“I’m so afraid of that kind of love again. It will rip out my heart and soul, and I know I will never come back if something else happens.”
“You will because you’re strong and I won’t let you not come back. I will always pull you back. You and I were meant to be together, with or without kids. I want you no matter what comes our way. We can’t predict the future, Jules, but we can have faith. I’ve discovered it’s a pretty powerful thing. Have faith in yourself, in me.”
She rested her forehead on his shoulder. “I wanted to die, with her. I didn’t want to live in a world where she didn’t exist and you were part of her world. You were a part of her and looking at you killed me. She had your mouth and your eyes, but she wasn’t here anymore.”
“I know sweetheart, I know,” he said, kissing her head.
“I don’t know if I can give you what you want again.”
“You already have. All I want is you, all I want is right here.” He said, pulling back to look at her, cupping the sides of her face. She looked away from his intense stare.
She stared beyond his shoulder, at the full daylight streaming through the curtains. “It’s not that simple. Don’t tell me you’re not going to want to try again.”
“With you, only with you. I can tell you right now that if we never have a baby again, it will be enough. You will always be enough for me, but not because of fear. I won’t let either of us be afraid to not go after what we want. We’re strong, I’m strong, you’re strong. I will never let you sink. I will pull you back up and I will love you forever. And I’ll tell you another thing, Jules, if you refuse me, if you’re too scared to go forward, I won’t walk out of here looking for another woman. I won’t be having a baby and starting over with someone else. You’re it for me. You’re the one for me. Whether you figure that out now or later, you will figure it out. I’ll be here, right here, waiting for you. I waited three damn years to have you again, to be inside you again. I can wait three more.”
She pulled away from him, grabbing the T-shirt on the edge of the bed, needing distance from the man who was luring her into a place that didn’t really exist. If she let him back in for good, she’d be risking everything all over again. Deep inside, she knew she would want another baby again, with him. If she revealed that, he would encourage her, because he wasn’t afraid of anything. Cade took chances, risks. He was courageous and strong, and maybe she had been at one point in time as well. But not anymore. She couldn’t risk it all again.
“What are you doing?”
She was halfway across the room, the distance from him making her more rational again. The world she had built for herself was safe. The world he wanted her to live in was filled with risk and loss. “I can’t try again,” she whispered, looking in his direction but not at him. “I can’t ever try again. I wish you hadn’t come back, Cade.”
Chapter Seven
“You sure you don’t want to come back? We miss you, man. Why don’t you ask Julia if she’d consider moving out here?”
Hell. Cole shook his hand, holding his cell phone to his ear as his best friend Ben Campbell tried to convince him for the tenth time to move back. Convince Julia to move to Silicon Valley? He couldn’t even convince her to live here, with him.
Did he miss working with his friends? Hell, yes. He’d never met a group of more loyal guys. When they’d met in university they’d all come from different places in life. He and Ben were the only two on their dorm room floor that were from the same shitty neighborhood in Toronto. They went way back-all the way to grade school together. There wasn’t another guy in the world he’d trust to have his back more than Ben. Both of them had gotten a full scholarship, and both of them had felt uneasy and inferior that first day at the prestigious school. Then they’d met the guys down the floor who had all gone to the top private schools in the country, but somehow none of them had the stuck-up attitude Cade had expected.
There were nights they’d spent drinking, going home with girls—they’d all had their fair share of fun. But they all knew when to rein it in, because they all wanted success. Not a mediocre kind of success. They’d worked hard core to get what they wanted.
In his last year of his undergrad, he’d met Julia, a first-year student and when she’d gotten pregnant that had derailed all his plans and he’d had to take that short stint out west. But all his buddies had his back and when she wanted nothing to do with him, they’d taken him in, broken and nasty-as-hell, but they hadn’t let him fall. Ben drank with him, let him talk, which wasn’t much, because he didn’t know how to voice his feelings, but most of all his friend looked out for him. He owed him, big time. All of them.
“Julia has her life here, a job, a house. I don’t think she would.”
“Yeah, we kind of thought that. So how’s it going…I mean, how’s she doing?”
“Good question. Fine. I feel like I got her back.” He took a deep breath. “But not for good…hell I don’t know.” He had expected after their night together, Julia would have been ready to start over. Instead, she’d basically told him it was over. He knew she was scared, and it was that fear that gave him hope. If she was afraid it meant she had deep feelings for him. All he needed to do was make it worth it for her to take a risk. He’d wait here for as long as it took. This time, he wasn’t leaving.
He looked out onto the view below him, grateful for the distraction. He was standing on a hilltop, a few miles outside of town. The plot of land was over five acres, the view in the front was long, green grass, and behind him was a lake. It was the nicest piece of property he’d seen around here. The lake was below, blue, and pretty damn beautiful.
“You guys were meant to be. Well, if I believed in that kind of shit, I’d believe that you were meant to be together.” It was funny to hear his friend say that. Ben had never been attached to anyone and he knew none of them would ever truly understand what they’d been through, but they’d been there for him.
“The guys told me to call you. We have another idea, if you’ve got a few minutes.”
He sat down, the earth cold under him and listened to his friend’s plan.
*
Julia adjusted the bouquet of Gerbera daisies, admiring the bright orange and pink colors of the flowers. She sat crossed-legged and brushed off some of the grass and fallen twigs on Sophie’s grave.
Approaching footsteps made her turn. Her father was walking towards her. She shouldn’t be surprised; he’d been her rock these last three years. He often accompanied her here. Her mother was buried beside Sophie and Julia had always taken comfort in that.
“How are you, sweetheart?”
How was she? Confused. Scared. In love. She loved Cade with everything she had. It was a stronger love than even before, but she was terrified of what loving meant. It would force her to move on and take risks. She had lied when she said she didn’t want more children. She did. She wanted another child so desperately her womb physically ached for another baby, but her mind held her back, because her heart was terrified of loving so deeply again. “Cade is back in town,” she said. She knew her father had never been a fan of their relationship.
“I know,” he said, sitting down beside her. “He came to see me.”
“He did?”
Her father nodded. “He’s changed a lot.”
Julia touched the petals on the daisies, thinking about what her father said. “I don’t think he’s changed that much. There was never anything wrong with him. He was always hardworking, loyal, and honest. Cade had never been given opportunities until they all started their company. He hasn’t changed. I’ve changed, maybe you’ve changed. I was the one incapable of dealing with what happened, I’m the one who shut him out.”
If she could go back to those days and change them, she would, but there was no going back and life rarely handed a person second chances, except now she was given a second chance with Cade and she knew she had to take it. If she didn’t, she’d throw away her only chance at happiness. He mad
e her happy; he filled her with hope and love. He got her in a way that no one would, ever. She knew if she let him walk away again, it would be because she was afraid of trying again, afraid of wanting something so badly, achieving it, and then having it ripped from her arms.
“I guess you’re right. I owe him an apology, and you as well.”
She glanced over at her father, noticing the deep frown lines beside his mouth, the worry in his eyes. “I didn’t know what to do when Sophie died, I didn’t know how to be there for you. It killed me to watch you sink further and further into yourself. I blamed Cade. I knew he blamed himself, and I latched onto that, and it was easy to. It was a simple means to an end. I knew you were having problems and I mistakenly thought he was part of the problem. So I told him I thought it’d be best if he left town…and I offered him money, Julia.”
Julia leaned her head back, squinting against the bright blue sky. She hated thinking back to that time, she hated that she and her father had turned against Cade in their own ways. She knew her father had been motivated by love and panic. He’d watched her mother descend into depression, and watching her do the same must have been terrifying.
“He didn’t take the money.”
“I know that. I know him, Dad. I know Cade would never have taken your money and left. He left because I pushed him away repeatedly.”
Her father cleared his throat. “I’m sorry, Jules. I should have helped you two work things out together. I should have supported your marriage.”
Julia picked at the grass, as the reality of what her father revealed swam through her. They had treated Cade so unfairly. She knew her father so well. She knew what had motivated him; she knew he would do anything for her if he thought it was for the best. But none of that could justify how he treated Cade. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Her father sat down slowly beside her. “What was I going to say? I wanted you to be happy and I thought if I told you the truth you wouldn’t forgive me. I didn’t want to lose you. I wouldn’t be able to deal with losing you too,” he said, his voice breaking. “I’m so sorry, Julia. I will try to make it up to you, to Cade if you will let me.”
“You know, part of making a life for myself these last three years meant standing on my own two feet. I went from a young adult in university, to wife, to mother and I always depended on someone. You were always there to protect me. Then Cade. But these last few years on my own, I managed to stand on my own two feet, finish my degree, get a job, a house, and rebuild my life. I can’t have you interfere in my life or make decisions for me.”
“You’re right. After your mother died, I promised myself I’d never let you suffer again. I didn’t know what to do. It was too much. I couldn’t handle seeing you in such pain after Sophie died. I was so afraid of losing you, Julia.” Her father’s usually strong voice was now soft, thick with emotion. She was angry with him, but she understood him and his need to protect her.
“I need to know you will never interfere like that again. I need you to promise me that you’ll support Cade and I starting over.”
“I will, of course I will. I only ever wanted you to be happy.”
She reached over to hold her father’s hand, feeling his leathery skin against hers. “You have always been my rock and have always been there for me. You made the wrong call and I understand you were trying to protect me. Just be good to him, Dad. I want to start over again with him, wherever that takes me.”
There was a sheen in her father’s eyes. He leaned over and kissed the top of her head. “You’ve always been my rock, my reason for hanging on, and I want nothing but happiness for you.”
Julia hugged her father, feeling his strength, feeling his frailty as he held on to her.
Chapter Eight
Julia frowned at the sound of the approaching motorcycle. She had been about to enter her car after a long day of teaching and then extra-curricular soccer practice. She squinted as a familiar, appealing figure rode towards her and then stopped.
Her heart beat like it was only capable of operating at warp speed. It was Cade. He took off his helmet and grinned at her. She was thrilled he was here, because she’d been ready to talk to him. She had known after their night together there was no life for her without him. She had wanted to be sure she could do this again so she hadn’t said anything yet. But it was time. It was time for her to finally claim the life she wanted.
“Should I be worried that Herb is watching us?”
Her gaze darted to the school. “No, I um, spoke with Herb.”
He grinned. A cocky, steal-her-breath-away grin. “Is that so?’
She nodded, trying not to smile along with him. It had been an awkward conversation, but she hated thinking that Herb’s feelings were hurt. Even though they hadn’t actually dated, she respected him as a professional and a friend, and she wanted to be honest with him. It turned out he was more than gracious and wished her the best.
“Nice bike,” she said, taking in the delectable sight of his long legs straddling the bike.
His grin changed slightly, and the man turned on the charm and as always her entire body responded. “Thanks. I thought it was time to fulfill another one of my goals.”
“I wasn’t aware that this was one of your goals,” she said, shutting the door behind her and leaning on the car.
“Well, part. You on the back of it is another part.”
She swallowed hard and ignored the crazy fluttery feeling and the insane ability he had to make her feel flustered like a schoolgirl, even though she so wasn’t anymore. “I refuse to get on that deathtrap, Cade.”
He looked undaunted. “Be fearless, darling. Be free. You know I’d never let anything happen to you,” he said, his voice thick, his gaze hooded.
Tears shouldn’t have pricked her eyes, but they did because she believed every word he was saying. His offer of freedom, fearlessness, beckoned her, because she’d been shackled by fear these last three years and she wanted desperately to break free and claim the life she was meant to live. She took a deep breath and looked away from him, making sure she knew what she was doing. She knew there was no looking back; she’d never be able to walk away from him again if she did this.
She looked at him again. He held out his hand, crooking his finger. Her breath caught. She never should have looked at him, because there was no going back. She quickly grabbed something from inside her purse, tucked it in her pocket, and locked the doors. She walked toward him. He helped her with the helmet and onto the bike and then she held onto him, feeling the strength he’d always possessed, she’d always admired. She held on, like she’d never let go.
“You ready?”
His words meant so much more and she didn’t have the words so she simply nodded, held onto him, and enjoyed the ride, exactly how he told her to. She had no idea where he was taking them, had no idea when they’d be back. She breathed, as the hot summer air swirled around them, as he took the winding back roads that led them out of town. She just let herself feel, and she didn’t feel fear. She felt freedom, hope, and the most intense love for the man she was holding. He slowed when they were at a hilltop. This was one of the nicest places in town, the road deserted, the view of the lake breathtaking from this spot.
He helped her off the bike, and took her helmet. Seconds later they were walking hand in hand and he led her down a little footpath that went straight to the lake. The shoreline was filled with pebbles and the water was shallow, clear. “This is beautiful. How’d you find it?”
“I was looking for an investment in the area.” He picked up some pebbles and was throwing them in the water, one by one. She watched as the rock skipped the ribbon-like surface of the lake, looking for the right words to say. She didn’t want him to talk about something else; she needed to tell him how she felt and she needed to do it because she owed him that much, so much more.
“Cade—”
“Wait, hear me out. Ben called me today. He wants me to go back.” He shoved his hands in
his jeans pockets and turned to look at her. She tried to hide her panic.
She tried to look calm and nonchalant. “I thought you said you’d parted ways with them.”
“I did, but those guys are loyal to a fault and I think they didn’t like the fact that I felt I had no choice.”
No choice because he had chosen to come to her and it was all or nothing. She hated that he had to choose, that he actually chose her without even knowing if she would reciprocate his feelings. “I’m sorry you were put in that position.”
He shrugged. “Don’t be. You never asked me to come back here. I decided, made my choice. You are priceless to me,” he said gruffly, taking a step toward her. “My life is empty without you.”
“You were right,” she whispered. “You were right about everything.”
The corner of his mouth quirked slightly. “These aren’t words I’m used to hearing from you.”
She laughed, taking a step closer to him.
“Jules, as much as I hate reciting cheesy lines, I feel this one is a must. My home is where you are.”
She was not going to start crying, it was too soon for that, but she couldn’t speak yet either, so she waved her hand. He took that as an opportunity to continue speaking.
“I bought this land. Five acres, right up to the lake, for us. We can build our dream home. It’s close enough to town so you have an easy commute. I can work from home. I’m not walking away from you again.”
She threw her arms around his neck, knowing he’d catch her. He always did, she just had to have enough faith to let him. She buried her face in his neck, feeling his strong arms hold her tightly to him. “I love you so much, Cade. I never stopped loving you. I was so scared and so destroyed and I pushed you away. I will always be sorry for that. I was so lost. I mean, I hadn’t even been in a real relationship before you. We hadn’t even been together for a year and I’m not making excuses, but I want you to know that I regret letting you go. I never moved on from you. You are the love of my life. I’m sorry.”
