Her patrons began to notice a change in her. They worried about the state she seemed unable to pull herself from. She was losing weight, but she attributed that to the erratic eating and sleeping schedule she was living by. Finally, nausea joined the growing list of complaints.
Maggie found herself doubled over one day at work. It had been a quiet day except for the scurrying and chirping of Hemingway the cat in her attempt to catch some sort of creepy crawly thing. Maggie tried to call a few people, but no one was answering. She finally determined that this needed to be addressed and turned the sign to closed, shut off the computer and lights, and tried feebly to get to her car. Her mission fell short and she collapsed in the parking lot.
When she came to, she was lying in a hospital bed. She rang the button for a nurse.
“What happened? How did I get here?”
“Well, hello, Miss Austen. It is so good to see you awake. Let me call for the doctor.”
“O.K., but can you not just tell me what’s going on? I really don’t want to wait for answers. I’m a little frightened.”
“I understand. Dr. Thomas is actually here in the hospital and I know he would like to talk to you. It shouldn’t be but a few minutes.”
“Yes, of course, thank you.”
The nurse took her little ray of nurturing sunshine out of the room, leaving it a little gloomy. The minutes crawled until Dr. Thomas finally sat at her bedside.
“Miss Austen, how are you? I’m so glad to see you awake. What do you remember?”
“I remember my stomach hurting this morning at work. I closed up the shop and tried to get to my car. What is it? What’s the matter with me?”
“Well, first of all, that was not this morning. That was three days ago. You were touch and go there for a little while.”
“How did I even get here?”
“That’s the odd part. We found you lying on the sidewalk just outside the ER. We heard banging on the windows and when the orderlies went outside, there you were. There was a note pinned to your shirt giving us your name and asking us to take good care of you. It was written in the most elaborate handwriting. Do you know why someone would get you to the sidewalk and then just leave? Are you in an abusive relationship?”
Maggie felt a sob working its way up through her throat.
“No, not abusive, and, yes, I have some idea who might have done it. I have a friend. He’s from out of the area. He is a little eccentric and mysterious to say the least. I’m awfully glad he found me and brought me here, though I don’t know how I’ll ever pay for it.”
“That’s no problem. He left an envelope of money—enough to care for you and still take plenty home. I took the liberty of putting it in a safe in the president's office. I hope that's alright with you. Miss Austen, you will need taken care of, I’m afraid.”
“What is it? What’s wrong with me? Do I have a virus or something?”
“I wish it were that simple actually. You had some internal bleeding. It seems you have an ulcer and have had for some time. Were you aware of it? I don't find any reference to it in your medical records. I don't find much at all, actually.
“No, I wasn't aware, but I'm not surprised. It's been quite a ride so far, my life.”
“Well, we were able to stop it, but when we were working on that, we ran into something else. We found some cancer.”
“Cancer? Why? How? Where?”
“In your lungs, I’m afraid. Are you a smoker?”
“Oh, goodness, no! I smoked when I was a kid, but not in over 30 years.”
“I’m so sorry. I wish I had better news for you. We will need to talk about a treatment plan.”
“I’m not sure that I want one. I am not a big proponent of aggressive treatments that generally render you more damaged than they do you good.”
“I understand, but I must tell you that this is a very aggressive cancer and you are in stage three. Unless we do something, you could go very quickly. Do you have family?”
“I have more family than you could ever possibly have conceived of, if you'll pardon the pun. They have lives of their own now. I have 10 grandchildren so far.”
“Husband?”
“No husband. Two ex-husbands. We really don’t need to bring that up, do we?”
“I understand, but a brood like that, I would think you would want to be around for the kids? What exactly is going on here? I don’t mean to pry, and you certainly have the right to choose, but I just can’t imagine not trying to stick around for my family.”
“I know I must sound so selfish to you. I’m sure this is difficult to understand. It’s just that I have done a great job of raising them and they are all so self-sufficient and to be perfectly honest with you, I’m worn out. Life has been more of a chore lately than a joy.”
“You need someone to talk to. I’m going to schedule you with a friend of mine. He is a great listener.”
“Translation: head doctor. I’m not nuts. There are many who chose not to take heroic measures. This is all very new to me. Ten minutes ago, I didn’t know I was even sick. Why don’t you just give me a few days to absorb all of this and process through it? Then I’ll make a decision.”
“I get the feeling, Miss Austen, that you are dismissing me. Don’t you have any questions for me before I go?”
“How long?”
“As I said, this is very aggressive. The fact that it got to Stage 3 without you really knowing anything about it tells me that. I would give you six months to a year without treatment—longer with.”
“How will I go?”
“That is hard to determine. This type of cancer can metastasize, but right now it is isolated. You will become increasingly weak, have difficulty swallowing and eating. You will be tired. Eventually your body will just give out.”
“And pain? Will there be a lot of pain?”
“I wish I could tell you that there won’t, but that would be misleading you. Yes, there will be pain.”
“What are my chances with treatment?”
“There is a slim chance that treatment will be effective, but a chance nonetheless. Please speak with Dr. Bentley before you make any decisions. Is there anything else I can help you with?”
“I want to go home. Can you make that happen? I have cats that haven’t eaten in three days.”
“Your cats are fine. We found a note with you that said they would be cared for. I actually would like for you to stay for just a couple of day more so that we can give you some more IV fluids and get your strength back up. I could have Dr. Bentley come see you this afternoon. Will you speak with him?”
“Fine. I will speak with him, but ultimately this is my decision.”
“Agreed. Please understand that whatever you decide, I will partner with you to make you as comfortable as possible.”
“Thank you, Dr. Thomas. May I rest now?”
“I think that would be a great idea. Please don’t hesitate to have the nurses contact me if there is anything I can do for you.”
He left the room not a minute too soon. Maggie could hold back no longer. She broke down and cried the only way she knew how—with everything in her. The nurses heard and one of them came in and wrapped her arms around Maggie. She asked if Maggie wanted anything to eat or drink, or if there was anyone she could call. When Maggie declined, the nurse just held her and rocked her like a little child, absorbing the tears into her uniform. Maggie buried her face and let go of everything that had been building up inside of her go. With all of her heart, she wished that she hadn’t banished Jacob from her life. She allowed herself a few moments to grieve, which is a luxury she hadn’t really afforded herself much in the past. Then she sat up, wiped her eyes and took a deep breath.
“There, there. I know this must be incredibly difficult. We are all here for you. You are not alone.”
“I know. I just need to work through this. Would you mind leaving me alone? I’m really alright now. I have my bearings. I just have a lot of things to sort ou
t and some important decisions to make.”
“Of course, Ms. Austen. Just ring if you decide you need something.”
“Thank you.”
When the nurse had left the room, Maggie closed her eyes and whispered a request from the one person she most wanted to see, though three days ago she would have sworn otherwise.
“Jacob, will you please come to me?”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, please.”
“I’m here.”
“I have three questions for you. First, were you the one to get me here?”
“Yes.”
“Second, are you aware of what is going on with me?”
“Yes.”
“Third, how long have you known?”
“Since before I barged into your life.”
“I just thought of one other. Would that be alright?”
“Yes.”
“How could you get me here? Wasn’t touching me a rule you weren’t going to break again?”
“That was two more questions.”
“Please, Jacob. Don’t toy with me.”
“I apologize with all my heart. I was just trying to elicit a smile.”
“What about the touching?”
“These are the circumstance under which I am allowed to touch you. You had to find out you were dying first. Carrying you here was part of that process. This is the whole reason I was allowed to manifest myself to you at this time.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Margaret, I have visited you nearly your entire life. I have witnessed someone living through what most people would have buckled under. I have seen you not only survive, but go on to be a kind woman, although somewhat of a recluse. I think that hiding yourself away stems from wanting to protect yourself. If you are alone, no one can leave you.”
“So what changed?”
“When I found out you were ill, I was given permission to show myself to you for support. Margaret, I am your guide. I am sent to make your transition a little less scary. You are a good person. Father in Heaven is aware of what you are going through—all that you have gone through, in fact. He loves you very much. I am here to help.”
Maggie was silent. What could she say to that? She was without logical response. She spent a few moments deep in thought and Jacob allowed her that. Finally, she was able to articulate her thoughts to him.
“How can you help? Are you going to try to convince me to undergo treatment?”
“All decisions are yours. I am not allowed to influence you one way or the other. I am simply here to support you in whatever you decide, and to testify of what is to come. I will give you comfort in whatever way I can.”
“So you’re not even a ghost. You’re like an angel, and you’re telling me that there is something beyond this life? I always thought there was. I just didn’t have any idea what it might consist of.”
“It is magnificent! There are no words to describe, and that is coming from a wordsmith. If you knew, you might want to expedite your arrive there; however, I want to remind you of things that me be incomplete here. I want you to think long and hard of things that might need to be wrapped up—things that might encourage treatment to extend your stay.”
“Do you know what the outcome of treatment would be?”
“I am not allowed to know that. It might interfere with my work.”
“What do you think I should do?”
“What do you need to do before you leave? That’s what you need to ask yourself. What do you have to finish and how long will it take?”
“I need to spend some time with each of my children and their families. I’d always planned on visiting every place I ever lived. I’d like to write a book. I’d like to lose a few pounds, but that seems to be happening without any effort on my part. I want to pay off all my old debts. That’s it.”
“That’s it? I think there is more. Something more important than most of what you’ve listed.”
“Climb Mt. Everest?”
“You’ll figure it out.”
“More mystery, Jacob? This is getting so tedious.”
“Miss Austen? Who are you talking to?”
The nurse had come in to take Maggie’s vitals.
“Oh, I, uh, I was just thinking out loud.”
“I understand. Just let me check your blood pressure and take your temp and I’ll leave you to it. I know that things are rough right now, but you seem like a strong woman. I believe you’ll handle all of this very well.”
“Thank you.”
Maggie smiled a little that someone deemed her strong. She used to consider herself a powerful woman, but that armor had eroded over time and left a very vulnerable woman. Maybe the nurse was right. That which does not kill us makes us strong. Oh, wait. That’s right. This would kill her. But it was no reason not to give it the bet fight she could.
The nurse finished her tasks and left the room with a warm smile.
“Oh, goodness, Jacob, they are going to think me a lunatic on top of everything else!”
“You’re fine, Margaret. May I tell you how glad I am that you called me?”
“Go ahead.”
“I’m ever so glad you thought to call me.”
“I’m ever so glad you responded to the call.”
They grinned knowingly at one another and it signaled not only some pent-up emotional relief, but also the start of a journey that would bind them forever.
Chapter 14,
in which Maggie wearily makes
some very big choices
Maggie was able to leave the hospital 2 days later and was relieved to be back in her own digs. Jacob was at her side all day and watched over her all night. Maggie gave up the bookshop and concentrated on planning her trek to visit her scattered offspring and plan the other things she might have time to accomplish. She felt remarkably at ease, and had pretty much decided to try at least one round of treatment.
One afternoon Jacob asked her to retrieve her writing. She did so willingly and when she had the loose pages spread out, he asked her if she thought any of them were worth completing.
“I think that they are all probably worth finishing, but realistically, I’m not going to have time to.”
“Which do you think best expresses what you want to leave the world?”
“Wow, good question.”
She spent about 20 minutes perusing them and finally came up with three finalists.
“Why don’t you spend 2 days working on each one and then you can decide from there which one is most important to complete first. Remember, we are not discounting the idea that you may have time for more than one.”
“Actually, Jacob, I’ve decided to try a round or two of chemo. It won’t be easy and I know enough to realize that I’m going to be sick as a dog from the treatments, but I am stronger than I have been in a while and I have you to partially thank for it.”
She waited for his reaction.
All he said was, “Very good.”
There was no real emotion in that response. It hurt her deeply on more than one level. Did he not care? Was he disappointed? Was he worried about the repercussions? Did he think it might rob him of time with her?
Jacob sensed her bewilderment.
“Oh, Margaret, I wish I could give you more of a reaction, but I’m not allowed to. I can only respond without emotion, which is so much harder than they led me to believe. These are rules I did not make up, but rules I must nonetheless abide by.”
Maggie accepted his explanation, but still wore a look of consternation.
“Let’s just move on, shall we?”
Jacob wanted more than anything at this moment to hold her until she understood the depth of his love for her, but there would be time for that. He forced himself to refrain so as not to distract her from her itinerary.
“It’s not that I fear dying, you know. I don’t really. I just think I owe it to myself to feel like I’ve accomplished some things before I go. I have the adva
ntage over most people in that I know my death is imminent. People, and I’m just as guilty as the next person, seem to feel like they have forever and put things off. I have some impetus now to get things done.”
“I understand. So, shall I leave you to your writing? I don’t want to be an impediment.”
“Perhaps. If you are around, I want to spend all my time looking into those eyes and talking. But before you go, may I ask you another question?”
“You really do have an investigative personality, don’t you?”
“I absolutely do. Why didn’t you ever marry and have a family?”
“As I said, I was so involved in my work that I guess I always thought there would be time, as you were speaking about a few moments ago. Then, as time sped by, I considered myself too old to get started. I spent a lot of time with Wilhelm and his family. That worked to an extent. There were many nights that I felt emptiness in my heart and in my bed. It just never happened.”
“Have you loved anyone?”
“Yes, very much . . . just not before now.”
Maggie bowed her head in an uneasiness that made her blush.
“Scat, Mr. Grimm, I have work to do.”
“Margaret, I don’t want to appear forward, but may I kiss your hand?”
“Yes.”
She extended her right hand and smiled at the sweetness of the gift she was given.
Grimm's Last Fairy Tale Page 6
