Caught In A Jam

by Lila Felix

  There in the dark, clad in the only thing I had left of him I whispered, “I miss you Nixon.”

  Chapter 3

  Storey

  He still gasped when I touched his stomach.

  “Stop it,” I shot him my most dangerous glare.

  “Ok, ok,” he relented, hands in the air.

  I nodded to myself and started the paragraph I was on—again. I didn’t even know why I tried to study around him. Another peanut zoomed for me and went right down my cleavage. He was doing it on purpose.

  “Mad, I swear my bra is filled with peanuts now. I’m trying to study. No, no, no, don’t give me that look.” We’d been married for almost a year now and he was insatiable—not that I was complaining.

  “What,” he got up and slithered towards me, my eyes widening in response, “I was just going to offer to help you—you know—with the peanut bra problem.”

  I got off of the stool and backed up slowly, not wanting to set off his predator instinct any further. “Nope,” I dug in and retrieved the stray peanuts he’d been throwing at me. “I got them, see?” I showed them to him.

  He cocked his head a little bit. Oh shit, I just made it worse.

  My phone rang and I ran to get it. I stood at the counter listening to Sylvia while she told me something about Cyrus saying something cute. I hurried up and got off of the phone since I could feel Mad’s hands on the back of my thighs getting higher and higher.

  “I’m sure you can study some other time,” he whispered in my ear and I had to hold on to the counter top to keep my knees from buckling.

  A chime of the xylophone sounded and he groaned, “That phone has a personal vendetta against me.”

  “It’s my alarm. It’s time to go get Scout.”

  “Ok, but only ‘cause she’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen other than you.” I turned around and kissed him so that later on, I could turn my phone off and we could finish what we’d started.

  “Mean,” he said and nipped at my bottom lip.

  I ran out, got Scout and brought her back home. She filled my ears with the account of the day. I stopped and got her favorite chicken nuggets and a small lemonade but she wouldn’t eat them until she got to our house. She told me every single detail. Kindergarteners could gossip. She even talked to the lady in the drive-thru.

  Scout was a honey fiend—it’s my fault. I hate maple syrup, like hate it. I prefer real honey on my pancakes, French toast, things like that. Scout started staying with me after school when she entered preschool and my honey love became her honey obsession. And it led to her calling me Honey instead of Aunt Storey, which was fine by me.

  It was like Nixon’s fascination with ketchup, but ten times worse. After all, you couldn’t buy ketchup flavored lip balm or shampoo. But the ginger tike found everything in the store honey smelling. And then there was the food part of her honey fixation. It went way beyond breakfast. She dipped her chicken nuggets in it, she drizzled it over her pizza and those gross pizza rolls that Maddox ate, dipped in honey.

  “Honey, can I have a plate for my nuggets,” she asked me as she climbed up in her special stool at the bar, the only one with a back, and a belt attached.

  “Of course you can.” I retrieved a plate from the cabinet and put it in front of her. She dumped her nuggets out and arranged them in a circle on the perimeter and waited for me to get the clear bear filled with honey. I got down one of her little dip cups and filled it with honey and set it in the middle of the plate. The act earned me a big smile.

  “We have to call Aunt Reed about the garden,” I told her as I reached for my phone.

  “Uncle Falcon will take me shopping for flowers.” She said it so confidently. She had us all wrapped around her finger.

  I dialed Reed and told her the deal. Scout wanted to get a box with flowers that she could put in her window. Reed said she would be over in a minute, so I waited with Scout to finish her nuggets. We called Reed since she was the botany major.

  “Where’s mine,” Mad asked startling Scout, making her break out into a fit of giggles.

  “I ate ‘em all Uncle Mad,” she put her hands up in the air.

  “How was school?” he asked her, tousling her hair and kissing the top of her head.

  “There’s a new lady at the school. She has hair like me.”

  He leaned on the counter, giving her his full attention, “Is that so? What’s her name?”

  She shrugged her shoulders and finished off her lemonade.

  “Daddy’s taking me to the zoo tomorrow and then…” She waggled her little apricot eyebrows up and down, smiling.

  “Then you get to see Honey whip everyone’s a…butt on the rink, right?”

  She nodded up and down, her lips pooched out. “And Daddy’s gonna get you if you are ugly.”

  I added, “That’s right. And then you’re coming to spend the night over here. We’re gonna paint your nails and stuff.”

  “I will bring my ice cream jammies,” she told me in confirmation.

  Reed and Falcon walked in the back door a few minutes later. We didn’t even bother locking it anymore.

  Reed bee-lined for Scout and they did their Eskimo kiss thing, followed by Falcon who picked her up and started tickling her.

  “Falcon, she just ate, might wanna simmer down on the shaking,” I laughed. When she was a baby, we all took turns keeping her while Nixon worked. We’d all been puked on, but baby puke and kid puke were two very distinct animals.

  “Oh, wow, thanks for the heads up Storey. Scout, what kind of flowers do you want,” Falcon asked. We all spoiled her rotten but Falcon worst of all. Reed hadn’t been able to get pregnant yet. They visited doctors who all said they were both healthy but it just hadn’t happened yet. So in the meantime, they doted on Scout and Cyrus equally.

  “I want purple,” she stuck her tiny pink tongue out while she thought about it, “and red. None of that wussy pink stuff. And I want some roller skates.”

  She snuck that one in on us. And I knew Nixon’s daddy instinct was real and warrior-like. There’s no way he would go for that.

  Mad spoke up first, “I’m not sure your dad would be cool with roller skates. We have to ask him.” She crossed her arms and gave Mad the angriest look she owned.

  “We don’t have to tell him.” She whispered to us all. Reed turned around, holding onto Falcon’s shirt, laughing her ass off.

  “Scout,” I usually had to talk her down from these things. “While you are gone getting your flowers, I will talk to Nixon about roller skates. But if he lets you, we have to get a helmet and pads and everything just like Aunt Reed and Aunt Nellie wear.”

  She nodded, “Can I get a heart on my shorts like you?” Reed slammed her hand over her mouth but I heard her giggling. I could barely stop myself from laughing. Falcon and Mad were both shaking their heads.

  “Let’s work on roller skates first and then hearts, ok?”

  She nodded and Falcon rolled his eyes. “Give Honey some sugar and let’s go,” Reed said. Sugar in the south didn’t mean the granulated white stuff, it meant kisses. Scout reached out for me and squeezed my neck and kissed me all over the face and then Mad from my arms. I put her down and she went through the backdoor with them.

  “Mmmm,” Mad wasted no time, that pouncing look in his eyes, “You’re so damned sexy when you play mommy.”

  “How sexy?” I played dumb but I could see the slight change of color in his brown eye that told me exactly how much I affected him.

  He grabbed my hips and pulsed his fingers against them, “I can show you.”

  Chapter 4

  Nixon

  She was scared of the dark.

  After dropping Scout off at school, I finagled the list out of my pocket and glanced at it, still parked in front of the school. Scout wrote it; she made all the lists in the house.

  I dropped off some bills and shopped for groceries, following Scout’s list and mine. I passed the baby aisle and glanced down it quickly, gr
ateful that phase had passed. I wish I’d gotten to enjoy it more but it was thrust upon me.

  It was ten or so in the morning when someone knocked on the door. I was still hung-over from the Grey Goose the night before. I rolled out of bed and slipped, banana peel style, onto the floor. I laughed at myself, got up and bounced down the stairs. I opened the door yelling, “I’m coming, Jesus!”

  “Nice welcome, jerk,” the feisty red head barked.

  “Can I help you,” I asked.

  “Great. What a piece of shit,” she said into the air. “I’m Brandy Lambert, we…um…slept together a few months ago—three months ago to be exact.”

  I didn’t have to ask what that meant. I knew my tirades would get me into trouble one of these days. Plus, she fit the type I usually went for, red hair, freckles for days and gray eyes, the color of mist. That’s what I looked for, trying to bang the next copycat version of her. It was pathetic.

  “Look, I’m just letting you know. My friends said I should. But I’m not gonna keep it. I’m gonna give it up for adoption. I already started the paperwork and everything.”

  “What if I want to keep it?” I asked and then backed up; like I could separate myself from the words I’d just spoken.

  “You want a baby?” She scowled at me.

  “Well, I don’t want my kid out there being raised by God knows who.”

  She rolled her eyes, “Whatever. Here’s the number to my lawyer,” she pulled out an embossed business card, “Get in touch with her.” She left shortly after.

  That was the day my life changed. Something inside me told me this baby was my second chance at life. It was a chance to redeem myself. I didn’t come close to my father’s dream of a son. I wasn’t there the day my mother decided to hang herself by her bed sheet in the mental hospital but I could be here for this. I never was the man that Journey needed, but I could be the father this baby needed.

  I went directly inside and called my father, who just happened to be an attorney, and explained what happened. I thought he would chew my ass so hard I wouldn’t be able to walk. But all he said was,

  “Your mother always wanted grandchildren.”

  I checked out and went home to put the groceries up. The cashier tried to flirt with me and before Scout, I would’ve been on her like white on rice. When I got home, I started in on the housework. I picked up the laundry from Scout’s room and the bathroom. I never thought at twenty two I would be picking tiny little pockets for purple Legos and flowers she’d stuffed in them. And I certainly didn’t think that any tiny yellow panties mixed with mine would have ‘Tuesday’ printed on the front.

  I scrubbed the house top to bottom and finished up the laundry. I put it all away, showered and pulled on a white t-shirt and jeans. I remembered that I forgot to call Nellie.

  She answered on the third ring, “Oh my God Nixon, talk me down.”

  “What’s wrong Nellie,” I asked her.

  “Three words—dinner with parents.” After Cyrus was born, they took a sudden interest in her life again. And she swore they were intent on turning Cyrus into their next protégé. That also answered my question about Scout’s prospective playmate.

  “They’re just so damned passive aggressive.”

  “So leave.”

  “What did you say,” she asked in a higher pitched voice.

  “I said, leave. If those people are pissing you off and insulting you in front of your family then get up and leave. Seriously Nellie, life is way too short to put up with all that bullshit.”

  “You must be on your way to get Scout. You’d never use that word in front of her.”

  “Yep. So really, get up and go home. When they call you to ask you why, tell them. I guarantee you they won’t do it again.”

  “Ok, yeah, I will,” she stumbled. “Wait, why were you calling?”

  “Oh, Scout wanted to play with Cyrus tonight.”

  “Well, if we leave early, we’ll stop by. I need to see that little sap sucker anyway. I haven’t seen her since Tuesday.”

  “Have fun.” I sang back to her.

  “Bite me.” She answered and hung up.

  I arrived at Mad’s house a few minutes later and Falcon was there too, I spotted his truck in the driveway. And as soon as I entered the back door I felt sabotaged—duped by the people I trusted the most. I saw three window boxes filled with dirt and flowers, which I didn’t really mind. Scout had been yapping for a week about some window box with flowers she saw in a magazine. But I also saw my three year old being held up by Reed and on her delicate feet were a pair of quads. She also sported a helmet, all the pads and a grin.

  I blamed Reed.

  I saw Falcon, Storey and Mad conveniently huddled in the corner of the kitchen, Storey cowering behind her husband. I put my hands over my face while I muttered the next words; I couldn’t look at the dangerous scene before me anymore.

  “I know that someone in this house didn’t buy my daughter roller skates without my permission. I also know that said someone didn’t put them on her feet expecting me to jump up and down in happiness. Because see this face,” I pointed to my own face, “that’s not happiness. It’s seriously piss…”

  “Daddy, don’t say ugly words,” the freckled pint-sized derby angel said and I was instantly calmed. She had that effect on me. She blanketed my fire with tiny hands and a soft voice.

  “I’m sorry, Button. I’m just scared you’re gonna hurt yourself.’’

  “Reed did it!” Storey suddenly screamed from behind Maddox.

  “Delayed reaction much?” Falcon laughed at her.

  I looked at her all decked out like a miniature badass jammer and blew my resolve. “Ok, no skating without an adult and all of your protective gear. And absolutely no falling or tricks.” She nodded furiously.

  “How long have you had those on?” The question was directed at her but I looked at Reed.

  “I skated outside for a while.” Reed cringed at her confession. If she had gotten hurt, I wouldn’t be able to deal with it. Most people called me overprotective. I just called it protecting precious cargo.

  “Well, why don’t we take them off and go home. I ordered pizza since Cyrus can’t play tonight. So you have a date with Daddy.”

  “Yay!,” she got excited at the announcement and tipped slightly off balance, making her skates roll a bit.

  I bolted over to her, the scenarios of her hitting her head or breaking her arm flashing through my mind. I scooped her up and sat her on the kitchen counter.

  “Let’s get these off of you before you’re in a cast.”

  She put a hand on my face, “Daddy, don’t be so serious. Chill out man.”

  Storey snorted, now free from her hiding place.

  “Chill out, huh?” I responded.

  “Yes, you must chill,” she repeated, this time throwing up some surfer hand motions.

  It took us almost an hour to say goodbye to everyone but I was grateful they all loved her. We got home after picking up a kid movie at one of those red kiosks and shortly after we walked into the apartment, the pizza arrived. I ordered cheese only for her. She sat next to me on the couch, snuggled under a blanket making comments the whole way through. She wanted a dress like that. She wanted hair like hers. That girl is silly for singing like that. It was hilarious. The movie finished and she was like a little Roger Ebert, critiquing the story. I nodded and agreed with her summary and then we made brownies together. She stood next to me on a stool reading the directions from the back of the box.

  While we waited she ran her mouth about school and some lady who had red hair just like hers. I was only halfway paying attention, the kid could talk.

  “I’m glad I’m not a boy. Boys have weird things.”

  Oh, for the love of all that’s holy, please do not let her be talking about what I think she’s talking about. I was petrified to speak my next words.

  “What weird things,” I shut my eyes and waited for her answer.

  “Beards.
Boys have beards like you,” She pulled a hair on my jawline. “But there’s one lady at school and when she talks to me I can see her beard.”

  I put my hand over my mouth to keep my smile at bay.

  “A beard like mine?” If this was the case, I was gonna have to pay more attention to her teachers at school. That could scar a kid. I only let my scruff go a certain length.

  “No, under her chin, she’s got black hairs like cat whiskers. But I told her and the next day she didn’t have them anymore. Ta da!”

  I didn’t know a whole lot about Brandy, but Scout’s sense of humor was a carbon copy of mine. It was like a constant comedy show with my twin. But I had to be Daddy here and teach her a lesson.

  “Button, what if you hurt her feelings? What if you embarrassed her?”

  She rolled her eyes, “Daddy, I whispered in her ear at recess. Nobody heard me.”

  “I’m just making sure. Now, while we wait for the brownies why don’t you get your pajamas on.”

  She climbed down from the stool and slid, still in her stark white socks, all the way to her room. I picked up her backpack from the countertop and looked at her weekly folder. Everything she’d done during the week was in that folder and it always made me smile. There were behavior reports, she was always well behaved, sometimes she talked a lot, but she also got that from me. She usually drew pictures of flowers or of late rabbits. She also had a sheet with questions and she wrote the answers. One asked for the names of the people in her family. She wrote every single one of us, including the hedgehogs and even Uncle Rex.

  A knock at the door brought me out of my adoration for Scout. I answered it to find Owen, Nellie and Cyrus on the other side.

  “Hey, come in, you’re just in time for brownies.”

  “Oh good, I’m starving,” Owen answered.

  “There’s pizza leftover in the fridge, have at it.”

  Nellie rolled her eyes as Owen emptied the box onto a plate and threw it into the microwave.

  “Where’s Scout?” Cyrus asked.

  “She’s in her room, go ahead.”

  As soon as he was out of the room the timer on the brownies went off and I pulled them from the oven. I set them on the stovetop to cool and I turned around to see Owen and Nellie having an intense but silent battle. There were hand signals and furrowed brows all over the place.