by L A Cotton
“I remember,” I whispered, too choked up to say anything else.
“Do you see it?” Blake extended his free arm and pointed up at a cluster of stars. All I could see was random patterns, and I strained to see what he saw.
“Lucky Penny. One of the brightest constellations there is.”
“Blake…” The next words lodged in my throat. What was I supposed to say here? I didn’t do this—I didn’t bare myself to people. Let alone to the one person who had known me so well once upon a time.
“Don’t, Penny. Not tonight, just enjoy this. Just this.” His thumb rubbed circles along my hand.
Finding comfort in his words—no matter how cryptic—I allowed myself to let go. At that moment, I wasn’t broken Penny trying to find the right words to say to the guy who had once been my world. I was just a girl lying next to a boy watching the stars.
Blake sighed quietly as if he was about to say something more, but when his body relaxed again, I knew the moment had passed. Maybe some things were just too hard to say—better left unsaid. Life had taught me never to take for granted the good moments because they always ended. And no sooner than we had lay down in the grass, Blake let go of my hand and rose to his feet.
“We should probably get back.”
“Okay,” I said unable to meet his eyes.
The buzz I had felt earlier following Blake into the night ebbed away and was replaced with something much more unsettling. Was this his way of saying goodbye? We still had a little over a week left; there was still time, and we were both returning to Columbus. It was goodbye but not forever. I hoped.
The short walk back to cabin row was awkward, and I fell into old habits, hugging myself tight. Blake seemed just as tense, his hands jammed in his cargo pockets and his hood still pulled up over his head. The path started to widen like the pit gnawing in my stomach. The lost me wanted to flee back to the cabin, close the door, and hide away from the emotional turmoil warring in me, but the stronger me—the me I had become thanks to Camp Chance—didn’t want to leave things like this.
“Blake…” I paused and turned to face him. “I don’t want to-”
Blake closed the distance between us and stood almost toe to toe with me. His eyes locked on mine and he stared down at me; full of unspoken promise, his gaze sent my heart into overdrive. “I shouldn’t have waited so long to do this.” His hand brushed along my jaw and into my hair drawing me close to him. He leaned down and covered my mouth with his own.
And I let him.
My body didn’t just fall against him; it melted. His touch. The feel of his lips moving against mine. How did I ever let myself forget this? Force myself to forget? His smell. The way he tasted as his tongue licked the seams of my lips before parting my mouth.
Since my first kiss, at the age of fourteen, I had kissed only three other guys: Bryan, Michael, and Cal. Bryan made me cry because he didn’t understand my anxieties, Michael was patient and kind as we explored my boundaries, and Cal made me feel nice. But none of them came close to making me feel the rainbow of emotions I was experiencing wrapped in Blake’s arms.
I didn’t ever want it to end.
Blake deepened the kiss, and my arms wound themselves around his back slipping underneath his hoodie. Warmth radiated from him. My hands traced the planes of his back, just needing to feel his skin; I needed to feel it, to know this was really happening. Blake obviously didn’t feel the same, and he brought his hand down to mine removing it. “There’s no rush,” he whispered into my mouth with a half-smile.
Rush?
I pulled back suddenly staring at him confused. “Rush?”
Blake frowned and opened his mouth to say something, but it all clicked into place in my head. “Oh God, oh no, you think, oh God.” I stepped back and started pacing back and forth in a short line.
“Whoa, Penny, let’s slow down a little. I’m confused. What are you talking about?”
I stopped pacing and dragged my teeth across my bottom lip feeling very exposed and stupid. Oh, so stupid. “What are you talking about?”
He was still smiling, but now Blake looked more concerned. “You first.”
“I, I…” The words were right there, right on the edge of my tongue, but if I said them, they would change everything.
“Is it about him? About what happened in that hell? Because you said you didn’t want to talk about it, that it was in the past.” The fear in Blake’s eyes rendered me speechless.
I’d been lying to myself when I thought I could survive the summer without letting him ruin things. But he had been there all along like a dark, angry storm ready to strike at any moment.
“Penny…” Blake’s voice cracked, and he swallowed hard. It was too much; my eyes fluttered shut, and I inhaled deeply.
Just breathe.
He can’t hurt you anymore.
Just breathe.
A sense of peace washed over me. I came to Camp Chance with the hope of healing. Blake being here was a sign—my chance at closure. With a deep breath, I opened my eyes and said calmly, “Almost a year after you left, Derek tried to rape me.”
The color drained from Blake’s face until his pallor looked gray under the moon’s light. “I, fuck, I… Christ, what happened? I thought he’d stopped with, you know.”
I knew.
The first time Derek came into my room and touched himself, I was fourteen. He’d caught Blake and me sneaking back into the house. It was my birthday. Blake knew something was up, had warned me to barricade myself in, but I thought he was overacting. Sure, Derek had an unusual fixation on me, but he was the same with all the girls. Always leering a little too long. Especially Jessica, but she had boobs and long legs and hair that made her look a lot older than her teenage years. I was just a girl. A tomboy, at that.
My eyes flew to the door as it creaked open. Blake, it had to be Blake sneaking in. But then Derek’s huge form came into view, the light from the hallway illuminating him. He looked like the devil. He stood with his eyes fixed on me as I pulled the comforter up around my chest, panic surging through me, my heart slamming against my chest. Why didn’t I listen to Blake? He knew; he knew something was off about Derek earlier. He never came in my room, ever, and I knew something was very wrong. When he stepped fully into the room and closed the door behind him, I started to cry, tears trickling down my cheeks. Derek placed a single finger on his lips reducing me to silence.
I. Couldn’t. Move.
He joined me on the bed. It groaned and rattled, protesting under his bulky frame. I was terrified, but through my tear-stained eyes, I noticed Derek was nervous, mumbling and trembling. It didn’t ease the storm. His eyes… they were hardened. Dead. He didn’t speak as he lay down beside me. I held my breath waiting…
He didn’t move.
I didn’t move.
Neither of us made a sound.
And then I felt his hand move, a zipper being pulled down. Rough, callous hands reached out for me.
“Tried to? You mean he didn’t? Please tell me that fucker didn’t actually do it?” The desperation in Blake’s voice ripped me from the nightmare and I shook my head trying to rid myself of a time I’d tried so hard to forget. “No, he didn’t. He couldn’t. It wasn’t for lack of trying, but no, he didn’t.”
Blake thrust a hand into his hair and cursed something under his breath. The hostility rolled off him like a stormy sea. I knew it would do this. Blake’s temper had always been a loose cannon.
“Why didn’t you tell anyone? I was gone. There was nothing he could threaten you with like before.”
“No one cared about what happened to us in there. You know that. Besides, I refused to let him break me. To give him that kind of power over me.”
That’s what I told myself. Whenever Derek used to sneak into my room and lie down beside me and start touching himself, I tuned him out. I focused on my happy place—at home with my parents or in No Man’s Land with Blake. I went to another place, one happier and brighter
and full of laughter. I never allowed myself to be there with him. I was an empty vessel, and he couldn’t hurt me.
Only Derek Freeman had hurt me in ways I wouldn’t come to realize until I left the group home.
“I should have been there.” It came out a whisper on the breeze.
But you weren’t.
“What happened after he…” Blake gulped, pain etched into his strong features. “After he tried to hurt you?”
“He got up, zipped up his pants, and walked out of my room. He never bothered me again. I checked out after that. I only had a few months left before I aged out, so I kept to myself. Jessica was long gone, Amy and Mason too.”
“I should have put that fucker in the ground when I had the chance.” The venom in Blake’s words didn’t surprise me. He had always hated our foster dad.
When Blake discovered Derek leaving my room that first night, I’d wrapped myself around him and begged for him not to go after him. It wasn’t until Blake finally calmed down that I was able to pass on Derek’s message: Tell anyone and he would ensure we never saw each other again. He used our friendship against us, holding us prisoner to his will, and it seemed the sick man loved getting off while lying next to young girls stroking their innocent skin.
Emotionally spent, I said the only words I could muster. “He’ll get his.” I had to believe that. One day, Derek Freeman would pay for his crimes.
“We should probably get back,” I said hoping to snap Blake out of his own thoughts. He shook his head and blinked. “You’re right.”
As we walked back the rest of the short distance to cabin row, the distance between us seemed wider than ever. Just as I had predicted, my revelations changed everything, and as much as I tried to tell myself that Derek didn’t still hold power over me, this was proof he did.
My cabin came into view and an empty feeling washed over me. It was ironic really that what started as possibly one of the single best moments of my life would end this way. Blake called me his lucky Penny, but I was all lucked out. Had been for most of my life.
“This is me,” I said turning slightly to Blake. He looked pensive and avoided meeting my eyes. The pit in my stomach expanded. “Good night, Blake.” I started toward the cabin stairs. My legs felt heavy as I took the first step. The truth was supposed to set you free, but it all had done tonight was ruin things.
When I reached the last step, I turned back. Blake was standing where I left him. Rigid and unmoving, he watched me intently. I couldn’t place the emotion on his face, and a sinking feeling spread through me.
“Thank you for taking me tonight,” I said softly before quietly opening the door and stepping inside, leaving my past behind.
Blake didn’t try to kiss me again.
In our last few days at Camp Chance, we didn’t share any more heated looks over the fire or stolen glances across the lake. Blake went out of his way to avoid me. I still watched him; my eyes refused to look away, but he never returned my stares.
He had pulled away, and the only thing that had changed was my revelation about Derek.
After Blake kissed me and I told him about Derek, I thought I had finally found closure. But once again, I was lost in my past. I moved through the days spent out at the lake or in the woods with the girls, but I had checked out. I was stuck in my memories.
“And what do you hope to gain from working at Camp Chance, Penny?”
My eyes focused on the bookcase behind Dr. Merth. “To prove to myself that this thing, my anxiety, doesn’t control me, I guess.”
“Does this have anything to do with Cal?”
“Cal?” I met Dr. Merth’s questioning eyes with my own. “Why would it be about Cal? We ended. It’s done.”
The smartly dressed man regarded me. He looked more like a young hip college professor than a psychologist. “Exactly, Penny. You were making progress with Cal. You dated, for what, nine months? You trusted him enough to let him touch you?”
I winced and my eyes fluttered shut as I remembered. How I’d cried the first time Cal had tried to touch me. How scared I’d been to let him see me, kiss me, feel me. I had let him touch me, and we’d been intimate, but it wasn’t easy.
“Penny,” Dr. Merth’s voice pulled me back into the room. “I’m not here to judge. I’m here to help you explore your feelings and to make sense of what is happening.” He smiled and I relaxed into the leather chair a little. “I think, that maybe, you’re looking for something or someone to fix you. But it doesn’t work like that. You have to deal with your experiences first. Make peace with what happened and try to find a way to make sense of it. What you feel, how you respond to touch, your fears… they are completely normal for someone in your situation. You experienced a great loss and then someone you should have been able to trust took you advantage of you. There is no quick fix for that, Penny. Baby steps, remember.”
I nodded, the lump in my throat preventing me from garnering a reply.
“Now, I’ll ask again. What are you hoping to gain from working at Camp Chance?”
I came to Camp Chance to prove something to myself—to fix myself—only I got more than I bargained for, and now, I was more lost than ever. Marissa tried to console me. At first, she said I should try to talk to Blake, to give him a chance to explain his sudden coldness. But I didn’t need to see that look in his eyes again. The void I’d seen as he watched me walk into the cabin that night.
Maybe this is just how it’s supposed to be.
In the end, our second chance was just a naïve fantasy.
An illusion.
“All packed?” Marissa barreled into our cabin in her usual fashion. I nodded. We had said goodbye to the last group yesterday. Our last campfire debrief was this evening, and our buses left tomorrow.
“Aren’t you going to start packing?” I asked her glancing at the empty bag sitting on her bed.
“Nah, I’ll do it first thing. I want to make the most of our last few hours. We’re going down to the lake. Troy and Tina always end the summer with this silly counselor versus instructor competition. You’re coming, right?” She eyed me warily.
“Of course, I’m coming,” I shot back a little too defensively.
Marissa smiled weakly. I wasn’t fooling her with my attempt to hold myself together.
“Awesome. Bring a change of clothes. Things usually end up wet.”
Great.
I followed her out of the cabin and shut the door behind me. Tomorrow, life would return to normal. I would return to my shitty apartment and underpaid job, and soon enough, Camp Chance would become a distant memory.
Just like Blake.
You shouldn’t have told him, a little voice whispered. But I knew the truth. If Blake still cared for me the way I was starting to believe he did, what I told him wouldn’t have mattered.
“Okay, welcome to our fourteenth annual counselors versus instructors showdown. The rules are simple. First team to build their raft and make it across the lake wins the coveted title of Camp Chance champions.”
I rolled my eyes at Marissa; she sat on the opposite bench with the other instructors with a smug grin painted on her face, wiggling her eyebrows in a way that said ‘I’m pro at this.’
“Starting positions, please,” Troy bellowed. He was enjoying this far too much, and it made me wonder just how old he was exactly. He rarely acted older than a teenager did himself.
Reluctantly, I joined Sheridan, Sara, Blake, Malachi, and John. The guys were already discussing how best to fix together the materials—four drum barrels, various ropes, and a series of wooden poles—to make a floatation device.
“First one across wins. GO!” Troy yelled sounding the air horn.
“Okay, let’s get the thing laid out first then we can work on tying the barrels together before we add the poles,” Blake directed the rest of us, well, Sheridan, Sara, Malachi, and John. I was too busy focusing on not watching him.
It was the closest we had been in ten days when he’d held me clo
se and kissed me as if I was his air.
“Grab that rope, Penny,” someone said pulling me from my thoughts.
“Hmm, yeah, sure, here you go.” Sara flashed me a concerned look, and I smiled weakly.
In less than twenty minutes, our group had fashioned a raft and were wading into the water to see if it was buoyant.
“Remember, teams. Everyone has to travel across on your rafts,” Troy shouted from his stool with a huge grin on his face.
I cursed under my breath as I watched my teammates climb onto the wooden base one by one. When Marissa had said bring a change of clothes, I don’t know what I thought, but it wasn’t that I might end up falling off the raft into the lake.
“Come on, Penny.” Blake extended his hand to me, but not ready to acknowledge him, I rounded the other side of the raft and waded into the water. My body shuddered at the cold temperature, but I ignored it and hoisted myself up. The whole thing wobbled, water lapping up the sides.
“It’s not that bad, Penny,” Sheridan joked shuffling up to give me space.
“You won’t be saying that when we end up in there.” I glanced down at the dark blue water.
“Nah, they have this down to an art. Right, guys?”
They laughed, but I didn’t. I was too busy focusing all my energies on staying as still as possible while Blake and Malachi used paddles to sail us across the lake. I knew the other team was right on our tail.
About halfway across the lake, one of the guys’ expertly tied knots started to loosen under our weight. Malachi was certain it would hold, but I watched it slip looser and looser until the last pole started to drop away from the others.
