The whole operation was still in the living room. I had slept enough over Spring Break. Slim rolled some weed and we had our own session. A few hours later, I returned home like I had been in school all day. I erased the computerized recording from the voicemail about me missing school before my mom came home. I knew I better take my ass to school the next day.
Journal Entry Spring 2002
I must say that this spring break did not go as planned. I love and enjoyed my cousin but I knew that party shit was a bad idea. I was also ready to get my damn room and privacy back. I should have took my ass home instead of inviting her here. We might have had a better week. I decided to stick to weed after I experienced my first “real” hangover. No bad affects when you smoke. Maybe hungry, sleepy, and black lips but definitely not sick and in pain. Tiara expressed in so many words that she wasn’t stopping and having a hangover was just a part of the fun. She was crazy as hell.
I had only been living here for a month and a few weeks and I pulled the hottest thing smoking at the school. I’m really not in the mood for new haters after I just got past not wanting to commit suicide every morning. Nobody wants the “new girl” dating the most popular guy. That’s just how it is. I was also having mixed feelings about this nameplate. That shit was like he was branding me or something. Like I’m his property. I’ll roll with it for now though. He doing all the right things to make me smile and he was on his grown man after school hours, which kept money in his pockets and me in the mall.
I was also excited that Dash finally trusted me enough to cook drugs in front of me. I had no intentions on telling ever and I guess he knew. Nell told me that he never let his girlfriend’s chill at the house as much as I did. He knew that was a sure sign that he liked me. That and all the overly aggressive affection he gave me by slapping me on my ass. “I always wanted a lil sis”, he would say. Guess I was the closest thing to it.
Nell and I were kind of low key at school. Not that day though. He went from acting like my friend at school to acting like my man. We walked in the building hand in hand rocking our fresh J’s. We both wore our uniforms but I spiced it up with red accessories and Nell rocked a red hat and jacket. I had dyed my hair cinnamon over the weekend and cut myself a Chinese bang. Nell loved the improvements to my look. He walked me to my class with his arm around me and kissed me on the jaw.
“Have a good day baby,” he said. I smiled from ear to ear and shook my head. I had to get used to all the sugar he was throwing my way.
People were staring as we walked through the halls between classes. Lips were smacking and heads were turning. Nell didn’t seem to notice or care. He was getting all the glory from the guys. At lunch, we sat and ate lunch in the cafeteria. We were all hugged up in our booth eating our chicken wings and hot sauce.
“You look cute,” I told him and pecked his greasy lips. You know how it is at the beginning of a relationship. You’re so in love and everything is perfect.
“Thanks baby,” he said as he sucked his chicken bone. We had our own pile of chicken bones in the middle of the table. Had to be like fifteen and counting. We didn’t have any fries or nothing, just wings. The black students looked forward to chicken wing day.
The whole vibe at school changed once Nell left. I started to see Essence and her clique more the last few hours. Every time I walked past, she would say something smart and her girls would laugh.
“I got them J’s too,” she said. I never really caught the other comments. I’m sure it was about Nell but damn. “We’re gonna do this for how long,” I thought. I hate the ex-girlfriends. I hate the baby mommas. I hate the first loves. They seem to be the most fucked up emotionally. You’re obviously his ex for a reason.
“Get a fucking life,” I thought.
I continued on to my last class. I had to remember to ask Nell all about Essence and their relationship plus the chicks she hung with. I needed to know what I was dealing with. Might have to call my cousins down here for an out of town ass whooping. That would still leave me there alone, out of town with the same chicks. I shook my head.
“Do I really feel like fighting the rest of the year,” was my main thought.
I finished my homework, showered, and ate some dinner with my mom later on that night. “Mom, I have a mascot at school,” I told her.
“Let me guess,” she said while chewing her Chinese food. “One of Nell's ex’s,” she guessed.
“Bingo,” I said laughing.
She shook her head. “Well, Kee,” she started. “You know how that goes. Keep ya head in ya books.” That was always the answer to everything to her when it came to staying out of trouble. “You know I got to say that you need to be careful and watch ya back. I really don’t need to come to the school. I really don’t need to show them my true self,” she said.
I didn’t take what she said too seriously. I doubted if the situation would really get out of hand. Either way, I ain’t ever scared. My mom was right though. I did need to keep my eyes open because I am out numbered. We wrapped up our dinner and I called Nell while I washed the dishes.
“What are you doing Nelly,” I asked before he could said hi.
“Playing the game with Dash,” he said.
I rolled my eyes in the back of my head. “Niggas and the game,” I thought. I knew that was a bad time to ask about Essence. I knew I didn’t have his undivided attention.
“Hey Keeeeee,” I heard Dash say in the background. That put a smile on my face. Dash was so crazy.
“Tell ’em I said hey,” I instructed Nell.
“She said wasup bro!”
Niggas don’t know how to relay messages right either I see. I wrapped that conversation up quick. He was giving me one-word answers. That was highly annoying. I heard him inhaling smoke and blowing it out of his lungs.
“Go ahead and play the game and call me later,” I told Nell. He didn’t say anything. I just heard the dial tone.
I decided to write a few lines in my journal. My journal was my best friend. I told it everything and it always listened. How could you beat that? In it is the good, the bad, and the ugly. It helped me vent and kept me from going crazy to be honest. I got the idea from a friend. A simple notebook she wrote in daily when we were younger. I later found out her mom sent her to a psychiatrist for whatever reason and the psychiatrist recommended she write her thoughts in a journal. I liked to write short stories, reports, and essays. I was always doodling and writing on everything, but never did I think to write my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Once I started, I was addicted and writing became my first love.
The next morning Nell picked me up as normal. It was a rainy day so my Coach rain boots were finally wearable with the matching umbrella. I was feeling pretty good. We were getting our report cards and there was a program scheduled after lunch. I knew my grades were good so I had no worries. Nell already had plans for me to leave with him and skip the whole assembly. After we entered the building, we went our separate ways. Nell walked to his first floor locker and I climbed the three flights to my locker. I approached my locker like normal thinking about what books I needed to grab. Of course, some bullshit was in the air. I should have noticed from the entourage of girls looking in my direction. I saw some red writing on my locker. As I got closer, I saw that it said, “BITCH!” I stood there for a second with no expression then rubbed my finger across the word. Red lipstick!
“Who the fuck even wears red lipstick in high school,” I thought shaking my head. I popped my lock without thinking twice about the vandalism. I saw people looking out of my peripheral vision but I didn’t care. The whole act was lame! Nothing my cousins and I would take a part in. I took my ass to homeroom.
My homeroom teacher passed out our report cards. That homeroom shit was all new to me. Anyway, I checked mine out. 3 A’s, 2B’s and a C-. A C- in Chemistry. I checked the grade again.
“What in the hell,” I thought. I couldn’t really complain because I hated everything about Chemistry. I didn�
��t get it or the teacher, and he and the girl who lived next door to me did not get along. There was always some altercation between the two. I don’t know how many times she had walked out or been put out. I thought it was hilarious. That C- did bring my GPA down though. That instantly fucked up my morning. I’m sure people thought I was upset about the lipstick on my locker instead. They were mistaken. I was good as long as they didn’t touch me. We sat around until the bell rang. That was it for homeroom.
I didn’t have to bring the incident up to Nell. He had already heard which I’m sure was easy. He walked up to me and gave me a hug. I hugged him back like normal and he was all sad in the face.
“Damn, Nell, what’s up?” I asked. I guess he thought I was sad or some shit. He held my hand and walked me to my locker. He made the janitor clean off today’s topic. He said he was sorry and asked if I wanted to go tell, but that shit was dead.
“Tell what,” I asked. “That shit is stupid and not even worth telling.”
I guess he knew the situation wasn’t gonna get any better. I saw Essence across the way looking but not trying to look.
“Come on,” Nell said. “Let’s just leave now.”
I knew Essence heard the whole conversation due to the lip smack. I looked at her dead in her eyes thinking, “You can call me a few things but a snitch, NEVER!” Honestly though, what proof did I have even if I did want to tell. Besides, a word on my locker was far from a fight.
Friday couldn’t get there fast enough. All Wednesday and Thursday night my phone was receiving back-to-back private calls. I hated private calls. If you had something to say then you needed to just express yourself and let yourself be known.
“Lames,” I thought as I ignored another call. I cut my phone off both nights and used my house phone to talk to Nell. After that, I just wanted to relax and brainstorm. I wasn’t really smoking a lot, but that night I thought it was a good time. Besides Essence and her friends, I really don’t see who the hell would be calling me private. I sat on the roof and smoked a “hooter.”
“How did these bitches get my number,” I thought.
I took in a mouthful of smoke. The wind was kind of messing up my session. I really dislike chicks. “Damn, is there a shortage of niggas out here or something? That chick is really tripping. I think I’m going to have to beat her up eventually anyway for being annoying.” I lay on my back looking at the stars. I was feeling like Snoopy lying on the roof of my house. All I needed was a Woodstock.
I was all in with Nell. I had no plans on cheating. He had “the magic stick” once he shared it with me, he kept me smiling with gifts and compliments, I felt safe with him, we had a good time together, and honestly, he was my only friend. My Mom thought we spent too much time together. I didn’t have shit else to do but schoolwork, Nell, and long distance phone calls and those even became less frequent. I only kept in touch with a few people back home and my “special friend” Yung was one of them. His real name was Jajuan. His guys called him Yung Juan because he had a baby face and big childlike eyes. I’m sure only the females looked at his eyes. Over the years, he just became Yung. We met in Jr. High.. I was in the sixth and he was in the eighth. We got tighter when we had the worst class ever together, Shop. My ass couldn’t build shit. He seemed to enjoy it.
Our bond grew from me asking him a million questions, and from him doing the majority of my work for me. We had been cool ever since. No matter our relationship status, we always messed around. If it was a kiss, sneak sex, a low date, or a trip. We were down! Whether I was in a relationship, he was, or both of us. We were just cool like that. Our brief relationship ran its course. We gave it a try when I first got to high school. The lil puppy love we shared as kids still grew into a more mature love even though we weren’t together. We had a friendship, an understanding, and a connection like no other. Why weren’t we together? The timing was never right. He also knew he was a dog ass nigga and he wanted to spare my heart. I appreciated that but it also made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for him. I was too good to be his doormat though. He treated females like shit and I was superior.
He had the looks, cars, clothes, and good dick so I wasn’t mad at him. He hung up the basketball for eight balls. Don’t hate the player. Females do that to a nigga. You lose money chasing bitches. You never lose bitches chasing money. He was definitely about his money. When I got my time it was special and my ass had niggas just like he had bitches and they were breaking bread too. Our love was the greatest though, the weirdest, and most unexplainable. My words couldn’t even express how my heart really felt for him. He was my shoulder to cry on and my body to comfort me in the midst of a break-up. He comforted me from head to toe, then probably left my crib to see his girl. We were an unknown yet known secret. I loved him and hated him at the same time. I would always be in trouble when he called which was always at odd times. I would drop everything for him. Wake up out of a coma for him. Kill a bitch if they hurt him. Drop my panties at his command and do all the freaky shit he liked. The shit those other girls wouldn’t and couldn’t do. I was Bonnie to his Clyde. He still gave me butterflies when he came around.
Even though I cared for Nell, my heart belonged to someone else, and I was somebody else’s “down ass bitch.” I knew I would date other people throughout life and thought that eventually Yung and I would end up together. I figured we needed to get all the young and dumb shit out of our systems. I figured we would experience college, partying, and the whole young adult scene. Then when we were both ready, we would find each other and live happily ever after. That’s just what I thought though. He expressed his love for me always. We had our own inside jokes. He always admired how cool and real I was. We had great conversations about any and everything. He knew things about me that I would never disclose to another soul. He was disappointed when I moved away and especially since I had to move because I got caught in the basement with another nigga.
My granny was done, so there I was at the train station on the platform ready to start my new life. Yung took me to the train station my last night in town. We made a wish at the wishing fountain. I know I wished that we would always be friends regardless of our lives. I don’t know what he wished, but I hoped it was to be with me. I rode off that night thinking about the people and life I was leaving behind. I would miss my homey, lover, friend though. He was my heart. I needed to see him. It had been about two months. I packed my shit and hopped on the next train without even contacting him. My mom thought I was going to visit my cousin for the weekend.
I called him once I got on the train. I told him to pick me up at six from downtown. He had no problem with it. Told me he would drop off his bro and guy and he was all mine. His background was super loud so we ended the conversation. I was all smiles. I was ready to see his face. I did a little reading on my ride. I finished “The Coldest Winter Ever” which was an excellent read. I stared at the book cover and thought about what I just read and how Sister Soulja had become my new favorite writer. The train started to slow down as it approached the station. My heart started pounding once we made a complete stop. I really don’t know why because his ass was always late. I knew how to play him though. My real arrival time was 6:30pm so I knew he would either be there or close, but never on time. I learned how to adapt to these niggas over the years. I’m very impatient.
Just as I expected, I saw him pulling up right when I got on the platform. I smiled. He met me in the hall, grabbed my bag, and tongued me down. He grabbed my ass and squeezed it really hard. People were staring at us but he did not care. Ok, I knew he missed me, but I ended the public display.
“You know you staying with me right,” he said. That meant I was his girlfriend for the night. That was my plan anyway. Glad we were on the same page. I called my mom and let her know I made it in town as Yung and I hit the highway to the city. He played Webbie’s “Savage Life” as we rode to downtown Chicago.
I fucking loved Chicago at night. It was so beautiful and put me in a
good mood. The buildings, Navy Pier, the stadiums, it all just felt like money. It was like you had to have money to even be out this way or breathe their air. The “City” never slept. It was live 24/7. We got a room downtown on the 20th floor. Neither one of us had a major credit card but money talks. The front desk lady slid us the key after Yung slid her a wad of cash. I saw her checking my boo out too when their hands met. I smacked my lips to keep from slapping her. We walked into the large room to see a beautiful view. I sat on the balcony and took it all in. I sure didn’t feel like a high school student, but more like a woman.
We both watched each other undress and got in the Jacuzzi naked. I sipped on a wine cooler while he drank his Hennessy, and we smoked some of the best weed I had in a long time. We put some bubble bath in the water so it was nice and soapy. We kissed and talked for a few. I told him about my new city. Yung told me nothing really. He wasn’t talking as much as normal. That was odd.
We ordered some food from room service and ate it in our oversized robes on the bed while watching “New Jack City.” It was really late after the sex took place. “I don’t get why Nino had to kill G-Money,” I said feeling sad for what was about to take place.
Yung laughed at me. “Baby, G-Money was slipping,” he said putting me on some nigga knowledge. “He was on that shit, he let a cop into the organization, and he was tripping over a bitch. He had to go, real talk. I would have popped his ass too,” he agreed with Nino.
“I guess he really wasn’t his brothers’ keeper then,” I said laughing. He didn’t. We finished up our steak and potatoes.
I kept feeling Yung staring at me as I wrapped my hair in a ponytail. I asked him what was up yet again but he just said nothing and that he missed me. I wasn’t buying it. I was feeling too horny to mess up the moment with a deep conversation though. I hopped on top of him and opened my robe. I felt that thang rise up. He forgot about what was bothering him.
PPP Box Set Page 15
