Worrying over me is something she hasn’t done recently. Since I’ve regained control over my life and took back what was mine, it’s been pretty smooth sailing. I have learned to worry about the things only I can control and stop living in the past. She’s afraid I’ll regress, fall back into a depression my mind won’t let me overcome. Which is not surprising, since it’s been a long time since I had to look that past in the face. You can call this the first step, but it’s not the ultimate issue I’ll eventually have to face. When that day comes, it will require every ounce of courage and strength I’ve gathered to claw my way back and survive, not just for me, but for Jacob.
Victim. I am not.
Honesty, and being upfront with all my feelings, for her not to worry, is what’s needed now.
“Jacob and I came home, and I sent him to his room to play. I locked myself in the bathroom. I cried. I haven’t cried tears like those in a long time. It was a relief. It wasn’t me falling back. You know when something unexpected sneaks up on you?”
She ignores me and gets up, stroking my hair and wrapping one strong arm around my back. I continue.
“Feelings and memories are so strong. As soon as I saw him, my emotions were taken back in time. Back to a place and person I used to be, but I’m not anymore.”
“Lacey, maybe we can put Jacob in a different class, or a different school. We’ll explain it; they’ll understand.”
“No. We will not,” I say firmly. “I will not do that to him. He’ll be devastated if I take him away from the first real friend he’s made. You know he wasn’t thrilled about starting school. I won’t hurt him in that way. I’ll deal with it; things are not the same. I’m not the same girl as before.” I sigh.
Besides, it’s only the beginning of things he has to deal with in his life. I’m not going to add to the difficulties he’ll have to face from ignorant, small-minded people who don’t know a damn thing about him or who he is. I’ll deal.
Knowing I won’t give in on this, she asks, “What did he say?”
“Not much. He was as shocked as we are.”
“He knows Jacob is yours. What did he say about that?”
“What was he supposed to say?”
“I don’t know.” Her hand goes up as if she wants to pull her hair out. “God in heaven, I don’t know.”
“I don’t know what I was expecting. Maybe yelling, or a cold look of hate and disdain for my choice. For making a decision he couldn’t understand.”
I wouldn’t have liked it, but he’s the one person I could understand for it.
“My hold on Jacob was automatic. I was ready to shield him from the worst, but that’s not what I got. He looked at him. A head-to-toe appraisal. I was ready for anything but what he did.”
“What did he do? If he so much as uttered a single word against my grandchild—” her voice risesin grandmotherly fury. “He’s an innocent child!”
“Mom, no. He was warm, really friendly to him. The Landon I remember. He got down on his level, held out his hand to shake it, said he was happy Jackson found a friend like Jacob.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
I thought for sure if the day ever came that he saw him, I would see blame and disgust written all over his face. There wasn’t. I stood and watched. Saw them interact. Like how I imagined a father and son. It gripped my heart.
“Got me thinking, maybe Landon coming back and being in our lives won’t be so bad. This could work. It couldn’t work for us before, through no fault of our own. But for our kids, maybe it can.”
“So much has happened. There’s still so much more to face as he gets older, Lacey. Jacob asking about his birth father once in a while is just the beginning of things to come.”
“He’s not his father,” I say, with a low simmer of anger I don’t often feel when I think about who fathered my child. Because I try my damnedest not to think about it.
Sensing my increasing agitation, she nods, staying silent.
Now I feel bad for snapping at her. She’s been so great over the years. She has stepped up in a way I wouldn’t have believed. If it wasn’t for her and Shay, I couldn’t have raised Jacob to be the way he is. The three of us have spent the last six years shielding him from negativity and covering him with love.
“Mommy! I’m hungry! Is Grandma home? She said she was going to take me out on my bike today when Aunty Shay gets here. She’s going to take off my training wheels!”
We look at each other and smile. “Grandma’s here!” my mom yells up.
I wag my finger at her and yell back, “We don’t need to scream. Please come down if you need to talk to us.”
“But you’re screaming, Mom.”
“Jacob.”
“Sorry, Mom. I love you.”
“Love you, too.”
“You hear that?” I say, to my mom. “Things are going to be fine.” I turn around and get back to making dinner for my family, the four of us.
I hear my mother say in a small voice as she turns away, “I hope you’re right, for you as much as for Jacob.”
So do I.
Then
THREE MEETINGS. THE FIRST TIME I MET HIM, I DIDN‘T KNOW HOW HE WOULD IMPACT MY LIFE FOREVER. HE BROUGHT FEAR, LOATHING…
What’s with the gum?”
“I figure I have enough vices. Recreational drug use, occasional drinking, tattoos, I figure mom has enough, don’t you? I’m trying to knock one off, so I picked smoking.”
She makes a good point. I’m surprised she’s even thinking about what Mom thinks. She’s trying. That’s a good thing for them, and Mom’s sanity. Maybe now Mom will stop threatening to throw a vat of holy water on her to release the hounds of hell nipping at her heels. The thought of that had Shay and I laughing hysterically.
“Hey, do you think Landon’s happy?”
“What do you mean?” Shay pauses for a second, pulling at her short black hair, then looks at me before turning back to continue applying her makeup in my bedroom mirror. “He’s a guy—as long as he gets fed and laid regularly, he’s packing and good to go.”
I stand next to her in the mirror, brushing my hair, chewing on my lip.
She stops, looking at me through the mirror with almost the same dark brown eyes as mine. “You did give it up to him, didn’t you? You’ve been with him for well over a year, Lacey!”
My eyes go wide. “Shut up before mom comes home and hears you!” Looking away, I pretend to brush my blouse off. “Yes, we did after my birthday.”
She smiles, pushing my shoulder. I give her a shy smile. I hate talking about this stuff. The only person I feel comfortable talking about stuff like this with is Landon. I know, how pathetic. He makes me feel good and at ease. There’s no shyness with him. Just love. He understands me. He didn’t pressure me or even ask me once. I brought it up. hHe only wanted to make sure I was ready, that I felt safe and one hundred percent sure I wanted to give this to him. And I did.
“I thought you were going to say you were going to take Mom’s never-ending advice and wait to be married. That would have been a dicey risk. Imagine on your wedding night finding out this is bad shit, and now you’re stuck with it for the rest of your life?”
“That is what I’m saying, Shay. Landon is the first person I’ve been with. What if...he’s been with a lot more people. What if he gets bored? The first time wasn’t good. But it’s gotten way better,” I quickly say. “I love him, Shay. I know he cares for me, but we’re going to be going to the same college in a couple of weeks.” I twist my lips, hesitating to explain my thoughts.
“What if he decides he needs a change, that our relationship is too confining? We’re with each other a lot as it is. Lately, he’s been busy. I haven’t seen as much of him. Plus he’s working at the bar, and I’m starting this job at the church that mom forced on me.” I huff. “Do you think he’s losing interest?”
She puts down her mascara and sits on the edge of the dresser, facing me. “Are you kiddi
ng me? If his head was stuck any further up you he’d suffocate.”
“Shay,” I say, almost blushing.
“It’s the truth. He’s made an impressive turnaround in a year: from manwhore to lovesick sap. You know a guy is in it for you when he turns down free pussy. I even threw it at him once, to test him out.”
“Are you for real?” I say, biting down on my molars, giving her a death stare.
“Don’t combust. I wouldn’t do that to you. You know it. I was doing it for you. He passed the test.”
I place my hand on my hip. “Some sister you are.”
“I am! If it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t have gotten your butt in gear and womaned up to your feelings. Here you would be, mere days from graduating, celebrating getting into college, without the proper sound dicking you’re going to get at the end of the night.”
“Geez, if mom hears you talking like this she’s going to have a fit. I’m having cold sweats just thinking about it. She’s going to break out the Bible and the vat of holy water for both of us.”
“So what’s fucking new?” She turns around, running her hand through her short black hair, fluffing it up. “She has a fit every other second of the day when she thinks about me.”
“If you’d stop antagonizing her on purpose—”
“Oh, please, Lace, by living my life? Not choosing to go to church every Sunday and sit in front of Pastor Ricardo like the good little girl she wants, with my legs closed? What kind of life is that? I didn’t pretend that was my life when I lived in this house.”
That’s for sure. “I thought she was going to stroke out the first time she saw your tattoo.”
She laughs, putting the finishing touches on her makeup. “Fifteen and hell-bent on doing things my way. Those were the days.” She sighs, wistful.
“They still are the days. You haven’t changed.”
“Don’t I know it? Come on, let me do your makeup for you, give it some extra oomph.”
“I’ve already done my makeup.”
“My point is made. Let me give you a rocking outfit. Bad-girl style. For Landon.”
I scrunch my nose in rejection. “Landon likes me this way. In spite of all his tattooed, reformed bad boy ways, he says he loves me the way I am.”
“I’m sure the reformed bad boy in him does. But once a bad boy, always one. I’m sure he would like a little black lace and leather.” She winks at me. “Trust me—you don’t interact with a person for four years without getting a sense of these things. He’s friends with Trigg, and you know I’m all about the Trigger. Boom, boom!”
“Are you still messing with him? He’s cheated on you like how many times?”
“I know. I can’t help it. When that boom hits, I’m a goner. I knew what I was getting into when I messed with him.”
“Mom can’t stand him. He doesn’t even try. At least Landon makes an effort to cover his tats and stuff. And he doesn’t leer at mom to make her uncomfortable.”
For the life of me, I don’t know why Trigg likes to get under her skin the way he does. You’d think he would want to get in good with the mother of the girl—well, I don’t know what he and my sister really are, to tell the truth.
She grins. “Yes, ma’am, I know how to pick ‘em.” She spins, looking at her ass in her tight, black leather dress.
My sister is hilarious and totally her own person. It’s like she lives to irritate our mom, in a non-malicious way.
I’m having a mind-blowing time. I’m hyped, laughing and dancing; I don’t care if anyone is watching. Landon clinks beer bottles with Trigg. They do some crazy, stupid hand thing, acting like fools while Shay and I dance with some of their friends from college. We weren’t expecting to see them, but I guess that was bound to happen. Bounce is an unofficial college bar hangout. Landon works here. They didn’t give him a hard time for bringing his underage girlfriend, and no one asked for ID when I ordered a drink.
“Hey, baby, you having a good time?” he says in my ear.
I’m giddy and excited, looking at his thick head of black hair that’s never really combed but somehow works on him, along with a pair of dark, almost black eyes that twinkle. At least to me they do, especially when he’s in an insanely good mood like tonight.
I shake my head, dancing to the music, and say, “No I’m having an amazingly good time with the best boyfriend in the world.” I throw my arms around his neck, and he kisses me on the lips. I go in for a better, longer kiss, and he pulls my arms from around his neck, startling me a bit. What the heck?
“If you think it’s amazing already then wait until you see the surprise I have for you.” He pulls me by the hand behind him, and I follow through the crowd of lively, alcohol-lubricated college kids. What else are you going to do when your amazing boyfriend tells you he has a surprise for you? He stops abruptly, twirling me in front of him, and covers my eyes with his hand at almost the exact moment the music stops.
What the—? I giggle when he presses up against my back, tickling the edge of my ear with the tip of his tongue. “What are you up to? And why is it so quiet all of a sudden, Landon?”
“Keep quiet, beautiful. Walk on, you’ll see. Trust me.”
“Always.”
“All right, Lacey baby, open your eyes.”
He moves his hand, and I almost have a heart attack when a group of people I hardly know scream, “Happy birthday, Lacey baby!”
I cover my heart, in total shock. The table at the booth we were at has a gigantic pink cake with white and black piping that looks like lace going around it. The table has a black lace tablecloth, tiny sparkling rhinestones attached to it. My lips are trembling, and I’m about to cry when he rests his chin on my shoulder.
“You like it, baby?”
“Do you need to ask? I freaking love it.” I spin around, tilting him off balance, throwing my arms around him and kissing him for everything he’s worth.
The crowd and the two other people I mainly know erupt in whoops and hollers. “Way to take him down, Lacey baby! Woo! Get it!” I can feel my face getting uncontrollably warm.
Touching my face, he turns me back to the table with a great big smile. He helps me into the booth, placing a crystal-handled knife in my hand. “Happy birthday, baby.” He lifts my chin, pressing his lips to mine. “Blow out your candles, but make a wish first.” I close my eyes, make my wish, and blow out all eighteen black candles. He says, “I hope it comes through.”
I look at him, a little embarrassed, as if he could know what my wish is, and agree with him. I hope it does, too. I wished we would be together forever and a day.
The cake is taken away to be sliced up and served to anyone who wants a piece of triple chocolate heaven. Hopped up on sugar and a tiny bit tipsy, I go to the bathroom when the guys and Shay go to the back to play pool. When I come out I dance my way over to the bar to get for a glass of water. I turn around with my drink and collide into a solid chest.
Water splashes on both of us. I apologize profusely and hope he’s nice about this minor accident. “Oh my God, I’m sorry!” I brush his polo shirt off with my hand, looking up at him. First thing I notice is a perfect smile and the deepest pair of brown eyes I’ve ever seen, framed by a fabulous head of perfectly black hair. No other word comes to mind but perfect. Too perfect. He smiles down at me warmly and holds my hand against his chest. I give a nervous laugh and apologize again. “I’m so sorry for being so clumsy. It’s my birthday, and I’m a little tipsy. I’m sorry.”
“Lacey baby, is that your name?”
“No, Lacey. Just Lacey.”
“Lacey just Lacey, you can spill whatever you want on me. It’s your birthday.”
He rubs his thumb across the back of my hand, which is still being held against his chest. I feel something stir in me and try to pull my hand back, but he holds fast until my smile fades, and with more force, I yank it back to my side.
He looks into my eyes, flashing an even more charming smile, if possible, offering his own
apology. “I’m sorry. I was caught off guard by how pretty you are close-up. I saw you celebrating back there with your friends.”
“Yeah, my sister, her friend, and my boyfriend. He brought me the cake,” I say like an idiot. “I’m going to get out of your way and head back to my table now.”
“I have a better idea. Why don’t you dance with me? It’s your birthday, after all.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Come on.” He steps in my way.
“Um, I can’t. My boyfriend’s going to be looking for me.”
“Are you sure? One dance. Please, think about it.”
He steps closer to me and holds my hand to him again. I start to feel closed in by his smile and every perfect thing about him. Something in me tells me to get space between us, so once again I pull my hand free, this time holding the glass between us. “I don’t want to be rude, but I said no,” I say with more force.
The warm, charming smile on his face disappears, but is replaced by another so fast that I’m not sure if he did stop smiling. He steps back, but instead of leaving, he brushes a stray hair away from the side of my face, making me shiver. “Rain check, then.”
Disturbed by his closeness and intimate touch, I turn my head away, saying, “No.” From behind him, I see Landon. Not happy. The anger in his voice and eyes lets me know he saw and heard it all.
“Get the fuck away from her. She said no.”
“You must be the boyfriend,” he says with a crooked smile, unlike the one he had for me. It’s a little less perfect. Insincere. “I’m just being friendly, wishing the birthday girl a happy birthday. You’re a lucky guy.”
“I know you?” Landon says tersely, ignoring his compliment, eyes fixed on his.
“Do you?” He takes a look at Landon, sizing him up.
Landon does the same, without a smile, his hand flexing at his side. Shoot, I hope this doesn’t end badly. I don’t want him to get into a fight over me and lose his job, plus ruin a great night.
Cry For You_A Second Chance Romance Page 2
