Tweety & the Monkey Man

by J. D. Blackrose

  The wolves didn’t stop. Now that Alupo’s head was where they could reach it, they ran in and out, tearing chunks out of his face, where the skin was delicate. Blood spattered everywhere, and the increasingly animalistic primatologist could do no more than roll back and forth, thrashing his arms and legs. He rolled over onto his stomach, almost flattening a few wolves, and reached for the alpha, who stood his ground. I had to stop this now.

  Knowing one thing that would work, I ducked and weaved between Alupo’s flailing legs until I was in position, then I took my bat to his king and his kongs. A geyser of blood shot up in the air, and the gorilla’s screams echoed through the park, setting the zoo animals on edge.

  The dingoes barked, the elephants trumpeted, and the lions roared. The wolves howled the news of the battle to the rest, letting the inhabitants know that they’d defended the zoo pack. The were-gorilla’s screams became whimpers and then silence as he collapsed to the ground.

  I didn’t celebrate. The wolves thought the deed was done, but I knew better. There was only one way to be sure this were-animal never killed again, and I was sick to my stomach at the thought of it.

  Like a vampire, I needed to cut off his head or remove his heart, and no amount of rationalization would hide the fact that I was killing a person.

  Chapter Eleven

  I waited, watching the still form of the were-gorilla, baseball bat at the ready in case he twitched.

  Barlow and Morgan came to my side with quiet steps, staring at the gigantic figure on the ground, an animal that never should have been, and I knew there was at least one more in Rwanda. I wasn’t sure who to call about that, so I figured I wouldn’t call at all. Whoever is there, if anyone, is surely aware of such a thing in their territory, and maybe that were-gorilla possessed more control.

  “Is he dead?” Barlow asked.

  “I think so, given the amount of blood he lost,” I said, gesturing to the lake of blood and rain where the were-gorilla rested and beyond. It looked as if it was draining right into the “Bear” parking lot.

  Morgan squatted and touched the were-gorilla’s hand and wrist. “No pulse. Why isn’t he turning back?”

  I shook my head in a slow back and forth. “I honestly don’t know, ah…here he goes. He’d been in that shape a long time, and it took longer to wear off.”

  “Were off?” Barlow offered the pun with a grin. I lifted the corner of my mouth. It wasn’t a good enough pun for a whole smile.

  “Oh,” Barlow said, clearing his throat. “I’m supposed to tell you the tranquilizers are here.”

  I gave him a hard look and stayed silent.

  The change was a slow process, and if Alupo been alive while it happened, it would have been excruciating. The feet shrunk to human size, and the change worked up toward his head. I gritted my teeth at the snap, crackle, pop of bones breaking and tendons tearing. The head shrunk, as did the tongue, but the incisors stayed, poking over Alupo’s mouth and chin like a walrus’s tusks. The gorilla’s fur stayed as well, covering his whole body except for the hands, feet, and face. I swallowed hard at the sight and noticed Barlow and Morgan looking away.

  The combination of ape and man was horrifying, but it gave me a sense of relief. This man’s humanity was gone. He’d been taken by the animal and couldn’t have been saved. It made my job easier.

  “Hey, look, the rain’s letting up,” said Barlow, wringing out his shirttails and his hair. Looking at his shirttails dragging reminded me of something. But first, I took a moment to take stock of my injuries. I had an alarming popping thing in my right wrist, a healing phoenix bite on my ankle, and I was bruised from head to toe. Oh, and the gash across my forehead, which would probably leave a scar.

  “Oooops, I better check on someone. Watch the body, and if anything happens, an eye blink, a muscle spasm, take my bat and smash his head in, okay?”

  Morgan furrowed his eyebrows. “Do you expect him to? I thought you said he’s dead.”

  “He is. I’m just being cautious. Super freaks can do odd things.”

  Morgan nodded. “If he moves, I’ll shoot him.”

  “Multiple times.” He grimaced but nodded again.

  The fatigue was catching up with me, but there was someone I wanted to see, so I retraced my steps, walked around what was left of the gorilla habitat, and made my way to the location where I’d last seen him. I bit my bottom lip and crossed my fingers.

  His eyes were sad, and his tail feathers drooped. The lorikeets still tittered around him, but he’d stopped caring. His colors were just as beautiful, and his armor just as impressive, but he was aware of where he was and how he’d gotten there.

  I grabbed a stick before I approached the door. The sight of the stick made him hang his head lower, and he peeked up at me from beneath his eyelashes.

  “We’re good, right?” I said.

  Images floated in my head, flashes that expressed shame and sadness. I saw him fight the change to the Hyde version of himself and his attempt to force a burning to avoid it. I saw him eating fresh meat and his revulsion at the manic pleasure he took from the violent kill. I saw him chasing me and his true-self’s relief that he was locked in the lorikeet cage.

  I entered the correct door to get in, walked the path to where he stood, and by holding my hand out, asked if it was okay to pet him. He moved in closer, and I stroked his neck.

  “It’s not your fault. The natural order got screwed up and rebounded to you. If it hadn’t, it would have infected dozens, maybe hundreds of other animals. You were the pain eater for the entire animal kingdom.”

  Remorse. Regret.

  “Let’s get out of here, and we’ll start over again. I’m honored to meet an actual phoenix.”

  Pride. Self-satisfaction. He turned his head so I could admire his profile.

  “Don’t be so smug.” He tweeted something that sounded like a laugh. I hit the electronic button to open the door, and the phoenix studied my motions. He wasn’t going to be trapped by that trick again.

  We got outside, and I tapped my foot, anxious to get back to the body. “I hope to see you again,” I said to the phoenix. He gave me a hard look, and I flinched, my ankle still hurting from where’d he bitten it. “I’m sorry about bashing your head in. It wasn’t personal.”

  The phoenix rolled his eyes. You haven’t seen strange until you’ve seen a phoenix roll his eyes. They’re grapefruit size with pupils the size of quarters, and they move like a chameleon’s eyes, in almost total circles, so a phoenix eye roll puts any human teenager’s to shame. The phoenix leaned his neck and head forward and, in the most calm, gentle manner, pressed his cheek to mine. I thought I felt a tingle in that cheek, but it happened so fast, I didn’t have time to ask about it, because as soon as he did that, he disappeared. Poof.

  “Nice knowing ya,” I said, and then walked back up the hill, again, and shuffled my tired, aching body to the gorilla enclosure, picked my way through the broken concrete, wood, and glass, and found what I needed. I made my way out of the shambles and jumped when shots reverberated through the air.

  I took off like a bat out of hell and ran as fast as I could to Morgan and Barlow. When I got there, I pressed my hand to my mouth. I was too late.

  Chapter Twelve

  Morgan lay on the ground ten feet away from Barlow, who knelt while what was left of Alupo tried to pull his head off like a cork out of a wine bottle. Barlow held his hands over Alupo’s, which were on each side of Barlow’s head, and pulled back, screaming in pain.

  Alupo’s body looked like a piece of swiss cheese. I could literally see through the holes in his torso and legs to the other side. Whatever caused him to regenerate didn’t care about bullets, and he didn’t seem to bleed anymore. Zombie were-gorilla.

  Morgan was bleeding though, and from my angle, it appeared to be from his head, which meant he needed medical help fast, but first I had to save Barlow. I ran straight at the zombie were-gorilla, my anger giving me new energy.

  �
�Stop!” I yelled. Alupo, or whatever this zombie version was, released Barlow’s head to twist his body in my direction, but I had a head of steam and wasn’t going to pussyfoot around. I lifted the steel-headed shovel I’d retrieved from the gorilla enclosure and, coming in on my left, clobbered the reanimated monstrosity with one-hundred percent good old American craftsmanship.

  I also had a good bat speed, averaging seventy-miles-per hour in my prime, and I knew how to create torque.

  This meant that the zombie were-gorilla’s head popped clean off. It flew in the air like a fly ball heading for right field.

  What was left of the body collapsed to the ground in a heap. Not one to take any more chances, I brought the square-headed cutting edge of the shovel to the body’s mid-section, put my left food on the top of the blade, and pressed down like I was digging into clay.

  Two more stomps later and the body was in three parts, spliced by a shit scooper-picker-upper shovel. It felt good, but the standing ovation by the cops and fire fighters, who’d come at the sound of gunfire, made me feel even better. I took a small bow.

  “Hey, Jess?”

  I turned to Barlow. “Yes?”

  “Thanks. I thought I was going to be severed in two, Marie-Antoinette style.”

  I gestured to Morgan, who was already being tended to by paramedics. “What happened to him?”

  Barlow massaged his neck and rolled his shoulders. “We watched the body, like you said, but neither of us believed he’d come back, so we let our guard down. We both thought this nightmare was finished, but we were wrong.” He held onto the wall of the Learning Cabin and pulled himself up inch-by-inch to a standing position.

  “I’m going to need a chiropractor,” he commented, and then continued. “I pulled out my phone to text my wife that I was okay. Next thing I know, Morgan’s in a shooting stance putting bullets into a standing and moving were-gorilla, man…whatever it was.”

  “I think we can call it a zombie now. It was a reanimated dead body. That’s pretty classic zombie stuff, right there.”

  “Yeah, well, Morgan must have seen him get up and managed to get to his gun in time, but even with bullets in and through him, the zombie got to the captain and pushed him to the ground with one arm. Morgan banged his head hard and didn’t get up. I was too shocked to do much but run.”

  “Wise. Very wise. I recommend running in situations like that,” I said.

  He scowled and shook his head. “I should have been smarter, faster, and helped him. As it was, all I was good for was getting caught and almost decapitated.”

  I gave him a bump on the shoulder. “Listen to me. Do I have your attention?”

  He looked directly into my eyes. “Yes.”

  “You have no experience with this stuff. Today you encountered things beyond your imagination, and no one trains for this kind of thing. Except me. I train for exactly these types of things, and I couldn’t have beaten him without the wolves. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You did quite well for a first supernatural monster situation. I gave the same speech to Captain Morgan, by the way.”

  “Thanks for sharing that, but I’m not convinced. I need to better prepare now that I know what is out there.”

  “Can’t argue with preparation, but don’t let it eat at you.”

  We heard them before seeing them. One gorilla’s hooting was matched by another’s as they came up the ridge to where the remains lay. The larger, silverback gorilla spied the pieces and charged, barking and grunting a challenge before realizing that it was a dead body trifecta. He sniffed the parts, making sure the were-gorilla was truly dead.

  “Rocko may be different now, Barlow,” I said, studying the gorilla back in his natural form. “You won’t be able to treat him as you would other gorillas. He’s different now, and I don’t know whether that is a good thing or a bad one.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Before I could answer, Rocko sniffed Alupo, got a good nose full and then, nose to the ground like coondog, headed out toward the edge of the green. He sniffed around out there for a while until he found what he wanted. He returned with the zombie’s head in his hands, made sure everyone was watching, placed the head on the ground, and with one powerful stomp and a roar that echoed over the whole zoo, mashed it into paste. I lowered my head as the dominant gorilla regarded Barlow, Morgan, and me.

  Eyes averted, I said, “That’s why. That was retribution, revenge, a human trait. Rocko made a decision, don’t you see? That wasn’t instinct. That was vengeance.”

  “Look at Lulu,” I continued. The female gorilla hid behind Rocko giving me the stink-eye. “She couldn’t care less about Alupo anymore because it is in the past for her, but Rocko remembers and understands. He wanted us to watch, to show us that he’s not going to forget or forgive. He made a statement.”

  “I don’t know how to handle this,” Barlow said.

  “Think about it. You get to study the first gorilla that ever became human. The fame, the fortune, the publishing opportunities! You’ve got a gold mine here. You’ll start a new field of research.”

  Instead of agreeing, Barlow shook his head and winced at the pain. “No, I won’t do that to him. He’s a person to me now, stuck in between gorilla and man. I want to earn his trust and be his friend.”

  Rocko heard Barlow and chuffed at him, as if saying, “Maybe, if you stop giving me bananas.”

  Out of nowhere, another guest arrived at the party.

  “Thank you for help us with this, ahem, unusual, situation,” said Elisabeth, already tapping notes on her phone. “We at the zoo, and our funders, the Friends of the Zoo, thank you for your assistance.” She stared in my eyes. “I know we can rely on your discretion, as well, correct?”

  “Sure. I won’t tell anyone what really happened here, but you have to do a few things for me.”

  “Yes,” said Barlow. “We’ll see,” said Elisabeth.

  Barlow threw her a disgusted look and said, “Name it.”

  “I want free, lifetime membership to the zoo for my family and my friend Angie and her family.”

  “Done,” said Elisabeth. “That’s an easy one. Just email me Angie’s contact information.” She noted my request in her phone.

  “Barlow.”

  “Yes?”

  “Rocko and Lulu are an item. Please put them together so they can keep each other company.”

  Barlow cocked his head. “That seems fair. Maybe we’ll get a baby gorilla out of it.”

  Elisabeth poked her head up. “A baby gorilla? That would be a great news hook. We could hold a contest to name it. Wonderful, wonderful.” She continued murmuring to herself about all the fabulous publicity ideas.

  Barlow and I exchanged glances. I pinched the bridge of my nose and let out a breath.

  “Also, stop giving him bananas. He hates them.”

  “Oooooookay…? I had no idea.”

  “If you watched his feeding habits more closely, you would have seen it. He pushed all of the bananas to the side, but he seems to enjoy apples and grapes.”

  “I never knew. The zoo employees make the food baskets. I will pay more attention from now on.”

  “Good. And last, when you rebuild this exhibit, add more trees and high climbing spaces. Mountain gorillas live on mountains, lest you forget. They need high spaces and opportunities for solitude.”

  “Anything else?”

  “Yes, I want to visit him privately from time-to-time.”

  “Call me first and it’ll happen,” Barlow promised.

  “Lastly, the wolves will receive regular treats from me, cheese, bones, jerky, whatever floats their boat. I’ll set this up later with you, but they get them until the alpha dies, or I do, whichever comes first.”

  “That’s very nice of you. We’ll set up a plaque in your honor.”

  I waved that away. “Not needed. They earned it, and they were so cute when they lined up for cheese. They reminded me of kindergartners lining up for…”

  I sma
cked my hand on my thigh. “Dammit!”

  Chapter Thirteen

  I checked my watch. Oh no. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I was so screwed. Forgetting about the wreckage behind me, I humped it down the trail, skimming the wooden walkway, and dashed to my car.

  Something felt off. Right. I’d lost a boot. I loved the boots, but too late now. I grabbed a flip-flop from the back of the mini-van, revved the engine, and flew down 480, praying a cop didn’t stop me.

  I rounded my exit and squealed to a stop at the grocery store, vaulting out of the car to rush into the entrance. My hair stood on end on the left and was squashed flat on the right. My clothes were covered in mud, manure, cantaloupe, nectar, and blood, and the unholy mess dried into a dust that migrated from my torso and legs to the floor, in a sifting, floating Pig-Pen like cloud. My boot tracked in an astounding amount of smelly, reeking brown muck, my flip-flop a jarring pink accent. Focused on my task as I was, I didn’t notice all of this until later and missed the employee picking up the phone to call the police.

  Skidding to a stop in the correct aisle, I locked onto my target and filled my arms, clomp-sliding toward the self-checkout.

  Two newly arrived cops stopped me before I could reach the checkout aisle.

  “Ma’am, you are creating a disturbance, not to mention a health hazard, and I’ve been asked to…” said one.

  He got no further. I shook my head and snarled, sending a cloud of wet gorilla stink toward the unsuspecting officer. His eyes went wide, and he jumped back.

  “You, by any chance, weren’t involved in that ruckus at the zoo, were you?” the second cop asked, talking softly to me, like I might blow at any second.

  I stared them down and answered with a simple, “Yes. That was me.”

  The officers stood aside, gestured to the door, and the first one said, “Please be on your way. I’ll pay for your groceries.”