to do it better I promise I will do my best.
I didn’t get much sleep last night. I went to bed late but I was SOO horny from everything that happened that I couldn’t stop rubbing myself so it was really late before I finally fell asleep and then I kept waking up because I didn’t want to oversleep so I think I will go back to bed for a little while before I get to painting.
He told me he will be home about 7:00 which helps because I can plan dinner for 8:30 and be ready for him. I am going to be ready half an hour early because I liked waiting for him.
___
He didn’t do it very long when he got home and he didn’t come again so now I am really worried. Please, tell me what I am doing wrong.
___
I put my diary beside his place at the table and he laughed when he read it. He says I am not doing anything wrong. He says he came with Mrs Barnabas Friday morning after I went to work and then in my mouth when he got home and that he is only good for one or two a day, and that the reason he did not do it too long before dinner was that he was saving it for after dinner.
After I had eaten he told me to bring some towels and get ready in the living room. He made me get undressed and put a towel on the carpet before I knelt in front of the arm chair. Then I was blindfolded and cuffed and waited for him. He went upstairs for a while and then I heard him messing around with the TV, and when he came to sit down I realized he had put on a porno.
That was how we spent the evening. He watched all of one movie and part of another one. He kept stopping it to tell me what he wanted me to do. Mostly it was to “go slower”. I think he was really close to coming a lot of the time and didn’t want to stop yet. I spent a lot of the time either licking his balls or licking his cock. I liked the way it would pulse up, sometimes hitting my nose or cheek when I licked it. It's funny, but even though my hands were locked behind my back and I was just doing whatever he told me to, I felt a sort of power that I could give him a sexy lick and make him groan, then wait a few seconds imagining what I might feel if someone was teasing me like that, and then giving him another lo-o-ong lick from balls to tip. It was fun!
It was good having the towel there. I could not be as sloppy as in the shower but at least I didn’t have to worry about not dripping at all.
It was also sexy imagining the totally hot, big-boobed sluts he was watching, knowing that he would find them way sexier than me to look at. I am not even sure why I found that hot, but I did.
That’s not true. I do know why, I just am having trouble writing it down knowing you will read it.
It turns me on to know that they are sexier than me. I would have loved to hear you tell me how sexy they were. And how boring I am. Yeah, that’s what I wish. And Mr Barnabas, I know you are not the sort of person to say mean things like that, but I want you to know that if you did I would not mind.
G_d, it's so hard being honest about something like.
Anyway, after my jaw was totally aching he finally came, only he pulled out at the last second and it squirted all over my face. I think he meant to do that, but I am not sure. It was really gross and got stuck in my hair.
G_d, I am SOOO freakin’ horny! I really hate having this orgasm calendar. I am crawling the walls I am so horny and it is there to remind me that I have not had an orgasm since last Saturday and that it will be another six days before I can even hope to come.
It's so TOTALLY not fair that I am not allowed to come at all for the whole week that I have to suck his cock. I wonder if she knows how cruel that is. I hope so. I hope she knows exactly how cruel it is and deliberately made it cruel for me. I know I should sacrifice an orgasm for her tonight and make it even worse but just can’t. It is already late if I make myself any worse I might never get to sleep.
Sunday, June 25, 2000
The painting is all done. Hopefully Mr Barnabas gets home and moves the bed back in from the living room before she gets home. I sure don’t want her down here because she can’t watch TV up there.
I sacrificed 3 orgasms for Mrs Barnabas this afternoon. I felt guilty that I had not been making it worse for myself just because I was already so horny. I want her to know that I will make it as bad as I can for her even when she is not here. I also feel like it shows I am thinking of her.
I miss you.
I have been thinking about why she would let me and Mr Barnabas do this. I don’t understand why she would not feel jealous, but that is really my only problem with the whole thing. As long as it is what she wants, I am happy to do it. For her. Maybe that’s why she does not feel jealous: because I am doing it for her. The same way I do her laundry or cook dinner for her.
It is actually very nice of her that even though she is going to be away, she is still going to look after her husband’s needs. Like leaving a casserole in the fridge for him. Maybe that is all I am. A casserole. So why should she get j
ealous of a casserole?
I bet that is why she says I have to be blindfolded and handcuffed. It makes me feel like just a thing so maybe it makes her and him feel like I am just a thing, too. Maybe if I could see and use my hands I would be more like a person and she thinks she might feel jealousy, but without eyes and hands I am just a mouth. A hole for him to stick his cock in.
That’s okay. I sort of like feeling like just a hole. I don’t know why. It seems like I should hate it but it is just one of those things that feels really “right”. Really dirty, but really right. I certainly like that I don’t have to think. “holes” don’t think. They don’t have to worry about whether it is okay or what people think.
I have just been thinking some more about it. I said that I was doing this for her. And I am. If she had not told me to I certainly would not be doing any of this. And I think she knows that and so maybe does not feel threatened. Or maybe she figures I am so much of a loser that there is nothing to feel threatened about.
But either way, if I am honest, I am not just doing this because she told me to. I am also doing because he seems to really enjoy it and so do I. I guess it is just great that we all want the same thing.
I do feel like a present that she has given him. But he really seems to enjoy me as a present and that makes me feel really good. Is it okay for a girl to feel, oh I don’t know, “validated”? because she has been given to a man to use like this? It seems like that is pathetic but oh well, that is how it is. I feel very special being left with such...
haha such an important job to do. Thank you, Mrs Barnabas, for entrusting me with the important job of sucking your husband’s cock while you are away. I actually feel honoured.
Monday, June 26, 2000
Oh G_d, he did it. After dinner last night he put on another porno but this time he told me what he was seeing. He never actually told me that I was ugly but he tried to describe the girls by comparing them to me which was totally hot. Like, “She has brown hair like yours, but hers isn’t boring, it's in long sexy curls. And she has real tits: huge and round, the kinds of tits guys dream about.”
I was in tears by the time he was done but I didn't want him to stop. Maybe there are good tears and bad tears and these were good. I so wanted to hump my wrist and it was crazy-making that I couldn’t. But mostly it just felt so wonderfully horrible to have someone say those things to me. It was exactly the sorts of things I tell myself when I look at girls in my magazines, but it was like... like a beautiful dream to have a man say them. It hurt so much to hear how much more beautiful they are than me, but it is a hurt that also feels so good. Thank you, Mr Barnabas. Thank you for making me feel inadequate. I am sure you don’t understand it, because I don’t really understand it myself, but I really loved being insulted like that and nothing you said was too mean and you could have been a lot worse and I still would have loved it.
I was remembering that when I sacrificed my orgasm.
Oh, I went out and got a new blindfold yesterday because the old one was all stiff from being in the shower and getting sperm on it.
I was not waiting for him when he got home because his ride fell through so I had to go pick him up.
Tuesday, June 27, 2000
Mrs Barnabas called me at work this morning. It made me so happy to hear her. They do not have a phone at the cottage or cell service so she can only call from town. She is having a great week and I told her how good everything has been going here.
After dinner he had some action movie he rented but said I didn’t have to stay if I didn’t want. I watched a few minutes but it wasn’t my kind of thing so I came downstairs and wrote about yesterday and then sacrificed two orgasms. Not much to write about for today.
I really like the way he walks in the house and just sticks his cock in my mouth without even saying “Hello”. That’s what I was thinking about when I sacrificed. About what a slut I am now. How it feels to be treated like that. It is so wrong and I look forward to it all day. What is wrong with me?
I am rubbing now while I write and thinking about yesterday when he compared all the porno girls to me. I wish I could have seen the girls so I could see how hot they were compared to me, but maybe it was better like that.
I’d love to be in a porno movie where all the beautiful girls have sex and I am forced to watch and they laugh at me. Maybe like a beauty contest where a man gets to pick the most beautiful one and then gets to fuck her and then another man picks the next most beautiful and so on until I am the loser that no one wants. And then because I am the loser they force me to lick all the girls’ pussies clean after.
I wish I hadn’t written that. I think I shouldn’t rub myself when I am writing this.
Or maybe I should. That IS what I was thinking about. Maybe it makes me more honest.
Wednesday, June 28, 2000
A few minutes after he got home there was a knock at the door. At first he ignored it but it kept going so he took it out of my mouth and told me not to move so I stayed there with my mouth still open thinking he would like that.
Then he comes back in but I can hear someone else saying “what the f…!”
Of course I panicked. I couldn’t see who it was and with my hands fastened I felt totally exposed and defenseless. I wanted to run away but I couldn’t see. I wanted pull my uniform top closed but couldn’t. All I could do was crawl into a ball on the floor and hide.
“It's okay”, he laughed, “it's just Kevin.” That was a little better than a complete stranger, but not much.
He explained the situation to Kevin who couldn’t believe it. I was still totally freaked out so he took off my blindfold and cuffs and told me to go make dinner.
By the time I was serving them dinner I had calmed down. It was actually kind of hot serving two men. It felt very different then when I served them with Mrs Barnabas here. It felt very sexy.
The first time Kevin tried to speak to me I really felt on the spot. It feels rude to not answer when someone asks you a question, but last time he was here Mrs Barnabas told me not to speak to him. I thought it would be okay if I just politely told him I was not allowed to speak to him. I hope speaking with him just enough to say I can’t speak with him is okay. I am sorry if it is not.
After that he would sometimes ask me something but I would not answer unless Mr Barnabas told me to. Except once when I answered by mistake.
After my dinner Mr Barnabas told me that Kevin really liked what he saw earlier and he handed me my blindfold and cuffs. It was a little more scary being like that with two of them. It is a little scary with handcuffs on because I really feel defenseless. But I do trust them so it was okay.
He told me to get into the “welcome home” position. That felt really embarrassing. It changed a lot having two of them. Mr Barnabas told him that That was what he had come home to every night.
They put on a porno movie and then a soft cock was put in my mouth. I could tell it was Kevin because he smells different.
After a while they switched and then just switched back and forth. I didn’t want to be naked in front of Kevin, but I was drooling into my uniform so I had to ask to take it off. Then they put the towels on the floor and on the couch and passed me back and forth.
Mr Barnabas told Kevin that I liked hearing how much sexier the actresses are than me so they were both talking about what was going on and talking about me as if I wasn’t there. The hottest was when they would say how much they wished it was the girl on the screen sucking them instead of me.
After a while my jaw really started aching but they didn’t seem like they were close to being finished and I wondered how much more I could take. But I was determined not to stop unless I really had to. I just could not believe how much it started hurting. Like my whole face was a giant cramp. By then they seemed to have forgotten I existed. With the blindfold they could not see I was crying from the pain. They were talking between themselves, passing me back and forth, but just like they might have passed a bottle. You
don’t worry if the bottle is having a good time or is miserable or getting a cramp. Which on the one hand felt very sexy and used, but on the other made me sad, too.
Finally one of them noticed how I was trying to stretch my mouth while I was going from one to the other and asked me if I was cramping. They gave me a few minutes and then said they would finish off as quickly as they could.
Kevin left pretty soon after that.
G_d, I feel like such a slut.
Thursday, June 29, 2000
Mr Barnabas used my mouth when he got home from work, came after a few minutes, and that was it for the rest of the night. I feel like something is wrong.
I packed for both of us before he got home. I hope that was the right thing to do.
I am not sure how I feel about last night. At the time it was really hot to have two guys treat me like that. I know I really enjoyed it. But all day today I felt really icky. A total slut and not in a good way. I took a shower when I got home but I still felt dirty, like I could not scrub hard enough to get clean. I am kind of disgusted with myself and what I have become. I think I need to really think if this stuff is for me. Maybe it is better as a fantasy than a reality.
