There was always the chance that, as they worked together and built a family together he would grow to love her. She would do her best to make him happy and that might bring him closer to her. She sensed that he was a believer in the sanctity of marriage. His voice had carried the weight of truth and belief when he had said his vows. That too was no small thing when so many men believed it was their right to have any woman they wanted, to have a wife and a leman.
She sleepily stroked his chest, thinking of how she could rest her head on it every night from now on. He was her husband and despite the things that still troubled her and the things she wanted but did not yet have, she was happy with that. In truth, she would not have it any other way.
Lucas smiled and covered her hand with his when it finally stopped stroking his chest and fell limp against his skin. He was going to have to tell his family everything that had happened and they would all wish to meet her. Somehow he was going to have to put that off without raising questions or hurting anyone’s feelings. He did not want to bring her to his family until he knew he had won her heart and, even more important, her trust. There were far too many people in his family who would be able to sense if there were some problems in his marriage.
He closed his eyes and smiled. He had her now. She could not slip away as he had feared she might. Now that they were bound together before God and the law, he had time, time to mend the hurts he had dealt her and time to win her heart. It would be enough for now.
Chapter Nineteen
“Women can be puzzling creatures.”
Lucas stared at his brother Artan. After the evening meal they had both slipped away to the ledger room. Seated before a fire, sipping at their tankards of wine, neither of them had said a word for almost an hour. Lucas was not sure Artan’s pronouncement was worth the wait.
“And ye have discovered this great truth after only one year of marriage?” he drawled.
“If I werenae so comfortable right now I would pound ye into the floor.”
“Ye and whose army?”
“Do ye want my opinion on how to mend things with your wife or nay?”
“Why do ye think things need mending?” Lucas did not like the idea that matters were so unsettled between him and Katerina that even Artan had noticed.
Artan gave him a look of utter disgust. “Mayhap because ye are sitting here with me instead of being upstairs with your new wife? Mayhap because the two of ye didnae say much at all to each other whilst we ate? Mayhap because both of ye look at each other only when ye are certain the other willnae notice it? Shall I continue?”
“I suppose ye ne’er had any trouble with your wife, that all went smoothly between the two of ye from the moment ye met her.”
“It might have if I hadnae kidnapped her from her wedding celebration and she hadnae had her bonnie head filled with all sorts of strange ideas about what a perfect wife should be.” Artan shrugged. “I suspicion I am nay an easy mon to live with, either.”
“Nor am I.” Lucas grimaced. “I certainly didnae help matters by accusing her of being the one who tried to have me murdered.”
Artan cocked one dark brow. “That wee lass?”
“Not on her own. Thought she had Ranald do it for her. Even briefly wondered if she and the mon were lovers or planning to be. By the time I found out the truth, I had been lashing her with my accusations and suspicions for quite a while. I didnae find the truth all on my own, in my own mind and heart, either. I had to hear it said by others. When I think about it now, I wonder if I was caught in some kind of madness. I am certain she will ne’er trust me again.”
“Of course she will. Might do so already. She is here and married to ye, isnae she? Carrying your bairn as weel. Ye just have to find the right words.”
“And those would be?”
“I have no idea.”
“Ye must have some idea. Ye have obviously settled your own troubles with your wife.”
“I ne’er accused her of trying to kill me. I can certainly tell ye what not to say. Dinnae tell her she is being silly.”
Lucas rolled his eyes. “I didnae need your great wisdom to tell me that would be unwise. No lass likes to be told she is being silly, especially when it concerns some emotion she is suffering from.” He stared at Artan wide-eyed when his brother suddenly blushed. “What is it?”
Artan grimaced and took a deep drink of wine, before clearing his throat and saying, “Ye have to tell her what ye feel for her.”
“Oh. I am nay sure Katerina will believe me. About the only thing she believes is that I desire her and I am nay sure she believes that will last all that long.”
“Ye have to tell her ye love her and make her believe it. Dinnae just think she will ken it all on her own. I cannae understand it, but women need to hear ye say it aloud now and again.”
Lucas suddenly grinned. “And ye dinnae like to hear your wife tell ye that she loves ye?”
“Of course I do, ye daft fool, but women like to talk all about how they feel. Tisnae so easy for a mon. But the rewards for spitting the words out are verra fine indeed. And ye might try to explain to her how ye could think her guilty of what ye accused her of and why ye didnae believe her when she told ye the truth.”
Lucas nodded and sipped at his wine. He would certainly like to hear Katerina tell him she loved him. He had felt almost certain she did before that night by the loch when everything had gone so wrong, but she had never actually said so. She had given him her innocence, however, and a woman like Katerina did not do something like that unless her feelings ran very deep indeed. Unfortunately, he could all too easily recall how quickly the joy that had shown in her eyes when she had discovered he was alive had turned to pain when he had spat his accusations at her. He knew it had been a deep cut he had delivered and it probably still pained her. He was not sure he could explain his actions for he did not completely understand them himself.
“I will be leaving on the morrow,” Artan announced.
“Such a short visit? Ye have only been here for two days.”
“I think ye and your wife need to be alone, or as much as ye can be in a keep full of people. Ye certainly dinnae need me lurking about. Sort things out ere the bad feelings harden too much. ’Tis ne’er good when that happens. Then I will come back for a longer stay and bring my wife and bairns. Or, ye and Katerina can come to visit us. Angus would certainly like that. ’Twould give him someone else to argue with for a wee while and that will make him happy.”
Lucas laughed and nodded. “Aye, I think I would like to have an argument or two with Angus again and I certainly wish to see what ye and Cecily bred. So, ere ye retire to rest up for your journey, shall I beat ye at chess again?”
“Too early for ye to be joining your wee wife, is it?”
“Until I can figure out what to say and how to say it, it might be best if we dinnae spend too much time alone together. I dinnae like tense silences where unsaid words choke the verra air out of the room.”
“I will fetch the board and pieces.”
Katerina entered the solar and smiled at Annie. The woman sat on the seat below the window doing her mending and looking very much at peace. She was pleased that Annie and Robbie had decided to stay on at the keep instead of accepting her offer of the cottage. Robbie’s interest in tending to the accounts of Dunlochan had been a complete surprise to her, but a pleasant one. Lucas had certainly been more than willing to hand that work over to Robbie.
“Where is Sir Lucas?” Annie asked as Katerina sat down next to her.
Noticing how Megan looked at her with interest, Katerina blushed, even as she wondered why she should be bothered by the question. “He sits in the ledger room visiting with his brother.”
“Oh, m’lady, ’tis a wonder to see the two of them together,” said Megan. “Two such handsome men, so alike in every way.”
“Aye they are verra much alike,” said Katerina. “I am nay quite sure how I can tell them apart so easily, but I can.”
<
br /> “Of course ye can. Lucas has a scar.”
Katerina laughed. “Aye, I ken it. ’Tis just that sometimes that scar is hidden because he is turned away, as is Artan, and sometimes they both have their hands over their right cheeks so ye cannae see them. They deny it, e’en when I threaten to rap on their heads with a boulder, but I think they were testing me to see if I could tell them apart. It doesnae matter. I ken that if they were still exactly the same, I could tell them apart.”
“’Tis a good thing, too,” teased Megan.
Katerina laughed but her good humor was fleeting. She was in a keep filled with her kin, loyal servants, and a husband, yet she felt painfully alone. It was nonsense of course, but she found it impossible to shake the feeling. She doubted it was all due to the emotional ups and downs people said often afflicted a woman with child. She obviously needed something from her husband, something more than he was giving her, and until she got it she would continue to feel as if a part of her was missing.
“Ye are looking verra troubled and sad for a woman with such a fine, strong, handsome husband,” murmured Annie.
“A husband who thinks I am capable of having someone murdered in a fit of jealousy.” Katerina winced as she saw how both women frowned at her.
“Ye still havenae sorted that out, have ye,” said Annie, shaking her head. “Ye cannae keep ignoring it, ye ken.”
“Why not?”
“Because it is gnawing away at both of ye. That isnae good. He has apologized, hasnae he?”
“Nay in so many words.”
“A mon doesnae do the things he has if he truly believes the woman is like that.”
“Nay,” agreed Megan. “He would be cold to her and Sir Lucas isnae cold to ye, is he.”
“Weel, nay, but passion doesnae have to have much to do with liking or respecting a woman,” Katerina said.
“How can ye think he doesnae respect ye? If he didnae respect ye, he wouldnae have wed with ye, bairn or no. If a mon doesnae respect a woman, he doesnae care if she is marked by having a bastard child. He just says thank ye for the pleasure, lass, and walks away. At best he may help her with the bairn, either taking it into his care or sending her a wee bit of coin now and then.”
There was a lot of truth to that, but Katerina was not sure it had much to do with the position she was in. “I am the daughter of a laird. That may be why Lucas felt he had to marry me.”
Annie put down her mending and nearly glared at Katerina. “The problem isnae him, is it. ’Tis ye. Ye cannae forgive him for hurting ye, for thinking ye could be so cold and heartless as to try and kill a mon out of jealousy.”
Katerina winced at the unwelcome truth in Annie’s words. “’Tis not an easy thing to forgive or forget.”
“Nay, I shouldnae think it would be, but ye have to do it. He kens the truth now and ye can have nay doubt about that”
“Aye, but he didnae really find that truth in his own heart or mind.”
“I ken it and that is verra sad, but it shouldnae keep ye so apart from him, nay when I ken weel that ye arenae happy with matters as they stand. He is shamed by what he thought ’Tis nay so hard to see that Why cannae ye see that?”
“Oh, I can see it and there is a verra unkind part of me that is glad he is suffering.”
Annie grinned. “Dinnae fret o’er that, I would feel the same.”
“So would I,” said Megan.
“However,” continued Annie, “ye cannae let these feelings ruin your marriage ere it has even begun. Ye have to let go of the hurt, m’lady. ye have a fine mon for a husband, e’en if he can be a bit of a fool at times, and ye have a bairn on the way. If ye keep holding yourself away from him hi some ways, ye will soon do so in all ways, and then ye will have no true marriage at all. Is that truly how ye want this to end?”
“Nay, I dinnae want that at all, but, Annie, unless he talks on the matter as weel, I cannae see how it can be fixed. I cannae help but fear that he has no faith in me and that lack will certainly cause trouble. I think if I could understand how he could think such a thing it would help. Mayhap he could e’en tell me just how deeply he believed such a horrible thing about me and, if he had to fight to hold on to that belief, and that too would help heal the wound. I am nay sure I ken exactly what I need him to say, but he has to say something. As I told ye once before, he has to try and make me understand what was going on in his head.”
“Aye, he does,” said Megan, and shrugged when Annie frowned at her. “I have many brothers. We may nay have all had the same mothers, but we are close. Men can get a wrong idea in their heads and hang on to it just because they hate to admit they are wrong. And I have heard some of my brothers explain how they came to a conclusion and the way they reached it was so twisted it made my eyes cross. Also, if a mon’s emotions are involved, he can be worse.”
“Ye think Lucas may have made such a decision about me because he was feeling some strong emotion about me?” asked Katerina, oddly soothed by the thought yet not really understanding it.
“I think, with some men, that if ye hurt them, they can be almost unrelenting. They wouldnae like it said but ’tis as if they are afraid and will do almost anything nay to feel hurt again. If that means hanging on to a belief even when it makes no sense, they will do it.
“My brother Garrett was sure his woman had betrayed him and nothing anyone could say would make him think otherwise. He was wrong, had seen something and completely misunderstood, but it took a lot of work to get him to realize he was wrong. It had hurt him so much to think she would go to another mon that he didnae want to chance being wrong and trying again. Mayhap that is your mon’s problem. If so, at least he had the sense to accept that he was wrong when he heard the truth right from the mouths of the ones who were truly guilty of the crimes against him.”
Katerina considered that for a while. She tried to think of when she might be unreasonable and all too easily came up with an example. It would not be hard to be made to believe Lucas had betrayed her with another woman. She could not even say that she would believe him if he denied it yet she was not sure why she would show such a lack of faith in him. She suspected she simply had a very hard time believing such a strong, handsome man could really belong to her and her alone.
Hastily covering a yawn with her hand, Katerina decided that was enough discussion about her problems. They were the same ones she had had for weeks now and they had the very same solution that she and Annie had discussed when she had first recognized the problems. It was time to stop ignoring that huge wall that sat squarely between her and Lucas. The next discussion she had about the problem would be with Lucas himself and she would not back down.
After saying good sleep to Annie and Megan, Katerina made her way to the bedchamber she shared with Lucas. She stepped inside and took a deep breath, still pleased that she could find no hint of Agnes in the room. It had seemed foolish to demand the room be scrubbed and most of the furniture changed, but she was glad she had not faltered in her demand. Katerina knew it would have been difficult for her to be at ease in the room if too many reminders of the woman who had helped kill her parents and so many other innocent people had surrounded her. Now when she looked around all she could see were things that belonged to her or Lucas or little treasures that reminded her of her parents.
Katerina stripped off her clothes, washed, and donned her night shift. She sat on a stool before the fire and began to brush her hair. Lucas would be up soon. He seemed to always know when she came into the room to ready herself for bed. That was probably one of those little curiosities about her husband that she would never figure out
A part of her wanted to greet him at the door with a demand that they talk about that huge wall growing between them, but she knew she would wait a little longer. If nothing else, Katerina knew she had to think of just the right words to say. She also had to build up her courage so that she did not falter at the first hint of reluctance from him, or some attempt to seduce her into forgetting what
she wanted to talk about, she thought with a little smile. Lucas was very good at that and she enjoyed herself far too much to put a stop to it once he got started.
“And what are ye smiling about?” asked Lucas as he entered the bedchamber, grinning when Katerina squeaked softly in surprise. “Didnae hear me?”
“I rarely hear ye approach,” she grumbled, and patted her chest as if that faint caress could slow the rapid beating of her heart. “I dinnae think I will e’er ken how such a big mon can be so verra quiet when he walks.” She frowned. “Artan is the same way, isnae he.”
“Aye, it takes practice and we practiced it a lot when we were lads training with Angus.” He sat on the side of the bed and began to take his boots off. “Artan is leaving in the morning.”
“So soon?”
“Aye. He had a lot of verra good reasons but I think he misses his wife and the bairns. He did complain about the cold, lonely bed.”
Katerina laughed but she also felt a sharp twist of envy and sadness. Artan was a big, rough man who spoke bluntly and seemed to thoroughly enjoy a rough practice session in the tiltyard with anyone willing to take him on. Yet when he spoke of his wife and bairns you knew he loved them, that they were the light of his life. She wanted that and she was not sure how to get it.
“I must be sure to rise to say fareweel to him as I have a few gifts for him to take to his wife and bairns.”
“That will please him.”
Lucas watched her as she finished braiding her hair, walked to the side of the bed, and got under the covers. He snuffed most of the candles, shed the rest of his clothes, and slid in beside her. Until he took her into his arms he could understand what Artan meant by the cold, lonely bed. He never wanted to sleep without her near again, without her close enough to touch.
When Lucas removed her night shift and tossed it aside, Katerina almost laughed. She did not know why she kept putting it on at night for he removed it the moment he got beneath the covers. A soft sigh of pleasure escaped her when he pulled her into his arms and she felt the warmth of his skin pressed against hers. Despite the problems that still existed between them, she felt only pleasure, even comfort, when he took her into his arms every night. She almost felt cherished yet, when she was alone, she found it hard to believe that she was.
Highland Savage Page 24
