by D. S. Murphy
I dropped my shoulder, shrugging off my sweater, wanting to feel his skin on mine. His eyes widened, and I could see his thirst, his need for me. I didn’t have to sleep with him, but I didn’t want him to go hungry. Besides, this is what I was here for. I lifted my hair and leaned to the side, revealing the cool, pale skin on my neck. He held my arms tightly, for a second, but then very slowly pried his fingers away from my body and picked up my sweater instead.
“Did I do something wrong?” I asked.
He wrapped the sweater around my shoulders.
“Don’t be stupid,” he said. “I just have a lot of work to do.”
“I’m not stupid.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
I pulled the sweater closer. The sting of the rejection was sinking into my bones like ice.
“I left everything—my home, my family, to come here. For you. And you don’t even want me. Is it because I’m reticent?” I asked.
“Don’t say that word out loud,” he said quickly. “Promise me.”
“Whatever,” I said. I felt like we were talking in circles. If he was going to treat me like a child, I was done.
“Here,” I said, pulling out the toy airplane. “I got you something at the market. At least them you like.” I pushed it into his palm and folded his fingers around it, then shoved him out of my room and turned out the light.
15
Last night was the longest conversation Damien Hartmann and I ever had. He opened up to me, talking about his childhood. I couldn’t possibly understand what he went through, but I saw something—a bit of humanity. For a brief moment he wasn’t some immortal, perfect elite, he was just a boy, nervous even. I didn’t understand what he’d have to be nervous about. And then when we’d danced… I could feel the heat between us, how much he’d wanted me, and I him… but then he pulled away. Again.
Downstairs, the table was full of eggs and waffles and bacon I’d never finish. I’d gotten in the habit of saving a napkin full of food and smuggling it down to a family of cats that lived behind the dumpsters on the ground floor. The elite hardly used anything, and there weren’t a lot of trash or disposables in the citadel. My father used to say, ‘if it’s worth having, it’s worth keeping.’ Waste management was something else I found interestting about the citadel. Claire showed me the first time I went to the bathroom. We had flushing toilets, instead of the outhouse I’d grown up with. It was all done with pipes and water pressure, ingenious really.
When I asked for a glass of orange juice, Claire brought one and set it on the table. Her blouse hung low around her neck as she put it in front of me. Low enough for me to see the round holes in her neck. Bite marks. My skin felt ice cold. Apparently, since my blood hadn’t been good enough to him, Damien slated his thirst at another well. Because I couldn’t give him what he needed. I felt disgusted, both by him and by myself. Claire was cute, innocent, and young. Too young. I wondered if that was Damien’s type or if she’d just been around and willing.
But I was willing, too, dammit. Scared maybe. Awkward around my betrothed, sure. I wondered how long it had been going on, or whether they were sneaking around behind my back. Why would they need to even sneak, Damien’s a prince, he can do what he wants.
The rest of breakfast tasted like ash in my mouth. I was still seething when the door opened. I thought it was Damien at first, and my pulse raced. I hated how my heart betrayed me, getting all excited by the mere thought of him. But it was just Tobias. He smiled, but his face fell when he saw my confusion.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“Damien didn’t tell you I was coming, then?”
“Must have slipped his mind,” I said.
“We have an appointment to get you fitted.”
“For what?” I asked.
“Why don’t we keep it a surprise,” Tobias said with a smirk.
We went downstairs, cutting through the narrow alleyways towards the center of the city, then branched off into a neightborhood I hadn’t yet explored. Shop windows were filled with mannequins and large rolls of brightly colored fabric. My mom would have loved it here. Finally we came to a large shop with a window full of elegant dresses. Penelope was standing outside waiting for us. Her face lit up when she saw me, and she gave me a hug.
“I didn’t know you were going to be here!” I said.
“Well it would be a little awkward letting my husband dress you,” she teased. “Plus how could I miss a dress fitting for the royal wedding?”
“That’s why we’re here?” I asked. “A dress?”
“Not just any dress,” Tobias said. “This is going to be the event of a lifetime. They’re going to broadcast the ceremony to all the compounds. People will remember the dress of Prince Hartmann’s chosen until the day they die.”
My mouth turned dry, and I pressed my lips together.
Penelope punched his arm.
“What, too morbid?” Tobias said. “All I meant was, it’s never just about the dress.”
After last night, I wasn’t sure how I felt about getting married to Damien. Little girls would watch, see me in a pretty dress, and long for their chance to get chosen. King Richard was using the wedding as propaganda. And if this dress was so important, where was Damien? Did he even care about the wedding?
“I’m not sure he even wants to marry me,” I grumbled.
“Of course he does,” Penelope said.
Tobias looked at the sky for a minute, then pinched the bridge of his nose.
“You know, he used to swear he’d never choose. Not a million years.”
“So why did he?” I asked.
“That’s a secret he hasn’t shared with me,” Tobias said. “But something about you changed his mind. That’s how I know how special you are. Damien doesn’t make mistakes, and he doesn’t make decisions lightly. But he also plays his cards close to his chest, and is slow to share his emotions. Give him time. In the meantime, now that he’s chosen, his father won’t let him back out. This wedding is going forward, and the king has determined to make it a grand event. That all begins with the right dress.”
“But what about the testing, the trials? What if I fail?”
“That won’t happen,” Penelope said, grabbing my arm. “Come on, it’ll be fun!
We entered the shop, and a bald tailor with a curled moustache stood me on a pedestal to take my measurements. Tobias sat across from me in comfortable looking chair while Penelope held up white dresses from a long rack of them. Most were rejected on sight, and ended up back on the rack, but Tobias approved a few with a nod of his head. When there were five, Penelope and I went into the changing room so she could help put them on.
The first fit like a straight-jacket: hugging my hips and wrapping around my shoulders and arms. It was a challenge to get into, and a relief to take off. The second was far more comfortable. It narrowed around my waist but hung loosely down to my ankles, with elegant folds and embroidered straps covering both shoulders. The third was strapless, the bodice hugging my curves and defying gravity. The white frills fell like a cascading waterfall, but the low neckline left me feeling exposed. After getting into each dress, Penelope would hold the train while I stepped out into the viewing room. The sequins and embellishments sparkled under the bright lights, as I turned around under Tobias’s thoughtful gaze. I know he wasn’t looking at me, he was just seeing the dress, but I still felt like I was being scrutinized. It reminded me of the choosing ceremony, bringing up feelings of powerlessness and fear. By the time I’d finished trying on all the dresses, I was anxious to get back outside for some fresh air.
“Which do you like?” Penelope asked.
“Does it matter?”
“It’s your day,” Tobias said. “We want you to feel comfortable at least.”
“What’s comfortable about being displayed in a white dress to a world full of ash and blood?” I asked. I held up my hands, turning over my fingers to look at the jagged red stains going up to my wr
ists. In the compound, my loose-fitting, dark clothes, not to mention perennial layer of dirt, kept the marks muted. But with the daily baths and elixir, they stood out angrily against my pale skin.
“Can’t I wear gloves at least?”
“It’ll play better if you don’t,” Tobias said. “Your marks make you unique, but they also humanize you. You’re chosen. Fragile, but protected. Imperfect, but loved.”
“Don’t worry,” Penelope said, pulling back my hair into a bun. “You still look amazing. Most people won’t even see them. And so what if they do?”
I frowned. I’d been hiding my marks my whole life, and now the king wanted to put them on display to the world. Is that why Damien chose me? Because of my obvious imperfection, because the optics would play better—Prince Hartmann choosing someone so disfigured, so marred. Is that why he told me not to hide who I was?
We tried on a few more dresses. They were all gorgeous, but none of them felt like me. In the end, we agreed on the sleeveless dress with the tight bodice. Even though I found it too revealing, I also loved the feel of my bare skin against the air and the extra mobility. It was feather light, and the skirt flowed away from my hips in a straight line, just scraping the floor and concealing my feet, but without heavy folds of fabric to trip over. At least I could move, and breathe.
Penelope pulled my hair up into a clip and pushed me in front of a standing mirror. Up close, the dress was impressive. Somehow both magnificent, and yet understated. The hem of the dress was embroidered with sparkly patterns, like winter’s frost, and matched the embroidery on the bodice. A thin white band pulled the fabric in around my waist, decorated with silver filigree.
“Wow,” a deep voice behind me made my neck spin. Damien stood in the doorway, looking speechless. Unlike Tobias, who had been looking at me like I was an art installment, Damien’s eyes were filled with undisguised appreciation that made my skin flush red.
“You can’t be here!” Penelope said, pushing him out of the room. “It’s bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her dress before the wedding.”
“I was next door, getting fitted for my suit. I just wanted to talk to Emily for a minute.”
I stared him down, waiting for him to say something, but he didn’t seem to appreciate the audience. He looked away and rubbed the back of his neck.
“I’ll wait outside,” he said finally. “But get changed when you’re done. I have a surprise for you.”
Penelope helped me out of my dress, then left the room while I put on my regular clothes again. Dark fabric, jeans and a long sleeve gray sweater. Damien and Tobias waited outside, until Penelope and I joined them.
“So what’s this surprise, Mr. Hartmann?” Penelope said. “Or is it something private, just for your bride?”
“You can all come,” Damien said. “It’ll be fun, I promise.” He smiled, and there was excitement in his eyes I hadn’t seen before. Tobias and Penelope held hands and walked in front of us, giving us space to be alone.
“I’m sorry about last night,” Damien said quietly.
“It’s fine,” I muttered.
“No, it’s really not. I mean, we’re supposed to be getting married, and I haven’t been very nice to you. I didn’t want you to feel forced or pressured. I wanted you to accept me as I am, not for what I represent. But I realized that’s never going to happen if I keep pushing you away, so I thought, maybe we should get to know each other. But no formal balls, no audience, just us.”
“You sure you don’t want to invite Claire instead?” I sniped, narrowing my eyes.
“Who’s Claire?” he asked, confused.
“My maid,” I said. “Brown hair, this high? I was under the impression you knew each other.”
“Annette’s daughter?” he asked. “I don’t think I’ve ever spoken to her. If you like her though, you can invite her next time.”
Claire was Annette’s daughter? His answer confused me. He wasn’t acting guilty. He was either the best liar in the world, or he hadn’t been with Claire last night. Which meant I was mad at him for something he didn’t do. But then where did she get those bite marks from?
We entered some kind of public park, with carefully sculpted trees and colored playground equipment. Two natural waterfalls fell into a stream. Children ran by with colorful balloons, and I heard tinkling music coming from a truck selling ice cream. It was an oasis surrounded by tall, gleaming buildings. Damien led us to a man in front of a portable stand with what looked like a shoe store, but all the shoes were the same, and they had wheels on them.
“Oh no you didn’t,” Tobias said, with a huge grin.
Damien’s eyes lit up with a mischevious glint.
“I found them in storage,” he said. “Too much?”
“This is awesome,” Tobias said, punching his shoulder. “I’m just surprised you know how to rollerskate.”
“Well, it’s been a century, but how hard can it be?” Damien said.
He put his hand on the small of my back and guided me forward towards the curb.
“May I?” he said, reaching towards my sneakers. I nodded, and he pulled them off. The man helped him choose skates the right size, and Damien tugged them on over my socks. His fingertips on my bare ankles sent sparks of electricity shooting through my legs. He tied up the laces, then put on his own skates and stood up awkwardly.
I got to my feet, testing the weight and feeling the wheels turn under me. I started rolling forward and waved my arms frantically. Damien caught my arms and held me still, pulling me against him.
“Just take it slow,” he said. “One foot at a time, but instead of stepping down, glide forward.” He showed me what he meant, moving a few paces away and then turning around to face me again.
“People used to do this for fun?” I asked, glaring at him.
He reached for my hand, pulling me forward. After a few minutes, I got the hang of it. We made a few wide circles, going in a loop around the flat pavement, the wind teasing my dark hair.
“Enjoying yourself?” Penelope asked as she raced past us, with Tobias hot on her heels.
“Maybe,” I said, though I couldn’t keep the grin off my face. I tried to turn to watch them, almost slipped, then froze until I caught my balance. People were gathering on the grass, clapping their hands and cheering as we rolled past.
“Should we give them a show?” Damien asked.
“I’m concentrating too hard on not eating pavement, thanks very much.”
But Damien grabbed my waist and pulled me faster until everything blurred. My pulse pounded in my chest and I gripped Damien’s arm tighter. Then he flung me forward and vanished. I screamed as I raced forward, completely out of control, heading straight towards the ice cream truck. At the last second, Damien appeared in front of me, catching me softly in his arms.
“You asshole,” I said, punching his chest. He laughed along with the crowd as I blew the hair out of my face. Then he turned towards the ice cream truck and ordered four cones. He passed one to me, and handed two to Tobias. When I turned around, a little girl was looking up at me with round eyes. She didn’t say anything, but she eyed my ice cream. She reminded me of my sister, so I took a plastic spoon and offered it to her.
“Want a bite?” I asked.
Her eyes lit up as she took the spoon and devoured the ice cream. Three boys appeared behind her, like magic.
“Uh oh,” Tobias said. “You’ve started a dangerous precedent. You can’t give ice cream to all of them.”
“I’m sorry,” I said to the boys, “I don’t have any money with me.”
I turned back to Damien, pouting my lips. He rolled his eyes, then handed something shiny to the man and yelled, “Free ice cream for everybody!” In seconds we were surrounded by kids of all ages, and more than a few adults. Damien and Tobias, who were taller, took cones and popsicles from the truck window and passed them out. When all the cones were gone, they were left empty-handed.
“What happened to your ice cream?�
� Penelope asked.
“It’s fine,” Tobias said.
“Here, you can have a bite of mine,” Penelope said, offering her cone. When Tobias leaned down to take a bite, she thrust it up quickly, smearing his face with ice cream. Then she giggled and dashed away.
“You did not just do that,” Tobias said, dashing after her.
I grinned, looking up at Damien through my lashes.
“You’d have to catch me first,” he said with a smirk. He rolled away from me tauntingly. I gave chase, but he was so fast, he skated circles around me. Then he skated right in front of me going backwards, just out of reach. I didn’t see the stick behind him until it was too late. By the time I yelled ‘look out’ he’d already tripped. His eyes went wide as his feet flew up in the air, kicking wildly, but he couldn’t regain his balance. He fell hard and skidded to a stop. I tried to slow down, but was moving too fast and tumbled down on top of him. He caught me deftly, cradling my head in his hands so I wouldn’t hit the pavement. For a second, I lay there on top of him, breathless, then he burst out laughing.
“I haven’t had this much fun since…” he paused, then looked straight into my eyes.
“Never,” he said softly, brushing a strand of hair behind my ear. “I’ve never had this much fun.”
The mood shifted, and my breath hitched. We were so close I could see yellow flakes in his green eyes. They sparkled like gold dust.
“Me neither,” I whispered.
He helped me up, but didn’t let go of my hand. I looked up in surprise and he held my gaze. We continued skating, but slowly this time.
“I’ve been angry and frustrated for too long, refusing to take any joy in the citadel, rebelling against my father. You asked me yesterday, what I’d do on a date, in the Before. I realized, there’s so much I could show you, share with you. About how it used to be. You didn’t choose to be here. But the least we can do is try not to be miserable. Right?”
I smiled at him, but something else drew my attention away. I wasn’t sure what it was at first. Penelope was in Tobias’s arms, but he was looking away towards the street and his muscles tensed. I followed his gaze and saw a black van coming up the road.
