by Betty Neels
`You know,' he told her, `I've been wanting to do that, and now that I have I feel much better.'
`Oh,' said Lavinia in a very small voice. `Whys? "
His smile mocked her. `For all the wrong reasons, my dear.'
She hadn't known what he was going to say, but she had hoped for something else without realizing it, so that sudden tears pricked her eyelids and filled her throat. His arms had slackened a little. She tore herself away from him and rushed to the door, to collide with Peta and Sibby, on the point of coming in. Lavinia caught a glimpse of their surprised faces as she ran up the staircase.
She mustn't cry, she told herself in her bedroom. She dabbed her eyes, powdered her nose and drank some water, and then, with her chin well up, went downstairs again, where she joined the others in the sitting-room, making light conversation as though her life depended upon it, and not once looking at Radmer, or for that matter, speaking to him.
The evening should have been a failure, she had felt convinced that it would be, but it was nothing of the sort; dinner was superb, the talk lighthearted and never flagging, and the party, adjourning to the drawing-room afterwards, broke up only after its members had expressed themselves enchanted with their evening. Lavinia, standing on the top step outside the front door, waving good-byes, felt no enchantment, however. The evening for her had been endless; all she had wanted to do was to have gone somewhere quiet and had a good cry.
The girls went to bed almost at once, and pausing only to make sure that the dining room had been set to rights, and plump up a few cushions in the drawing-room, Lavinia made haste to follow them, bidding Radmer a subdued good night as she went, not waiting to see if he had anything else to say to her but his own quiet good night.
She managed to avoid Radmer during the next few days, coming down to breakfast a little earlier than anyone else, so that she excused herself almost as soon as he got to the table, on the plea of having to see Mevrouw Pette about something or other, and if he came home for tea, there were the girls to act as an unconscious barrier between them, and as for the evenings, if he didn't go to his study, she engrossed herself in letter writing or grocery lists so that she wasn't called upon to take more than a desultory part in the conversation around her. She felt rather pleased with herself on the whole; she had remained pleasant and friendly, she considered, just as she always had been. Certainly there had been one or two small lapses; she preferred not to remember them.
But she didn't know how pale she had become, causing her to look positively plain as well as sad, nor did she know how false her gaiety was and how stiff she was with Radmer.
It was a week after the dinner party when she came home from her Dutch lesson at lunch time to find a worried Mevrouw Pette, and because there was no one there to help them understand each other, it took her a few minutes to get the gist of what the housekeeper was saying.
`The girls,' said Mevrouw Pette, anxiously. `They came home not half an hour ago, mevrouw, and they went to Sibendina's room and talked, and then they asked me for coffee, and when I asked if they couldn't wait until you came home at lunch time they said no, they had to go out. I gave them their coffee, mevrouw-I hope I did right?-and a little later, I came into the hall to fetch the tray and they were going out of the house, and they each had a case with them. They didn't see me, but I heard Sibendina talking about the train and the Zuidplein and the metro.' She broke off and cast a worried look at Lavinia. `There is a shopping centre at the Zuidplein, mevrouw, but that is in Rotterdam-there is also a metro there.'
Lavinia had gone rather white. She hadn't followed Mevrouw Pette's speech easily and for the moment she was totally bewildered. `Are you sure?' she asked. `I mean, there are masses of shops in Amsterdam, why should they go there? I'll look in their rooms, perhaps they've left a note-they must have left something. Will you look downstairs?'
There were no notes, but some clothes had gone; night clothes, toilet things, undies. Lavinia raced downstairs again and telephoned the school. It had been one of the mornings when Peta went with Sibby to join her class. Neither of them would normally come home until lunch time. While she waited to be connected she remembered unhappily that Peta had asked her only the previous evening if she were happy, and when she had assured her that she was, her sister had said forcefully: `Well, Sibby and I don't think you are-and Radmer isn't either.' She had run away to her room then, and Lavinia had thought it wiser to say nothing more about it. Now she wished that she had.
The authoritative voice which answered her query about the girls assured her that there had been no reason why they had left school early-indeed, no one, it seemed, had been aware of their absence. The voice, speaking very concise English, wanted to know if they were ill.
`No,' said Lavinia. 'I'll telephone you later, if I may.'
She went to her room then, found her handbag, stuffed some money into it, and without bothering to see if she were tidy enough to go out, went to find Mevrouw Pette. 'I'll go after them,' she explained to that good lady. 'I'll go to Rotterdam just in case they went there. Will you get a taxi for me? Perhaps they haven't gone there...'
`I heard them,' said Mevrouw Pette. `Shall I tell the Professor?'
Lavinia shook her head. `I'm not quite sure where he is, and he's got that very important post-mortem today. Besides, the girls may be back long before he comes home. If they are, don't let them go out again, Mevrouw Pette, and if I don't find them, I'll telephone you later.' She added hopefully: `It's just a joke, I expect-how did they look? Did you see them laughing?'
Mevrouw Pette shook her head. `They were very earnest.' She frowned. `And you, mevrouw, you have had no lunch-I will fetch you some coffee.'
But Lavinia shook her head; she had wasted quite enough time already and she had no idea how frequently the trains ran to Rotterdam or how long they took over the forty-five-mile journey, and even when she got there, she still had to find Zuidplein.
She sat in the taxi, fretting, and when she reached the Central Station wasted a few precious minutes finding the ticket office and the right platform. She arrived on it to see the tailend of a Rotterdam-bound train disappearing from sight.
The trains ran frequently, though; she watched the outskirts of Amsterdam slide away and reviewed the situation, but somehow, because she was tired and frightened about the girls, her brain refused to function. She stared out of the window, seeing nothing of the view from it, her head quite empty.
At Rotterdam station she wandered around for a short time, trying out her Dutch without much success, until a kindly ticket collector pointed out the way to the metro and told her to get on it and stay there until it stopped at the end of its run-that would be Zuidplein, he explained carefully.
It was easy after that. She left the metro thankfully, but dismayed that it was more than two hours since she hadd left home, and for all she knew, she reminded herself, she had come on a wild goose chase.
She followed everyone else hurrying off the platform and disappearing through various exits, and after several false starts, went down a flight of stairs and pushed open the heavy doors at the bottom, to find herself in a vast hall, brightly lighted and noisy with the hum of a great many people all talking at once. It was lined with shops of every sort and size, and Lavinia started to walk towards the centre, appalled at the prospect of trying to find anyone in such a crowded place.
She turned her back on the big stores of Vroom and Dreesman, which took up the whole of one end of the enormous place, and began to revolve slowly, getting her bearings. She was two thirds of the way round when she saw Radmer standing a little way off, watching her.
She didn't know how her joy at seeing him there showed on her worried face. She ran towards him without a moment's hesitation, bumping into the shoppers milling around her as she went, and when she reached him, she clutched at his jacket rather in the manner of someone half drowned hanging on to a providential tree trunk.
'Radmer!' she babbled. `How did you know? How did you ge
t here so quickly? They're here somewhere; Mevrouw Pette heard them talking-I don't know why they had to come so far ...I got on the first train I could-they couldn't have got here much before I did ... well,' she paused and added worriedly: `It must be hours by now. Radmer...' She stopped to gulp back all the terrifying thoughts she longed to voice.
He had her hands in his, nice and firm and secure, and although he looked grave, he smiled a little at her. `How fortunate that I should have gone home early-I wanted to talk to you. Mevrouw Pette told me what had happened and I drove down; I had just got there when I saw you. And don't worry, Lavinia, it shouldn't be too difficult to find them if they're here.' His voice was comfortably matter-of-fact as he tucked an arm in hers and went on calmly: `I think our best plan will be to walk right round this place, not too fast, just in the hope of meeting them. If we have no luck, we'll think of what is to be done.'
It took them almost an hour, for there were lanes of shops leading from the centre hall, and these led in turn to other lanes. There was even a market, packed with shoppers, and any number of snack bars and cafes. At any other time, with nothing on her mind, Lavinia would have found it all rather fun and enjoyed exploring the shops; now, looking in all directions at once, she hardly saw them.
Back where they had started from, Radmer said easily: `Now, supposing we go round once more, but this time we'll look in every shop.' He smiled down at her. `We can ask in all the most likely ones if anyone has seen them-you must tell me what they were wearing. Are you tired, Lavinia?'
She was, but she shook her head. She had hardly spoken as they had walked round, but now she said in a polite little voice: `No, not in the least, thank you. Where shall we start?'
He took her arm again. `What about Hema?' he asked. `Isn't that the sort of shop they would enjoy looking round?' He started across the shopping centre, skirting the small, circular boutiques, chic confectioners and knack-knack shops which occupied its hub. They were almost across it when she felt his fingers tighten on her arm. `There they are!' his voice was quiet, but she could hear the relief in it. `Over there, in that teashop.'
It was another circular structure, glass and wood, with a tiny terrace built around it, its interior brilliantly lighted. Lavinia could see Sibby and Peta, their two heads close together over a table in the window, deep in conversation. Even at that distance she saw that although they were in earnest conversation, they didn't look dejected.
Radmer was walking her briskly towards the teashop. At its door he said calmly: `Go and join them, my dear, I'll bring you a cup of tea.' His eyes met hers briefly and he smiled as she made her way through the crowded little place and sat down opposite Sibby. She was quite unprepared for her: `Oh, good-we've been praying ever so hard that you'd come,' and Peta chimed in with: `Did Radmer come after you, Lavinia?'
She nodded, not daring to speak, for if she had done so, she would have burst into tears and spoilt her image of stepmother and elder sister for ever. Fortunately Radmer joined them then, sitting down beside Sibby and facing her.
'I'm glad we found you,' he observed in a cheerful voice, and Sibendina said at once: `So are we, Papa. We were just wondering what we should do next-we counted on you coming after us; at least, we guessed Lavinia would, and if you came after her... it was a gamble.'
`Why did you run away, my dears?' His voice was placid with no hint of anger.
Peta answered him. `It seemed a good idea. We didn't do it on the spur of the moment, you know; we talked about it for days. We had a reason, didn't we, Sibby?' She paused, but he made no effort to prompt her, instead he put milk and sugar in Lavinia's cup and put it into her hands.
`Drink up, dear girl,' he urged her, and she drank obediently, swallowing her tears with the tea, still not daring to trust her voice.
`It isn't our business,' began Peta awkwardly, and looked at Radmer to see if he was going to agree with her, but all he did was to smile faintly, so that she felt encouraged to go on. 'Sibby and I-we thought that if we did something really drastic, like almost drowning, or being knocked down by a car or running away, you would both have to help each other and it would make you fond of each other, because you love Sibby and Lavinia loves me, and that would make you understand each other and share the same feelings...' She looked at him anxiously. `Perhaps that's not very clear?"
'On the contrary, I get your point very clearly.' He had stretched out a hand and taken Lavinia's small clenched fist in his, but he hadn't looked at her.
`We decided we'd run away,' said Sibby, taking up the tale, `because we both swim too well to drown easily, and to walk in front of a car just like that-' she waved an expressive hand, `we found that we were unable to do that-besides, we might have been killed instead of just a little wounded and then our idea would have been wasted. So we ran away, and if you had not come after us we would have known that you did not love each other.' She beamed at them both. `I explain badly, but you must agree that it was a good idea.'
Lavinia found her voice then, a little gruff but quite steady. `But, my dears, supposing we hadn't found you in this crowd of people? Whatever would I do without you both?'
Sibby said softly: `It would have been OK. You have Papa, you belong...'
Lavinia clenched her hands tightly so that the knuckles showed white. For a few moments she forgot where she was, she forgot, too, her well-ordered upbringing which had taught her so painstakingly never to display her feelings in public and always to speak in a well-modulated voice. She said loudly and rather fast: `You're wrong, I don't belong. It's your papa who belongs-to his work and your mother-or her memory. He-he...' She stopped, appalled at her words, to look at their
faces, Sibby and Peta expectant and inquiring, Radmer, daring to lounge in his chair like that and actually smiling... She glared at him, muttering, snatched up her handbag, pushed her stool violently away and made for the kiosk's second door. She had no idea where she was going and she really didn't care. She hurried blindly ahead, quite unaware that Radmer was right behind her.
The two girls watched their progress with interest until Sibby said: `It has worked, Peta, I do believe it has! In a few minutes they will have what you call a showdown, although I cannot think that this is a very good place.' She looked around her. `There is no romance here.' She shrugged her shoulders and grinned at Peta. `They will be back, but not yet-we have time for one of those delicious ices-the one with the nuts and chocolate.'
They went arm-in-arm to the counter to give their order.
Lavinia walked very fast through the throng of shoppers, colliding with one or other of them continuously and apologizing carefully in English each time she did it. She wanted to lose herself as quickly as possible, although common sense was already asking the nagging question where she should go and what would she do when she got there. And what would happen to the girls? Of Radmer she refused to think. She shut her eyes for an instant on the memory of his smile and bumped into a stout matron with a shopping basket. She was close to Vroom and Dreesman now, so she plunged into the mass of people thronging its open shop front, and allowed herself to be pushed and shoved from one counter to the other, getting lightning glimpses of watches, gloves, tights and costume jewellery. She managed to stop here, and stood staring at the bead necklaces and bangles and diamante brooches until the salesgirl looked at her inquiringly, so that she felt she should walk on, into a corner this time where there was a circular stand with a display of scarves on it. For the moment there was no one there, so she stood forlornly, staring at the bright silky things, her mind quite empty.
`Darling,' said the professor very quietly in her ear, and clamped a hand on to her shoulder. Lavinia cried `Oh!' so loudly that a smartly dressed woman who had paused to finger the scarves gave her a sharp look and moved away.
`I don't think that this is the ideal spot for a man to tell his wife that he loves her...'
She choked on a sob and then said woodenly, addressing the merchandise before her: `But you don't...'
&n
bsp; She was swivelled round in gentle hands and held fast, so that all she could see was a portion of waistcoat and the glimpse of a white silk shirt. She muttered into it: `You told me, you know you told me-that I could never come between you and Helga.'
A finger tilted her chin so that she was forced to look into his face, and the expression on it made her catch her breath. `Oh, yes, I said that, and it was true, you know-for how could you come between me and someone who is no longer there-has not been there for very many years? Helga means nothing to me, my darling-nor did she for the greater part of our life together. One day I'll tell you about that, but not now. We have other, more important things to talk of.'
She stared up into his calm, assured face. `But when we married-no, before that, when you asked me to marry you-you told me that you didn't love me. You said you wanted a friendly relationship, you said...'
He kissed her to a halt. `Quite right. What a fool a man can be, for even then the idea of not marrying you was quite insupportable, even though I pretended to myself that I was going to marry you for a number of very sensible reasons. And my darling, you were so very careful to let me know as often as possible that you wanted it that way, too. But that night at the farm, when I saw you standing at the bottom of the stairs, waiting for me in the smoke, I had to admit to myself that I loved you too much to go on as we had intendedeither I would have to tell you that or keep out of your way.'
