by Zoe Cook
Lucy had never heard Claire swear before – certainly not at her, like this. It made her feel like she was going to cry.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said, quickly, ‘I’m being a brat, I’m sorry. It’s just hard being down here, remembering it all.’
‘You weren’t the only one who lost everything,’ Claire said bluntly.
‘I know’ Lucy said, embarrassed by her selfishness.
‘You do realise I’ve not been back there either; it’s weird for me too. The whole damn thing. And now you’re there hanging out with Annabel Carmichael, sitting in the Beach Café, walking the cliff path, while I’m up here trying to pretend everything’s just fine all the time. Holding it all together. It’s hard for me too sometimes.’
Lucy didn’t know what to say. Of course, Claire was right, and she’d been so selfish not to even think of her this whole time.
‘You’re right and I’m sorry’ she said. ‘I’m coming back, Claire. I just have a few plans for the next couple of weeks and then I’ll be back.’
‘It’s still home, isn’t it?’ Claire said.
Lucy was confused. ‘What do you mean?’ she asked
‘Hideaway – it’s still home. You keep saying you’re coming “back”, not “home”, “back”. Because you are home.’
‘That’s nonsense,’ Lucy said, irritated again now. ‘Stop being dramatic about it all. I’m coming back, okay? In a fortnight, I’ll be back, or home, or whatever, Claire. I’ve got to go.’
‘Just try and behave like an adult, Lucy,’ Claire said, coldly. ‘And watch out for Annabel, don’t fall for her, she’s a total bully. There’s a reason we haven’t kept in touch, not that she’ll tell you that.’
Lucy was sick of Claire’s lecturing, her nagging, her total insistence that she was the grown-up and Lucy was an idiot child. She hung up the phone, feeling absolutely terrible.
26
That evening Tom and Kristian carried the barbecue down to the beach and bought enough meat from the butcher to feed an army, while Lucy and Nina got ready at the house. Nina was in Lucy’s room, doing her make-up at her dressing table, while Lucy walked around in a towel trying to decide what to wear.
‘The coral dress!’ Nina said, suddenly remembering it. ‘What a jammy cow you are – getting that for free!’
‘Isn’t it a bit dressy for the beach?’ Lucy said. ‘I mean it’s backless and short. It might look a bit tarty.’
‘Says the girl who once rocked a white leather skirt and green snakeskin top,’ Nina replied. Lucy shuddered at the image, but it was true, she had been that girl.
‘Ha ha, very funny,’ she said, ‘but I’d be careful what you say, I have photographs of you in a one-sleeved diamante-studded tunic somewhere, my lovely.’
Lucy took the coral dress from her wardrobe, and held it against her, as if it might give her an idea of its suitability, seeing it crumpled over her towel.
‘It’s the one,’ Nina whispered in a cringey American accent.
Lucy had to admit it looked good on. It suited her tan and lit up her face. She’d worn so much black in London. She slipped on her gold sandals and waited for Nina to free up her dressing table.
‘I’ll look like a fucking elephant next to you,’ Nina complained.
‘You will not. You look like a radiant pregnant goddess,’ Lucy said, truthfully. Nina looked so beautiful, she always had done. Kristian was a lucky man.
‘Now hurry up so I can do my make-up,’ she gently nudged Nina, who grabbed her hand and pulled it to her stomach.
‘The baby’s kicking!’ Lucy whispered loudly. ‘Oh my God.’ Tears formed in her eyes before she could stop them and she let them fall, placing both her hands on Nina’s belly, waiting for more. Nina smiled at her stomach and then at Lucy, wiping away her tears and putting her arms around her.
Lucy helped Nina down the last few rocks to the beach. She’d refused to take the path, insisting on the shortcut, even though it involved climbing the final section down to the sand. There were a few groups gathered on the beach as the orange sun melted into the sea. Lucy could see Tom and Kristian in the distance. They had already lit a campfire and were sitting on the sand, beers in hand, she was sure.
‘How many times have we walked down here, do you think?’ Nina asked
‘Hundreds, thousands maybe,’ Lucy replied.
‘When did we get so old?’ Nina continued. ‘I used to feel like I could do anything I wanted, like everyone always told us we could, all those teachers, our parents. But it’s not true really, is it? I mean, look at us. I’m having a baby, you don’t even have a job, sorry, you know what I mean. We can’t do anything we want.’
Lucy made an agreeing noise.
‘I think it’s more a case that, if you’re lucky, you have a period of your life when you’re young, when the choices you make totally affect, if not define, how your life’s going to pan out. They ought to make that clear to you at the time. Maybe I’d have done things differently.’
‘Aren’t you happy, Nin?’ Lucy asked. ‘Looks like you’ve done alright to me.’
‘It’s not that. I am happy, of course I am. It’s just life feels smaller to me than I expected it to sometimes. I think my head was filled with the idea that I could be, or do, or achieve anything. And it’s almost like just having this normal, happy life is a bit underwhelming.’
Lucy thought about what her friend was saying and she agreed with her.
‘I mean, I had dreams, you know. I wanted to be Britney Spears,’ Nina finished, seriously, and Lucy laughed.
Kristian looked like he’d already had a fair few beers as he staggered over and bear-hugged Lucy and Nina. ‘Girrrrrrrls’ he said, lifting their hands to spin them around. ‘Oh God,’ Nina replied, ‘You’re hammered.’
Lucy slipped her hand away, leaving Kristian to pull an unwilling Nina in for a kiss, and walked over to Tom as he lit the barbecue.
‘Wow,’ he said. ‘You look, just, you look absolutely incredible.’ He looked up at her, from where he was crouched down on the sand.
‘Thanks,’ Lucy blushed, stroking her dress nervously. ‘How’s the barbecue coming along? Need a hand?’
Together they got the flames going and Tom passed her a beer to celebrate. ‘Cheers,’ he clinked her bottle, looking out at sea. It was almost dark now, the stars were extraordinary tonight, Lucy realised, following his eye line.
‘To the most beautiful place on earth,’ he said.
‘Cheers,’ she replied. And in that moment, she agreed with him completely.
There were a few groups of people on the beach, a couple of guitar-playing Jack Johnson wannabes were holding court to their left, mesmerised girls swaying to their distinctly average efforts. The four of them were circled around the rather impressive campfire eating burgers and drinking beers, laughing as they tried to define ten categories of people that came on holiday to the north coast.
‘What about the sloaney ponies who’ve come down here to “escape London”?’ Nina said. ‘There’s a lot of those – needing to get away from their days of shopping and nights of clubbing, poor little things.’
‘They come under “posh London twats”,’ Kristian explained. ‘If we broke that category down into its component parts we’d be here all night. This place is teeming with them these days. Mainly because of this idiot’s posh beach bar,’ he elbowed Tom to show he was at least half-joking.
‘Guilty as charged,’ Tom said, ‘But I needed to make some bloody money and sausage rolls and teacakes weren’t cutting it.’
‘It’s absolutely brilliant for the town,’ Nina said. ‘You’ve done amazingly well. Your parents must be so proud.’
‘Yeah, they are,’ Tom said, looking back out to sea. ‘It’s meant they can travel, you know, get away from here from time to time. It’s given them some freedom, my taking it on as my own. And I’m bloody lucky to have had the chance.’
Lucy finished her beer and wedged the bottle in the sand. ‘Does anyone
fancy a cigarette?’ she said, before apologising quickly to Nina, who insisted she didn’t mind.
‘I’d bloody love one,’ Tom said. ‘Shall we go to Spar and buy some? Marlboro Lights for old times’ sake, right?’
‘Yeah,’ Lucy said. ‘That’d be nice.’
Tom held out a hand to help her up and her head rushed with the beer. She managed to style out her slight stumble and they walked away from Nina and Kristian towards the lights of the town.
Lucy still felt like a fifteen-year-old buying cigarettes; guilty and excited. She giggled as they walked out of the shop together and Tom pulled her into him, cuddling her.
‘I love that laugh,’ he said, kissing her head. She felt momentarily like she could turn to him and kiss his lips – and she wanted to, so much. Then she remembered Tara, and remembered it was just a friendly hug. She squeezed him back and pulled away.
‘Can we go to the house?’ she said, without thinking about it. ‘I’d like to see it.’
‘Are you sure?’ Tom said, looking at her, serious all of a sudden. ‘I don’t know what state it’s in. Has anyone been back?’
Lucy wasn’t sure. She knew Claire had paid a company to pack everything up sometime during Lucy’s first year in London, when it became clear she wasn’t going back. They’d boxed everything and fenced the place up – put some kind of security system in to protect it from intruders. She’d not heard any more since then. They hadn’t wanted to sell it, even though they both could’ve done with the money at that point.
‘Yeah, I’d like to go together,’ Lucy replied, surprised that she meant this.
‘Okay,’ Tom said, taking her hand now. They turned away from the beach and walked up the road, past the campsite, awful karaoke blaring from the bar, and took another left, up Avenue Road, Lucy’s old address.
The house was indeed fenced off, potentially too securely for them to get in, Lucy thought.
‘Over there,’ Tom said, pointing at a lowered part of the fence. ‘We can get over there. If you’re sure.’
Lucy walked ahead towards the fence and Tom lifted her up so she could climb down the other side. It was difficult in her silk dress. Before she could ask Tom how he was going to make it over, he landed next to her, on his feet, as if he’d just done it in one clean jump. He looked quite pleased with himself before he looked up at the house, and his smile dropped. Lucy followed his gaze to the house. It looked exactly as she remembered it, but bigger than she remembered, perhaps. It was a huge house, she could see now. Its white walls looked grey in the darkness of the night, and probably masked the years of neglect. It looked quite beautiful, standing alone in the night. They walked silently to the front door and Lucy hesitated before trying the handle. It was locked, of course, but thankfully no alarm went off. Tom walked to the living- room window and peered in. Lucy joined him, putting her hands on the cool glass. The room was full of boxes, white sheets draped over oak furniture.
‘We’ve had so many offers from developers,’ she said to Tom, unprompted. ‘But we can’t sell it. It’s stupid, isn’t it?’
‘Not stupid at all,’ he said, looking at her now. ‘It’s your home.’
‘Was my home,’ Lucy corrected him, the words catching in her throat.
‘So many memories,’ Tom said quietly. ‘Our first kiss over there,’ he pointed at the French windows.
‘Yep,’ Lucy smiled. ‘Lots of memories.’
Tom put his hands on her face and she froze, unsure what he was about to do. He examined her, studiously, his face soft but unsmiling. He bent down slightly and kissed her forehead. ‘We ought to get back.’
Lucy wasn’t sure if she could walk, her legs had become jelly after the feeling of his lips on her skin.
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘We ought to go before someone comes and shoots us for trespassing.’ Her attempt at humour sounded inane.
Tom helped her back over the fence and they headed towards the beach. Nina and Kristian would be wondering where they were, Lucy knew. Nina would want to know what had happened. What had happened? She wondered herself. Tom took her hand again as they walked. Does he feel this too? She wondered, desperately. I love him. I still bloody love him. The total truth of it terrified her.
At the edge of the beach, where the concrete gave way to grass then sand, Tom dropped Lucy’s hand.
‘Tara!’ he called to a silhouette walking out of the café. She was still in an apron, her hair messily tied on the top of her head.
‘Just locked up,’ she smiled at them. ‘Great night. Fifty covers!’
‘Brilliant’ Tom said, looking at her with the affection he’d once looked at Lucy with, before hugging her.
‘Do you want to come and join us on the beach? We’ve got beers,’ he offered.
‘No, no, I can’t thanks. I’ll leave you to it,’ Tara replied, unconvincingly, Lucy thought.
‘Don’t be daft,’ Tom protested. ‘Come on, Nina would love to see you.’
The jealousy made Lucy feel pathetic all over again. She was determined not to let it show.
‘Yeah, come on, it’ll be fun,’ she said to Tara, who looked suddenly pleased by Lucy’s offer.
‘Okay,’ she smiled at Lucy, ‘I’d kill for a beer, actually.’
Lucy sat down on the sand slightly away from the group, leaning back on her elbows and looking up at the sky. She remembered that she’d meant to call Warren tonight, to arrange their trip to Hideaway. He and Charlie had been excited at her invitation and she’d arranged for them to come and stay in a week’s time for the Bay’s biggest event of the year, the Sundowner. She was so glad that they were coming, hoping that a glimpse of her London life might help to drag her back to reality, snap her out of the nostalgic dream she was falling for here, and which threatened to break her heart all over again. Warren’s phone rang out to answerphone; he was probably out. She wouldn’t bother calling Charlie, as she never, ever answered her phone. Putting her phone back in her bag, she looked over to Nina, Tara, Tom and Kristian, a happy foursome. She’d been replaced, she realised. She’d been gone too long. She finished her beer and had a word with herself, plastered a smile on her face and walked back to join them. She wasn’t going to make a fool of herself any more – she was going to be fine with it all, with the reality of the situation. She wasn’t in love with Tom because she didn’t really know him any more, and anyway, he had moved on. She would enjoy her last couple of weeks, look forward to the Sundowner and she’d get her act together and find herself a job to go back to in London. She needed to prove to Claire, to herself and to everyone, that she could make a go of it all.
Tom and Tara were sitting close to each other on the sand. She was leaning in to him, talking conspiratorially, and Tom looked concerned. Lucy tried to speak to Nina about their plans for tomorrow, but kept glancing back over. Tom’s arm was around Tara’s waist now and he was talking right into her neck as she looked at the sand. It was an intimate scene, but they looked unhappy. Tara visibly pulled herself together, in a way Lucy recognised, before giving Tom a kiss on the cheek and standing up to walk over to her and Nina, grabbing another beer on the way.
‘Are you okay?’ Nina asked. Tara nodded. Tom walked over and placed one arm each around Tara and Lucy. She could smell the beer on him and Tara pulled away, laughing.
‘I’m going to head off,’ Tara said, making to leave.
‘Hang on a sec,’ Tom said, ‘I’ll walk you.’
Lucy smiled goodbye and watched them walk off towards the town.
‘It’s not what you think,’ Kristian said.
Lucy stopped him. ‘It’s none of my business,’ she told him. She kissed them both goodbye and walked back to the house alone.
27
When Lucy checked her phone the following morning there was a message from Tom: Hey Lucy, hope your head’s okay this morning. I wondered if you could do me a massive favour and help out in the café this morning? I’m two staff down, and you know the ropes. Don’t worry if not, but I’
d massively appreciate it if you can? Tx
Lucy wasn’t sure that she did still ‘know the ropes’, but the thought of working in the café was actually quite appealing. She didn’t have any plans for the day and the cash would be helpful. She texted Tom back.
Sure, no problem. I can be down at 8:30, see you there x
His reply came immediately: I’m not around this morning. Tara will meet you there. Thanks so much! Tx
Down at the café Tara was already pulling chairs out onto the terrace, singing along to the radio, unaware that Lucy was now watching her.
‘Morning,’ Lucy said, looking around for an apron. ‘What can I do to help?’
‘Lucy, hey, thanks so much for this. Could you start filling the cake stands? They’re out the back. Molly’s at the bakery, she’ll be back with everything any minute.’
‘No problem,’ Lucy said, heading for the kitchen, finding a stray apron behind the counter and tying the navy-blue fabric around her waist. She caught a glimpse of herself in the glass partition as she walked. She looked like her sixteen-year-old self, dashing around with an apron on. Just without Tom chasing me with a tea towel, she thought, smiling to herself.
The café was quiet for a Friday morning. The day was hot and the tourists seemed to be buying things to take away and eat on the beach rather than sitting inside. The terrace was buzzing, though. In fact, it had seemed eternally busy out there since Lucy had first arrived back in town. It really was one hell of a spot, Lucy could see, as she went out to top up coffees and check the tables were happy. The view out to Keeper’s Island was crystal clear this morning, the haze of the past few days having lifted overnight. The water glittered with sunshine and Lucy could feel a cool, fresh breeze bouncing off the waves as she stood looking out to sea.
‘All okay out here?’ Tara asked as she approached Lucy from the café, standing by her side and admiring the view.
