He was just too damn scared.
“Heya, Cody,” Olivia said early Christmas Eve afternoon. She was sitting on her son’s bed in his brightly painted bedroom. “I know we talked yesterday, when I visited you at the cemetery, but I… Well, I guess I just have more to say.”
Jasper vaulted onto the bed and shoved his body against Olivia’s hand, begging to be loved. She acquiesced to the cat and rubbed her knuckles along his back.
“Jasper misses you, too, baby. Everyone does. Yesterday, I told you how much I love you, but I neglected to thank you. You see, Cody, I’ve been so lost in my grief over missing you, that I’d forgotten how amazing of a kid you were.”
Tears filled her eyes and spilled down the sides of her face. She didn’t wipe them away. She took comfort in them. She treasured them. She honored them. For who they fell for, for what they represented.
“Being your mom taught me so much about life. The way you’d delight in a sunny day, or get excited about the birds who sang in the trees—” she pointed out Cody’s bedroom windows “—right out there, and how you loved the way Jasper would curl up and sleep with you. You saw miracles everywhere you looked, and then, you shared them with me…with your dad.”
She had to stop to take a breath, to let the ache in her throat soften enough she could speak again. When it did, she continued, “Mommy kind of forgot all that stuff, Cody. And that made it hard for me to find happiness anywhere. I forgot to be thankful for all the little miracles in life, all the things you knew instinctively were special. But recently, I began to remember.”
Heavy, rumbling purrs erupted from Jasper. He stood on her lap and pushed his head against the underside of her chin. “Yes, yes, Jasper. I know you’re here.” He instantly settled on her lap. Then, just like she had that night with Grady, she fisted her hand and pressed it against her chest.
“I’m not going to lie. Losing you is the greatest hurt of my life. I will always wish you were here with us. I will never stop yearning to see your smile or hear your laugh or feel you in my arms. You were my baby.” The tears poured now, heavy and relentless. “You will always be my baby. My boy.”
Again, she had to pause to get her bearings, to find the right words. Jasper rolled over on his back and worked his paws against her shirt. She tickled his belly, somehow finding the motion calming. And, like Karen had said on Thanksgiving about the tea, soothing. To her heart, to her soul, to the raw ache deep, deep inside.
“So, my son,” Olivia said softly, “Thank you for every gift you ever gave me, for everything you ever showed me, for every laugh and every hug and every precious second you were here. You have changed me forever. I am a better person because of you. And, God, I so hope you can hear me, somehow, but Cody Jonathon Foster, I swear to you that I will never forget any of this ever again.”
Breathe, she instructed herself, just breathe.
Once she was calmer, she picked Jasper up in her arms and stood. She hadn’t yet stopped crying, but she would. And while she knew the tears would come again, and that the aching loss of Cody would never completely disappear, she also knew that she was ready…so very ready…to live life again. For her son. For her unborn child. For her husband—if he’d still have her. But mostly, for herself.
“Goodbye for now, kiddo. I need to get ready for your dad. I have a very special Christmas planned for us.”
As she left Cody’s bedroom, she felt something—a stirring of the soul, a whisper in her heart—that made her turn around. There was nothing to see that she hadn’t already seen, but she felt sure that her son had, indeed, heard her.
“Merry Christmas, baby,” she whispered.
Olivia waited impatiently for Grady to show. Why had she decided on seven o’clock? She should have had him come over at the crack of dawn. Last night. Three days ago. Heck, the very second she’d made her decision. But she so wanted this to be special, and what could be more special than Christmas Eve?
More than that, though, there were steps she absolutely needed to take before moving forward. She needed to prove to herself that she truly was strong enough to enter life again, to be the wife that Grady deserved, to be the person that she wanted to be. Basically, a fully functioning human being. And yes, those elements took her longer than she’d have liked.
But she’d done them, every last one, and now…now she wanted Grady to get here. Nervous, she stalked to the window, but resisted temptation to peer out at her driveway again. Instead, she released some of her pent-up energy by pacing the area around the coffee table. Basically, she walked in circles. One after the other. Over and over.
What if he’d decided she’d waited too long? What if, upon reflection, he’d decided that his life would be simpler without her? If he’d reached that conclusion in the thirteen odd days since she’d last seen him, she wouldn’t—couldn’t—fault him. And he had sounded rather odd when she’d phoned him earlier in the week. So what did that mean?
Okay. She was going to make herself crazy.
Obviously, though, these questions required an answer before she told him about the baby. Grady had such honor, such a strong belief in family, that he’d stay married to her despite what he felt. Despite what decision he might have reached.
She stopped pacing midcircle and gave in to temptation. Pushing the curtain away from the living room window for what had to be the thousandth time, she searched for his headlights. Nope. Not yet. A glance at the clock showed she had another ten minutes or so to wait, and knowing Grady’s penchant for punctuality, he wouldn’t arrive even a minute sooner than seven. Or, for that matter, one minute later.
“You can get through ten minutes,” she said to the window. Fortunately, the window didn’t respond. Shaking her head in frustrated humor, she started to step away from the curtain when she heard the distinctive rumble of Grady’s truck. He was here. Early, even. Grady was never early for anything. Good sign or bad sign?
She ran to the hall mirror for one last once-over. Well, she looked the same as she had the other ten times she’d checked. Then, she closed her eyes, breathed and waited for the doorbell to ring. “One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, four Mississippi,” she whispered. “Five Mississippi, six Mississippi, seven Miss—” The loud peal of the bell sent her heart into overdrive before it plummeted into her stomach.
Her palm was damp enough that it slid on the doorknob, but she managed to get a good enough grip to open the door. And there he was. Tall. Handsome. Solid. “Hi, Grady,” she said, swinging the door open wider. Wow. She actually sounded as if she had it together. As if she hadn’t just been running around in circles and stalking a pane of glass.
“Merry Christmas, Olivia,” Grady said, entering the foyer. He held a bag in each hand. Offering one to her, he said, “Mom baked some cookies. She wanted you to have them.”
“That’s sweet. I’ll have to call her with my thanks.” Accepting them, she gestured to the living room. “Go on in. Sit down. I…I’ll be right back.” She was halfway to the kitchen before she remembered her manners. “Oh! Would you like something to drink? Are you hungry?”
He gave her an odd look and shook his head. “I couldn’t eat or drink anything right now.”
Right. She continued to the kitchen and put the container of cookies on the counter. Wait! What did that mean? Maybe he couldn’t eat or drink because he knew he was about to deliver bad news? Or, her silently optimistic side pointed out, maybe he was nervous because he worried he was going to get bad news.
For whatever reason, that thought strengthened her. Gave her conviction enough to calm her nerves and ease the roiling in her stomach. This was a good day. This was a day where anything could happen. A day where her dreams could come true.
Holding her head high, she retraced her steps to the living room. Grady was standing near the tree, fingering the picture ornament of Cody and the snowman. She stood quietly, not wanting to interrupt her husband’s moment, but also so she could take a mental snapshot to remember
the way he looked, with his black hair tousled around his face and his expression quietly contemplative. Wow. She loved him so much.
“Grady,” she said softly. “I am so happy to see you.”
Warmth and hope replaced the contemplation. “I’m glad to be here.”
“I’ve… There are… We need to have a conversation. I don’t want to beat around the bush or pretend I’m not crazy nervous.” She took one step toward him. “And I see no reason to put this off any longer. Of making you wait any longer.”
Grady closed his eyes for the briefest of seconds. His shoulders straightened and his jaw tightened. “So it’s time, is it?” He went to the couch and sat down quickly, almost as if he worried his legs wouldn’t support him. She felt the same way about hers. Holding his hand out, he said, “Sit with me, Olly. I’d prefer to have you here, rather than over there on the opposite side of the room while we have this conversation.”
“Okay. Sure.” She tried to walk, but found she couldn’t. “Yep. I can sit there. By you. No problem.” What was going on? The man she loved was asking her to sit next to him, and her stupid legs refused to move.
He gave her the smallest of smiles. “I won’t bite, sweetheart.”
“I’ll be right there. Just as soon as I can…” Oh, to hell with it. “I’m over here because I can’t walk at the moment, Grady.” But then, as soon as the words were said, she could move. So she did, before her legs decided to turn to stone again. She sighed in relief when she reached the sofa and collapsed onto it. “Never mind,” she said brightly. “I’m here.”
“So I see. You said you had something to tell me?”
“Yes!” Way too loud. She tried again, “I… Jeez, Grady. There are so many things I need to say, and I can’t figure out what to say first.”
“Look at me.” His tenor was calm and stable. Olivia lifted her chin and settled her gaze on his. Yes. So much better. “And say the first thing that pops into your head.”
“I’m seeing a grief counselor,” she blurted. Not exactly where she’d meant to start, but it would do okay as an opening.
Surprise darted over Grady’s features, and perhaps a whisper of relief. “Really? I… That’s good, right?”
She nodded. “I’ve only seen her twice so far, but I plan on continuing. I’m learning a lot about why I…why I pushed you and everyone else away.” Her courage grew by a minuscule amount, fueling the rest of her words. “I doubt I will ever feel comfortable at your bereavement group, but if it’s important to you, I’m willing to try. I mean that, with all of my heart.”
“I don’t care if you ever go to that group. I wanted to find a way to help you, and I was drawing straws as to what might work.” He regarded her with serious eyes. “But I was wrong in the way I went about trying to help you. I’m glad you’ve found something that is helping you, something that you believe will be successful. All I hope for is your happiness.”
Inch by inch, her muscles began to relax. “I know that, Grady. Even when I was angry, I knew that.” Her fingers fluttered in her lap, her desire to touch him was so strong. She resisted. “I’ve also been thinking a lot about Cody. Remembering him and everything he was to us.”
“He was our world,” Grady said. “Our entire lives revolved around him.”
“Yes. I guess that’s a big part of why I had such difficulty talking about him, and I’m so sorry about that. You were right, that morning in your apartment. We should talk about him. That’s how we can keep him with us, how we can show our love for him.”
Gathering her hands in his, Grady said quietly, “One of the hardest yet happiest days of this past month was decorating the Christmas tree with you and sharing memories of our son. I can’t tell you how much that day meant to me.”
“You don’t have to. I already know.” The mention of the tree reminded her of Cody’s presents. She sighed. Might as well get everything out there before her courage deserted her.
“I take it there’s more you have to say?” Ah, and there was that pensive worry again, etched into his face.
“There is. The reason I asked about Cody’s gifts is because I decided to donate them to charity.” Twisting her fingers together, she continued, “Next year, I might try buying new gifts, but this year…I wasn’t there yet. I should have waited for you. I’m sorry I didn’t.”
Grady was silent for a minute. Maybe two. His contemplative expression returned. “This entire conversation is taking me by surprise one word at a time.”
“Are you upset that I didn’t wait?”
“Not at all. I’m proud of you, Olly.” Suddenly, he ran his hands over his eyes. “I feel like I’m missing something here. Everything you’ve said is wonderful, sweetheart. But…why do you look so anxious? What is it that you don’t want to put off any longer?”
“That would be this.” Ignoring the shivering chill of worry trickling down her neck, she reached over to the end table and grabbed the manila envelope she’d left there earlier. Offering it to Grady, she said, “This is for you. It’s probably best if you review it now.”
He looked at the envelope as if it were a monster from the depths of hell. “So you have decided?”
“I have.” Stay calm, she told herself. Hope for the best, be ready for the worst.
“I take it those are the divorce papers?”
She held her eyes as wide open as possible. “Look and see.”
Quicker than a wink, he rose to his feet. He took the envelope and shoved it between his arm and his side. “I’ll have these taken care of as soon as the holiday is over.”
“We’re not done, Grady,” she said. “Sit down, please.”
“Why? Is there a point?” Frustration rippled over him like waves of heat in the middle of July. “I said you can have anything you want. There is no need for me to go over this now. Not in front of the Christmas tree on Christmas Eve.”
“Yes, there is. It’s extremely important that we review this document together. Now.”
Something in her expression caused his eyebrows to bunch together. He sort of fell, sort of toppled back to the couch. “Why? Just tell me why, Olly. What could I have done different, or what did I do wrong?”
“Please, Grady. Open the envelope. Once you do, I’ll tell you anything you want to hear.”
“Fine,” he said in a curt voice. He tore the top off of the envelope rather than simply unclasping it. She held her breath while he tugged out the single sheet of paper she’d written on. And hoped with every part of who she was. “What is this, Olly?”
“You’re such a stubborn man, Grady Foster,” she said. “I love you. So very much. That letter is my promise to you to never give up on our marriage again.” She prayed that he wanted her. That it wasn’t too late. “There’s even a place for our signatures at the bottom.”
Relief, palpable and swift, eased the harsh edge of his shoulders and the unforgiving line of his jaw. “This isn’t about the divorce?”
“I don’t want a divorce,” she said in a near-whisper. “I want you. I want our life. I’m hoping that you still want me.”
“Hoping I still want you?” He tipped his head back and laughed. “God, Olly. You just about gave me a heart attack. I thought…I thought you were kicking me to the curb with my tail between my legs. Why this way? You could’ve leapt into my arms the second I walked in the door…why the subterfuge?”
“I was afraid,” she admitted, very aware that he hadn’t yet said he wanted her, that he loved her. “That you would say you’d wasted enough time on me. I…I don’t know. Writing that agreement felt safer. Plus, I sort of owed you one.”
“Ah, yes. The deal.” Grady leaned against the couch, his shoulders relaxed. “Point taken. You definitely owed me one.”
“Two, actually. Seeing how Samantha is the one who clued you in on joint property.” Not that Olivia had cared by the time Sam confessed. In fact, she’d hugged her friend as hard as she could and thanked her for butting in. Oh, and apologized for calling her
a crackpot.
“You love me?” he asked, everything in his voice and on his face asking for confirmation. “And you are in this marriage. Our marriage. For real?”
“I love you,” she said, looking directly into his eyes. “And I am in this marriage. For real. For better or worse. Forever.”
“Sweetheart, you sure know how to keep a man guessing. I didn’t know if this day would ever come. If you’d… Baby, you are worth every single minute I’ve waited.” His tone lowered to that sexy, husky drawl that turned Olivia to mush. “I’d wait longer to feel like this. To be with you, I would wait forever.”
“You shouldn’t have had to wait for so long.” She took in a deep breath. Tingles sped along her skin, making her shiver in disbelief…in happiness…that this was really happening. But it wasn’t complete. Not yet. “There’s more,” she whispered, on the edge of her seat with the miracle she was about to share with Grady. “So much more that you don’t know. I have a very special Christmas gift for you. You see—”
“Wait. If we’re unwrapping presents, I have one that I’d like you to open first.”
“But you’ll want this present, Grady. And I’m so excited to—”
“Please, Olivia,” he said, his gaze searching and earnest. “I’ve been waiting a really long time to give you this. And I think…I feel that you need this now. Right here, beside this beautiful tree. By Cody’s tree. Please?”
Well, she couldn’t object to that, could she? Besides, he’d made her awfully curious. And a little apprehensive, though she couldn’t say why. “Okay. You win. You can go first.”
He reached for the other bag he’d walked in the door with. “Well, first, you should have this,” he said as he pulled out her snowflake ornament. “We definitely want that on the tree. In fact—” he scooted over to the floor “—let’s sit by the tree, shall we? Right here next to Cody’s picture.”
“Sure…” What was he up to? She sat across from him and accepted the crystal snowflake. With care, she suspended the ornament from a branch barely above her head. “There, it’s perfect, isn’t it? And look…I knew the lights would make it even more beautiful.”
Miracle Under The Mistletoe (The Foster Brothers #1) Page 18
