I launched across the space and my body collided with Ben’s in a force I felt all the way to my bones.
Samantha’s father stumbled out of the way as I took Ben down. We crashed to the ground. I scrambled to pin him down and I cocked my elbow back. Trying to break free, Ben lifted his upper body, and I rammed my fist so hard into his face that his head rammed into the pavement. A sick sort of satisfaction fell over me when I felt his nose crunch beneath the force.
I didn’t even give him time to register the hit. I landed another punch, this time to the temple. A garbled sound spluttered from his throat. It was another insult. More abuse targeted at Samantha. More lies. More accusations.
“So he is what this is all about?” he demanded, spewing hot hatred in Samantha’s direction, his body bucking up, trying to knock me off. “This piece of shit is the reason you’re leaving me?”
And I felt myself slipping, sucked beneath the crashing waves by this powerful undertow.
Somehow the asshole got lucky and clocked me on the side of the mouth, and my head rocked back. All that did was fuel the force of my next blow, which connected under his jaw.
I clutched him by the collar of his shirt, lifting him, then slamming him back down. “You touch her again and I will end you. Do you understand what I’m telling you?”
“Fuck you,” he slurred, grappling at my wrists as he tried to throw off my hold. “You think you can just waltz back into her life and fuck with her head? Take her from where she belongs? You’re nothing but garbage.”
Where she belongs?
I rammed him down and pressed my forearm up under his chin, against his throat, my nose almost touching his as I growled in his face. “She belongs with me, asshole, and you saw to it that she was taken from me, didn’t you? All these years, you led her to believe I’d been messing around on her.” I increased the pressure. “Never. I’d never do that to her. And now she’s hurting… hurting worse than she ever has, and you’re going to make this day about you?”
A heavy hand landed on my shoulder. “Enough.” I jerked to find Samantha’s father frowning down at us. “Enough,” he said quieter, when it was clear he’d broken through the craze that had taken over my mind.
Reluctantly, I released my hold and pushed to my feet, and Ben wheezed as he inhaled a sharp breath.
I dabbed with my tongue at the tiny cut at the side of my lip, tasting the rusty flavor of blood.
“You okay?” Samantha’s father asked, tilting his head to the side, his eyes dropping to the cut like he was worried about my condition. He was panting, and there was no missing how rattled he was. Here the guy had just had his world turned upside down, and me and this bastard Ben were scuffling in the fucking parking lot like a couple of dumb-ass kids. And that shit sucked, but there was no regretting standing up for Samantha.
“Yeah,” I mumbled.
Ben rolled over and propped himself up on both hands, coughing toward the ground. He glared up at me. “She was just fine before you came back. We were just fine.”
Her anguished voice hit me harder than Ben had. “Fine? You think I was fine? All those years you were lying to me, knowing how much those lies hurt?” She bit back a sob. “You have always decided what you thought was best for me. You don’t get to do that anymore, because those decisions were never in my best interest. Every direction you ever tried to push me? You did that for yourself! I told you last night I don’t want to be with you anymore. And after today… what you did? I don’t ever want to see you again.”
Ben struggled to standing and rubbed the back of his hand under his bleeding nose, smearing blood across his cheek as he looked to Samantha’s father. “Stephen… help me talk some sense into her. Tell her what a fool she’s being.”
Turmoil radiated from Stephen’s rigid movements, a jumble of disappointment and agony. “We lost our son today…”
I flinched at the sorrow contained in his words, and my insides twisted in two when the jagged cry left Samantha with her father’s statement. All I wanted was to rush to her, to wrap her up, to promise her it would be okay. But out of respect, I averted my gaze to my feet, because I wasn’t sure either she or Stephen Schultz would want me a witness to their pain.
His tone took on an air of disbelief. “And you come out here, making demands of my daughter.” His voice tightened in emphasis. “Then you strike her and you have the audacity to think I’d take your side?” In disgust, he shook his head. “Go. Just like Samantha said, I don’t ever want to see you near my daughter again.”
“Stephen —”
“Go,” Stephen cut him off.
Ben’s attention darted around at everyone who was staring at him. With her hand pressed to her mouth, Samantha’s mother quietly cried, and Stephanie clung to her side while Sean took on a defensive stance that warned he’d be all too happy to jump in if needed.
As if they were all scum under his feet, Ben lifted his chin like the cocky asshole he was, boastful pride filling up his expression. One that left me itching to knock it off his face. With a sneer, he looked to Samantha. “Your loss.”
Then he turned and stalked away.
A muddled sob escaped Samantha, a mixture of relief and sorrow and confusion. Tortured blue eyes landed on me.
So much for playing it cool, hiding in the shadows, because I’d just dragged all our shit out into the open.
“God, Samantha, I am so sorry,” I whispered, hoping she’d hear all the pain and regret in my words. For Stewart. For all the pain I’d caused her. For Ben doing her so wrong.
“You lied t-t-to me,” she stuttered through the tears streaming down her face, clutching her chest. “You lied to me,” she choked. “And my brother…” Her tone was hopeless, distant and full of denial.
Grief squeezed the air from my lungs, and my face pinched up with remorse. With the loss. “I’m so sorry,” I said, the words coarse and choppy. “I know this has gotta be the worst day of your life.” Warily, I looked around at her family, and I tripped over my words when I met with all the suffering pouring from their eyes. “The worst day of all your lives. And God, I never intended to make it worse.” Grimacing, I turned back to that sweet girl, that girl who was so good and perfect and beautiful it fucking pained me to look at her and not be able to touch her. “Please understand I just needed to be nearby, here for you if you needed me.” I drove an anxious hand through my hair. “And when he showed up… when he hit you… I couldn’t stand aside and do nothing. I’m sorry if I hurt you more… any of you… It’s the last thing I want to do.” I inhaled deeply, drawing air into my vacant lungs. “I am so tired of hurtin’ you, Samantha. Don’t want to do it anymore.”
Her mother blinked through her confusion, trying to catch up, but it was clear from her father’s expression that he was already there.
Dropping her eyes closed, Samantha whimpered before she chanced looking back at me. “How can I ever believe what you say, when every time you turn around, you lie to me? I thought… I thought this time it was real.”
Real.
And it didn’t matter that we had an audience. I took a step forward and laid myself bare. “You don’t think what we have is real? Falling in love with you? That was the best gift I’ve ever been given.” I swallowed over the lump that throbbed in my throat. “And losing you? For me… it was a tragedy. I condemned myself to a life of nothing, refusing to feel anything real. I cut myself off from feeling for a whole lot of years. Not a care in this world, because I just had lost the capacity to care. Aly… Jared… Ella Rose – each of them took a part in beginning to lift me from it. But, Samantha… you coming back? You rescued me from it. Because you’re real… and when I’m with you, you make me that way, too.”
But it came at a cost.
Loving someone. Caring about someone more than you care about yourself. The selfishness that reigned supreme no longer wearing its crown.
I knew it and accepted and wanted it.
No longer would I run from it.
I retreated further, feeling myself ripping apart as I gave her the space I knew she needed, the time I knew she deserved. Her mother walked to her side, winding her in supportive arms while Samantha looked on me with so much confusion and need it almost dropped me to my knees. I flattened my hand over my pounding heart. As I continued to walk backward, I cast her a sad smile and whispered the words I knew her heart would understand. “Just you and me and forever.”
And fuck if it didn’t damn near destroy me when I turned and left her.
But I had to go, because this was no longer about me. Not about what I wanted and what I was desperate for.
This was about a girl.
One I’d wronged.
One who was in pain.
One who needed to be set free – free from coercion and the chains that held her down. Free from pressures and compulsions and expectations.
Free to love.
For once, completely free to decide.
The sun shined high in the endless desert sky, bright and glaring and warm. It was a stark, blinding contradiction to the dark veil that covered the somber gathering. Discomfort shifted my feet, and I tugged at the black tie that felt like a noose made for the sole purpose of strangling the life out of me, constricting my throat, which bobbed heavily with emotion. Emotion so overbearing it clenched my teeth and burned in my eyes, a physical weight to my limbs and a burden to my failing heart.
God, it hurt.
And any sorrow I was feeling? It paled in comparison to what Samantha was feeling. What her family was feeling. A shock of grief and sympathy slammed me when I let my mind wander to what she had to have been going through for the last four days, since Stewart had passed.
I hadn’t seen or talked to her in all that time, giving her the space she needed though every part of me wanted to be there.
I almost didn’t show my face today, either. But this morning Aly had insisted that Samantha would want me here, even though she wouldn’t give me a straight answer about whether Samantha had asked for me or not.
Either way, I knew in my gut I needed to come, that just like that awesome kid had touched every life here, he’d also touched mine. In a profound and undeniable way. In a way that had always made me better, even if for too many years of my life, I’d tried to ignore it, what it’d meant and by extension, what he’d meant.
I held back at the fringes of the sea of black, masked by the shade of a massive elm tree that stretched for the heavens, and something about it felt like a flagrant symbol of Stewart’s life. Solid and bold and beautiful. Strong. Even though a disease had made him frail and weak, he had the strongest spirit of anyone I’d ever met. He had made his mark on this world, and there was no amount of time that could erase it.
I tried to keep it inconspicuous as my gaze roamed the faces, desperate to see the one who held me hostage, heart and mind. But I never caught so much as a glance, and I knew she’d be sitting in one of the two rows of chairs that were set up close to the casket, reserved for family.
A soft, broken voice drifted over the assembly. Samantha’s mother stood at the podium, speaking the words that were in my own heart about the imprint that a beautiful soul had permanently etched on her.
“Even if I will never see his face again here on this earth” – she touched her chest – “I will forever feel him here.”
And it was like you could see her words weave through the crowd, the way everyone swayed with the impact of them, like they, too, were tucking them away, fortified by this woman’s bravery and belief.
When she began to cry, Samantha’s father came up behind her and helped her down.
God, this was brutal.
Prayers were said and a haunting hymn was played as the casket was lowered. I fisted my hands, trying to ward off the grief of it all, the sadness that felt all encompassing. An invitation was made for everyone to attend a reception held at Samantha’s father’s church, and the crowd began to disperse.
I remained in the shadows, waiting, because I couldn’t force myself to leave.
Aly and Jared emerged, the two hand in hand, my sister in a black skirt and sapphire blouse, Jared looking just about as uncomfortable and awkward as me in a dark suit.
Aly came right up to me and hugged me to her. “I’m sorry, Christopher.”
I nodded, knowing I was owed no sympathy, but understanding what my sister implied all the same. “I know.”
Jared put his hand on my shoulder, the gleam of his blue eyes knowing, because dude knew exactly why I was all spun up, how important all of this was, though I’d done my best to convince him otherwise. “Let us know if there’s anything we can do.”
I gave him a short nod. “Yeah. Thanks, man.”
They headed toward Jared’s truck. The crowd thinned, and I tensed when Samantha’s parents appeared, flanked by both of her siblings. Sally Schultz lifted her face, lines cutting across her forehead, set deep at the corners of her eyes. I swallowed hard when they approached, suddenly feeling like it had been a really bad idea to show up. The last thing I wanted to do was show them any disrespect, to make this day any harder than it already was.
When they began to pass just a few feet away, I dropped my gaze to my feet. I startled with the soft hand that squeezed my biceps and looked up in time to catch the mournful smile Mrs. Schultz cast my way. “Thank you for being here.” She cleared her throat, met my eye. “Go to her… She needs you.”
Then she dropped her hold, Stephen Schultz gently leading her away. But not before he clapped me once on the back.
And I knew there was a whole ton left unsaid between us. Years of hurt and misunderstandings and bitterness.
No, there was no chance it’d be fixed in a day. But I also recognized their need to support their daughter, that the decisions they’d made in our past had never been out of spite but out of care for their daughter.
Slowly the area completely cleared out, until only she and I remained. She stood facing away, staring down at the black casket, which had been lowered into the ground, hugging herself in much the same way she had four days ago when she’d left the hospital. The long length of her hair whipped around her, her spirit protesting what was laid out in front of her.
Every inch of my body tightened as I silently edged forward, my insides all tangled and coiled with sorrow and remorse and this hope that I refused to let go.
Four feet from her, I stopped, though there was a part of me that felt at one with her, a partner to her pain, to the torment that both twisted her up and broke her down.
What felt like an eternity passed, one we shared. Through the space, I held her while she lifted her face to the sky, and I knew she was saying good-bye.
My chest squeezed when she finally turned to look at me from over her shoulder, her beautiful face laced with sorrow. “I can’t believe he’s really gone,” she murmured.
“It seems impossible,” I whispered. All those pictures Samantha had been showing me were still vibrant behind my eyes, impressions of memories that had taken hold. “I hate it… hate it for you… hate it for your family.”
Pain lashed across her face, everything exposed, completely laid bare. Her hands clenched and unclenched at her sides. Like she was lost in some anxious anticipation.
Like she knew after this moment nothing would ever be the same.
“Do you love me, Christopher? What you said outside the hospital… Tell me it’s true, and don’t make me a fool for believing it.” It was a plea straight from her heart. Tran
sparent and vulnerable.
I took one tentative step toward her, then another, and Samantha slowly turned to face me as I got close enough to slip my hand up to cup one side of her face, prepared to lay myself at her feet. I grazed my thumb along the sweet swell of her bottom lip. “The first time I caught sight of this mouth? I’m pretty sure there was a piece of me that fell in love with you, because once you hooked me, you never let go.” My hand trailed down along her delicate neck, and she shivered when it came to rest over the thunder pounding in her chest. “But I knew it as soon as you showed me this amazing heart.”
In a rush of relief and surrender, she collapsed against me, and I didn’t hesitate to scoop her into my arms when her knees buckled beneath the weight of this unfair world.
Clutching my shirt, she choked over a sob that swam with sorrow and brimmed with hope. “Stewart always told me I deserved to be swept off my feet.”
I exhaled heavily with the relief and joy of her words on such a sad day, and I pressed my face to the top of her head, making a silent promise to carry her wherever she wanted to go.
A breeze blew through, and I felt it deep, that fucking awesome kid who’d shined all his light, just a smile, and the world was a better place.
And I could hear him whispering for me to take care of her.
Not because she needed it.
Not because she was weak or naive.
But because she deserved to be loved in the same way she loved.
With everything.
Samantha buried her face under my chin, her voice hoarse but sure. “Take me home, Christopher.”
TWENTY-NINE
Samantha
Soft rays of morning light roused me as they streaked through the windows, nudging my awareness as I was drawn from one of the longest, deepest slumbers I’d ever experienced. My heart’s misery had kept me awake for days, and yesterday the severe exhaustion had finally caught up to me.
Here, I’d found respite.
I rolled to my back, taking the huge mound of covers with me. I felt so small lying in the middle of his ginormous bed, buried in a heap of blankets and sheets and pillows.
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