I started to become nauseated, and my head was spinning.
“I…it’s been a long day. I think I need to sleep.”
“Okay.” she pacifyingly smiled at me, knowing full well what was going on in my head. “Get some sleep, baby, I’ll be right out here if you need me.”
“Thanks, Aunt Kathryn.” I gave her a one armed hug and made my way to find my hidden lover.
I opened the door to the bedroom and was taken aback by the chill in the air. The room seemed empty, doomed. I walked to the open window and tried with the full might of my one arm to seal it shut. It dawned on me that I was not the one who opened it in the first place. Ryan must have left. He snuck out. I guess it really was over. I guess, as long as no one found out about our previous meetings, this split was for the best. I turned, feeling the weight of the day on my shoulders. It was finally time for bed.
I took a step, accidently kicking a book across the floor. Did the wind knock the book from the bookshelf? I lowered my aching body to the ground, grasping the thick binding in my hand. It was a book of sonnets, belonging to my mother. I flipped open the cover, for the first time noticing the penmanship on the page:
E,
Saints do not move, though grant for prayers’ sake
Then move not, while my prayer’s effect I take…
Today, tomorrow, and past the light,
J
Had Ryan seen this page? Did he know its origin? Maybe he was leaving me a message that he planned on seeing me again. Or else the message was reflective of the outcome. I read the passage again, contemplating his intention.
Today, tomorrow, and past the light. Wait, that wasn’t part of the verse. What did that mean?
And who was “J”?
May 18, 1993
My E,
I feel as though I’ve stepped out of a dream. I haven’t been whole for so long. I thought this cruel world had condemned me to a life knowing that you were so close, yet beyond my reach.
But there I was, holding you in my arms, smelling your sweet breath, and melting as your warmth surrounded me. You said once that maybe we were molding each other to be the companion that we dreamed, that maybe our love was only in our heads. After three years of dreaming about you, I curse my dreams for not coming close to your reality. And for that, I cannot allow you to leave me again.
Say what you will, but you need me, and I need you. I would give my life to be the man you deserve. You are my all, today, tomorrow, and past the light.
Soon,
J
Ryan – Present Day
Minutes turned to hours, hours to days, and days to weeks. The warm October twisted into a chilled November. I’d made a point to put Grace from my mind; my focus was on repairing my club. Everyone had come together, dedicated to making our family whole yet again. Guys tossed around ideas, offering up suggestions regarding our retaliation, but nothing would be seriously considered until our clubhouse was back on its feet. Pops wanted us to be strong before we fought.
I worked longer, harder than the other members, but I had more to prove. I still carried the weight of our failed plan, and I was determined to set things straight. Not only that, but I had nothing else to do. If I was to give myself any free time, there was the likely possibility that I would find an excuse to seek out Grace. I couldn’t take that chance.
“Ry,” Pops yelled from the ground, “you almost done up there? I want to talk to you about something.”
“I have three more shingles to nail down. What’s up?”
“Just some things I want to bounce off of you. Come inside when you’re done.”
“Okay.”
I hadn’t done much talking over the past five or six weeks. I, of course, feared the inevitable questions about Grace, but for the most part, I just didn’t care to talk. I wanted to work. I wanted to fix our broken home. Still, some things couldn’t be avoided, and the three shingles were now in place. Work on the interior would begin in the morning. It was almost complete. Revenge was on the horizon.
I pushed through the heavy new door and danced around piles of two by fours, sheetrock, and insulation. Pops and Uncle Sean were leaning against a beam, awaiting my arrival.
“What’s going on, guys?”
Pops stalled, obviously unsure of how to continue. Sean, unsurprisingly, had no issue staging his attack.
“Where is Grace Brennan?”
“What?” Some part of me knew it was coming, but the bluntness of it all shook me.
“Your girlfriend. Where is she?”
“I haven’t seen her. And she’s not my girlfriend.”
Pops played the other angle. “Ryan, we just need to know what we’re up against.”
“What are you saying Pops?”
“We’re not going to hurt her. It’s just…well, kid, she knew you were a member of this club, and she hid her own identity from you. It’s suspicious, to say the least. We’re just interested to know how long she could have been spying on us without our knowledge. We need to be ready for anything.”
“I told you she had nothing to do with this.”
Sean was getting impatient. “Stop defending her. She’s one of them.”
“She’s not!”
“Then tell me, Son,” Pops calmly approached me, “how else could they have known?”
I wanted the conversation to be over. I wanted them to forget they knew about Grace.
Sean slammed his fist into the beam. “Shit, kid, are you stupid? When are you going to get it through your head that she’s using you?”
“Ry, we just want to talk to her.”
“What are you asking me? Do you want me to give you her address so you go bombard her in her home? It’s not happening.”
“Then maybe you could do it.” This had to have been what they were trying to get at all along.
“You want me to ask Grace to spy on her family for us?”
Sean jeered. “You said she’s not one of them.”
“But she’s also not one of us.”
“Exactly. And yet, you brought her into our lives. Now you take care of it.”
“I’m not taking care of anything. She wants nothing to do with this life. Let her stay out of it.”
“If you won’t do it…”
Pops interrupted. “Sean…”
“No. I’m sick and tired of you two being soft. We need to defend our own. If that means the girl has to go, then so be it.”
It was instinctual. Within an instant I was at his throat, lifting him off the ground by his jaw. “If you lay a finger on her, so help me Sean—”
Pops didn’t move. He simply stopped us with his voice. “That’s enough. We’ll figure out our retribution as a family. Not by a pissing match in the middle of an unfinished room.”
I set Sean down and took two steps back.
He flashed a toothy grin and winked. “The funny thing is, kid, you know I’m right.”
If I had been personally detached from this, and a vote was cast around the table, I might have agreed with Sean. Bowie took away our clubhouse. What better way to get back at him than to take away his daughter? Sure, it was extreme, but that’s what we did. We never promised to be good.
But his daughter was Grace. My vote would always swing in her favor.
“Grace is off the table.” I turned toward the exit, finished with the conversation.
Sean’s whisper was meant for my ears. “We’ll see.”
I slammed the door behind me, making certain they knew my feelings toward the previous conversation, but I didn’t walk away, not just yet.
Sean, as I’d assumed, still had words to say. “I told you. He’s too involved with this broad to see the big picture. We have to take care of it ourselves.”
“He said he’s stopped seeing her, and I believe him.”
“Stop looking at Ryan as your son for just a second. We need to do something about this chick. If he’s really not seeing her anymore, he’ll understand that.”
/> There was a brief pause, but Pops came back into the conversation. “Fine, Sean, talk to me. Do you know where she’s living?”
“I’ve known the whole time.”
“Then do you have something in mind?”
I waited breathless for Sean’s suspense-built reply. “Little bro, it’s already taken care of.”
Grace- Present Day
I don’t know for what I was waiting. It was silly to think that he’d come throwing stones at my window in the middle of the night, but the schoolgirl fantasy refused to stop its constant play in my thoughts. Aunt Kathryn stayed at my side, walking me to and from class, through the seminars, the labs, the midterms, and the study groups. I don’t quite know from whom she believed she could protect me, but the company was nice for a change. Without Ryan, I really had no one. The one time in my life I finally opened up to another person, it ended in disaster. The likelihood of me trying again was dwindling each day.
“Did you grab your toothbrush?” Aunt Kathryn called from the living room.
“Got it! You?”
“Nope!”
“Good thing you reminded yourself then, huh?”
We were heading home for Thanksgiving weekend. I had a few days off from class, and Aunt Kathryn had been pushing to have a big family dinner. I think she missed my Dad. She still refused to drop any hints, but I could read her almost as well as she could read me.
“Maybe we should take separate cars.” I suggest.
“Thinking about sneaking off on me to find your mystery lover?”
“No, I told you that was over.”
“Uh, huh…”
“I was thinking, you know, maybe you could stay home. I only have three weeks of class until winter break. It’s silly for us both to be here.”
“You’re lucky you’re pretty, because I think that concussion messed with your brain. Come on, we’ll take my car.”
“Don’t you miss him?”
“Excuse me?”
“Oh come on. Don’t pretend that you’re hiding some grave secret from me. My mom’s been dead for almost twenty years. I think it’s okay if he moves on.”
Her face wrinkled and her tears took black mascara on their trail. She was so dramatic, but I loved it.
“You knew? You knew this whole time? Well not the whole time, but really? And you never told anyone? How did you keep this in?”
Did she want me to answer any of these questions or was this all rhetorical?
She continued on, “I’m sorry for not telling you sooner, baby girl. We were trying to protect you.”
“You guys really got to stop it with the protecting.”
She cocked her head to the side, instantly becoming her standard sarcastic self. “I’m sorry, didn’t you just get the ability to move your arm back because you, oh wait…what was it? Oh right, you were shot.”
“Okay, enough from you.”
She grabbed me in a bear hug. “You know I love you so much.”
“I love you too.” I choked out.
“I want to be here with you; I want to make sure you’re safe. I’m not only doing this for your dad.”
It was sweet, touching, but I couldn’t allow this to continue for the rest of my life.
“But I need to figure out things on my own.” I plopped down on the couch, ready for my confession. “This is the life you chose. This life fulfills you. I see that. You love taking care of the girls and how the boys all show you respect. You love the camaraderie of all the women who wait for their men to come home at night so they can wipe the blood off their faces and kiss their scars.”
“Why are you talking like this, Gracie? It’s your family too.”
“But it’s the life I was born into. I had no choice. And I’ll continue to have no choice as long as I stay in it.”
“Grace, I was born into it too. Do you know how many times I’ve thought about how different my life would’ve been had I been shoved into foster care instead of your granddaddy taking me in?”
“Okay then, so you can understand me.”
“No, because what you’re saying is nonsense. This is your family. You’re royalty in our little society. The club needs its princess.”
“I will never be comfortable walking around with a ‘property of’ patch or sporting a black eye because I spoke out of line.”
“You know your father would kill anyone who touches you.”
“Not if I were an ol’ lady to one of the members. Then I’d be fair game.” The conversation was working me up. “I can’t, Aunt Kathryn, I just can’t.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m a twenty-three year old grad student with red hair and freckles from central Pennsylvania. Do you know what people think when they look at me? I can tell you for sure that no one has any clue about the life I lead. No one can understand me. But I want to open up to someone. I want to be able to step outside my door without having to look over my shoulder to make sure no one is following me.” I pressed my lips together as I rolled up my sleeve. My voice cracked. “And I don’t want to keep reliving that night every time I see this scar.”
She took my hand in hers. We were silent, both blinking tears from our eyes.
“Are you running away?”
“After the semester.”
“To where?”
“I don’t know yet.”
“With the boy?”
“Ha,” I laughed, “not with the boy.”
“Can I convince you to stay?”
I turned toward her, giving a half-hearted smile. “Please don’t tell.”
She threw her arms around me, and I back. When the moment was over, I took her shoulders in my hands and offered my goodbye.
“I’m taking my car. Meet you at home.”
“I’ll leave in a few minutes. I should probably fix my makeup. I’m sure I look like a bat.”
“A bat?”
“You know, with the…” She made a weird gesture with her hands as I laughed at her ridiculousness.
I was really looking forward to having a few hours to myself. I had finally told someone that I was leaving. It was now real. Lost in thought, I rounded into the empty garage. It looked as though everyone had already deserted the city for the Thanksgiving festivities. My footsteps echoed, the sounds only being swallowed up by a few lonely vehicles. I hit the button on my keychain, unlocking my car, and took the five or so more steps toward the driver’s side. Stopping at the door, I heard my footsteps continue their echo. The dimly lit garage darkened as if only the lights above me had been hidden.
A swift hand covered my mouth.
I couldn’t scream.
Ryan
“Grace. Grace. It’s me. Don’t shout.” I whispered to her in the vacant garage, her hot breath beating against the palm of my hand. I’d flipped her around, pushing my hips into hers and pinning her up against the car.
Of course it was not the most ideal way of meeting, but I had to make sure I wasn’t followed or drawing attention. I assumed she would be spending the holiday with her family, so I snuck out early and sat at the bakery across the street, awaiting her departure. I quietly followed her into the garage, ensuring that no one would be joining our little meet up.
I peeled my hand from her lips.
“You scared the hell out of me, Ryan. What was that for?”
“I’m sorry, Grace, I needed to make sure you were okay.”
“What’s everyone’s deal with having to protect me? I can take care of myself, now go away.”
I didn’t know what to expect, but I thought she’d be a little happier to see me. I was certainly happy to see her. My body felt alive again as it pressed up against hers.
“What? Why?”
“Umm, maybe because this little meet and greet could get either one of us killed?”
“No, I was careful. I walked a mile, took a cab another two, walked again, and a cab took me the rest of the way. No one would have been able to follow me. ”
&nbs
p; “That’s ridiculous. Get off of me.” Her jaw pushed forward. Why was she angry with me?
“No. No.” I didn’t understand why she was fighting me. I didn’t want to get off her. I framed her face in my hands, tracing her freckles with my thumbs and calming her down. “But that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. My Pops and uncle still don’t believe that you had nothing to do with the raid. I don’t know if they’re planning something, but if they are, it involves you.”
“What?” She seemed anxious; her breathing became shallow. “How so?”
“I don’t know. I lashed out at my uncle when he made any suggestion of involving you, so anything that goes down, I’m sure they’re leaving me out of it.”
“Oh my God, Ryan, do they know…about us?” She was hesitant, obviously as confused about our relationship as I was.
“They know we’d met before the match and that I didn’t know you were a Brennan, but yes Grace, they’re not idiots.”
“This is not good.” She sank down, allowing my knees to catch her hips.
I bent to meet her, resting her head in my hand. “Hey, it’ll be okay. We’ll get through this.”
She looked up at me, her blue eyes swollen and bloodshot from previous tears. I cradled her in my arms while we sat, embracing on the cold concrete floor.
“Where have you been? You left without saying goodbye.” She whispered into my ear, sending chills down my back.
“Everyone has been a bit on edge at the club. I wanted to make sure you were kept out of it.”
Blood of Cupids Page 11
