“It’s just a party, Liam. You will know every single person there. You do not need me—not in the slightest. Those guys are your family. I am still like a hanger-on, an awkward guest at the dinner table.”
“I can’t believe that you are doing this to me now, Didier. You knew about this party for weeks. We should have left fifteen minutes ago and now you are pulling the rug from under my feet and expecting me to smile and enjoy the party on my own. Well, no! It is not that simple. People in relationships do these types of things for one another.”
Didier’s eyes widened and he took a step back, looking uncomfortable in the incandescent light of the hallway.
Liam realized that he had said too much. Neither of them had placed a definitive label or elaborated on their personal expectations of their time together. Liam felt raw and exposed and alone in the strange silence that ensued. Turning and walking toward the bedroom, Liam took three successive gulps of his beer. The Chimay tasted cold and bitter in his mouth.
“Liam, don’t walk away … It really is just a party. And I will be here waiting for you when you get back.”
“It just might be that I need more than that, Didier.”
“More than someone who wants to be with you? More than someone who will be here when you come home late at night? Is there anything more than that?”
“I saw the way your whole body contorted at the word relationship. I may be a little younger than you are, but I am no dilettante. I am not a novice at these games. And I know what I need, Didier.”
“Liam, it has been a ridiculous and tumultuous year for me. My marriage has fallen apart; I switched running teams; I upended my entire life; and I know that I want you. Isn’t that enough?”
“I don’t know. I want it to be, but I know myself too well. I deserve something more here. Oddly, Didier, I think you deserve more too. When it is right, it is right. I may be a hopeless romantic or just hopeless, but I happen to believe all that.”
“You are just tired and worked up over this party and what people will think, Liam. Who gives a fuck about what other people think, Liam?”
“I know. I know … But this is not about what other people think at all, unfortunately. It is about what I think. Good-bye, Didier.”
Someone had left the door to the apartment building ajar, and Liam walked through the main hall without ringing the buzzer. The party had started over an hour and a half ago, so he knew he would not be surprising anyone. A little wreath of red berries decorated the flaking paint on Gary’s apartment door. Liam waited outside for a minute, certain he was not at all up for the jolliness of the occasion. He had just begun to turn to leave when Gary opened the door and saw him standing there. With a hearty laugh, Gary threw his arms around Liam and dragged him inside the apartment.
“This one was trying to leave before he even arrived! I know this is no longer Central Park chic, but I still know how to throw a party!”
Gary immediately handed Liam a beer. In his nervousness, Liam swallowed the beer in two greedy swigs. Fast Trackers—mostly the young, cute, fast ones whom Gary notoriously adored—had congregated in trios and quartets across the 400-square-foot apartment. People sat on the futon bed, leaned up against the trash can in the kitchen, and perched on the little ledges of Gary’s nightstand and bookcase. True, the place was jam-packed, but the crowded studio had proven itself a more graceful and festive party space than the cold, labyrinthine splendor of his old Fifth Avenue digs. Liam gave Gary a big kiss and then noticed Monroe dishing eggnog into a big serving bowl in the teeny kitchen.
Liam had not spoken to Monroe in a couple of weeks due to the crazy double issue that he had been tackling at the magazine—twice as much content as usual and three different editors taking vacations because of the holiday season. As Liam went over to lend Monroe a hand, his best friend shook his head testily and sashayed with the big glass bowl above his head across the studio to where Gary stood.
The two men danced around each other like awkward teenagers. This party clearly did serve as the stage for their coming-out publicly as a couple. Liam looked on and hoped that their romance would last. They had both so clearly earned this small chance at true happiness.
“Let’s toast!” Gary said, grabbing some mugs of eggnog from Monroe and whisking Mitch and Zane and Liam off into a far corner for a group moment. The intensity of Gary’s happiness startled Liam.
“To what?” asked Liam. “To almost winning, to almost finding love, to almost figuring out how to make life work?”
Liam did not know why he had blurted out anything. That was not the plan; he had promised himself on the walk over to the party that he would not get emotional. He tried to leave all his conflicted feelings about Didier on the cold December streets of New York City. Liam did not want to spoil Gary’s big holiday party, but his emotions kept seesawing up and down. He hated that so little in life ever seemed to turn out right. The smashing defeat to the Urban Bobcats at the marathon. Tonight’s fight with Didier in the wake of his spur-of-the-moment decision to skip the party, in what Liam had innately sensed was Didier’s decision not to get into anything too deep too quickly. And if Liam really examined the situation in Didier’s life—all the change that had gone on in the last few months alone—he could not really blame him. Didier deserved the free time to sow his wild oats and live an exuberant gay life in New York before settling down to the responsibilities of a boyfriend. But in a moment of agonizing self-flagellation, Liam could not help but wonder why it was that people so seldom got what they wanted.
“Toast to what? To the future? To something different down the line? To the possibility of greatness? To happiness?” Liam had started to well up, and people were looking at him stealthily, with a sad combination of judgment and pity.
“No, silly,” said Gary. “I don’t toast to what might be; I toast to what is. I want to toast to us. To this party. To surviving. You guys are my life, kid. We are what each of us will always have. And let me tell you that is worth more than you know. That is worth this whole fucking mug of eggnog—and all the booze in my liquor cabinet!”
They drank and talked and lit the Charlie Brown Christmas tree that rested on Gary’s radiator. Someone had turned on the Yule Log and bars of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” wrapped their way through the room.
Noticing some wet snow floating through the black, bare trees in Gary’s makeshift backyard, Liam slipped outside into the garden. He stood on the little square slab of cement that acted as a patio and quietly watched the first sign of the new season. The snow was weak but growing, struggling to become a truer version of itself, and Liam was so happy to bear witness. This was why he knew he would always live in New York. Seeing things change had become a part of his identity. He walked out across the dead garden grass and felt the newborn snowflakes turn to water on his skin. Liam lifted his head to the sky and spun in circles as a galaxy of white filled the night air. Gary shouted something indiscernible from inside, and Liam looked back in to see Monroe grabbing Gary and positioning him under a little sprig of mistletoe amid the crowded party. The night had begun to unfold, and people grasped desperately at whatever possibilities and prospects were within their reach. Liam wanted to watch the scene in quiet from the courtyard for a just a little while longer—to savor the moment. As he stuck out his tongue to taste the falling snow, a crop of Fast Trackers appeared at the window, pressing their noses intently against the glass and hollering at him to come back in and join the party.
A READING GROUP GUIDE
THE MILES
Robert Lennon
ABOUT THIS GUIDE
The suggested questions are included
to enhance your group’s reading
of Robert Lennon’s The Miles.
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
1. Liam admits to himself that he had felt lost prior to joining Fast Trackers and hopes the club will give him a sense of purpose. How is that sense of purpose defined—fitness, competitive focus, love, o
r something less tangible? Does joining the club get him there, and, if so, how? Do you get the sense, by the end of the book, that Liam has found what he is searching for?
2. Throughout The Miles, Liam intimates at what running has done for him and how it has changed the shape of his life. In what ways is running a metaphor for the journeys and the purpose that one seeks in life, and where does that journey lead Liam and the running club in this novel?
3. Monroe and Liam have a best friends’ relationship that seems, at times, to border on flirtation and romantic love. As a result, Monroe has a natural jealousy over Liam’s relationship to Fast Trackers. What does this jealousy say about their relationship, about the nature of gay male friendship, and about human nature, more generally?
4. When Liam brings Monroe into his family life, there appears to be a huge disconnect between what his family offers and what Liam feels in return. What tension is at play between Liam and his family, and what do religion, suburbia, and his upbringing symbolize to Liam? What does New York City represent to Liam, and what has city life offered him that is in contrast to all that came before?
5. What does the finish line represent in The Miles? Discuss the various people whom Liam clashes into at the literal finish lines that thread their way through this novel and what each of those instances represents. There is also the ending of the book, which is entitled “The Finish Line”—how has Liam changed from the first finish line in the book to this last one? In both the start and end of the book, Liam is on the outside looking in at the club. Discuss what has changed in terms of Liam as a character, the club as an entity, and the other main characters in the book.
6. The members at the “inner circle” of the club seem to belittle Gene and talk a lot behind his back. Liam reflects in the book that circles of friends need to have one of their members on the periphery as an outsider to poke fun at. Do you think this is, in fact, true? And if so, is it unique to gay male culture or a truth in any social grouping? Can making fun of friends help groups bond and bring people together and, if so, in what ways?
7. From the outset of the novel, Didier personifies the un-gettable object that Liam can’t stop thinking about or pursuing. Why is it so important to Liam to chase someone who appears so unattainable? Does Liam ever, in fact, “get” Didier? What do you think transpired in their relationship, and do you think it changed Liam? If so, how?
8. Much of The Miles is concerned with effecting change in one’s life and moving things forward—running miles, racing faster, finding love, becoming a stronger person. On a literal basis, Riser embodies that transformation most completely. Do you think that his story line is a cautionary tale of these impulses taken to an extreme, or does he represent something different? Do you think that the members of Fast Trackers did all that good friends could do to help him?
9. Monroe and Gary both function, at different times and in different ways throughout the novel, as father figures to Liam. What does Liam get out of these relationships and what do Monroe and Gary get out of their respective friendships with Liam? How do the relationships differ from one another, and is it significant that these two men end up together? If so, why?
10. Fast-forward a year in time. Which of the relationships in the book do you think will be stronger, and which do you think may end? Focus specifically on Gary and Monroe; Monroe and Liam; and the “Four Musketeers” of Liam, Gary, Zane, and Mitch.
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Copyright © 2012 by Robert Lennon
“I Sing the Body Electric” (from Golden Rainbow)
Music and lyrics by Walter Marks
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ISBN: 978-0-7582-7994-1
The Miles Page 26
