“You're so small, Charlie,” he whispered to me. I pulled back slightly to look up at him, puzzled by his comment. “All these years, I've seen you, I've hugged you even. But right now, as I'm holding onto you, I am amazed that something so important to me and so vital to my life can be wrapped up in such a small package.” His arms tightened around me and I heard a small gasp leave my lungs. He lifted me up so my feet left the ground and our faces were level. I held on around his neck and he had me firmly around my middle. He rested his forehead against mine and I felt my eyes drift closed.
“You mean everything to me, Charlie. I'm not sure I even understand what that means fully right now, but every day it becomes clearer to me. You are my everything.”
His words zipped through me, electrifying my pulse and racing through my veins. We were two friends, standing on a dance floor, still nearly children, dressed up as adults, and we were at a crossroads. Our foreheads still touching, our ragged breaths intermingling, our paths intertwining at this very moment.
It was all too much for me.
I twisted away from him and slowly slid down from his grasp. My hand was still on his chest when I looked up at his face, twisted in concern and confusion. My fingers gripped his shirt, not wanting to let go, but I knew I had to. This was more than I had bargained for. I took a deep breath and broke our contact, heading towards the doors that would lead me outside.
Once I was out the doors, I took in deep breaths like I'd been underwater for hours. I couldn't seem to get enough air. I found a wall to lean against and tried my best to calm my lungs. After a few minutes Reeve came out and found me trying to breathe normally again.
“Charlie, what happened? Asher told me you were upset and to come find you.” Of course Asher sent her.
“I just want to go home,” I said, sounding small.
“First tell me what happened.” She sounded concerned, but also demanding. I looked down at my hands, trying to find a way to relieve the anxiety that was building within me.
“I think,” I started, but lost my nerve, bringing my hands to my face. My head was starting to pound and I just wanted to lie down.
“Charlie, just tell me. You'll feel better.”
I let out a large breath, again just trying to regulate a normal breathing pattern. I felt like if I could master breathing at the moment, I could master anything. Finally, I felt like I could finish a sentence.
“I think things between Asher and me are changing.” I cringed with the words coming from my mouth. Admitting it was giving it life. Saying it was making it true. At least, that's what it felt like to me. My eyes shot open in surprise with the sound of Reeve's laughter ringing through the air. She held her stomach, laughing big belly laughs, and after a few moments a few tears started to make their way down her cheeks.
“Why are you laughing?” I asked, horrified.
She took a few minutes to compose herself, but could only stop laughing long enough to sputter a sentence at me.
“Things have been changing since school started, Charlie.” Her statement shocked me, but made sense at the same time. All year, even as early as the very first day when Asher defended me against the foul-mouthed boy, things were slowly morphing. But what happened tonight seemed like a warped-speed metamorphosis. Everything had been magnified. Illuminated.
“What am I going to do, Reeve?” I sounded just as panicked as I felt.
“What do you mean?”
“I don't know. What's supposed to happen now?” Reeve looked at me like I was crazy.
“Do you like Asher?” She asked that question so effortlessly, so callously, I was almost angry at her for asking such an important question with such little concern.
“Of course I like Asher.” I stated, dumbfounded, confused and a little angry.
“No, I mean, like, do you want him?”
“Want him?” I felt permanent frown lines forming on my forehead and I could feel my pulse pounding in my temple.
“You know, do you want him to kiss you? Hold your hand? Be your boyfriend?”
“Be my boyfriend?” Too much. This was all too much. “I just want to go home.” I heard her exhale, then I heard her heels click on the pavement as she made her way towards me.
“Ok, Charlie. Let's go wait for your dad. But be aware that just because you're running away from this right now doesn't mean it won’t be waiting for you in the morning. I don't think Asher is going to let up any time soon. And honestly, he was really upset when you ran out on him.” That tidbit of information piqued my interest.
“He was upset?”
“Well, yeah. He was worried about you.” That tugged at my heart. I didn't want him to worry about me.
“Could you just go back in there and tell him that I am fine, that I am just going to go home. Tell him I will talk to him later.” Reeve gave me a long and lingering stare.
“Ok, I will go and tell him, but you are going to have to talk to him about all this at some point.”
“Not tonight.” I was exhausted. I watched Reeve walk back towards the building and I stumbled around the corner to head towards where my dad would pick us up. The heels I wore turned out to be a big mistake and my feet were rebelling against them. I leaned up against the wall, waiting for my dad to show up, trying to forget, for just a moment, that things between Asher and I would likely never be the same.
The next afternoon I was in my room doing what I always did when I was upset – I drew. My mother always encouraged my art and it was something we shared up until her death. My mother was a painter, but I enjoyed drawing. At the moment I used charcoal and was fiddling around when I realized I had drawn two hands holding each other. I tried hard not to think about why my mind had gone there, but I knew why. I knew I would have to talk to Asher eventually. I just wasn't sure what I would say.
I didn't have long to think about it though. I heard a soft knock on my door and turned to see him leaning against the door frame. He looked worried and that, in turn, worried me.
“Is everything ok?” I asked immediately concerned.
“I don't know. You tell me.” He said quietly as he walked into my room and sat on my unmade bed. I took a moment to look at him, trying to sort out my thoughts.
“I am sorry I ran out on you last night, Asher. I shouldn't have left like that.”
He looked down at his hands fidgeting with the hem of his shirt.
“Did I do something wrong?”
“No.” The word was out of my mouth in a nanosecond and I hadn't even contemplated his question. Did he do something wrong? No, not wrong. Thinking back to the night before and how Asher had treated me – holding my hand, dancing with me, matching his suit to my dress in a gentle nod towards possession – and I knew I wouldn't have changed any of it for the world. What I would change, however, is the way it made me feel. “Asher,” I began as I moved to sit next to him. “Last night was so wonderful and I appreciate everything you did for me. But I never expected any of it and it just sort of caught me off guard.”
“How I feel about you caught you off guard?”
“I guess,” I answered. Now I was the one looking down to avoid his gaze.
“Listen, Bit. I'm sorry if I overwhelmed you last night, but the way I feel about you isn't just something that happened yesterday. I thought I was pretty obvious about it for a while now.” He sounded frustrated and the last thing I wanted was for him to get angry. Had his feelings been obvious? Reeve always pointed out whenever Asher did things that seemed more than friendly, and even though I knew deep down that things were changing between us, I always tried to push it aside. I knew other boys didn't ask me out or flirt with me because they would have to answer to Asher.
“I don't know what you want from me, Asher. And I'm afraid that what you want I won't be able to give to you. I'm just scared,” I uttered in a moment of unfiltered honesty.
“Charlie,” Asher said with compassion in his voice. I looked up at him and for a moment just saw the same ol
d Asher I'd known since I was eleven. We were interrupted by my father clearing his voice from the hallway, looking into my room with mild concern. Asher immediately stood up from the bed and stuck his hands in his pockets.
“Good afternoon, Asher.”
“Hi, Sir.”
“Charlie Bear, I am going to head out and get some paperwork done at the office.” His eyes darted back and forth between me and Asher. “You guys gonna be ok here?”
“Yes, Dad,” I said, fighting the urge to roll my eyes, something I knew would get me in more trouble than it was worth.
“Ok. I'll be back for dinner.”
“Bye, Dad.”
“Goodbye, Sir,” Asher said, sounding nervous. I watched as my dad walked away from the door and after a few moments we heard the front door close.
“Since when do you call my dad 'Sir'?”
“Since he started looking at me like a threat,” he said, sounding grumpy again. “Listen, Charlie, can we just have a real conversation? I'm tired of avoiding everything that's going on and I just want it all out in the open.” The idea of being truly honest with him in this moment terrified me.
“Aren't you even a little bit afraid?” I whispered.
“Afraid of what, Charlie?” He asked quietly.
“That everything will change and never be like it used to be? That our friendship will be ruined?”
“By what? Caring for each other? I already care about you and we're still friends.”
“That's all you want? To be friends who care about each other?”
“What I want and what I'll get are two very different things, and I am at least smart enough to know that much. So, no, I don't just want to be friends. But ignoring the things that are happening between us isn't cutting it for me anymore. I just want to talk about it.”
“Ok,” I said, finding my bravery. “So talk.”
“I know I haven't been very subtle in regards to the feelings I have about you, but I haven't ever just talked to you about them either.” He took in a deep breath and I felt my chest expand as I unknowingly did the same. Everything was going to change for us after this, I could tell. “When I first saw you, that very first day in fifth grade, I immediately felt a pull towards you. I'd seen boys pick on girls before, but never had I felt compelled to protect someone as much as I did you.” He ran his hand through his short hair, something I was beginning to associate with his frustration.
“Even though I didn't know your name, I had never met you, and I couldn't fully understand my feelings, I knew you were mine.”
Every synapse in my mind fired all at once. My lungs seized up, my stomach dropped, my fingernails dug into my thighs. I stared at him, watching him work through his feelings as he laid it all out for me. He sat on the bed with a loud sigh.
“I was eleven, Bit, and I had just lost my best friend. It felt natural for us to become close, to hang out all the time and goof off. And I did just think of you as a friend. But even back then I knew that if another boy had tried to befriend you it would have made me angry. Slowly, as time passed, I began to see you as more than just my friend, just the girl down the street. I couldn't help the way my body responded to you. I couldn't control the thoughts I was having. I tried to. I really did. Then we spent the summer apart and for me, everything was different.”
He looked up at me then, and I saw a mixture of happiness and apprehension in his eyes. I wanted him to continue, wanted him to know that I wanted to hear the rest. I scooted over on the bed and took his hand in mine; a move I never thought I would have the courage to execute.
He looked down at our hands and moved his fingers to slide down and fit perfectly in between mine. My hand looked ridiculously small against his, but it also looked wonderful.
“Before I left, the idea of you being here without me drove me crazy. I fought with my parents, trying to get them to let me stay. I used really lame excuses, like wanting to get a summer job or even taking summer classes, when really I just didn't want to leave you. If I wasn't here to fend them off, I knew the boys would start coming around.” I had to laugh because it was ridiculous. Luckily, Asher smiled at my laughter. “Then I left and I swear I thought about you every day, Charlie. I missed you. I missed my best friend, but I also missed the girl who I wanted to spend all my time with. We've always been inseparable and that time away from you was hard.”
“I missed you too,” I said softly. He gave me a small smile.
“Then I came home to a completely different Bit than I left,” he said as he stood up, letting go of my hand. “Something happened to you over the summer. I'm sure if I had been here every day the difference wouldn't have seemed so drastic, but it was like you had changed overnight. And all of a sudden every guy was noticing you.” He paced around my room and all I could do was watch him nervously walk from one end to the other. I had no idea what to say or do.
“When I pushed that guy against the locker, that first day of school, I knew I was in over my head. I am not proud of what I did to him, but in that moment I couldn't control myself. I instantly knew every thought he was having about you in his mind because I was having the same thoughts. I knew how much he wanted you, because I wanted you just as much, if not more. So I decided to just step back a bit. I couldn't go around pounding every guy who looked at you, even though I desperately wanted to. As far as I could tell you weren't interested in any of them, so I tried to stay out of it, tried to reign in my feelings.
“But I'm not sure I can do it anymore, Charlie. I can't keep the way I feel about you locked up inside of me anymore.” He stopped pacing and looked at me, a question in his eyes. I tried to take in everything he was telling me. I wasn't really surprised. On some level I had known that our relationship was slowly changing. It was just time to come to terms with the fact that we would probably no longer be the same friends that we started out as when we were eleven.
“What do you want from me?” I asked honestly. I didn't know where to go from here.
“For starters, I just want to know how you feel. You know, about me. About us.”
In this moment, I felt like I stood on a cliff. I was on the edge of the rest of my life and everything after this conversation depended on what I was about to say. Everything felt wildly important and that stressed me out.
“How can you promise me that after this, after we spill out everything we feel for each other, we won’t ruin our friendship? Because I will take your friendship over anything, Asher. You're the best friend I've ever had and I won't do anything to jeopardize that.” I felt panic rising in my voice even as I spoke about us losing what we had. My hands started to shake and regular breaths were stolen from me, replaced with shaky and shallow inhalations posing as breathing.
I felt him wrap his arms around me. My cheek pressed into his chest as he held me, his chin resting on the top of my head. I took a few breaths, very aware of the clean yet spicy scent coming from him.
“There's nothing that could happen that would take away our friendship, Bit. I wouldn't let anything take you away from me.” His lips moved against my hair and I felt myself calm with his words. “If you don't feel the same way about me, if you aren't having the same trouble I am keeping everything on the friend level, I will get over it. I will accept whatever it is you have to say and I will try to move on, and we can go back to being just friends.”
“And you want honesty, right?”
He chuckled and I felt it vibrate through his shirt. I pulled back to look up at him and saw him smiling.
“I was hoping I could insist on it,” he answered. I pulled farther away from him so that there was a little space between us.
“Last night was so wonderful, Asher. You have to know that, if anything, I ran away from you because I was feeling too much.” I looked up at him through my eyelashes, trying to gauge his reaction. All I saw was a smile and a dimple. That alone made me feel a little better about baring my soul. “I haven't had any of these problems you've been having. I haven't
really ever given it much thought. I've always been yours. There's never been a question for me. If anyone had me, it was you.” I watched his smile grow bigger, the dimple becoming even more pronounced in his cheek. “But,” I said loudly, trying to make sure he knew I wasn't finished. “I'm not sure where to go from here. My Dad won't let me date and if last night is any indication, I need things to go slowly. So, it seems to me like this might all be a little premature to even be talking about.” I saw his shoulders slump and, to be honest, mine did too.
“I'm not saying things need to change, Bit. I am fine being your friend, for now. Even now, as friends, I still get to be near you, hug you, and maybe even hold your hand sometimes,” he said as he slid his hand into mine and linked our fingers. I felt a shy smile come over my face. “But,” he stopped mid-sentence and let out a frustrated groan.
“What is it?” I asked, his sudden mood swing concerned me.
“Honesty, right?”
I nodded at him, eagerly waiting to hear what was upsetting him.
“I just want to see if you wouldn't mind waiting for me too.”
“Waiting for you?” I couldn't understand what he was asking.
“Be my friend. Be the same Bit you always are. But I need to know that when you can, and when you're ready, you'll be with me.”
I tilted my head to the side slightly.
“You want me to promise you that we'll be together eventually?”
“Ok, that might have come out wrong,” he said sighing and shaking his head, sounding frustrated. “What I want is to be sure that I'm not in this alone. The last thing I would want is to be feeling all of this for you, waiting – patiently – and for you to be on a completely different page. I guess I just want to be sure that you feel the same way about me as I feel about you.”
“Asher, I've never had a boyfriend. I've never held hands with anyone. And I've never examined my feelings for anyone like I have with you. Whatever this is between us, I’m sure I want it and I want it to be with you.”
The smile that spread across his face was priceless and it made me smile as well.
The Space Between Us Page 6
