by Ella Wayne
“Oh, nothing much. He said that it was interesting and that you did have some repressed memories, but he didn't tell me what they were. That's for you to tell me, if you feel comfortable with it that is,” Dr. Arnet said, pen at the ready.
“I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about that yet,” Leslie said, swallowing hard. Her throat was dry. She wanted to pour herself some water but she didn't want Dr. Arnet to see that her hands were trembling, so she decided to wait until she was feeling a little more at ease.
“That's fine. I can imagine it's quite overwhelming to have memories back. It must be quite jarring?”
“Yes, at least it was at first, but it's a good thing. It gives me more of a complete picture about what happened.”
“Have you come to terms with it now?”
“I believe so. There are still some things I think I need to work through but I think I feel more comfortable knowing who I am, if that makes sense?” Dr. Arnet nodded her head and scribbled something on her pad, then remained silent, waiting for Leslie to keep talking. “That is, if we can ever know who we truly are. I've been thinking a lot lately about life and how even though I'm almost thirty I don't really know if I've lived at all. I don't understand what it means to be in a long-term relationship. Because of everything that's happened I've never been able to hold a boyfriend down for too long.”
“Do you think happiness is defined by being with someone else?”
“Well, I mean, to an extent yeah. I get that you don't need anyone to be happy but it's nice to have someone around, isn't it? To have someone to talk to, and to have someone you know you can rely on if you need help. But maybe it's just because I haven't been able to feel settled, jumping from place-to-place and town-to-town.”
“Do you think you're more likely to settle now that you have a better understanding of your own mind? Do you think you'll be able to make a home for yourself in Denver?”
“Well, maybe not in Denver,” Leslie said, thinking to herself that an alien spaceship was about as far away from Denver as you could get. Then she had a brief thought about what the tall white's planet was like, and if she would ever see it. Because of her connection to them she wanted to know where they came from, what their history was. There was so much she did not know about them, and she hoped that they could teach her as much about them as she was going to teach them about love...if they ever came for her again, although she tried to push away the seed of doubt that was growing in her mind. “But I think so...maybe. I guess I'm still trying to figure that part out.”
“You know you're not in a rush. You have time. I know that when you're getting to the end of your twenties it can feel like you're supposed to be further along than you actually are, but you're still young and if there's one thing I've learned is that there's always plenty of time. So, try not to worry.”
“I do try, and I try to keep perspective and say that actually you know, I have a decent job, I have a place to live, I'm quite self-sufficient, but I look at the people around me and I feel like I'm being overtaken.”
“So, what do you feel you need to keep up with them?”
“I don't know, a plan I guess?”
“And what would a plan entail?”
Leslie looked around the room, although it didn't help her in her search for an answer. “Just something to look forward to the future. I realized last night that I've never had a career in mind. I don't know if I'll ever find a guy to marry. I just don't want to get to a point where I'm approaching fifty and I'm still feeling like I am now.”
“I have good news for you Leslie, all feelings do pass over time. Do you think that maybe you look at the big picture too much? Perhaps you should try focusing on small goals and slowly build them up. It can be something as simple as reading a book or finishing a project. Just a set goal so that when you finish it you can feel like you have accomplished something.”
“I met a guy last night,” Leslie blurted out. She wasn't sure where it had come from, and sometimes she grew angry at her own mouth for betraying her, but the truth was that she couldn't shake Jack no matter how hard she tried.
“Oh really? Where did you meet him?”
“I was out with my friend Sharee. I went to the bar and when I came back he and his friend were talking with Sharee. She went home with Jack's friend.”
“Did you go home with Jack?”
“No, well, he dropped me off but he didn't come inside. He said he just wanted to see me again and spend some time with me.”
“Well that sounds like a positive thing. Do you like him too?”
“I don't know,” Leslie sighed, “he was nice to talk to, handsome, interesting, but I just don't know if I should get involved with anyone right now.”
“Because of what you remembered when you were under hypnosis?”
“Yes,” Leslie said, shifting uncomfortably in her chair.
“Do you feel like you're unworthy of affection?” Mrs. Arnet said, shifting too. She leaned forward and pushed a swirl of hair away from her face.
“I don't know if unworthy is the right word. I just think I'm too much trouble for someone. I come with a lot of baggage you know, I'm just not sure how I'd ever explain it all to someone.”
“Well, I think people have the capacity to surprise you, especially when it comes to love. I understand it's difficult to express your feelings sometimes, especially when it's something that you hold so close to you, but there's something freeing about finally sharing it as well, and when you share secrets with someone, you create a bond. But we're all getting ahead of ourselves here, it's not like this Jack fellow asked for your hand in marriage or anything, did he?”
“No, in fact he made it clear that even if I wasn't in the right place to start a relationship we could just hang out.”
“What makes you afraid of that?”
“I don't know - just introducing someone new into my life I guess.”
“It can be scary, but I often think that sometimes life is about the people you haven't met yet. I know you haven't have the best experiences with men but it doesn't mean that all your experiences are going to be like that. Obviously, you're free to do whatever you like and if you don't have a good feeling about him then you don't have to see him again, but I think it might be good if you at least hung out with him again, just to get used to speaking with new people and you never know, it might ease you back into the world. The best thing you can do in life is to say yes because you only regret the things you didn't know. I know that's a cliché but sometimes clichés are good things to rely on. Are there any other issues that you wanted to talk about today?”
“I don't think so,” Leslie lied. Of course, there was. She wanted to talk about what it was like to have the pressure of an entire alien race on her shoulders. She wanted to talk about what it felt like to have two aliens close to her, having sex with her, with all the other scientists watching. She wanted to talk about what it felt like knowing that over the years she'd been pregnant countless times, only for the babies to be taken from her and stored on a spaceship. She wanted to talk about how the aliens were walking among them now, how they could be anyone and anywhere, but she couldn't talk about any of those things. She had to keep quiet, and when she left Dr. Arnet she wasn't really feeling any better than when she had gone in and she was still undecided about what to do about Jack. Glancing at her cell, she saw that he hadn't called her yet, and she hoped that he wouldn't because the decision would be made for her.
Chapter 7
L eslie went to work and when she was on a break her phone rang. Her heart caught in her throat thinking that it was Jack, but then she looked and saw that it was James. That was almost even worse. She had to explain to James that she didn't want another session.
“I really think that we should talk about what you discovered last time. It's really quite remarkable and I've never heard anything like it in all my years,” he said.
“I appreciate that but I think it's something I'd rather forget, as
ironic as that seems.”
“Leslie, I understand your hesitation but you can't run from this. We need to explore this more in further sessions, and frankly, I'd like for you to talk to your therapist about it too. Together we can all work together and find what this really means.”
“I know what it means. It means that my mind is messed up and I just need to stop thinking about the past and get on with my life. I can't spend all this time being obsessed with these thoughts.”
“But the things you came up with! We could write a long paper about it. We could do a whole study on how the mind copes with things. And even, I mean - even if it's true - what this could mean for humanity itself? If there are aliens up there who are experimenting on you, then you should be aware of it. Perhaps through you we can communicate with them and figure out what they want with us, with this planet. We don't know if they're kind or evil or just neutral, we don't know what their grand plans are. You could be an ambassador for Earth, a bridge between our two species. Don't you understand Leslie, this could be the key that takes us to the next level! The fate of humanity could rest on your shoulders and-”
“Well maybe I don't want that responsibility! Maybe I don't want to be an ambassador. I'm not meant for that for goodness' sake! I don't know what you expect of me but I can't be what you need. I can barely handle my own life let alone what you think this is. And even if they are real - ” it took all of Leslie's awareness to not let slip that she knew it was all correct, “what makes you think they even want to talk to us? And you know what the government will do. I don't want to get mixed up in all of that. I appreciate you trying to help me James, but I really don't think that anything is going to happen. I just want to stick to my normal therapy and work on my own problems. I need to focus on taking control of my own life, not on the rest of Earth. That's all I have to say about it and I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone else about this. What happened between us was confidential and it's going to have to stay that way.”
She ended the call before James could say anything else. It was difficult to do because he was the only one other one than her to know the truth and if she wanted to confide in anyone he would be the best candidate, yet she couldn't bring herself to. What happened between her and the tall whites was something special and unique to her. She didn't want anyone else to be involved, and she didn't want to think about the rest of Earth. She liked knowing that she was special, that she mattered to the tall whites, and that was all she wanted to focus on. They had their plans and even though she knew little of them she was sure they didn't get involved with actually talking to Earth's government, and she was sure that the government wouldn't take kindly to aliens spreading their seed throughout human civilization. No, the only way she could serve the tall whites properly was to keep it a secret, and make sure that nobody else ever found out. That meant keeping James quiet too.
Chapter 8
F or the rest of the day Leslie had much on her mind. She couldn't stop thinking about what James had said, and all the possibilities of what could happen if she actually came out with the truth. Part of her wondered if she was right in her assumption that the government would actually be willing to meet the tall whites with guns raised. Perhaps she misjudged them and they would be able to communicate and come to some sort of understanding, but the more she thought about it the more unrealistic she thought she was being. She knew what the government was like. They would never understand, and they'd never leave her alone if they found out the truth. They'd study her and make an example out of her. They'd probably invade her mind and try to use her as a weapon against the tall whites. She wouldn't be an ambassador at all, she would be used and treated like a tool. Not like with the tall whites. They took her and respected her. They wanted her to be the mother to a new generation. Perhaps in time, the ones she birthed would come to worship her as a queen. She was sure the government would only see their actions as malevolent but she was sure there was something good in them. They hadn't harmed her, quite the opposite, they had given her something special, something of which she could be proud.
With all of these things on her mind she found it difficult to concentrate at work, and was summarily called out on it by Margaret, who was in a particularly foul mood that morning. She grumbled something about her husband and once again Leslie was left to wonder why people got married when they weren't happy. She knew she didn't have a plan in life but a big part of anyone's plan should have been to be happy, not just to languish in a marriage because you thought you were tied together. Of course, whenever anyone brought this up with Margaret she scowled and muttered something unintelligible. Leslie suspected that much of her anger wasn't with her husband at all, but with herself for not being able to break free of the prison she had made for herself.
Leslie took the criticism and promised that she would make amends for the rest of the day, but really her mind was on the tall whites. If they didn't come tonight that would be three nights in a row, and she didn't think she could last that long. She needed to feel their touch again, needed to be on that ship where she belonged, where she was so important and so needed. The jewelry store, and really the entire planet Earth, seemed so mundane and ordinary when compared with the wonders that were up above the planet, and all she wanted to do was be up there again. In idle moments, she found herself staring up at the sky. Kelsey noticed and asked her what she was looking at.
“Just thinking about the possibilities,” she said. Kelsey then started chattering about something else until another customer came in. Leslie thought about the man the previous day who had bought an anklet for his wife. She looked at everyone more carefully, but she did not see anyone else who resembled one of the tall whites when they were in human form. She hoped that they would come that night because she needed to see them again, and the longer it went without them visiting the more she worried that she had done something wrong, that somehow, she had violated the pact they had created between them.
After she finished work she was on the way home when her phone buzzed. She looked over and saw that it was Jack calling. Her heart sank. She wished he had just left him alone, or that he had sent her a text message. Those were easy to ignore. It was harder to ignore a call. Reluctantly, although a part of her did want to see him again, she put him on speakerphone while she was driving, making sure to keep her eyes on the road. He invited her out for a drink, and she resisted at first.
“Come on,” his voice said, somewhat crackly over the phone, “it's just a drink. And this time we won't have to feel like we're just there to chaperon Sharee and Steve. And to be honest I could just really use the company. Sometimes Steve is - well he gets in these moods and I like to just have some time apart so I can refresh myself. I know a bar that's pretty quiet,” he said in an imploring tone. She knew it was a bad idea but there was a part of her that wanted to see him again, that wanted to be in his presence and enjoy his company
“Okay, I will, but I can't stay out as late as last night,” she said.
“Is your car going to turn into a pumpkin?” he asked, chuckling to himself.
No, Leslie thought, I'm just going to be beamed up to an alien spaceship. She didn't tell him that of course, but they made arrangements to meet and then Leslie returned home to get freshened up for the evening.
While she was getting ready she thought about the essence of keeping a secret. While she felt guilty about going out with Jack, she thought it best to keep up the appearance of a normal life, for if she did shut herself away and never went out anywhere people may become suspicious, and although they would not immediately leap to the correct conclusion they may start poking their nose in her business and try to figure out what was wrong, and if they did that then there was a chance that they would end up finding out the truth, and the more people that knew the worse it would be.
Also, the talk about plans with Dr. Arnet made her think about her own life and what she wanted it to be. Leslie didn't know what kind of career she wanted but
she thought she had better start forming ideas just in case the tall whites did abandon her - even though she was sure that would never happen. But everything was so uncertain and after all that time invested in the experiments she didn't know what she was going to do when they reached the final phase of their plan. She didn't know if there would be a place for her on their ship when it was all over, and if they just left her she knew it would break her heart. What she really wanted was to be with her children, to see them grow and flourish and be as much of a mother to them as she could. Even though she had never had the opportunity to carry a baby to term she still felt connected to them all. She still loved them and wanted the best for them, and she felt responsible for their well-being.
But at least she would not have to get examined by the gynecologist as often as she had been. The mystery of her phantom pregnancies had been solved. So, now whenever she had another one she knew not to panic. It was perfectly normal for what the aliens were doing to her and now that she was aware of their plans it didn't fill her with fear any longer. For a time, it had felt like there was something terribly wrong with either her body or her mind, but no longer did she have to worry about that. She had been something of a regular there but she could try and escape that. She didn't want them poking around inside her anyway in case they found evidence of the procedures that had been performed on her by the tall whites, although she doubted that would ever happen because she had been taken by the tall whites since she was sixteen and as of yet, no doctor had been able to diagnose what had been happening to her.
