by Isabel Morin
His heart beats furiously against my chest, and it’s all the encouragement I need. I press closer until there’s no space at all between us, and then I’m not thinking about how to do it, I’m just kissing him, and it’s deep and loose and wild.
At some point, he takes over again, like he can’t help it. Feeling him all around me is so exquisite, so full of endless need. Every sensation is new—his chest against my breasts, his arms around me, the friction of his shaved skin against my smoother skin.
I start to protest when he pulls away, only to gasp when his mouth dips down to my neck. His fingers tangle in my hair as he presses hot, open-mouthed kisses right where his thumb brushed against me earlier. I lean against the door, dazed and breathless, reeling with pleasure. He’s so beautiful, so absurdly delicious, and so good at this.
I’m strung as tight as I can stand. Then his hand cups my breast, his thumb rolling the sensitive peak, and I freeze. My startled look meets his heavy-lidded gaze, and I see the exact moment he realizes something’s different.
He drops his hands and backs away a step. “I’m sorry, Hannah. I wasn’t thinking—”
I stand there, lost without him touching me. “It’s okay. I was just surprised.”
His breathing is ragged, his cheeks flushed. “I shouldn’t have gotten so carried away the first time. I don’t think the idea was to teach you everything in one go.”
“I guess not.” I can’t help sounding less than thrilled. I’m so turned on, I don’t know what to do with myself.
He gives a shaky laugh. “Don’t worry, there’s more where that came from. Besides, now you’re getting a taste of what you missed in high school. Back then it was all about getting worked up and then putting on the brakes.” He shoves his hands into his pockets. “Anyway, this should get you through your date.”
I’m annoyed that he can be so unaffected. Then I look down and realize he’s still hard, and there’s a very specific tension in him I understand now, because I’m feeling it, too.
As much as I want to stay, maybe it’s better not to get too carried away the first time. I’m not sure I’m ready for anything more than kissing him right now. Experiments are best done in increments so you understand what you’re dealing with.
I take a minute to smooth my hair down and tug my shirt into place. He watches me, but instead of making me feel more awkward, I feel almost sultry. I want to draw this out, make him look at me and want me more, the way I want him.
His eyes are blazing when I glance at him again.
“See you soon, Hannah,” he says as I step through his door.
I don’t let myself look back.
Back in my room I look at myself in the mirror, and everything that just happened is written all over me. My face is flushed, my eyes bright and kind of dazed, and my hair is mussed from Casey’s hands tangling in it.
As much as I assumed Casey would be a good kisser, I never imagined it would be like that. Now I understand why people ignore their friends and work and everything else. I can almost see skipping class just to kiss him some more.
But of course, I won’t do that. Casey isn’t even the real thing. He’s practice for the real thing. Though if it gets more real than that, I might just have a heart attack.
I open my laptop and go back to my ethics paper. It’s the last thing I want to do, but I have to prove to myself that I’m not going to be an idiot just because I finally kissed someone.
But I’m smiling as I stare at the screen. I kissed a guy. Like, really kissed him, and it was great, and now I don’t have to avoid all men. The cloud that hung over my head is gone, and I can finally imagine being with someone.
And that’s after one kiss. Once I’ve had more lessons with Casey, I’ll be ready for anything.
Maybe even falling in love.
…
Audrey and I are hanging in our suite the next night when Brian texts me.
“I think my time has come.”
“What? What’s happened?”
“Brian wants to know if I’ll go with him to a documentary on wind farms Tuesday night. His professor produced it, and Brian did some of the research.”
“Seriously? That sounds deadly.”
“It’s not so bad. I’m interested in sustainable energy. Anyway, that’s not what I’m excited about. It’s a nighttime thing, and I think I’m ready to kiss him.”
She shakes her head. “I hope this boy has some moves if he’s going to make you sit through something like that.”
I can’t argue, but I also can’t help feeling a little relieved. A guy who takes me to a movie on wind farms couldn’t possibly be planning to have sex with me the same night, which means I don’t have to be a nervous wreck.
Though I probably will be anyway.
“Are you nervous about kissing him?” she asks.
I open my mouth to tell her about my kiss with Casey last night, but I can’t make myself do it. She’s closer to Jen than I am, and she’ll be angry that I’m going behind Jen’s back. She’ll try to get me to stop, and there’s no way I’m going to.
“A little,” I say instead.
“Just follow his lead and you’ll be fine.”
I nod, but right now the main thing bothering me—besides that fact that I’m keeping a secret from my best friend—is that I left Casey’s room without making a plan for our next lesson. Now that I have a real date with Brian I need to stay ahead of things, but that’s going to be hard if too much time goes by between lessons. But if I can keep progressing with Casey, I could be ready for sex with Brian in just a few weeks.
Theoretically.
Maybe it’s crazy to be so pragmatic about something this intimate, but it’s better than falling into bed with someone without thinking about it, the way most people do. And after that one kiss with Casey, I have no doubt this is a good plan. I’m not hiding anything from him, and he’s going to make it good for me.
…
On Tuesday, I head to the dining hall to meet Jen and Audrey for dinner. I haven’t seen Jen since our weird fight on Saturday, and she’s a bit cooler than usual when I first sit down. She doesn’t say anything about it, though, so neither do I. Our conversation is stilted and polite, like strangers about to interview for the same job, but we both loosen up when Audrey arrives.
“What time are you meeting him?” Audrey asks the second she sits down.
“Who are you meeting?” Jen asks, her expression closing off again.
I can tell she’s thinking the worst. “That guy Brian I mentioned before.”
“Oh, right. That’s great,” she says, smiling.
We get up and get our food. Meanwhile I’m getting more and more nervous. Somehow it doesn’t matter that I’ve finally crossed into the land of people who’ve made out with other people. Or that Brian himself doesn’t make me nervous. The fact is, it’s still a date, one that will probably lead to kissing.
“I was thinking I could wear that teal sweater,” I say. “Or is that too boring for a date? Maybe I should wear the dress. No, I’d definitely look like I was trying too hard.”
Audrey looks amused. “You do realize you’re having a conversation with yourself?”
Jen doesn’t know the extent of my cluelessness about guys, but based on her comments the other day, she’s noticed I haven’t had a lot of action in the two years she’s known me.
“Wear the black top with cut-out shoulders and the beige skirt,” she says, taking pity. “You’ll look awesome.”
“I feel so lame. This isn’t even that big a deal.”
“Meeting a new guy is always nerve-wracking,” Jen says. “Don’t try so hard to fight it. It’s a whole world of potential, and that’s kind of awesome, don’t you think?”
Guilt snakes around my stomach at her kind attempt to make me feel better.
“But
that’s what’s making me crazy,” I say. “I could ruin everything and bring an end to all that potential by mistake. I could do it without even knowing what I’ve done.”
“He’s going to be nervous, too,” Audrey says. “Everyone’s nervous on a first date.”
Which is all very well and good, but she knows I have more reason to be nervous.
“Are you sure you’ll be okay?” Audrey asks, looking worried. “I don’t have to go to the meeting.”
“You can’t skip an editorial meeting to help me dress,” I tell her. “That would make me way too pathetic.”
I wolf down my dinner and head back to the dorm, where I put on the outfit Jen suggested. It looks pretty good, especially with Audrey’s wedges. Lastly, I swipe on mascara and a tinted lip balm and let my hair hang loose.
When Brian and I texted earlier I suggested we meet at the auditorium, and I made it sound like I’d be coming from somewhere else on campus instead of my dorm. That way he wouldn’t suggest coming to my room to get me. I have more control if I can march over there alone.
As planned, Brian’s waiting in front of Trumbull, and a smile spreads across his face as soon as he sees me. And though he’s not obvious or creepy about it, he definitely checks me out.
“Hey, you look awesome,” he says, giving me a hug.
Could he be thinking about sex right this second?
Possibly not. He seems genuinely excited to see me, but equally excited about the movie. “I think you’ll like this,” he whispers once we’re seated in the auditorium.
We’re in one of the older buildings, so the seats are wooden and torture on my butt. People I take to be grad students and professors are scattered throughout the hall.
The movie is pretty much what I expected, interesting and kind of dry and a little too long. Out of the corner of my eye I see Brian looking at me now and again, as if to check whether I’m into it, so I try to keep my expression neutral even as my butt goes numb. He sort of shifts toward me over the course of the movie, so by somewhere in the middle he’s angled toward me, like I’m the main event.
I turn a few degrees toward him, oh so casually, trying to reciprocate. Body language is a major part of relationships, so I have to do my part. Only I don’t last long. I’m so fidgety, because of the whole numb butt thing, that I end up squirming in my seat like a three year old.
“Are you okay?” he asks, tearing his attention away from the movie.
“I’m fine. Sorry.”
If this were Casey, I’d have a hard time not gluing myself to him. I probably wouldn’t even know what the movie was about. Unfortunately, thinking about our kiss seems to be my new resting mode. Not only was it my very first kiss, it was basically the best fifteen minutes of my life. Everything else pales in comparison.
Then again, Brian and I haven’t kissed. Maybe it’ll be just as good, or even better.
It’s close to ten by the time we’re back outside and heading in the direction of our dorms.
“You want to come back to my room for a bit?” he asks. “There’s this really cool YouTube video I think you’d like.”
“Sure. That’d be great,” I say, my heart throwing itself against my ribs. Because he can’t be inviting me back to his room to actually watch a video. That’s got to be an excuse to get me somewhere he can kiss me.
Either that or I’m in for more windmills.
Chapter Ten
This is how it’s done. I narrate to myself, following Brian into his dorm and up a flight of stairs. You walk in the door and up to their room, and no one blinks an eye.
A bunch of cartoons are taped to his door. I don’t get the chance to read any, but I can tell a lot of them are from the New Yorker. I add another checkmark in the Brian column. He may not have the greatest feel for where to go on a date, but he’s cute and he appears to read the New Yorker. The cartoons, anyway, which is good enough for me.
Whistler has some suites, but Brian has a single. His room is a little bigger than mine and kind of messy, but not gross or anything. He’s got a couple of posters with majestic mountains I don’t recognize on them.
“You must like to hike,” I say, noting the shoes and backpack at the foot of his bed.
“Whenever I can,” he says. “It’s kind of required when you’re from Colorado.”
I’m not sure what to do with myself, so I just stand there while he grabs his laptop, but eventually we’re both sitting on his bed, our backs against the wall.
He starts to open the computer, then looks at me, sort of sheepish, his hair falling over his forehead. “We don’t have to watch this if you don’t want to. We could maybe watch a movie, or I don’t know…just talk.”
Ah, the old bait and switch. At least I know I was right about why he invited me back here.
“Talking sounds good,” I say, because as nervous as I am about kissing, I want to get down to business.
“Cool,” he says, putting the laptop on the floor.
I ask him about where he lives in Colorado, and he talks about how much snow they get, and how he learned to ski when he was five. I make a couple of jokes, and he smiles, but he doesn’t seem to find me that amusing, and he doesn’t crack any jokes himself. He’s nice and he’s interesting, but I’m starting to think he doesn’t have the most well-developed sense of humor.
“I’m really glad you came out tonight,” he says.
My heart starts hammering, and the blood pounding in my ears distorts what he says so it sounds like he’s talking underwater. As nervous as I was with Casey, at least I wasn’t pretending not to be nervous. This is almost killing me.
“I wanted to ask you out the first time I met you,” he says, “but I figured you must have guys all over you.”
I’m about to correct him when Audrey’s voice in my head says don’t you dare.
“Better late than never.” I give a forced little laugh, my voice unnaturally high.
It’s such a lame thing to say, but he doesn’t seem to care. He leans in and I turn toward him, and then we’re kissing.
At first, he’s hesitant, like he’s feeling me out, but then he sort of finds his groove and the kiss deepens. His breath gets faster and he grips me tighter, and he even moans my name. I let him push me back onto the bed, and then we’re making out pretty hot and heavy. It’s not bad, but I don’t forget myself or get carried away. My neck is sort of cricked, and I’m not sure where I should put my hands. I’m along for the ride, but there’s no wind blowing through my hair, no adrenaline or feeling that I don’t ever want it to stop.
I try not to compare, but all I can think about is how different it is from kissing Casey.
We kiss for a while, and I don’t flinch when he cups my breast, but I also don’t gasp or writhe when he kisses my neck or thrusts his hips into mine. I start to worry he’ll notice that I’m not as into as he is, so I make a few noises. That excites him even more, and he doubles down on the kissing and thrusting. Then his hand drifts down to my thigh and starts to slide northward.
I press against his chest. “Wait a second.”
He pulls back and blinks at me, as if trying to focus. He’s breathing fast and his cheeks are flushed. “Is something wrong?”
I read somewhere that women shouldn’t feel like they have to make excuses for why they want to put a stop to physical contact. The trouble is, it’s hard not to give a reason when someone asks you straight out.
“I think I need a breather,” I tell him. It’s the truth, though not all of it.
“Oh. Okay.” He rolls off me, looking worried. “Sorry. I thought you were into it.”
“I was. I am,” I say, sitting up. “I just…I don’t want to get too carried away.”
He looks lost, like he doesn’t understand what happened. “We could…I don’t know. Just hang.”
“Thanks, but I should get
going. Maybe next time?”
He relaxes a little at the mention of a next time. “That would be great.”
I slide off the bed and look for my shoes. He groans and rolls onto his back, an arm thrown over his eyes.
“Brian?”
“Give me a sec.”
I stand there, not sure what to do. Eventually, he adjusts himself and sits up. I can’t help feeling a bit of pride that I’ve given him an erection, but it doesn’t turn me on the way Casey’s did.
“I’ll walk you out.”
I comb my fingers through my hair, hoping I don’t look too disheveled, and follow him out the door and down the stairs to the entrance.
“I’m really glad we did this,” he says.
We kiss again, and I can tell by the way his eyelids get heavy and his face goes slack that he’s feeling way more than I am. I pull back first.
“Definitely,” I say, overcompensating for my lack of feeling with a smile that threatens to break my face.
“I’ll call you,” he says, and gives my shoulder a squeeze.
I step out into the cool night air and take a deep breath.
I haven’t felt quite like myself all evening. I’ve been too busy trying to have a good time without letting on I don’t know what I’m doing. Plus pretending I was liking all of it more than I did. All of which was kind of exhausting.
He’s a nice guy, he really is. Maybe it doesn’t matter that I’m not losing my mind over him. Maybe I’ll get more into him as time goes by. But at the moment, I feel the same way I do in the lab when I’m counting on an experiment to give me certain results, and I end up with data that contradicts all my expectations.
I suppose I shouldn’t be so surprised. My friends go on dates all the time and come back to report it was lame or boring, or the guy had bad breath. At least I went out on a date, and now I’ve kissed two guys. That’s something.
