“Well, I do,” Derek muttered, not waiting any longer for me to answer as he stood and left the room before I could think of something to say, before I could tell him that he’d said what I had needed to hear.
We finished clearing out Kyle’s bedroom around 9:00 p.m. Derek avoided me like the plague, obviously mistaking my silence from earlier for something that it wasn’t. Maybe it was partially my fault because I didn’t correct him or tell him how true his statement had seemed, but once the moment had passed, I didn’t know how to bring it up again.
I went to bed that night with Kyle’s bracelet still attached to my wrist and Derek’s words still replaying through my mind. He’d been right. Maybe it had taken this much time to pass for me to see it, but Kyle really would want the both of us to be happy. And if our being together made us each happy enough to erase the dark cloud that had been ever present above our heads since the night of Kyle’s death, then so be it.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
The next morning had all the makings of a disaster—I woke up late, my throat hurt, it was freezing outside, and my car made this odd sputtering sound upon starting. It was apparent that the dark cloud I had envisioned erasing last night was in full force and making its presence known today.
I pulled into the first available parking spot I saw, praying that the time on my dash clock was fast because if not, I only had about three minutes to get from the parking lot to class, which was on the second floor of the main building and nearly impossible to reach in that amount of time. Cutting the engine, I slung my messenger bag across my shoulder and bolted across the lot. By the time I made it to the double doors of the main building, my thighs were burning, my face felt wind-burnt, and my nose was gushing snot. I rushed down the hallway, bypassing all the stragglers, and was just at the door about to dart inside when the bell rang and Mrs. Pangle was already closing the door for homeroom.
“Come on in, Miss. Elliott. I’m in a giving mood today,” she said, opening the door slightly for me to slip through.
“Thank you,” I said, wiping the snot from my nose onto my coat sleeve, so thankful she’d taken pity on me because my legs were on fire from speed walking all the way and all I wanted to do was sit down.
“Dang, look what the cat drug in.” Missy grinned as I slid into my desk beside her.
“Funny,” I sneered.
“Seriously though, you look rough.”
I grabbed a lemon-flavored throat lozenge from inside my coat pocket and popped in my mouth. “Well, I feel rough.”
“I hope you’re feeling better by Friday.” Missy frowned.
“Friday, what’s Friday?” I asked, picking my nose with a tissue and not caring who saw. I knew we didn’t have school Friday because of Thanksgiving break this week, but I couldn’t remember making any plans with Missy.
“Brody’s house, hello,” she said like I was stupid, then raised her hand and answered Mrs. Pangle when her name was called for roll.
Brody’s house. How could I have forgotten? “Is everyone still doing that this year?”
Since our sophomore year, when we could drive ourselves, all of our friends got together at Brody’s house the Friday night during Thanksgiving break, because come Friday night, after three solid days of being crammed around family, all of us were ready for some downtime and some actual fun. It had been Kyle’s idea and he’d decided Brody’s basement was the perfect place for it considering its amenities. Everyone had agreed and so a tradition had been born.
“Yeah,” Missy whispered, trying not to interrupt Mrs. Pangle’s roll call. “I talked to Brody last night. He said this year, he had something special planned so all of us have to come.”
My chest tightened as I thought of what he could be planning. I hoped it was something in honor of Kyle, preferably something Kyle would have approved of, which meant anything involving alcohol, girls, and fun.
“Cool. Even if I don’t feel better by then, I’ll still come,” I promised. “Wait a minute, when did you start talking to Brody?”
Missy’s lips spread into a wide grin. “I was wondering when you were gonna say something.”
I raised my hand when Mrs. Pangle called my name, my eyes never leaving Missy’s as I waited for her answer.
“Yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that…” she said in a singsong voice.
My stomach hardened. Normally she was very forward and told me the instant a new crush was formed. This time she didn’t. “Oh, awesome. Are you guys hooking up or something now?”
It felt strange having to ask. When had this distance grown between us?
“It’s only been a week. Right now we’re just talking, but I really hope so.” Missy’s face grew serious. “I really like him.”
I didn’t know which shocked me more—the fact that Missy hadn’t told me about a budding new crush right away, or the fact that she was actually being serious about the guy. Normally guys were disposable to her. In all of the years I’d known her, I’d never seen her have an actual boyfriend for more than three days at a time.
My friend was changing and I hadn’t even noticed it until now.
“That’s great. I really think you two would make a cute couple,” I said, still thinking.
I tried to think back over the last few months, from the time of Kyle’s death up until now, adding up Missy’s crushes. I could count them on one hand and still have three fingers left over. Either Missy had slowed down in her escapades because Kyle’s death had really gotten to her, or else she’d grown up some. Judging from the look on her face when she’d said that she really liked Brody, I was leaning toward a mixture of both.
“Thanks,” she said, beaming.
As the day progressed, so did my sickness. Near the middle of 4th period, I excused myself to the restroom and called in from work for the night from my cell phone. After an excruciating sneezing fit that made my chest ache and my throat burn even more, I exited the bathroom with watery eyes and smacked into someone dead on. Steady hands caught me as I stumbled backward from the impact slightly, holding my forehead.
“Geez, I’m sorry,” I muttered, glancing up slowly to see whom I had plowed into. I found a set of familiar eyes.
“Whoa there,” Derek said, his lips forming into a slight grin.
I smiled back, the warmth from his hands pressed against my forearms making me delirious. I hadn’t realized how cold I was until he’d touched me. “Sorry, I didn’t see you.”
“I could tell.” He released me and rubbed the spot in the center of his chest that my forehead had met with. “You don’t look too good, are you feeling okay?”
I licked my dry lips and wrapped my arms around my chest to try and keep as much of the heat I’d stolen from his hands. “Actually, I’ve felt better,” I admitted, sucking snot down the back of my throat, because I didn’t have a tissue and wiping it on the back of my hand or shirtsleeve seemed even grosser.
Derek reached out and pressed the back of his hand against my forehead. “Jesus, Katie, you’re burning up.”
I leaned into his hand relishing in its warmth. “Am I?” I didn’t feel hot, I was freezing.
“Meet me at my Jeep after class, I’ll drive you home,” he insisted, dropping his hand from my forehead.
“But what about my car?” I asked even though the idea of me driving myself anywhere seemed out of the question. I could feel the sickness traveling through my veins.
“Don’t worry about it. We can come back tomorrow or whenever during break and pick it up.”
“Okay,” I said in between rapid sneezes. “I need a tissue.”
I covered my nose and darted back inside the bathroom. After sounding like a really excited elephant, I made my way back out with a fist full of toilet paper to find Derek leaning against the wall, waiting on me.
“You sound horrible. Why did you even come to school today?” he asked, his eyebrows drawn together, as we began walking down the hall toward our classrooms.
&nbs
p; “I didn’t feel this bad this morning,” I muttered all stuffy sounding.
“Well don’t forget to meet me at my Jeep, okay?”
“I won’t,” I smiled, stopping in front of my classroom.
My eyes repeatedly flickered toward the clock, counting down the minutes until I was supposed to meet Derek at his Jeep. My head pounded and I’d already blown my nose a dozen more times since I’d gotten back from the bathroom. When the bell finally rang, it echoed loudly through my head, the vibrations making my teeth chatter. I hadn’t remembered it being so loud before. I scooped my books up off my desk and slid the strap of my messenger bag over my shoulder. Its heaviness dug into me and I felt my already sensitive skin begin to pulsate with a dull ache. I would be freaking ecstatic if I made it to my locker to switch out my books and get rid of some of its weight.
I miraculously made it to my locker in no time and was pushing against the metal exit door before I knew it, grateful to be outside and away from the harsh lights and loud voices. Cold wind whipped against my face, sending shivers throughout me and burning my lungs when I inhaled. I prayed Derek would be waiting at his Jeep with it already cranked and the heat pouring out full blast. Cramming my hands even further into my coat pockets and lifting my shoulders to cover my ears, I hurried down the winding pathway that led to the senior parking lot.
Derek’s yellow Jeep stood out like a sore thumb and for that, I was grateful. I was not in the mood to wander around aimlessly. Lowering my head as another icy gust of wind plummeted me, I headed in its general direction. I slid between a big black truck and a tiny blue car that had parked too close and slightly crooked, before coming out directly in front of Derek’s Jeep. He stood at the driver’s side door, talking with Brody and bouncing on the balls of his feet to keep warm, his back facing me. My stomach knotted at the sight of him and I paused where I stood, at the front bumper of the blue car. I glanced to my right, searching for my red Aveo. I wasn’t feeling that bad, I could surely drive myself home.
“Katie, over here,” Derek called before I could speed walk to my own car and climb in.
I turned to look at him. Brody still stood beside him, but they had stopped talking and were both staring at me now. My gaze locked with Derek’s and a sudden desire to be close to him, to be wrapped up in the warmth of his presence, swelled within me like nothing I had ever felt before. My feet moved forward and with every step closer to him, I felt my muscles go slack.
“Hey, hop on in,” Brody said, motioning to Derek’s vehicle. “He’s got it all warmed up for you.”
“Awesome.” I smiled and relaxed my shoulders a little.
“I’ll catch you later, Brody,” Derek said as he walked around the front of the Jeep toward the passenger side.
“Yeah, sure. See ya, man. See ya, Katie.” Brody gave me a head nod and walked away.
“Bye,” I called after him.
“I thought you were going to ditch me there for a minute,” Derek said as he opened the passenger door for me. The warmth from inside blasted out, caressing my face and lulling me inside and away from the bitter cold.
“I thought about it,” I admitted honestly. “I’m not really feeling that bad anymore.”
“Even so, I’d rather you just let me give you a ride home.” He closed the door for me and then he darted back around the front of the Jeep. “Burr,” he said, rubbing his hands together in front of a heat vent. “It’s cold out there.”
My messenger bag slid to the floor and I buckled up. “Yeah.”
I blew my nose with an old tissue from inside my coat pocket and leaned my head back against the seat. The knots that had formed in my stomach were slowly but surely unwinding themselves as the warmth from the heater enveloped me, and the nearness of Derek wrapped me in a peaceful cocoon as he backed out of his parking space.
With the radio turned down low and the familiar guy scent that clung to Derek always swirling in my nostrils, I yawned and relaxed into my seat even further. My eyelids grew heavy. It didn’t take me long before I gave in and closed them completely.
I felt the Jeep stop. The warmth that had been blasting me in the face from the open vent was gone, as well as the low music that had been the background noise to the dream I couldn’t remember. I kept my eyes closed. I was awake, but didn’t want to be. I wanted to be right here, encased in this perfect little bubble inside Derek’s Jeep forever.
A door opened and coldness touched my skin. An arm slid behind my back and another beneath my knees. I was hoisted upward out of my perfect bubble and pressed against solid warmth.
My hands gripped Derek’s jacket tightly as I tucked my head into the side of his neck. I felt groggy and tired so I pretended to still be asleep. Derek shifted me in his arms as he fumbled to put a key in the front door. I heard him groan and I wondered for a split second if I was too heavy for him. I wasn’t fat by any means, but struggling to not drop me while fumbling with unlocking a door must be extremely difficult. Just when the guilt from pretending to be asleep when I actually wasn’t began to eat at me, the door unlocked and Derek pushed his way inside.
I was in my room, being lowered on to my bed, Derek had begun the process of sliding his arms from beneath me, but I refused to let go of his jacket so easily. I wanted him near me. I wanted to be wrapped in his arms and smothered by his scent as I drifted back to sleep.
I wanted Derek in my life again. I wanted things between us to be the way that they had been before.
“Don’t go, stay,” I whispered, opening my eyes. His face hovered above mine, as if he’d been about to kiss my forehead but me opening my eyes had stopped him.
His lips pressed together in a slight grimace. “I can’t.”
“You mean you won’t,” I said, my throat scratchy.
“No, I mean I have to work.” He leaned forward and pressed his warm lips against my forehead. I closed my eyes and inhaled his scent deeply. “Get some sleep.” He left without another word, and my eyes fluttered closed seconds later.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
I woke sometime later that night to a house full of voices. My grandfather’s Santa Claus laugh echoed down the hall and into my room, followed by two high-pitched squeals.
My Thanksgiving holiday was now in full swing.
I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to pinpoint exactly where my throat hurt, but couldn’t decide. A loud banging against my bedroom door startled me and I bolted quickly into a sitting position.
“Shh! Sarah, leave Katie alone,” Mom scolded my little cousin. “She isn’t feeling good, honey. She’s sick.”
“Sick?” I could hear Sarah ask in a cute three-year-old whisper-yell.
Little feet pitter-pattered back down the hallway and I heard my mother sigh loudly before her footsteps retreated away from my bedroom door too.
“Shh, guys! Katie sick!” Sarah shouted from in the living room. Laughter from everyone thundered to my silent room.
I cracked a smile and shook my head, able to picture Sarah’s chubby little cheeks as she reprehended everyone for their loudness. I slid my covers back, flicked on the lamp beside my bed, and let my feet dangle off the side. Glancing at my alarm clock, I realized it was just after 9:00 PM. Peeling off the jacket I had slept in, I tossed it on the floor, and made my way across the room. I had to get out of these jeans and this tight-fitting shirt.
After tugging on a pair of black yoga pants and a baby blue hoodie, I twisted my hair into a messy bun on top of my head and opened my door to go greet everyone. Derek was coming down the hall with a bowl full of something in one hand and a glass of ice water in the other. He nodded his head to the side like I should go back into my room, so I did.
“Hey, your mom wanted me to bring this to you,” he said, closing the door with his foot behind him. He walked across the room and set the bowl he had been holding down on my nightstand. The smell of my mother’s chicken soup filled my room. “I also brought you this.” He pulled out a box of medicine from in his bac
k pocket and handed it to me. “Trust me; you don’t wanna go out there until this has kicked in. I’ve been here since 6:30 and I’ve already taken two Tylenol.” He smiled, rubbing his forehead. “Your little cousin is cute, but man is she loud.”
“Thanks,” I said, taking the medicine and glass of water from him, my voice sounding raw. How had he been here since 6:30? I thought he’d told me he had to work and that was why he couldn’t stay with me. My cheeks flushed at the memory of asking.
“I only had to cover for Craig, the older, married guy, for a couple hours tonight. He had something he needed to do,” Derek said, as though he could read my mind. “I wanted to stay with you when you asked, trust me.”
Butterflies danced in my stomach and I looked away from him. “It’s okay,” I said only because I didn’t know what else to say.
The silence between us became palpable, pressing in on me from all sides.
“Well, are you going to eat? I’m sure you’re starved,” he suggested, his eyebrows furrowing together as his hand smoothed down the back of his hair. “I could grab a bowl and join you, if you want.”
“Sure…if you want to.” I shrugged, but inside, my heart was hammering and my stomach was doing flip-flops.
Derek’s face relaxed. “I’ll be right back.” He grinned.
As soon as Derek left the room, I darted to the mirror above my dresser and wiped away the dark smudges of eyeliner from beneath my eyes I hadn’t cared about moments before. I positioned myself back in the place I had been sitting when Derek left the room, forced myself to swallow two of the gigantic pills from inside the box he had given me, and gripped the steaming bowl of chicken noodle soup in my hands.
Derek hurried through my bedroom door a moment later and closed it quickly behind him. “I just barely made it down the hall without Sarah seeing me. That little girl is desperately waiting for you to come out.”
I smiled and swallowed a bit of soup. Its warm, salty goodness slid down my throat and I swore I already felt a slight bit better, the warmth soothing my aches. “I’m sure.”
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