I turn on the garbage disposal to drown out Blake’s returned laugh, but there’s only so long I can keep that going. When I shut it off, I hear deck chairs scraping back from the table.
Outside, Blake and Amber stand up, and when Amber turns inside but Blake stays, a wash of relief loosens my shoulders. Amber opens the sliding glass doors and steps through, fresh air and the smell of the ocean trailing in with her.
“Bathroom break,” she says as she passes me. She wears a smile on her face that I want to wipe off.
I should stay inside and wait and play hostess, but like I told Blake, shoulds are no good. His eyes follow me as I step out onto the deck, something so hungry inside them that a shiver of desire races through my body. He looks like he’s trying to hold back a flood. Like all his restraint is straining the more and more the emotions pile up behind his wall.
I want to be there when the dam breaks. When he finally gives in.
I step beside him and lean my forearms on the railing. The wind’s picking up, and it whips my hair out behind me, carrying the sound of my friends’ laughter from down at the beach and the damp, sharp smell of coming rain.
“I bet she’d give you her number if you asked. She’d be fun for a little bit.” I shrug. “Maybe not long-term, but who’s to say what you like.”
Who am I and what am I doing? It’s like I can’t stop pushing him, finding out where his line is and making him walk right up to it.
Blake tries to keep his voice light, but there’s strain around the edge of his mouth. “Are you trying to set me up with your friend?”
“The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.” I’m so snide and bratty, and his eyes narrow and his chest heaves as he gulps in air. Sparks fly from Blake’s eyes, and I have to force myself not to step back and give away how much he affects me.
“Yeah, well, she’s not my type.”
His jaw pulls so tight I want to run my hands over it and soothe him. I want to kiss a line from the soft stubble on his cheeks all the way down to his frowning, perfect mouth. Instead, I push back.
“What’s your type, Blake? Young? Blonde?”
“McKenna, stop.”
“It’s fine. You can do whatever you want.”
His eyes are anguished as he growls out, “What I want’s not going to happen.”
Then he turns and walks away, the muscles in his broad back strained as he slams down the deck stairs and onto the street below.
I stare after him, my body numb, but Blake doesn’t turn around and he doesn’t come back.
Oh, shit, shit shit.
He’s leaving.
What the hell did I just do?
18
Blake
July
The sky cracks open while I wander aimlessly down the street, and I’m so distracted by the rain pouring down that I forget to pay attention to where I’m going. As I dart through the drops, all I know is that I can’t go back to the house. I can’t be there with McKenna’s eyes daring me to make a move we both know I can’t make. Even though I want to more than anything.
I arrive at the weathered front door in front of Nardi’s Tavern without remembering exactly how I got here, but now that I’m here, it seems almost fitting.
A trickle of rain spills off the gutter and pours down the back of my neck as the doors open. A group of people walks out, and one of the guys holds open the door for me.
I walk in.
Might as well.
I take a seat at the counter and breathe in—warm, mellow whiskey, and deep, plummy wines. A citrusy tequila, and wedges of lime and lemon and Maraschino cherries set out on the scratched wooden bar.
“What can I get for you?” asks the girl behind the counter. She’s young and attractive, her eyes rimmed with heavy liner. College age. Like McKenna.
I win or lose a battle of wills, depending on how you look at it. “Cranberry juice.”
I’m sitting at the bar, breathing it all in and nursing my drink, when the door opens and a slim brunette saunters into the tavern wearing a sundress and wedge sandals.
She sits down next to me and says, “Hey,” with a familiarity I don’t feel.
Do I know her?
I nod a greeting, and she points at my drink. “Gaining back all those workout calories?”
I sputter out my drink. Oh my god, it’s Susie from the gym. “Hey,” I say. “Nice to see you.”
“You forget who I was just because I’m not in spandex?” she asks with a wink.
“No,” I lie. “I was just testing if you knew who I was.”
“Riiiight.” She gives me a slow nod but doesn’t seem offended by my flub. As she leans closer, a whiff of perfume rolls off her skin. “You know, you really should consider the personal training thing. I wasn’t bullshitting you.”
I raise an eyebrow.
“You’re good with people,” she says. “You get them to really listen to what you have to say.”
“Thanks.”
I slam back a slug of my juice, but it’s so sweet-tart it makes my teeth hurt.
Susie orders a beer, and when the bottle arrives, sweating cold, I have to drop my eyes to my hands to not watch it, to not imagine the way it will make me feel. It’s not even that I really want a drink. It’s that I want to know I can look into the face of my temptation and say no because that’s what I need to do with McKenna. I’m finding it harder and harder every day.
As much as I don’t want to let her down, being with her isn’t fair to her. It’s not fair to my family. And I realize it’s incredibly fucked up that I’d rather face my demons here in the bar than face the fact that I can’t have her, but here we are.
The front door of the bar cracks open, and the fresh, damp scent of rain gusts in. I turn when a cool draft of air hits my skin, and then stop breathing at the sight of McKenna framed in the doorway.
Her blond hair falls wild around her shoulders, her lower lip quivering and her eyes big as she scans the room. When she spots me, her shoulders drop and she lets out a deep breath, but she also looks furious. Pissed and beautiful and relieved all at once. The storm sends all this electricity into the air—or maybe that’s just her.
McKenna doesn’t bother pausing to show the bouncers ID—she just storms in—and even though she’s underage, no one stops her. It could be her shirt, cut just under her breasts to expose her smooth, toned stomach, or it could be the way her eyes challenge everything. The force of her determination is going to get her through every obstacle that comes her way. She may not see it yet, but whatever she decides to do in school and in life, she’s going to be just fine.
McKenna appears at my side, and Susie darts a gaze back and forth between the two of us, her lips pressed into a line.
“Can I see you outside?” McKenna asks softly. She puts a smile on her face that’s strained at the corners, but she’s trying so hard. She cuts her eyes at Susie and motions her head toward the door. “Please?”
Even now, ready to rip into me, she isn’t going to spill my secrets, and in this moment I swear I might love her just for that.
Susie looks like she wants to say something, or make sure I’m okay or whatever, which is almost laughable because what’s she really going to do? I nod at her that I’m fine, then follow McKenna to the door. Every quiet murmur in the room feels like it’s directed at us.
McKenna stops just under the awning outside, the air full of noise and color and chaos. The rain pours a rhythm on the roof, and my heartbeat in my ears is almost as loud.
She opens her mouth, and I whirl on her before she can speak.
“I don’t know what you’re doing here,” I spit out. “This isn’t your problem.”
Her lips pull into a frown. “Yeah, Blake, it kind of is.”
I don’t want her to care so much, but I do. The heat of her attention feels like the sun when I’ve been living in the dark for too long. But all that heat’s only going to burn us.
McKenna sighs and nods
toward the door. “I’m sorry for whatever I said back there that made you think this was a good idea.”
“What the hell was that? Andie? Really?”
She folds a smile between her teeth and tries to look chagrined. “Amber.”
Dammit.
“I have no interest in being set up with your friends.”
She holds up her hands. “Okay. And I’m sorry.” She lowers her voice like she’s trying to calm a wild horse. “It’s just not worth walking into that bar. What you’re looking for isn’t inside, and you know it.”
What I’m looking for is right in front of me, gorgeous and untouchable. The rain’s soaked through McKenna’s shirt, and her skin shines with trails of water that glisten like silver. Her lips are pursed and entirely too kissable, her heart-shaped face the perfect size for my hands. She looks like she just stepped out of someone’s wet dream.
My wet dream.
She’s every thought I’ve tried not to think over these past few weeks. Every surge of desire I’ve tried not to feel. And god, I want her so much.
Don’t let it hurt. Don’t let it hurt.
“What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?” I whisper because I honestly want to know.
She just looks at me, her chin tilted up to show the line of her neck. “Maybe if they’re smart, they both give in.”
It physically hurts to say the words. “We can’t do this.” My lungs collapse a little, my chest burning and my muscles throbbing with a dull ache.
It’s the first time I’ve dared to breathe the words, but we both know what this is.
“No, you can’t do this.” Her forehead crumples, and her shoulders tense up again. “What happened to all your talk about grabbing life by the balls?” Her cheeks are so pink and pretty. “You know what, it’s fine.” She shakes her head, eyes full of disappointment, then whirls away from me and rushes down the stairs to plunge into the rain.
Dammit.
“McKenna,” I call, but she doesn’t stop, and my feet move on their own, rushing out to follow her.
I grab her wrist and spin her back to me. A trickle of water slides down her neck and disappears into the edge of her shirt.
Maybe that’s what undoes me.
A whole ocean, a whole thunderstorm, and in the end it’s just a single drop. I need to know what it tastes like.
McKenna lets out a gasp as I reach for her waist. I slide my hands over her skin and haul her body against mine.
“Blake—” Her lips tremble. “I don’t want to be the thing that breaks you.”
But it’s too late, she already has, and I tilt my head down and crush my lips against hers. The storm pours down on us, and I kiss her like it’s everything. And McKenna Maycomb kisses me back. She reaches onto her tiptoes, wraps her arms around my neck, and scrapes her fingers through my hair, sending a rush of goosebumps over my skin.
McKenna’s mouth tastes like candy, her lips plump and soft. She’s all heat and desire, and her heart bangs against mine through our thin, soaked clothes. We’re both breathing so heavy that it’s dizzying, but there’s no air as important as the breath we’re sharing.
I slide my hands from McKenna’s hips all the way up to her neck, needy, hungry, and her curves yield to me, softening against my body. I cradle her head as I kiss her because the whole world rests between my two hands.
She moans into my mouth, then darts out her tongue to taste mine. My cock tightens, and she presses her hips against me, another gasp.
Jesus Christ, I’m about ready to carry her back home and fuck her the way she’s been begging for. We’ve already crossed the line, but I’m ready to fucking erase it, and it’s so reckless and stupid but exactly, perfectly right.
Behind us somewhere, the door creaks open, and Susie’s voice floats to me. “Your drink’s getting lonely without—”
Her voice breaks off as I pull my raw mouth away from McKenna’s.
“—you.”
Susie’s face turns red, and she plays with her hands. “Sorry. Didn’t realize you were… Yeah.” She pushes down the steps and walks past me and the girl still in my arms. “I’m gonna go.”
McKenna looks up at me from the circle of my arms, her forehead creasing. “You can go after her. It’s okay.”
I shake my head and tighten my grip around her. She shivers against me, and I draw my thumb along her jaw. “We should get you home.”
I know exactly what I’m choosing.
Maybe it’s not a choice at all.
19
McKenna
July
“Where the hell were you?” Brooke asks as I walk into the house, my lips and skin and mind still buzzing from Blake. He’d walked me halfway home before telling me he was going to keep walking for a while, and maybe it’s better that it’s just me here, soaking wet and squirming under Brooke’s scrutiny.
I freeze for a second, my mouth half open. “What do you mean?”
There’s a glint in her eye as she takes in my ruined clothes and wild hair. “We came back from the beach and you were gone.” She waves around the table, where everyone’s sitting mid-poker game. “I’m assuming you were off getting into trouble.”
“I was checking on my plants,” I say too fast. “Making sure they didn’t get wrecked in the storm. I must have been on the far side of the house.”
She shakes her head with a smile. “You left Amber so you could go take care of your plants?”
“I left Amber to go take care of my…” What is he? My stepbrother? My crush? The man who just kissed me senseless? My body burns with the restless need to jump into Blake’s arms right now, but he’s not here, and I can’t handle this interrogation.
Poor Amber sits at the far end of the kitchen table, nursing a can of Diet Coke, her cards pressed against her chest.
“Sorry sweetie,” I call to her.
She shrugs. “You see Blake out there? He disappeared too.”
Brooke’s eyes shoot back to mine, and I shake my head ever so slightly. She knows something’s up, but she’s not going to press it here in the crowd.
I shove my hands in my back pockets. “Nope.”
Brooke lays her cards face up on the table and stands from her seat, apparently bored with this line of questioning.
“What are you doing?” Sam groans. “You just blew your hand.”
“Whatever. Why don’t we start a new round and deal McKenna in since she’s our host?”
The boys collect the cards and start to shuffle them while Brooke wraps her arms around my neck and giggles at how wet I am.
“Too bad you have a no-drinking policy because you’re a few beers behind,” she whispers in my ear.
Her hoppy breath is sweet on my face. I reach up my hand to gently squeeze her arm. “You know that’s not my thing.”
We always push back and forth about drinking when I’m at school, and I know that makes me not a ton of fun, but it’s just not on my radar. At least tonight I can pass this off as my issue rather than Blake’s. It’s nice to be able to give him a space away from scrutiny, since I’m sure he had to deal with it a ton as a professional athlete. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been to have everyone’s eyes on him as he got injured and then fell into the trap of his addiction. But I believed him when, tonight, after the kiss, he told me all he had to drink in that bar was juice. I’m clinging to that.
“Alright, sweet pea,” Brooke sighs, pressing a lip-glossed kiss to my cheek. “At least play the game with us while we all sober up enough to drive home.”
I take a seat at the table. “You’ve got a deal.” I accept the cards Sam hands me, but my mind isn’t on the game at all. It’s on Blake, wherever he is. Blake who doesn’t come home for hours, not until I’m in bed and my friends are long gone.
* * *
I’m lying on a deck chair, not really reading the book propped on my chest, when the sliding glass door opens behind me.
I draw in a breath, and every nerve
ending in my body prickles while the sun beats down on my skin. A drop of sweat rolls down my back, chased by a shiver of goosebumps.
Is Blake going to stay or is he going to run? And why the hell is that the question of the summer?
Underneath the throb of guilt I have about him is the kind of feeling I know I have to chase. The feeling that people spend their whole lives looking for. From the way he kissed me, I know he feels it too.
I prop myself up on my elbows and look over my shoulder to the gorgeous man stepping through the doors. Blake’s hair is rumpled from sleep, and he’s still wearing pajama pants even though it’s almost noon. They hang deliciously low on his hips, and he’s shirtless. Of course he is.
I call out a “hey” so filled with wanting I’m surprised it doesn’t drop straight onto the deck with a thud, and Blake turns his eyes to mine.
There’s something heavy and unreadable in his gaze.
“You okay?” I ask.
He hesitates a minute before he shuts the door behind him and steps to the railing, ignoring the empty chair beside me.
“I’m fine,” he lies.
I swing my legs over the edge of the chair and stand up. I need equal ground with him to say the things I need to say.
I gather my courage and jump. “You didn’t come home,” I whisper. “I was worried.”
“I needed some space.”
I bite my lip and nod. “But what happened? Last night was…” My voice trails off. “Did I do something wrong?”
A muscle ticks in his jaw, and he folds his arms over his chest. “I wasn’t thinking last night, Kenn. But it shouldn’t happen again.”
My heart rips a little. Tattered pieces on the floor. “What?”
He looks anguished as he stares at me, his beautiful mouth pulled down and his eyes trying to tell me something I don’t want to hear.
“I want you, but I can’t have you, and it kills me inside.”
He said it out loud. I want you. That’s the only part worth listening to.
Step Summer Page 11
