Risk

by Baylin Crow

  His eyebrows scrunched closer together while he was thinking, and I wanted to reach out and smooth the lines there.

  “Do you want it to be out in the open?” he asked.

  My mouth opened and closed, not knowing what to say. I hadn’t been asked anything like that in a long time. It was only ever my manager telling me what to do and how to handle things. And Blake of course, but he knew how I felt.

  My parents washed their hands of me when they found out and would never tell a soul because they were embarrassed and I told Drew as much. They weren’t cruel with words, but I just didn’t have a place in their lives anymore and that was just as bad. Not even money or fame had swayed them. Not that it would’ve changed anything on my end.

  Anyone I’d hooked up with since the media frenzy had to sign a non-disclosure agreement. Jerry didn’t care how unsexy NDAs were. It was his job to not take chances with my career.

  “More than anything,” I admitted, finally answering his question. “But it’s not going to happen unless I want to commit career suicide according to Jerry. Dealing with my PR is one of the things he handles. I’d lose out on fights and be dropped by sponsors.” I repeated what I’d been told dozens of times.

  “It’s actually encouraged to come out, believe it or not, but it’s a serious risk that I don’t think a lot of the world is ready for. If I was somewhere else in my career, it might not matter so much. I don’t know, but as it is, it just wouldn’t be worth it unless it was serious, and I have no interest in getting serious any time soon. If ever.”

  I didn’t. I enjoyed being single, at least I had before Drew. I hadn’t been with anyone since he’d shown up at the gym, and that was probably why every time I looked at him I got hard and could barely restrain myself.

  “Wow, that’s pretty messed up.”

  He looked so put out over it I couldn’t help but smile at him. When he returned the smile, the power of it traveled all the way to my cock. But the quick flutter in my stomach was a new sensation.

  Both feelings had me fighting to keep my hands to myself. This was the first true conversation I’d had with someone who seemed to care, other than Blake, and it came in the form of a very sexy, hands-off man.

  “So I have to ask. Why do you go out with so many women? I mean, you’re not sleeping with them, obviously.”

  He was right on that account. “No, Drew, I don’t sleep with them. That’s all Jerry. There are other gay fighters, and at first, I wasn’t planning on putting on this whole charade, but time after time, I saw their careers slipping away or stripped completely. That’s the only thing stopping me.

  “I’m not ashamed of anything. Even in college, I never just came right out and said I was gay, but I didn’t go out with girls either. I got ragged on quite a bit from some of the guys about it. I just let them assume whatever they wanted. So what Jerry has me doing goes against everything I stand for, but I just don’t see how I have a choice.” I shrugged. “I was almost forced out. I guess you didn’t hear about that or you wouldn’t have been so surprised.”

  “Oh, you mean the rumors?” he asked. “I just assumed they’d been wrong or fabricated. Until recently.” That sheepish smile got me every time.

  “Yeah. I guess those rumors did travel everywhere.” It was frustrating to know that that stuff would follow me no matter what I did. “I got busted at some gay club a few times without my knowledge until pictures were posted online. Jerry cleaned that up as best as he could, but once it’s on the internet…” I glanced down at my hands, then met Drew’s gaze again. “Anyway, that’s really why I have to make these appearances. Jerry leaks where I’ll be, and next thing I know, a magazine has confirmed I’m not gay.”

  Drew looked at me and stated flatly, “That’s fucked up. Does my uncle know?”

  I smiled softly. “Yeah, it’s pretty fucked up, and no, he doesn’t. I’d appreciate it staying that way.”

  “I won’t say anything.”

  After a brief silence, I finally asked what had been on my mind for a while. “So what’s the deal with you and Claire? She really just a friend or what?” I tried to keep my tone nonchalant, since I wasn’t supposed to care.

  “Claire?” he laughed. “Claire would claw my eyes out if I ever tried anything with her. Which I’d never do because it would be like hooking up with a sister.” He shuddered, and I laughed, relieved.

  “You ever going to tell me what your uncle was talking about? You getting into trouble?”

  His face darkened. “I wasn’t ever into trouble. Not really. Just around the wrong people sometimes. My dad died when I was ten—his name is Andrew by the way and why I don’t use that name. Still hurts. Things were rough for a while but we were okay, you know? Well, about five years later, my mom moved her boyfriend in with us. I couldn’t stay home much. He was a mean asshole and had a drug problem. He got my mom hooked.” He looked down at the ground and ran his hand through his hair. He visibly shook it off and blew out a breath. “So, yeah, I spent time with friends, drinking and partying. I never got into the hard shit.

  “I worked for people under the table so I could afford the bills to keep a roof over our heads and ended up having to drop out of school. There wasn’t a lot I could do, though, you know? Uncle Pete knew I wasn’t working legally and didn’t like the crowd I was running with. Then the final straw, and the reason he thinks I’m a hopeless fuck-up, was when he had to bail me out of jail. I got busted for drugs.”

  He seemed to be waiting for me to say something, but I wasn’t judging him. “What else?”

  Drew sighed. “I know people say ‘they weren’t mine’ all the time, but they really weren’t. I was at a party with Claire and her new boyfriend. He seemed cool, but someone made a noise complaint. We were upstairs when the cops showed up. I didn’t even notice he’d slipped a baggie with some pills in my pocket. The fucker had already been in trouble with them in the past. We knew about that, but he supposedly had gotten better. Anyway, when they searched me after finding other drugs on the table downstairs, they found them.

  “After Pete bailed me out, I pled guilty and took a plea bargain of two years’ probation. No drinking, associating with other felons, random UA tests, and monthly fees. Not to mention the amount Pete had to fork over to get me out of there in the first place. I’d like to pay him back for that one day. My probation ended almost three months ago, but it’s not really over, you know? Like, when I try to get a job, it shows up. I’m not a felon. It shows the arrest and deferred, but I still never get the call back.

  “Anyway, I’m rambling. After bailing me out, Pete didn’t believe me. He thought I’d gotten more mixed up with that stuff than I was saying.” He shrugged, and the nonchalant reaction pissed me off. This was the first time I was actually angry at Pete.

  “I’m sorry. That’s a raw deal. I wish I could beat that guy’s ass for you.” Words that weren’t enough, didn’t set things right. “You know I believe you, right?”

  He smiled a little, and I did my best to return it.

  “Is there any possibility of getting your record sealed? I know a guy who was able to do that, but I don’t remember what it was for.”

  He nodded. “Yeah, I just don’t have the money to start the process. I will one day. I don’t need this shit haunting me for the rest of my life.”

  “I can help—” I started, but he waved me off.

  “Thanks, but I can’t ask you to do that.”

  “You didn’t,” I said and tossed him a wink. It was cute when he blushed, so I took a second to enjoy his pink-tinged skin. It had been nice just sitting there and talking to him despite the heavy topics.

  Being open and honest with each other was freeing. He’d been uncomfortable being called out in the beginning, and maybe it wasn’t the best way to start the conversation, but I was glad it was out there. He could do with it what he wanted. I wouldn’t bring it up again. Couldn’t say I wouldn’t think about it though. The fact that we had an honest conversation
about real things other people gave us both shit for was refreshing.

  The day was catching up with me and I yawned.

  “I gotta crash. Tomorrow’s a long day. See you in the morning.” I stood to leave, but his hand caught my arm.

  “Hey, Asher?” He sounded hesitant and cleared his throat. “Why did you ask me to stay?” He was staring at the ground, and it took me a minute to realize what he was talking about. When I didn’t answer, he looked up at me, pale blue eyes wide.

  My smile was slow, and my body heated when his eyes went half-mast. “Because I wanted you to. Night, Drew.”

  Let him think about that tonight. I smiled to myself. Somewhere over the last several weeks I’d let the lines blur between us, and they were fuzzier than ever.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  DREW

  The sliding door closed behind him but his woodsy scent lingered, along with the distinct smell of an impending storm. After I finished my beer, I went inside and tossed the bottle in the trash and turned off the lights, only leaving one inset light on in the kitchen. Before taking a shower, I headed for my room to grab a pair of sweats to change into.

  A hot shower later, I towel-dried my hair and tossed the wet material into the hamper Asher had bought for me. I didn’t let myself think about what he’d said out on the balcony until I was in bed and couldn’t avoid it any longer. The flood gates opened as soon as my head hit the pillow.

  What he’d said kept my mind reeling. He’d wanted me to watch. He couldn’t have made that any clearer, but my thoughts only became muddier. I couldn’t believe I was even considering what those words meant. Things between us were changing, and if I was honest with myself, I wanted them to and that scared me.

  Nothing could’ve prepared me for these new and unexpected feelings.

  After lying in bed for over an hour, tossing and turning, the storm swept in as the forecast had predicted.

  The crackle of lightning followed by the rumbling echo of thunder backdropped the racing thoughts I hadn’t been able to shut off since talking to Asher. I usually slept like a baby during rain and storms. Tonight I didn’t feel soothed. Instead, when I closed my eyes, trying to find sleep, erotic images assaulted me. The images of Asher and I doing things I never thought I’d want played over and over behind my closed lids, making me squirm. I fought my body’s reaction as if I could will away the feelings.

  I swore and flopped to my back again, tossing an arm over my eyes. While I’d watched plenty of porn since discovering it—and once up close with a couple going at it at a party—I’d never been so much as tempted to look at the guys, had never been remotely aroused by them. The women held my focus and lust, both in porn and real life.

  There was no way I was gay. I was attracted to women, not men. Always had been, and I’d been with enough women to know what I liked, and I liked curves. The way they smelled. The way they felt. So my attraction to Asher made no sense.

  What was going on? Every time I was around Asher, my thoughts became muddled, and the possibilities of a sexual relationship with him drifted into my mind. The way my body responded to his troubled my mind continuously. The attraction I had to him was confusing, but undeniable. Did that make me bisexual? My chest tightened as I considered what that meant. What did it mean?

  A groan of frustration escaped me, and I pressed my fingers against my temples, rubbing circles to relieve the beginning of a headache. How would I look him in the eye tomorrow morning? He’d seen what he was doing to me. It’d been impossible to hide.

  The storm outside strengthened. Rain slapped against the windowpane, wind whistled past the building, and brief flashes of light glowed against the curtain, followed by loud cracks as the thunder seemed to make the room vibrate with its fury. The tempest outside mirrored the anguish in my mind.

  I blew out a breath. I wasn’t going to get any sleep. My body was wound tight, and I couldn’t calm enough to relax into any peaceful rest. Instead, I was stuck with a semi that wouldn’t quit.

  Enough was enough. I flipped the covers back and crawled out of the bed. Knowing Asher had already gone to his room, I didn’t bother to dress. Wearing only my black boxer briefs, I stepped into the hall as quietly as I could. I paused by Asher’s door to listen for any sounds. Hearing nothing, I padded down the soft carpeted hall toward the dimly lit living room and the wall of windows that afforded the best view of the city.

  Lightning flashed a brilliant white, momentarily making the city glow as if it were daytime. A loud crack followed seconds behind as I stared out into the chaos, glad to have something else to focus on.

  Standing in front of those windows, the storm was loud enough to help drown out my thoughts. The light show so absorbed my attention that, when a lull in the lightning left only darkness, Asher’s reflection standing several feet behind me startled me.

  “Couldn’t sleep either? Or did I wake you?” My voice shook as I focused on his image mirrored on the dark window. I’d rather have had more time before having to face him.

  “I was having trouble sleeping before the storm hit.” His gravelly voice sent a jolt down my spine and caused the hairs on my arms to stand on end.

  I glanced over my shoulder at him. Bare-chested and in loose pajama pants, he studied me with narrowed eyes. Against my will, my gaze roamed the strong planes of his wide chest, over his ink, his flat dark brown nipples, and down to the chiseled stomach. My eyes helplessly traced the slim strip of black hair from his navel to where it disappeared beneath the elastic top of his pants.

  The defined V of his pelvis dared me to look lower. In the back of my mind, awareness of what I was doing screamed for me to stop. That I shouldn’t be exploring Asher’s body this way. Movement drew my eyes toward his crotch where a steady tenting grew larger the longer I stared. He made no move to hide it.

  My head spun with confusion and lust, and I ripped my gaze away. Risking a glance at Asher’s face, I expected a cocky smirk. I sucked in a harsh breath when his face held nothing but dark tension. He’d stood there and let me look my fill without a word. With that realization, my cheeks heated, from embarrassment…and arousal. My own hardness stretched my boxers and, without considering the ramifications, I reached down and wrapped my hand around the engorged flesh. A deep groan escaped through Asher’s slightly parted lips.

  He took a step toward me but froze. Our eyes locked. The sound of thunder and the rain pelting the window panes drowned out my ragged breathing.

  Asher’s dark brows furrowed and he shook his head. “I’ll see you in the morning,” he rasped, turning to leave, and before I could stop myself, I called out to him.

  “Yeah?” he answered, voice strained.

  “I… Will you…” A shuddering breath left me and I lowered my gaze to the carpeted floor. God, this was hard. I was going to die from humiliation if he said no.

  He turned to face me, brow furrowed. “Will I what?”

  “Just do it,” I murmured to myself.

  I moved toward him, each step an eternity. When I stood in front of him, I gave him time to step away. When he didn’t, I closed my eyes, afraid of what I’d see in his. Or what he’d see in mine. I pressed my palms against his chest and pushed up on my toes, closing the distance between our mouths. The kiss was chaste, only a brushing of our lips, but now I knew. Because I wanted more. It hadn’t been enough.

  When I finally opened my eyes, he stared intently at me. When I didn’t back away, he allowed his hands to graze my sides before gripping my hips. With a different storm brewing in his hooded eyes, he stalked forward. For every step forward, I took one back until my back pressed against the chilled glass. The cool weather the storm brought was no match for the fire licking my skin everywhere Asher touched. He wasted no time grabbing me by the hair and tipping my head back. My eyes slammed shut the moment his mouth crashed into mine, hard and fast. His tongue licked the seam of my lips until I opened to him on a moan. He took immediate advantage, slipping his tongue inside to stroke ag
ainst mine. The groan that escaped me seemed to spur him on, and he pressed his body flush against mine. Once, twice, he thrust against me. My body helplessly responded by grinding back.

  A single crack of thunder, the loudest by far, and the lights went out. Expectation seemed heavy in the air, and all I could think about was his erection rubbing against mine. It was too much, too fast. My palms pressed against his chest, trying to create distance, and my lips broke free of his.

  When I dared to open my eyes, his were heavy with lust, but he let me go. I wasn’t sure whether I should fight this or just let it happen, because I sure as fuck wanted it. I just wasn’t sure what it was. What would he have done if I hadn’t stopped? The idea of fucking him or him being inside me was so foreign.

  An odd sense of disappointment went through me when he broke our stare.

  He walked away, without turning or looking back.

  Heading back to my room, my wobbly legs threatened to buckle at any moment. It was just a kiss. But it wasn’t. It was scorching hot lust that made me want to march back across the hall and ask him to show me what I was missing.

  The nervousness won out. I was on my own and still hard, so hard it was painful and needed relief.

  Lying on my bed, I shoved my boxers down and wrapped my hand around my pulsing shaft. There was no build up; the ache Asher had left me with was too much. Pumping myself through my closed fist, I pictured Asher, mouth open as he sucked on the head. I came, eyes squeezed closed, with the taste of our kiss still on my tongue and his name on my lips.

  I was so screwed.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  ASHER

  I’d had my ass handed to me all morning, and my afternoon training hadn’t fared better, but fuck if I could concentrate. Drew kissing me was the last thing I’d expected. The moment his soft lips met mine, all logic fled, and the pent-up desire I had for him exploded to the surface. Lost in the feeling of his body, my need for him overrode my common sense. When he pulled away from me, eyes wide and frame shaking, I realized I’d taken things too far.