by Sonya Jesus
That’s why it smelled so much like him? I smile softly at his confession.
“You aren’t like them, Lia.” I like that I was different to him.
Did you hear him? Them! My Angel makes the word echo through my brain cavity as if it were being screamed off the top of the mountains. Her jealousy is shared by my other inhabitant; maybe even more so. Who was in bed before me?
I pound my hand into the mattress and groan into the air as I hold the phone away from my vicinity. The constant reminder that he’s a notorious lothario disgusts me, irritating even the imaginary people in my head.
My Vixen and Angel team together to make sure I properly envision what he is telling me. My Robins in bed with various other girls. One after another, like a string of pearls. He touches them, pleasures them and moves onto the next in line. Then I lay in the same bed he cheats on his girlfriend with. He probably doesn’t even change the sheets. Ugh. They're probably stained with all sorts of bodily fluids.
Bringing the phone up to my ear, I snap, “How many condoms are in a box?”
He gives me a low chuckle and then clears his throat, immediately sounding more awake, but not any less wanton. “What?” A shuffle and cardboard crinkling echoes through the line. “Twelve.”
I mentally do the math and multiply the number by the three chocolate filled boxes. 36 condoms. He had sex 36 times in two weeks. That’s more than once per day.
“Where did that question come from?”
I sit up, debating on whether or not I should tell him the truth. I’m on an honesty binge, apparently, because I tell him what I am thinking. “I was calculating how much action Tigger got. He’s been a busy little tiger.”
“First off, he is not little, and second, we are going to have to find a new name for him.”
He doesn’t deny the number. Instead, he finds this all amusing. His joy annoys me, so my mouth remains closed until he answers.
“Okay. Yea, but to be honest, I had a lot of time on my hands. So, you can blame my nymphomaniac ways on yourself.”
“I don’t know whether to be disgusted or flattered by your comments, Robins.” I’m going with the honesty thing.
“Disgusted? Why?” His voice changes; it’s strained now.
“36.”
“Oh, come on! I didn’t sleep with 36 women!” he says, before chuckling. “I’m good, but even I’m not that good.”
Is he trying to make me feel better?
“Most of the condoms I used on Meg.”
Not really helping. I start to shake my head at myself.
He breathes deeply. “I’m so fucking confused right now, Lia.”
“Why?” Me too. It’s obvious our relationship has changed. I have feelings for Robins. I can’t deny them any longer. I’m attracted to him. Robins’ space didn’t help me and Connor; his space destroyed the evolution of my current relationship. I can’t love Connor because I think I’m in love with Robins. I sigh loudly at the realization. Fuck me. It’s not just attraction! I’m in love with the one person who I can’t ever be with.
“You ask hard questions, Pooh Bear. I don’t know why I’m confused right now. I know what I should do, and I know what I shouldn’t, and I know that I’m shit out of luck either way.” I swallow a gulp that’s forming in my throat and hold the phone to my chest in case I let out a scream. I understand him completely. If I act on my feelings, I’m doomed, because Robins isn’t the serious kind of guy.
He isn’t the guy for me! He is so far from ideal that I shouldn’t even fathom a future with him. Yet, everything in me is pointing to a progression in our relationship. An alluring evolution that terrifies me because it will destroy me. Getting into anything with Robins is transient, and as good as it will make me feel, as soon as it is over it will cause irrevocable damage and I will undoubtedly lose him forever.
Then again, if I don’t act on it, then I will never know. What’s better? Holding on to him forever or living with the memories of us? I snort. Either way, I’ll always live with the ghost of what I couldn’t have.
I hear my name being called. I hold the phone back up to my ear. “Yea?”
“No matter what happens, you know I’ll always know you by heart, right?” The vulnerability of his voice activates an instinct to protect him.
“Yea, because I’m inside it!” I validate our ‘thing’. “But nothing’s going to happen, Robins.” I’m going to do my best to protect us. Even if that means never knowing what his lips feel like, or teaching myself not to melt at his touch, or making myself love someone else. I will not throw away our friendship. If I don’t act on these feelings, they will go away. They have to.
“Okay, so I’ll see you later?” He’s back to his cheery self.
I hang up and take a moment to compose myself. I can do this. I can be just friends with Robins. Plus, he has Meg, and I have Connor. Well, if I find a way to keep Connor. I’ll do anything I have to in order to preserve the one good male relationship in my life right now. Though, that isn’t very fair to Connor, is it?
Thinking of Connor, I check my phone; no messages from him. I guess he didn’t figure things out yet, but I did have a couple missed calls from a private number. Maybe it was him. I scroll to his name and almost dial, then look at the chocolates in my trash can and decide to ask him later.
I plug in my phone to recharge the battery and head to the closet, musing over this Connor versus Robins situation, and how completely screwed I am either way.
I’m annoying the shit out of myself with this back and forth, and I swear to God that I’m about ready to strangle the Angel in my head with the Vixen´s whip and then drown the Vixen. They are providing no help whatsoever. I don’t want to be this girl because this girl sucks. This indecisiveness has to stop. I just need to figure out how to go about it.
Ugh! Where is Mel when I need her?
Okay, if I focus on the facts, I know three things: I love Robins, I don’t love Connor, and I’m attracted to both of them. Seems simple. If I take out the common, or the attraction (because let’s be honest, I’m attracted to more than just these two), and judge on the different, or the love, than I have my decision: Robins.
But, it’s never that simple. Nothing in my life is ever that simple because I make it a complicated mess. I wish I was metaphorically colorblind, and only saw black and white and the shades of gray in between, but no, I have to live in the freaking Crayola factory. There are so many shades of something that I will never find the one I am looking for.
Making decisions is not my forte. So, there is only one thing I can think of to help: talk to Robins and Connor and then go from there. I may be going back and forth over a decision that has already been made for me. Connor may decide we are over, and Robins… ugh, I never know with him, so I have to find out what is going on.
But, 36.
That number is hard to forget. I may love Robins, but I keep coming back to the one point I can’t seem to forget: he and I are not relationship material. We will never make it. I don’t even know if it’s worth addressing the subject with.
Content with my decision, I gather my things for the shower. I switch my shoes for shower sandals and… Wait! Why is my drawer open? I go over to it and see everything exactly as I left it. I just don’t remember leaving it open.
Oh well. I grab my towel, step onto the fuzzy carpet, undress and throw my clothes into the hamper. Wrapping my towel around myself, I step out into the living room.
The alien in my stomach is going to have to wait until later to eat, though my coffee will probably be cold by then. Eh, I probably shouldn’t be drinking coffee anyway.
“Oh hey, Lia!” Harper says in an awfully cheery mood. She’s wrapped in a towel too, and we fall into step as we head towards the showers.
“How was your night?”
“Amazing, he just left. We fell asleep, but he couldn’t stay since he had work to do.”
She’s beaming so many rays of happy sunshine all over the place that
she’s giving me a sunburn. “Glad you two are hitting it off.”
“He’s incredible! Except for the standing me up that night, no one has ever treated me as well as he has. He doesn’t pressure me into anything. Get this! He wants to wait until I feel comfortable and he can devote all his attention to me.” She pauses for a moment, flashing me an excited smile I haven’t seen on her in a while before continuing, “I sort of thought he was different you know? Everyone told me about his player days, but all I got was a gentleman.”
I chuckle as Harper gushes about her new boy toy. “He’s always been sweet, Harper. I’m glad he’s treating you right.”
“He did things to me last night…” she moans, causing me to blush. “That make me wish he was a whole lot less gentlemanly. He could use all those damn muscles to ravish me anytime he wants.”
“So, you really like him, huh?” I question, holding the bathroom door open. Both of us head over to our cabinets and get our shower caddies.
“Have you seen him?”
He’s hard to miss.
“I feel like I’m out of my league, but then he makes me feel like I am the one out of his league. Guys like that don’t usually act that way.”
“He’s different than the rest of his buddies,” I admit. “I’m glad you two worked it out. Are you seeing him again tonight?”
“Tomorrow night.” She glows, stepping into the shower on the far right.
I place the caddie on the counter and look in the mirror, grabbing some makeup remover and rub at the mascara stains.
Harper turns on the shower, the sound of water muffles her voice a bit, but I can still understand her. “How was your night with Mr. Romance?” she teases.
Which one? They didn’t know about Robins.
“Did you sleep with him?” she asks.
I release an unladylike snort.
Harper pokes her head out from the shower curtain, her forehead crinkled in confusion. “What did Connor do?”
I throw the cotton in the trash and turn to her. “Turns out Mr. Romance has an issue with celibacy.” I head over to the shower, taking my towel and hanging it on the hook near the wall.
“You told him?” Her voice is louder since we were speaking over the sound of the running water. “Okay, I admit it. I heard your fight.”
“What?” I stop lathering my body.
“We were sitting on the couch last night, so we caught a lot of it. You were arguing.”
“Lovely!” I say, washing my skin a little too ferociously.
“When we went to the bedroom, we couldn’t hear you anymore. So, I didn’t know how it ended, but I guessed it didn’t end well.”
“It ended with me spending the night over at Robins.”
“No way,” she squeals loudly. “You two back together?”
“We aren’t dating, Harper. But yes, Robins is back in my life,” I say, happily admitting it. “All we did was eat chocolate and watch movies. I ended up falling asleep, though.”
“Okay, and?” she asks as if she understands where I am going with this.
I finish my shower, sticking my hand out to grab the towel. I listen for the sound of running water in her stall. She must be finished too. “If Connor decides that we are still together, should I tell him that I went to see Robins?”
It takes a few seconds before she answers. “No. Don’t tell Haley either.”
“Don’t tell Haley what?” Haley asks.
I pause, still inside the shower. How long had she been eavesdropping?
Harper steps out. “Robins and Lia talked, he’ll be coming around again.” Harper clues her in without giving her too much information.
“Does Connor know?” It’s always about him with her.
“Connor’s the one who told me to settle things with Robins,” I say, almost forgetting that little tidbit of information.
Harper lets out a laugh.
“What?” I question where the amusement was, but I get no response. “Why didn’t you give me the chocolates and the teddy bear, Haley?”
She humphs. “I forgot. I left them in your room though.”
“I noticed.”
“I guess you didn’t have any?”
I pull the curtain back. “No, I didn’t have any. I put them in the trash.”
“Why would you do that?” Harper interrupts the conversation. “You don’t just throw away good chocolate. If you don’t want them, give them to me.”
“No,” Haley replies immediately.
I agree with her. “They’ve been in the trash. They fell on the floor. I had no choice but to throw them away.” I wipe down my caddie with the edge of the towel before storing it in my cabinet.
“All of them fell on the floor?” Haley asks, surprised.
“Um yea.” I am unwilling to admit what happened. “I tripped. Chocolates were flying everywhere.” I open my drawer, grabbing my facial lotion and lathering it on. Harper stands in front of the mirror beside me, and Haley has her shower caddie in hand. The moment she steps in the shower, Harper shakes her head in Haley’s direction, and I understand. She mouths no privacy.
I shrug my shoulders. You never know who's watching or listening. I wrap a towel around my hair. Haley asks me something, but I can’t hear her over Harper’s blow dryer, and I just ignore her. I take the lotion from the caddie and get out of there before I had to talk to Haley any longer. The sound of her voice was starting to get to me.
I head into my room, plop down on my bed and lotion my legs. I decide to have breakfast before getting dressed, so I make myself some instant decaf coffee. This is disgusting. That’s my first thought when I sip it. After I add some sugar and hazelnut cream, I can tolerate the taste a little better.
I go over to my computer, moving the mouse to wake it up. I haven’t checked my Facebook page in almost two weeks. I log into my account and have 76 notifications and some friend requests. I click on the friend requests first and nearly choke on my poor excuse for coffee when I see that the soccer suite Gods have befriended me. I scroll down, and sure enough, Dylan, Theodore, Sebastian, and Marcus all requested me. I nearly fall off my chair when I see Aiden Key’s name at the end of the list.
Is there a date on this thing? When did they request friendship? I fumble through the web page frantically looking for a date. What the hell? You fail, Facebook! How am I supposed to know if they asked me two weeks ago after the Diner, or yesterday after Coach Reid almost bullied me into going for a swim? Not that the date matters, I mean, the Zeus of all Soccer Gods wants to be my friend.
Hmm. Why does he want to be my friend though? Haley be they were hacked. I click on the profiles; they have way t0o many friends in common to be hacked accounts.
I could not accept them, and pretend like I don’t go on my social media. No, that would be mean, right? He did save my ass last night. I click on “accept friends” and immediately shut off the computer, so I don’t stalk their pages.
I rush to get dressed and head out for my afternoon class, feeling a little too excited about the Gods befriending me. I mean Ahhh! It’s so exciting. I allow myself a few seconds of girly excitement before I compose myself and act like a sane person. Did I not just have a conversation about deciding between Connor and Robins? Adding the Soccer Gods into the mix is a recipe for disaster.
Who the freak am I kidding? My breathing is a recipe for love catastrophes.
I’m starting to feel nauseous again. I’ve had a way too emotional day. Either that or the decaf is bad for my stomach, because when I have the Breaker or Diner coffee, I am fine.
Ginger tea might help calm my stomach. I change directions and head for the Breaker.
I’m standing in line, playing on my phone, when I get a text message from Connor. I regret last night. I am an asshole. I click the message away, needing a moment of reprieve from my love life drama.
I get another text message from Connor. Haley says you aren’t home because you have class until later. Come see me so we can talk?
Here it goes. The talk. Maybe I could break up with him before he breaks up with me? I put my phone away and wait for my turn in line. I didn’t want to think about break ups right now.
“Getting some chicken fingers?” Dylan startles me. I jump back, knocking into someone. I feel hands around my upper arms holding me up. I mumble a thank you and don’t bother to look back since it’s probably Aiden, and I don’t have time for his cocky attitude today, Facebook friend or not. The strong arms release me, and I quickly count the four people in front of me before I can get away from the guy who rescued my Diet Coke.
“Hey, Dylan.” I turn my upper body towards him. He is alone. Thank God. I tilt my head to the side, wondering who I bumped into and see Blaze’s smiling face staring back at me. I give him a polite smile, and he frowns, looking away from me quickly. Was he mad at me? I’m confused. What happened last night for him to be mad at me?
“Heard you got romanticized last night by the Freshman,” Dylan prods.
I groan and throw my head back, no longer paying attention to Blaze. “Don’t remind me.”
Dylan squints his eyes. “Trouble in Paradise, Princess?”
“Ask me later when Connor and I talk.”
Blaze makes an awkward sound, causing both of us to glance at him, but he isn’t paying attention to us. Or pretends not to be.
“Oh? It’s like that.”
“I have no idea what anything is anymore.” I’m too nauseous to pretend right now. “Did you attend any of the meetings today?”
“No, the coaches handle that. Honestly, I think Coach Reid would prefer we have nothing to do with it. Every year the freshmen get carried away, and we always end up with team members getting written up and on academic probation.”
“Well, from what you told me yesterday they started early this year.”
“They’re idiots. Because of them, we are killing ourselves. We had six a.m. practice yesterday, and the day before that we had normal afternoon practice and punishment swims. Yesterday the same. At least this morning he cut us a break. I am so tired I can barely function.”
Coach Reid is an asshole. That, I remember. “I’m sorry?”
