Exhale

by Jennifer Snyder

  A warm breeze slid across my skin, bringing with it the salty taste of the ocean and the smoke from the fire in front of me. Squinting my eyes, I blinked a few times, and coughed. Shifting to the side slightly and fanning my face, I waved the smoke elsewhere.

  “Where have you been, Kat?” Kyle asked from across the fire after he’d contained his laughter from the joke I’d just missed, his arm sliding from the shoulder of a brunette that I recognized from my geometry class last year. She crossed her arms over her large chest and glared at me, shooting daggers from her eyes. Obviously, she thought my presence had ruined any chance that she had with Kyle tonight, but she was wrong. I didn’t care what she did with Kyle tonight and being in my presence had never stopped him before. Truth be told, sometimes I often thought Kyle only wanted to be with me because I denied him. It was a stereotypical case of wanting what you couldn’t have. If these girls who lusted after him would only figure that part out, I had no doubt they would have him eating out of the palm of their hands in no time.

  My eyes flickered unintentionally in Derek’s direction. He was staring at me with those brilliant green eyes he and Kyle both shared, but there was always something different about Derek’s, something that set his apart from his brother’s—an intensity that swirled within them. Tonight, when I looked into his eyes, that intensity seemed magnified somehow.

  “Eh, I’ve been around.” I shrugged, shifting my eyes away from Derek, but not for long. In moments like this, when alcohol warmed my blood and drowned out reason, I could never seem to grab ahold of the control I always struggled to maintain when around him. The control that kept me from allowing my eyes to stare at nothing besides him, from finally spewing my guts and telling him exactly how I felt about him, and most of all, from pressing my lips to his.

  “Yeah, I saw who you were hanging around with,” Kyle said through clenched teeth, his obvious disapproval dripping from his words.

  Kyle’s tone wasn’t what surprised me. Sometimes he could act like an overly possessive boyfriend. It was Derek’s eyes that did. Maybe I had imagined it, as if it was some form of wishful thinking, infused by alcohol or something, but for a fraction of a second, I thought I saw jealousy bubbling to the surface in them.

  I didn’t get a chance to answer Kyle’s comment or even to think more about that flash of emotion I’d thought I had noticed in Derek’s eyes, because Missy ran up to me, her red plastic cup sloshing and spilling its contents the entire way. “Oh, my God, there you are! I’ve been looking all over for you!” she slurred a little too loudly. She stumbled and caught herself by grabbing on to my shoulder, her blonde curls spilling into her face.

  “Here I am,” I said, taking her cup from her hand and taking a long swig. I still hadn’t managed to make it inside to get that other beer I’d wanted.

  Missy roughly squeezed in between me and the girl sitting next to me, nearly pushing me off the edge of the log in the process. “Is it true?”

  “Is what true?”

  “That you totally threw yourself all over Cal on the pier and then got pissed when he turned you down,” she slurred, her lips twisted into a drunken smile. She loved drama, especially when it wasn’t her own.

  My stomach knotted. I’d figured he would say something like that. I took another gulp of her beer before I handed the cup back to her. “Not even close.”

  “I didn’t think so, but that’s what he’s telling everyone,” Missy said matter-of-factly as she swayed slightly. “What a dick!”

  I pursed my lips together. “My thoughts exactly.”

  “We should do something to him, like key his car or slash his tires…” Missy muttered as she drunkenly thought of an evil plot against Cal. I smiled at her ideas. I loved my best friend.

  “What really happened then?” Kyle asked, the firelight dancing across his face and creating shadows which intensified the sudden flare of protective anger I saw distorting his features.

  “Nothing,” I said, feeling my cheeks grow hot from being the center of attention for so long.

  “It sure as shit better not have,” Kyle said, standing abruptly. He stormed off in the direction of the house, stumbling only once on the way up the steps to the porch. He’d had more to drink than I’d thought, he never stumbled.

  “Crap,” Derek sighed. “Hold this, I’ll be right back,” he said, handing me his Pepsi.

  I knew what was about to happen. I could feel Kyle’s tension he left behind crackling in the air. Kyle was going inside to try to pound the crap out of Cal for what he’d said and what Kyle thought he’d possibly done, and Derek was going in to peel Kyle off so he didn’t kill him. That was how their relationship worked. Kyle was the hot-tempered, egotistical maniac and Derek was the mellow-minded peacemaker who kept his younger brother—by three minutes—in line.

  I remained where I sat, having faith that Derek would get to Kyle before he could do much damage, and at the same time, enjoying the satisfaction that came with knowing Cal was getting what had been coming to him, a freaking sucker punch right in the eye. Missy leaned her head against mine with a little too much force, causing an inaudible ‘ouch’ to escape from my parted lips, and began mumbling incoherently about how horrible she felt and moaning. I sighed and wiped her blonde curls off her damp forehead. It looked like it was time to call it a night and head back to her house.

  I sat Derek’s drink down beside the log and stood, holding onto Missy so she wouldn’t fall over in the process. “Come on, let’s get you home.”

  She mumbled something about home and sleep before wobbly standing and allowing me to lead her back toward Derek’s jeep. I had made it halfway when I heard a familiar voice call to me from behind.

  “Hold up, let me help you.” I paused and shifted Missy’s weight around a little as Derek jogged to where I stood and took most of Missy’s weight from my shoulder. His warm fingers brushed against my side, as he attempted to slip his arm around Missy’s waist, causing tiny shivers to travel through me from his touch.

  “Thanks,” I said, blushing at the sensation.

  Kyle came out of nowhere and draped his arm around my shoulder. “You should have seen Cal’s face when I clobbered him! Priceless.” A lazy smirk twisted up the corners of his lips as he gazed at me with hooded, drunken eyes.

  I brushed his heavy arm off, as I always did, and shook my head. “Thanks for taking care of Cal for me, even though I didn’t ask you to.” I smirked, casting him a sidelong glance.

  Kyle’s grin grew and he licked his lips as though he could taste his own satisfaction in the air. “Anything for you, Kat, you know that.” He winked. “So, how about a kiss for protecting your honor and all that crap?”

  I opened my mouth and was just about to deny him for the millionth time when Missy let out the most disgusting belch I had ever heard.

  “Ew, gross!” Kyle grimaced.

  “Seriously,” I seconded.

  “If she pukes in my Jeep, we’re spending the night, just so she can clean it up first thing in the morning. I’m not even joking,” Derek insisted and a tiny part of me hoped that she would just for that reason.

  When we got to the Jeep, I helped Derek maneuver Missy into the backseat and then I climbed in beside her. Kyle slid into the passenger seat and propped his head up with his hand against the window. I would give it ten minutes tops before he was zonked out like Missy. For a brief moment, Derek’s eyes met mine in the rearview mirror as he put the Jeep into drive. I felt that same shiver from earlier, when his fingertips had brushed against my side, slide through me from my head to my toes. I swallowed hard, and the entire way to Missy’s house, I fought to keep my gaze on the scenery and away from the back of Derek’s head and the mirror, where our eyes might meet by chance again.

  My fingers played with a loose string at the edge of my shorts. I was glad I hadn’t noticed it earlier and cut it off, because it was what was keeping my fingernails away from my mouth and the urge to chew on them at bay. I didn’t know why I felt
the way I did about Derek. The Conner boys were identical twins, for crying out loud. Just something about him captivated me completely and set my soul on fire. He was all I had ever wanted, but everything I knew I couldn’t have. The three of us had grown up together, and if you pushed Kyle’s joking flirty ways with me to the side, we were all best friends. The risk of losing that was what held me back from expressing how I felt about Derek.

  My eyes flickered toward the rearview mirror once more. Derek’s eyebrows were drawn together as he drove, and I wished I could see the rest of his face so I would know if it was just because he was focusing on driving, or if it was because he was lost in thought. He shifted his gaze from the road to the rearview mirror, his eyes locking with mine, and the creases between his brows softened. He inhaled deeply and then blew out loudly, his cheeks puffing up. I smiled, but I wasn’t sure if he could see it through the mirror, before glancing back out my window, watching the darkened houses pass by.

  CHAPTER THREE

  The second we turned down Missy’s street, my stomach shifted and nervous knots began forming as the fear of being caught coming home at such an ungodly hour by her neighbors fully sunk in. As her brown two-story house—with a light left on upstairs to fool someone into thinking we were there—came into view, my anxiety seemed to intensify. We turned into her driveway and my eyes became glued to her nosy neighbor, Mrs. Janis’ red front door. I was worrying that she’d come barging out shaking her finger and yelling that she would be calling Missy’s parents first thing in the morning to tell them about our drunken escapades with boys in the middle of the night.

  This didn’t happen, of course. The entire neighborhood was sound asleep, except the crickets and katydids, so no one was awake to witness Missy’s post-party, after-hours drunken entrance.

  Derek shifted into park, but didn’t cut the engine. My eyes flickered to the rearview mirror and met his dead on once again. “Well, looks like Kyle passed out, too,” he chuckled.

  I continued playing with the string on my shorts and flashed him a smile. “I kind of figured he would.”

  Derek got out and walked around to Missy’s side. He opened her door and caught her just before she fell out at his feet. Tossing her arms around his neck, he gently pulled her out until she was standing. I slid across the seat and through her door before helping take some of her weight off of him. Grabbing the spare key from inside a fake rock in their flowerbed, I opened the front door as quickly as I could.

  “Good God, she’s dead weight,” Derek mumbled as he heaved her onto the couch. Missy moaned softly and muttered something about pancakes.

  We both chuckled as we stood in the dimly lit living room of Missy’s silent house while Derek’s Jeep idled in the driveway.

  “Thanks for the ride,” I said as I walked him back through the living room and toward the door, staring at him from the corner of my eye, my heart pounding beneath my tank top. I reached for the doorknob, my clammy hand grasped the cool metal, while my mind raced for things to say, things that would make him stay for even a moment longer. I wasn’t ready to say good night to him just yet—damn Missy for not throwing up in the Jeep.

  “No problem.” His lips twisted into my favorite little shy smile of his, causing my racing pulse to rise into my throat and my mouth to suddenly dry up.

  I shifted my eyes away, afraid that he could see all of my covert thoughts about him by simply looking in to them—thoughts that despite my best efforts over the years, I could never keep from entering my mind while in his presence.

  “I had a decent time tonight, how about you?” he asked, pausing in the threshold, his face lit just enough by the cascading living room light behind me that I could make out the bright green of his eyes and the crease forming just above his eyebrows again.

  I shrugged one shoulder and leaned against the doorframe, thankful for the shadows I knew I was standing in so that he couldn’t see the pink tint to my cheeks his nearness caused. “I guess.”

  He nodded and I noticed his hands sinking farther into his front pockets as the crease above his brow deepened. He exhaled slowly and bit his bottom lip. He wanted to say something; I knew him well enough to know that much.

  “What?” I questioned, raising an eyebrow, my eyes never leaving his. My heart continued to pound in my chest as a tingling sensation spread throughout my body while I waited for him to respond. A perfect mixture of wishful thinking and doubt filled my mind, as I pondered what he could be so nervous to say in the long, drawn-out moment between when I’d stopped speaking and he started.

  “What really happened tonight between you and Cal?” Derek’s eyebrows drew together as he bit the inside of his cheek. “Were the couple of punches Kyle threw his way justified?”

  My shoulders sunk slightly and my heart dropped to the pit of my stomach like a heavy stone. Cal was not someone I wanted to talk about, especially not with Derek. Nor was that kiss something I wanted to remember. I could feel my cheeks heat with embarrassment, turning from cute pink to flaming red in seconds, as Derek’s attentive green eyes took note of my stance shift while he waited for my reply.

  “He tried something, didn’t he?” His clipped tone surprised me. It was something I expected of Kyle, but not Derek. He was always so calm, cool, and collected.

  I shook my head and folded my arms across my chest. “Not really, no. We kissed…for a while. He sucked at kissing and I wanted to stop, but apparently, he didn’t. More than anything, I think I bruised his ego. That’s why he said what he said.” I couldn’t believe I was having this conversation with him. We didn’t talk about stuff like this. Ever.

  Derek reached up and rubbed his chin as a tiny smirk twisted his lips. “So Mr. Big Shot Cal Carlson sucks at kissing, huh?” he chuckled and I relaxed some.

  “Absolutely horrible,” I smirked.

  “Well, I’m glad you thought so,” he said, his voice sounding a bit awkward, strangled even.

  It took me a moment to realize that I was the only one still laughing, but when I did, I became acutely aware of Derek’s deep green eyes locking on my lips. I licked them self-consciously and he cleared his throat. He stepped forward, erasing the space that separated us, making my stomach flip-flop and my heart thump faster than it already had been. Derek was going to kiss me; I could feel it. Something had changed in the air between us. I watched him as he licked his lips and parted them slightly. A moment of hesitation crossed his features as he questioned whether I wanted him to stop or not without uttering a single word.

  I didn’t. I didn’t speak. I didn’t breathe. I didn’t move.

  Derek’s warm hands cupped my face, his thumb brushed against my barely parted lips as the green in his eyes deepened, giving way to the inner turmoil he felt over what he was about to do, and I held my breath. In the span of a heartbeat, his eyes closed and his lips pressed against mine, moving in a soft, slow way. I kissed him back, allowing his lips, the feel of his touch, and the taste of his tongue to erase everything else about tonight. I forgot about the neighbors that could be watching. I forgot about Missy asleep on the couch and Kyle passed out a few feet away in the Jeep. I forgot about everything, including what this moment meant, and how it would change everything between us. I only thought of how I’d finally gotten what I had always wanted—Derek.

  He pulled away, releasing my lips and my face at the same time. “How was that? Was it any better than Cal Carlson?”

  I didn’t respond at first. Instead, I raised my fingertips to touch my lips, saddened from the departure of his and curious to see if they felt any different, because I felt different, everything felt different. That kiss had changed everything that ever was between us, and I wondered if Derek knew, if he understood what had just happened, what he’d just done.

  “Yeah, it was,” I said, my voice sounding soft and breathy. I dropped my hand to my side and swallowed hard. Blinking once, I realized Derek was staring at me, smirking like a fool. “It definitely didn’t suck,” I confirmed, flashing
him a mirror-image smile of his own.

  “Good to know,” he said with a little nod of his head, his eyes the perfect mixture of smugness and sheepishness. He shoved his hands back into his front pockets before sauntering back to his Jeep.

  I watched as he backed out of Missy’s driveway, his smirk never leaving his face as his eyes flicked to mine repeatedly. That little smirk burst into a full-fledged grin and he shook his head like he couldn’t believe what he’d just done, as he glanced at me one final time before he drove away. I remained standing in the doorway long after the red taillights of Derek’s Jeep faded into the darkness of the night, brushing my fingertips against the smoothness of my lips, while I struggled to figure out how that kiss had even happened. Questions formed in my mind, ones I was terrified of the answers to, but excited by the prospect of them all the same.

  A soft moan followed by a gargling sound and then a distinctive splat came from the living room. I closed the front door with a grimace and held my breath as I went to help Missy stumble her way to the bathroom and assess the damage she’d caused across the living room floor. For her sake, I was praying that she missed her mother's rug and everything had landed on the hardwood instead.