by Isabel Morin
“This is my third year on the hill,” he says. “I was so miserable my first week here I tried to switch to another dorm, but it was such a hassle I gave up.”
“The first week is the worst,” I agree, trying to hide how out of breath I am. “If it wasn’t for the snack bar, I’m not sure it’d be worth it.”
“The snack bar,” he repeats, his tone dreamy. “I’ve been thinking about their Philly cheese steaks all summer.”
“Don’t forget the brownie sundaes,” I add. My stomach growls just thinking about it.
The snack bar is the best thing about living in Taylor, though it’s easy to pack on the pounds if you’re not careful. I didn’t gain weight last year so much as finally start looking like a grown woman. I’m twenty-one years old, but I’ve had breasts and hips for only a couple of years, so they’re still kind of novel to me.
Everything is novel to me, including talking to a guy who seems into me.
We reach the top of the hill, where the path flattens out and winds around to the front door. We smile in relief, like we just reached the peak of Everest, before heading around to the front of my dorm.
I stop at the front steps. “Thanks for your help.”
He hands the bag over. “I’m Brian, by the way.”
“Hannah,” I say, and even this simple exchange makes me blush.
He has no idea he’s talking to a college senior with the romantic and sexual experience of a Victorian spinster. I haven’t kissed a boy since I was eight years old and Danny Mallow took a dare and laid one on me.
His grin is friendly and flirty, and even I recognize his look of interest and speculation. I’ve seen it aimed at other girls plenty of times. For a second I think he might ask for my number, but he just smiles and scuffs his shoe on the pavement.
“Nice to meet you, Hannah. I’ll be seeing you.” He turns and walks off, looking back over his shoulder with a cute grin and a little wave.
I should be elated. Less than three hours on campus with my new face and I’ve had a nibble of interest. At least, I think that’s what it is. Maybe I’m wrong, though. Audrey better get back soon. I need some serious instruction on how to act like a human college girl.
I’m almost to my suite when someone calls my name. I turn around to see Ishaan coming out of a room a few doors down. He, Derek, and Audrey played a lot of cards last year. Audrey will be thrilled to know he’s right down the hall from us now.
His eyes widen in surprise and his smile gets bigger as he comes toward me.
“Hey Hannah, what’s up? Anything in there for me?”
I can’t tell if he’s being friendly or flirtatious. How do I know the difference? Is there a difference?
“I’m willing to part with a banana, if you’re starving.”
“I’m only kidding. I wouldn’t take your food. Besides, it’s too healthy.”
I drop my bags on the floor and grab my water bottle. “I thought you and Derek were moving off campus.”
“We didn’t have time to look. Anyway, this is easier.”
“Are you still rooming together?”
“Yeah. Neither of us got a single.”
“Audrey and I are together again, too. She should be here soon. Unless she reformed over the summer, she’ll probably be looking for a game.”
“Cool. I’ll find her later.” He heads a few steps down the hall, then looks back. “You should play with us sometime.”
I smile, caught off guard by the invitation. “Thanks. Maybe I will.”
I’m still smiling as I close the door. It’s not like I haven’t been asked to play cards with them before. At the beginning of last year they asked me a bunch of times, but I always said no. Partly because I always had too much work to do, and I get nervous at the thought of letting up. But if I’m honest with myself, I didn’t want to deal with the social interactions. I could handle studying, but I couldn’t handle hanging out with guys. I was so sure everyone would think I was lame. Also, I didn’t want anyone to look at me. Audrey really wanted me to play, but I assumed the others asked only to be nice.
I’m glad Ishaan didn’t give up on me.
I’m standing on my bed trying to line up my poster of a waterfall in Costa Rica—a calming image for when I’m freaking out—when someone squeals and drops something heavy in the other room.
I step down from the bed just as Audrey comes running in.
“Oh my God, you look amazing,” she says, throwing her arms around me.
“You act like you haven’t seen me in months,” I laugh. “We’ve been video chatting at least once a week.”
“Seeing you in person is entirely different. I feel your new energy.” She flops onto my bed, which is already made, and lets out a dramatic sigh as she closes her eyes. “It’s good to be back.”
I climb onto the bed, stepping over her to put up another poster, this one of Marie Curie. “Tell me about it. The last three weeks at home nearly drove me crazy. My mom wanted to know where I was every second.”
“I’d never survive being at home again. I need a backup if I don’t have a job lined up.”
“You’ll get something. You’ve done incredible pieces for the Courier.”
“I’ve got some great ideas for this year, too.”
Audrey’s famous—or maybe infamous, depending on who you are—for her articles in the campus paper. She does in-depth stories about the university—hirings and diversity issues, cheating scandals, that kind of thing. The administration isn’t always thrilled about it, but students love it. I’d never have the guts to ask the kinds of questions she does, but I also don’t have a problem with authority. I’ve always done what I’m told.
I jump off the bed and stand back. Madam Curie is tilted ever so slightly to the side, but I don’t feel like climbing over Audrey again. I’ll deal with it later.
She gives me an assessing look from her prone position. “You’re going to be fighting off the guys this year. You know that, don’t you?”
This sends twin thrills of delight and fear through me. I make a face at her. “Somehow I doubt that.”
“Well, you shouldn’t. This is no time for false modesty. You need to be prepared.”
I can’t help laughing at how serious she sounds, like this is some new cause we need to get behind. “It’s not false if I think you’re overstating things. I agree I look better—I just don’t think I’m going to be launching any ships.”
“That brain of yours is going to get in your way. You always overthink things.”
I can’t argue with that, so I decide to change the subject. “Are you going to unpack now, or after lunch?”
The mention of lunch diverts her. She gets up and looks at the luggage she left in the common room. “I can’t deal with that on an empty stomach. Let’s go eat.”
“I did meet a guy when I was coming back from the store,” I tell her as we’re heading down the hill. I lower my voice as a guy huffs his way past us, heading up. “He carried one of my bags.”
Audrey stops in her tracks and grabs my arm. “Oh my God, I told you. This is just the beginning. You’ll have guys eating out of your hand in no time.”
“I wouldn’t go that far.”
“You’ll see,” she says, as if she has a line on the future.
“Oh, I saw Ishaan earlier. He and Derek are right down the hall from us.”
“Hmm. That’s convenient.”
“And dangerous.”
At the end of last semester, her mom showed up to take her home, and Audrey was in the middle of a marathon Hearts game. None of her stuff was packed and her mom totally lost it in front of everyone. Audrey was mortified.
She waves this off. “You worry too much.”
“Casey’s on our floor, too,” I add. “I ran into him over at Chadwick and walked back to the dorm with him.”
Her eyes get a far-off look in them. “He really is yummy. Just think, we may get to see him in a towel.”
I hadn’t even thought of that. Casey in a towel would indeed be a beautiful thing.
Chapter Two
Someone texts Audrey later that day about a big party at one of the farmhouses off campus, but we decide instead to do a girls’ thing with Jen so we can all catch up at our favorite pizza place, where we hog a booth and make our way through a large pizza, family-style Caesar salad, and a pitcher of beer.
The beer’s cheap and disgusting, but secretly I’m training myself to like it. Or at least not gag on it. Drinking might come in handy if I’m going to take part in normal college activities.
“So, ladies,” Jen begins. She pauses dramatically until she has our attention.
Jen has presence, the kind you either have or you don’t. She’s on the plump side—in a lush, Rubenesque way—and she’s super pretty, with big blue eyes and shaggy blond hair dyed a pale purple. It looks like the sky when the sun is setting.
She continues. “It’s our senior year and we’re all single. Let’s make it count. Who do you want to sleep with this year? You first, Hannah.”
My heart starts to beat harder, the way it does when sex comes up in conversation. Which it does a lot. I live in fear someone will catch on and I’ll be outed.
Only Audrey knows my status as oldest virgin in the Northeast. Her gaze flicks worriedly at me before darting away. “I don’t plan things like that,” she says. “I like to seize opportunities as they come.”
I appreciate Audrey’s attempt to head Jen off, but she’s not that easily derailed.
“Come on, guys. If we tell each other who we’re into, the other two can help make something happen.”
The bell on the door rings and a couple of guys come in and order slices, grabbing a table a few feet away from us. The place is packed, and loud enough that no one can hear what we’re talking about. Thank God.
“Hannah?” Jen asks.
Panic seizes up my brain. “I don’t know. Casey.”
It just comes out, maybe because he was the first guy I had a conversation with today, maybe because he left a shimmery impression on my retinas, like you get after looking straight at the sun. Every girl on campus has at least a tiny crush on him, so on the face of it this is a harmless thing to say. But Audrey stares at me, and Jen has a pinched look.
Because I forgot one tiny detail.
Jen slept with Casey early last year.
Jen, so utterly confident and seemingly indestructible, had a one-night stand with Casey and has remained totally infatuated with him ever since.
I’m an idiot. I suck at these games, and I suck at talking about guys, even in the most casual, superficial way.
“Jen, I—”
“Pick someone else.”
“Um, Brian.”
“Brian who?”
“I don’t know his last name. He’s a senior in Whistler. I just met him today.”
Jen nods, her shoulders relaxing, and turns her laser-like attention to Audrey.
Audrey just shrugs. “I don’t know. I’ll probably hook up with Todd again.”
This is anticlimactic, since she and Todd already sleep together every now and then. But Audrey hasn’t ever been serious about any guy, not as long as I’ve known her, and she doesn’t make a big deal out of sex, either.
“That’s it?” Jen asks. “You’re not aiming very high.”
“For now,” Audrey says. “Anyway, Todd’s a great guy.”
Todd is a great guy, and I’m pretty sure he’d like more from Audrey than the occasional shag, but she isn’t interested.
It’s Jen’s turn, and I can tell Audrey’s as reluctant as I am to hear her pick. So reluctant neither of us asks.
“I have my eye on Frank Travalini, but I might just give Casey another shot,” she says, to no one’s surprise.
We both hoped Jen would be over Casey when she came back this year, but no such luck. Which means she’ll continue talking about him like he’s an actual prospect, when in reality it’s clear he moved on a long time ago.
The conversation turns to what classes we’re taking, but I can’t stop thinking about the premise of Jen’s little game. I desperately want to have sex with someone before I graduate from college. But not just anyone. I’m as horny as the next girl, but it’s not only about the sex. I want to know what it feels like to have a guy know me and like me. I want to feel something.
Is that asking so much?
…
Classes start on Wednesday, so on Monday I go to Professor Stein’s lab to work out my hours for the semester. As great as Professor Stein is, most of my time in the lab is spent with the postdocs, so it’s great to see them again. At first, they all look amazed at my new face and smile so hard I think they’ll injure themselves, but eventually things get back to normal.
After that I head to the walk-in health clinic in town to set my volunteer hours. Carlyle sits in a rural part of the Hudson Valley, and the town grew out of it. It’s a pretty fun college town with lots of great restaurants—which I rarely go to, since I’m on a tight budget—a few music venues, an art-house movie theater, and some cool stores geared toward students.
Overall, the town is pretty well-off, but there are still plenty of people struggling, and that’s where the clinic comes in. At first, I was really nervous about working there. I do intakes, and most people aren’t crazy about sharing details with a college kid. What they don’t know is that I see myself in them. My mom has always struggled to make ends meet, and if her luck had been just a little worse, we would have needed a place like this.
The antiseptic smell of the building greets me as I walk in, as familiar as the smell of my own home. It’s pretty quiet at the moment, but I recognize the woman sitting in the waiting room with her young son, so I stop and say hi before adding my name to the open spots in the schedule.
When I get back to my room late that afternoon I settle in at my desk and start working through my senior project ideas, and I can barely get them down fast enough. Most of them center around the healthcare and population of the clinic. I could also focus on the research I’ve been doing in the lab. That would be more technical in nature.
“Hey. We need a fourth for Hearts.”
It takes me a few seconds to pull myself out of my thoughts. When I look up, Audrey’s standing in the doorway, an expectant look on her face.
I try to focus. “What?”
“We’re getting a game going but we need a fourth. Want to play?”
“Right this second? I’m kind of in the middle of something.”
“Classes haven’t even started.”
“I know, but I wanted to make some headway on my senior project.”
“Please? Hearts sucks with only three people.”
Sometimes I wish Audrey and I were more alike. It’s not that she doesn’t take her classes seriously, but she doesn’t start her papers until a day or two before they’re due, and she crams for exams. I suppose she’s used to working on short deadlines for newspapers, but I don’t work that way. I like to think through my ideas, and the more time I have, the better they are.
“It’ll suck with me as the fourth. I haven’t played in nearly a year.”
Her eyes light up as she senses me weakening. “It’ll come back to you. Besides, if you’re awful, that just gives me a better chance of winning.”
“Fine, I’ll play,” I say, closing my laptop.
She looks surprised, probably because she thought asking me was a fruitless enterprise.
While I’m partly doing it to appease her, that’s not the only reason. I’d stand firm if I really didn’t want to play, but I can hear people laughing in the hallway and music drifts out from other rooms. Life, in other words, and I want to be
part of it.
I follow Audrey farther down the hall and into Derek and Ishaan’s suite. Whereas Audrey and I have already unpacked everything and decorated, it still looks like they just moved in. Their common room is full of cardboard boxes and crates, but they’ve cleared enough space for us to squeeze in.
Trace, another occasional Hearts player, is sprawled on the couch like he’s been shot. For a second I think he’s sleeping, but he opens his eyes before blinking them closed again. I don’t know him very well, but he’s got a gentle Georgia drawl and seems nice.
Ishaan isn’t here, which explains why they need me.
Derek is sitting in a beanbag chair nursing a beer. “Holy shit, you came!” he says when he sees me.
I shrug. “I need a vice. It might as well be this one, right?”
“Hell, yeah,” Derek and Audrey say together.
“I’m not sure I remember how to play.”
“Watch and learn, my friend,” Derek says, shuffling the cards.
Audrey drags a butterfly chair into the middle of the room, and I take the other beanbag. Trace pulls himself upright with a low groan, only to lean back and close his eyes again.
“Are you all right?” I ask.
He grunts.
Derek glances over at him, clearly unconcerned. “Don’t worry about him. He’s learning how to party again after a summer of clean living. It’s kind of cute.”
Trace doesn’t bother to open his eyes. “Y’all can laugh as much as you like. I’m never drinking again.”
“Is Casey around?” Audrey asks. “Just in case Trace doesn’t make it through the game?”
“I’ll make it.”
Derek starts dealing the cards. “I saw Casey a little while ago. Lucky bastard already has girls swarming him. That dude gets so much puss—”
He stops, looking embarrassed.
Audrey smirks. “Do go on.”
Derek pretends he doesn’t hear her. “Anyone want a beer?”
“I’ll have one,” I say, hoping I sound nonchalant.
