by Dalia Wright
“How can you not know? When did you…when…” Amanda struggled to find a delicate way of phrasing the question.
“When did I have sex with him?” Rosalie asked bluntly. “It wasn’t just one night. It was many nights.”
Amanda’s face blanched and Rosalie felt a wave of remorse at putting her sister through this, but there was no sense in lying about this. The proof was in the pudding, or in her oven, she thought wryly.
Amanda took a few deep breaths before saying grimly, “Okay, well what’s done is done. First thing we’re going to do is go see a doctor to make sure you really are pregnant. No sense in jumping to conclusions until we’re absolutely sure.”
They both knew they were grasping at straws but they clung to that hope desperately; maybe it was all a mistake and this truly was nothing more than a stomach virus.
“How are we going to do that?”
Going anywhere outside the community usually required dozens of explanations and more often than not, their father always insisted on joining them. In fact, she couldn’t remember ever being allowed somewhere without him.
“I’ll manage Father, don’t worry about that.”
Rosalie had no doubts that Amanda would somehow manage it; she was the good daughter, always had been. The pious one who nobody ever questioned. Rosalie was the one who had always been a bit of a wild card and now look at her! Pregnant and alone with no hope of ever seeing Jake again. Her father would probably banish her too…then where would she go? What would she do?
Amanda worked her magic on their father and two days later the two sisters set out on their day trip to visit the doctor. They took a bus and picked a clinic a town away to make sure they wouldn’t run into anyone they knew. Amanda made them change out of their long, black dresses into jeans and a button down blouse.
“No sense in being asked unnecessary questions,” she explained as she stuffed their dresses into a shopping bag.
Doctor Stetson was a kindly-looking man in his late fifties who couldn’t possibly have been anything else other than a doctor. He examined Rosalie and asked her a few questions before telling his nurse to prep for an ultrasound. Rosalie lay back on the bed and stared hard at the monitor, hoping this was all a nightmare she would soon wake up from. She took strength from Amanda’s cool hand grasping hers tightly. The cold jelly on her stomach made her squirm a little, but the very next moment the screen flickered to life and there unmistakably was a rounded little peanut-shaped blob bobbing on the monitor. Rosalie drew in a sharp breath; she didn’t need the doctor’s confirmation to know what she was looking at.
She was pregnant with Jake’s child.
CHAPTER FOUR:
That night she cried herself to sleep wondering what she was going to do. According to the ultrasound, she was over eleven weeks pregnant. In another month or two she would start showing and it would become difficult to hide the pregnancy and it would also be too late to get an abortion. Not that she would ever consider one, but she knew her options would get increasingly limited as time went on. It never occurred to Rosalie that she might keep the baby. Given her situation, it was an impossible dream best left unexplored, so she refused to bond with the life quietly growing inside of her. She began to see it instead as a problem that needed to be solved and solved quickly. Amanda tentatively approached the subject of the baby’s father a few days after the appointment.
“Have you thought of reaching out to the father, Rosalie? He may want to know about the child and might even want to keep it. That would solve all our problems, would it not?”
Rosalie recalled the conversation they had the night before she was headed back home. Jake had felt remorseful and guilty for the time they had spent together and Rosalie had assured him it had been the best few months of her life and that she had no regrets and no expectations from him.
“We both knew what this was when we started this relationship; it was something beautiful in the moment and now it’s come to an end.” She thought the words sounded very grown up and mature and she had meant it in the moment not realizing how emotionally attached she had become to him. And Jake had seemed relieved to that there would be virginal tantrums or tears begging for a commitment. They had spent one last beautiful night together and parted as friends the next day. Neither one made any empty or useless promises to keep in touch. They knew it was goodbye and their paths would never cross again. So how could she go back to him now? Rosalie pictured Jake’s life in the city. A carefree man busy with a career, busy figuring out life for himself, enjoying it fully and tried to imagine how he would feel being thrust into fatherhood overnight. She knew divulging the truth would strip him of the freedom he had paid so dearly for. He would manfully do his duty maybe, but he would resent her and the beauty of their time together would be tarnished forever.
Given all of this, the subject of the baby’s father was not worth pursuing with Amanda because since she had no intention of ever reaching out to him.
She shook her head and lied baldly, “I don’t think he would even remember me, Amanda, and I have no way of reaching him or getting in contact with him. And besides,” Rosalie added for good measure in order to close this subject forever, “I’m not one hundred percent certain who the father is…”
If Amanda felt shocked at this revelation of her sister’s loose morals she hid it well; with some effort, she wrenched her mind away from visions of Rosalie freely giving herself away to dozens of men with no regard for her reputation or self-respect.
“Well then I guess we’ll just have to figure this out for ourselves,” she finally stated, trying to keep her voice upbeat and positive.
Rosalie smiled at her sister gratefully and sent up a silent prayer to God asking to be forgiven for the lie she had just told and hoping he would somehow find her a way out of this dilemma.
CHAPTER FIVE:
Her prayers were answered three weeks later when word spread around their small community that a handsome stranger had just driven into town. The appearance of a car driving down their quiet dirt roads would have caused enough of a stir but combined with the name of who the handsome stranger was drove the gossips into a frenzy.
By that evening word spread from home to home in hushed, excited that Jake Owenson, the prodigal son had returned home again. Speculation was rife as to why he had come back. Everyone had an opinion and when Rosalie heard the news her heart sank in fear. She felt convinced he had come for the baby. Somehow he must have discovered the pregnancy, she thought to herself. Why else would he be here after all these years? So she waited anxiously for two days, listening for the knock on the door, listening for the sound of his voice, waiting for him to confront her, ask her if it was true, demand that she get rid of the baby, accuse her of trying to trap him. But no knock came.
And a few days later when Amanda returned home one evening from a church meeting, Rosalie realized her secret was safe and Jake knew nothing about it after all.
“Jake coming back is all anyone’s talking about, Rosalie,” Amanda said briskly unbuttoning her jacket and putting it away in the closet. “I don’t think anything this interesting has happened in the community since he was sent away all those years ago. It’s too bad you didn’t come to the meeting too; it was the liveliest meeting I’ve attended in quite a while.”
Rosalie made a hmmm sound and hid her face behind the book she was reading. She was terrified her face would betray the secret of her child’s paternity.
“The elders are furious,” Amanda prattled on, “including Father of course. He seems to be taking Jake’s return as a personal insult. You should have seen his face! I haven’t seen him that angry since….” She paused searching for a comparable memory but couldn’t find one, “Let’s just say he’s very angry. All the young girls are secretly swooning over him and probably scheming to find a way of marrying him and it’s easy to see why…he’s gotten ever so dreamy! And the women are showing their disapproval in solidarity with the men but I have a feeling their hearts are meltin
g at the thought he came back to visit his mom. Everyone knows she doesn’t have much longer…”
Rosalie looked up over book and interrupted Amanda, unable to contain her curiosity about what she had just said.
“He came back to see his mom?”
“Yes,” Amanda nodded and started to head towards the kitchen. “He said he wanted to spend whatever time his mom had left by her side. I’m sure she must be over the moon. Shall I get started on supper? How do you feel about chicken?”
“Um yes, chicken would be great,” Rosalie replied distractedly. A warm, contented glow filled her and she recalled a conversation with Jake one evening when she had been in the city. They had been aimlessly wondering around the streets with no real destination in mind when he had asked about his family.
“How are they doing?” he had asked, carelessly, his eyes looking into the distance, as if it was just a passing thought.
But Rosalie knew better. She knew Jake had always been close to his family and her intuition told her he missed them all the time.
“Your sister is married now; she had a little girl last year.”
“Sarah is married? Who’s the lucky guy? I have a niece?” Jake sounded amazed and uplifted by the news. The next moment his eyes clouded over.
“David Whitfield,” Rosalie said briefly. “Your niece’s name is Jessica. They have a very happy life I think…your father is doing well but your mother…” She paused, unsure whether she should continue or not. Was it her place to tell him his mother was dying?
“What’s wrong with Mom?” Jake asked sharply, his voice laced with tension and worry. “Is she okay? Is she dead?!” Rosalie stopped walking and took his hand in hers.
“No Jake, she’s not dead.”
He exhaled in relief.
“Thank God,” he whispered. “But I won’t lie to you…she’s dying. She has cancer, she…”
But Jake interrupted before she could continue. “How long?”
“The doctor said less than six months. Maybe a little longer if she’s lucky.”
Raw anguish filled his eyes.
“My mother is dying?”
Rosalie didn’t say anything; it wasn’t a question he was asking.
“My mother is going to die and I’ll never see her again.”
“You can’t let that happen Jake. You need to go back.”
“I can’t go back. You know the rules, Rosalie,” he said bitterly, “I’m not likely to get a warm welcome back from anyone, including my own father.”
“Who cares? Does it really matter what kind of a welcome you get? Isn’t it more important to bring some peace and joy to your mother? She misses you a lot, you know,” Rosalie said softly.
He was about to say something but a sudden downpour of rain startled them both. As they hurried to find shelter from the rain, the conversation was forgotten, and neither one of them brought up Jake’s family again.
But now here he was, Rosalie thought. A small part of her felt thrilled that he had taken her words to heart and decided to face his family and the community again. She wondered if he would come see her. Had their time together in New York meant anything at all or had she simply been a passing fling?
CHAPTER SIX:
Going back home was one of the hardest things Jake had ever done. Turning his back on the Amish community had been a difficult decision, but it was one he had never regretted. What he did regret was the distance it had created between him and his family, more specifically his mother and sister, the two people he had been closest with. And the idea of losing his mother without ever speaking to her again, or ever laying eyes on her again was too unbearable. After weeks of thinking it over, he had decided no amount of pride or uncomfortable feeling would be worth living with that regret forever. And the look on his mother’s face when he knocked on the front door had made the angry, hurtful mutterings of the community worth living through. His father, on the other hand, had refused to even acknowledge him. But he didn’t care – one look at his mom and he knew the end was very near for her, and he was determined to make her last days on earth as pleasant as possible.
Once he was settled back into his old bedroom at his mother’s request, with multiple assurances that he would be around for a few weeks at the very least and wouldn’t disappear into the night, Jake’s thoughts turned to Rosalie. He had missed her more than he could have imagined after she left the city. And he found himself increasingly consumed with thoughts about her. He told himself what he was feeling was guilt. He knew a good Amish girl had to remain pure and untouched for her husband and he had robbed her of that. What would happen when her husband discovered she wasn’t a virgin anymore? He told himself he had to seek her out if for no other reason than to make sure she was all right. But it was easier said than done. In the six years he had been away he had forgotten how strict and confined the community was. This wasn’t New York where he could simply go to Rosalie’s house or call her on the phone and ask her if she wanted to grab some coffee.
He would have to wait until their paths crossed somehow, and even then their every interaction would have taken place under the watchful eyes of dozens of people. Their chance encounter took place a little over a week later on a Sunday morning at church. Jake wasn’t a great believer in the church. He had spent his entire life being force fed the teachings of the church and the Bible. And it had left a bitter taste in his mouth. But he knew as the preacher’s daughter, Rosalie’s attendance at church was guaranteed, and if he wanted to see her that’s where he would have to go. So bright and early on the Sunday morning he put on his best Sunday suit and walked his mother to the service.
He spotted her almost right away, her glorious golden hair was caught up in a loose braided bun around her head, her skin glowed and her cheeks dimpled prettily as she smiled and responded to people’s greetings. His breath caught in his throat when she turned towards the door and caught him staring at her. To his immense disappointment she didn’t seem happy or pleased to see him at all, instead her eyes clouded over and he thought she almost looked fearful…or was it guilt? He couldn’t tell because she turned away and went to find her seat.
All through the service he puzzled over her odd reaction. He hadn’t expected her to jump into his arms with joy or openly embrace him, but he had hoped to see some warmth or familiarity in her eyes. Yet they had been nothing but cold and unwelcoming. Maybe she’s worried you’ll tell everyone about your time together, he said to himself. Could it be she was already engaged to someone else? If that was the case, he made a decision that he would stay away from her once he had assured her that her secret was safe with him. Once the service was over, everyone stepped outside on the big lawn and began to mingle, with Jake standing in front of them. Nobody dared say anything about him but he knew people were staring and studying his every move. He shifted restlessly, itching to get away from the church, from these people, from the town.
With each passing minute Jake felt the past six years melt away. It was as if time had stopped still and nothing had changed. His eyes scanned the crowds looking for familiar faces; he spotted a few of his old friends. Grown men now. Most of them were accompanied by wives and children. He made a move to go over and speak to some of them but their standoffish attitude made it clear he would not be welcome. Feeling disgusted, he gave up trying to find anyone to talk to and focused his attention instead on tracking down Rosalie alone so he could speak to her. Unfortunately, her father was keeping her glued at his side, making it impossible to get her alone. But Jake had come prepared and as everyone gathered to say their goodbyes, he managed to get close enough to Rosalie to slip the note he had written the night before in her hand. His eyes met hers briefly to make sure she had gotten the note before he wordlessly melted away in the crowd and walked his mother back home.
CHAPTER SEVEN:
The note burned in Rosalie’s hand. She clenched her fists tightly, balling up the note to make sure she didn’t drop it accidentally. She was dying to ru
sh home so she could read the note in peace. She thought of all the things he may have written in the note. She imagined everything, from him declaring his love to asking her to stay away from him to telling her that he knew about the baby.
When she finally got the chance to read the note it was almost disappointing in its brevity and tone. It simply requested whether she could meet him at midnight at the church gardens. There was no doubt in her mind that she would meet him, but the rest of the day was spent stressing about why he wanted to meet her in secret, in the dead of the night. She read and re-read the note over and over again until she had it memorized, trying to get some clue about what he wanted to see her for. At one point, she was convinced he knew about the baby and she decided it would be best to stay away from him, but deep down she knew that nothing could keep her away from him. She had missed him too much and seeing him at church earlier that day had re-ignited all sorts of uncomfortable emotions she had kept bottled up for the past few months. She picked at her dinner and pleaded a headache to Amanda and her father to slip away to her bedroom.
By the time Amanda headed up for bed around 10 o’clock, Rosalie was pretending to be fast asleep, curled up in a ball under the duvet, fully dressed. By 10:30pm the house had settled for the night; by 11:00pm she knew both her father and sister were gone for the night. Twenty minutes before the clock struck midnight, she slipped out of bed and tiptoed her way up the hall and down the short flight of stairs. At the front door she held her breath and listened closely to make sure nobody had gotten up. Once she was sure she hadn’t disturbed anyone she slipped outside and made her way down the few blocks towards the church.
She met him in the grove beyond the church gardens where they all used to play as children. At first she couldn’t be sure if he was there, but when he heard the sound of her footsteps crunching softly across the grass, he called out her name softly. She tried not to feel excited at the thought he was standing just a few feet away, but a smile involuntarily creased her face at the sound of his voice and her started pounding furiously. Her hand travelled down to her stomach and she unconsciously rubbed the small, inconspicuous bump as if to tell the baby they were in the presence of its father. Rosalie realized it was the first time she had allowed herself to feel any kind of connection with the child growing inside.
