Here Without You

by Jennifer L. Allen

  “I don’t know…take the elevator?” I ventured.

  “What if the elevator is down? What if there is an earthquake or something? That’s not safe.”

  “I’m pretty sure nowhere is safe when there is an earthquake. Besides, the San Andreas Fault doesn’t run through San Diego.”

  “No, but a big one could hit and break off a chunk of California—the chunk with San Diego—and send you out to sea.” I rolled my eyes, only Ronnie would come up with something that ridiculous.

  “Have you started reading dystopian fiction, Ronnie?” I asked, smirking as I tossed a set of sheets that matched the navy and cream comforter I picked out into the basket.

  “No,” she sulked, throwing both pillows back on the shelf. “I’m going to miss you. I just got you back, and now you might fall into the ocean.”

  It was hard to be snarky now that I had a lump in my throat. My sister was ridiculous, but she was my ridiculous and this was her version of a deep conversation. “I’m going to miss you, too. You know you can come visit me whenever you want.”

  “Yeah…because it’s easy to ship this much awesome,” she gestured to her chair, “across the United States whenever I get a whim to see my little sis.”

  “You are pretty awesome.”

  She shrugged her shoulders. “I know.”

  “I’ll come home for breaks and the entire summer.”

  “Pish. You say that now, but once you get there, and you and Ryan are all lovey-dovey again, you’ll forget we even exist back here.”

  I paused my perusing and looked at her, my jaw slack. “Is that what you really think?” She shrugged her shoulders again, avoiding my gaze. I squatted down, resting on my haunches and placing my hands on her knees. “Ronnie, I’m never going to forget about you. You are my best friend. I don’t know what’s going to happen with Ryan, but it’s not going to erase you from my life. I probably won’t see him much anyway since he’s always so busy. We’ll Skype and email and talk on the phone…you’re going to be sick of me.”

  One corner of her mouth tipped up. “We’ll still have our book meetings?”

  I nodded enthusiastically. “Heck, yeah. We might have to adjust the schedule depending on my classes, but we’re definitely still meeting up to talk books.”

  She met my eyes and the lump in my throat grew at the sight of tears. “You’re my best friend, too, Anna.”

  A tear slipped down my cheek as I leaned in to hug her. She held me tightly, and after a moment, we both laughed at our ridiculousness.

  “Gosh, quit being such a baby. It’s not like you’re moving to another country.” I stood up, both of us still laughing as we wiped our cheeks.

  “What’s so funny over here?” Mom asked, coming around the corner of the aisle with a shaggy, navy blue area rug rolled up in a tight coil. I eyed her speculatively, and she said, “I thought this would be nice to put under your bed, so your feet hit something soft and warm when you get up in the morning.”

  “It’s perfect,” I agreed. She thought of everything.

  Digging through the shopping cart, Mom took inventory of our loot. “Looks like we’re good on the bedroom stuff. Let’s hit the towels and grab some other bathroom accessories, then we’ll head over to the laundry supplies. Do you need any appliances?”

  “My roommate is going to bring the TV and vacuum, so I volunteered for the microwave and refrigerator.”

  “You talked to your roommate?” Mom asked, looking pleased that I communicated with the stranger I’d be spending the next several months with.

  “Yes. Her name is Megan. She seems very nice.”

  “Is she an art major as well?” Ronnie asked.

  “Graphic design,” I answered.

  “Where is she from? What’s her family like?” Mom asked.

  “Whoa, Mom, we talked for like ten minutes, basically making sure we didn’t double buy stuff we can share. I didn’t ask her for a genealogical report. She lives in Florida.”

  “Oh, how nice! She’s from the east coast, too,” Mom said. “You’ll have someone to commiserate with about being so far away from home.”

  “Yeah, but Anna will have Ryan, too,” Ronnie said, and I shot her a look. I hadn’t shared with my parents that Ryan was going to be in San Diego.

  “Ryan will be in San Diego?” Mom asked, her brows knitted.

  “Yes, he got his orders, and he’ll be going to San Diego when he gets back.”

  “Oh, how nice,” she said, giving me a cautious smile. “Well, those towels aren’t going to buy themselves.” She turned on her heel and headed down the aisle, back in the direction she’d come from.

  I immediately felt bad. I hadn’t planned on withholding that little bit of information from her, I just didn’t want her to get the wrong idea when I wasn’t even sure what the right idea was.

  “I’m sure I won’t see him much. He’s really busy,” I said as I followed after her, echoing just what I’d told Ronnie earlier.

  Ronnie snorted. “Right. Like he wouldn’t make time for you.” I pinched her arm. “Ouch,” she said, scowling at me and rubbing the sore spot. “What was that for?”

  “Will you cool it with the Ryan stuff,” I whispered harshly, nodding my head towards our mom who was paces ahead of us and gaining distance.

  Ronnie’s eyes widened for a second, then she nodded. “Yeah, fine. Sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”

  “It’s all right. I’m just not ready for questions I don’t know the answers to.”

  “Want me to do damage control?” she offered, and I loved her for it.

  “No, I’m going to have to face the music eventually. I guess I’ll talk to her about it tonight.”

  “Want to make cookies after?”

  “Yeah…chocolate chunk.”

  “I’ll go get the chocolate,” she said and buzzed off, scooting over to the grocery section.

  “How about a light blue?” Mom asked when I met her in the towel aisle.

  I rested my head on her shoulder, and she leaned hers against mine. “Sounds perfect.”

  ~ 24 ~

  To: Anna Romano

  From: Ryan Jacobs

  Subject: What’s up?

  Anna,

  It’s been a few days since I’ve heard from you. I hope everything is OK. Have you sketched anything new? I’d love to see pictures. I miss seeing your work. I miss watching you draw, the way your eyebrows knit together and you bite your lower lip. Or, when you were really focused, your tongue would stick out the tiniest bit. It was adorable. I could watch you sketch for hours.

  Talk to you soon, I hope.

  Ryan

  To: Ryan Jacobs

  From: Anna Romano

  Subject: RE: What’s up?

  Dear Ryan,

  I’m sorry I haven’t written. Just working on getting some things together. And yes, I have been sketching, too. I attached a few pictures.

  You know what I miss? Watching you play flag football with your friends. I loved sitting on the grass of the middle school football field on the weekends and watching you guys. Especially when you were on the skins team. Of course, I didn’t like how the morning dew would get my butt all wet when I’d forget to bring a towel or blanket to sit on.

  Do you ever talk to those guys? Mitch and Jordan? You guys were so close in high school. I haven’t seen them around since I’ve been home. I haven’t really seen anyone around, come to think of it. I guess I don’t really hang out where people our age would hang out. The only places I really go are to the soup kitchen and Dr. Matson’s office.

  I still miss you. Every day. Even when I’m not writing.

  Love,

  Anna

  To: Anna Romano

  From: Ryan Jacobs

  Subject: RE: RE: What’s up?

  Anna,

  Ha, I remember you whining about your wet ass. Especially the time you wore those tiny little white shorts over the white panties with red dots on them. Clown Butt. Hilarious. One of my most favori
te memories.

  The last time I talked to Mitch and Jordan was when I was home on leave a couple years ago. They went away to school and I enlisted, so we were all pretty busy, and it wasn’t easy to keep in touch. One of us would touch base with the others when we knew we were going to be home, but it didn’t always work out that we were in the same place at the same time. Then, my parents started coming to me when I had leave, since they were rarely ever at home anyway, so I went home less and less. A lot of people in our classes probably stayed wherever they went to school, or went where the jobs were in Charlotte or Raleigh. There isn’t too much opportunity in Lakeside. Maybe you’ll see some of them over Fourth of July if they come home to visit their families.

  What kinds of things are you getting together? Still working on applications? Did you hear anything from Braddock?

  Miss you, too.

  Ryan

  To: Ryan Jacobs

  From: Anna Romano

  Subject: Busy busy busy

  Dear Ryan,

  Yeah, I’m organizing stuff for school. Working on my portfolio and trying to figure out what direction I want to go in. There are so many different focus areas, you know? I want to try to identify my weaknesses, so I can focus on building myself up in those areas. When I get to a school, I’m going to be surrounded by so much talent, I want to make sure I’m the best I can be. Kind of like how athletes train for games…maybe…I don’t know, that’s probably a stupid analogy.

  I’ll let you know if I see anyone over the holiday. I’m kind of nervous to see anyone I know, if I’m being honest. What if they think I’m a freak? Last they probably heard, I dropped out of high school and ran away from home. I don’t really want to be in the spotlight, so I hope they either don’t see me, or if they do, that they don’t make a big deal out of it. Fortunately, we’ll be on the boat, so we’ll only see people at the dock.

  And I’m totally ignoring the clown butt comment. That is not funny. That was mortifying. ALL the guys saw my panties that day and I don’t remember having signed up for a wet shorts contest. I think my face was as red as the dots on my underwear. You know, I could always remind you of the time you were caught with your pants around your ankles!

  So be nice.

  Love,

  Anna

  PS No comment on the sketches?

  To: Anna Romano

  From: Ryan Jacobs

  Subject: I’m unembarrassable.

  Anna,

  Shit, I forgot about the sketches. I’m sorry. I was so tired when I wrote you back last. I was so happy to see your response, I didn’t want to wait to reply and I obviously wasn’t thinking straight. The pictures were great. You do them in black and white, but I swear I can see them as though they are in color. I can picture the scenes perfectly. The one of the boat on the lake with the fireworks in the sky…those are some of my favorite memories. I always loved laying on the bow of the boat, with you in my arms, watching the fireworks. Those are some special memories, Anna.

  And your analogy isn’t stupid. Everyone needs to hone their talents, it’s how they get better. It makes complete sense for you to be working on the things you feel are your weak areas. Of course, I don’t believe you have any weak areas. You’re a brilliant artist, and I know you’re going to kick ass at whatever you do.

  Don’t worry about the people from school. You know Ronnie will take them down a notch if they dare say anything negative to you. She’ll have your back. But really, what would they say? They all know what happened, baby. They wouldn’t blame you for checking out for a little bit. They’ll see you now and see how strong and gorgeous you are and there won’t be anything bad for them to say. You were well loved in high school, there’s no reason they’d treat you poorly. They’d probably just be happy to see that you’re back and you’re OK.

  And I dare you to bring up my pants incident. I’m unembarrassable, Anna.

  Ryan

  To: Ryan Jacobs

  From: Anna Romano

  Subject: That’s not a word.

  Ryan,

  Unembarrassable is not a word. It’s not even a thing. And you getting caught with your pants around your ankles in the boys’ bathroom by Mr. Fisher because you found a freckle on your…member…was one of the funniest things on the planet. The look on your face when you came out with Mr. Fisher’s hand on your arm as he escorted you to the principal’s office. Hilarious. I can’t believe he thought you were, you know, in the bathroom at school. I mean, your girlfriend was waiting right outside the bathroom! What kind of sense did that make?! About as much sense as you being fascinated by your penile freckle, that’s how much. LOL!

  Do you still have it?

  Curious,

  Anna

  To: Anna Romano

  From: Ryan Jacobs

  Subject: Curiosity killed the cat.

  Anna,

  I don’t really think it’s appropriate for you to be curious about my penile freckle, as you so aptly called it. I guess you’ll just have to see for yourself. And I can make up words if I want to, it’s my right as an American. Freedom of speech.

  There’s something I want to talk to you about when I get home. It’s nothing bad, it’s actually really good. I don’t want you to be nervous because it’s nothing to be nervous about. I just want you to know that I want to tell you. I’ve wanted to tell you for a while now, but it’s something I want to say to you in person.

  I want to hug you right about now. So badly. I miss holding you. I miss touching you. I loved the way your soft skin would feel under my fingertips. And your smell, I really miss your smell. Like sugar and vanilla. Might be why I love sugar cookies so much.

  I miss you more and more each day. It’s crazy because every day is one day closer to seeing you, so it seems like some of the pressure on my chest should be lifted with each day, but it just makes me more eager…more anxious to see you.

  If you can’t come to San Diego until next fall, or if you end up at another school, we’ll figure something out, A. I promise. I don’t want to let you go again.

  Love,

  Ryan

  ~ 25 ~

  Anna

  A myriad of emotions flowed through me as I read Ryan’s last email.

  Guilt.

  Joy.

  Nervousness.

  Love.

  Yearning.

  More guilt.

  Anxiety.

  I couldn’t help but zero in on his closing…love.

  Did that mean he still loved me?

  I miss you more and more each day.

  I don’t want to let you go again.

  Swoon.

  Was I wrong for not telling him about San Diego? It wasn’t wrong if it was a surprise, right? A good surprise? I didn’t think so. I couldn’t wait to surprise him. I was going to jump right into his big, strong arms. Maybe I’d even kiss him. I blushed at the thought alone. Was I that bold? After all, we had done much, much more than kiss in the past. Yet I still felt like it was the beginning all over again. A new beginning.

  I spent a good thirty minutes worrying over what he wanted to talk to me about. Was it something that would hurt me? Did he want to stay friends? He said it wasn’t bad, but that was his opinion. If he didn’t see me as more than a friend, then he wouldn’t think it was bad news at all. But his words…they weren’t the kind of words you said to a friend. Did he want to get back together? Was I ready for that? Did it even matter since I was completely head over heels for him again? I could lie to Ronnie, and to my parents, but I couldn’t lie to myself. I loved Ryan. I loved him, and I wanted to be with him.

  Dr. Matson told me it was up to me if I thought I was ready to be in a relationship, and I didn’t think she would have said that if she thought it was a bad idea. She was supposed to encourage me to take the lead role in my own life, but she had a particular tone she used when she thought I was going in the wrong direction. I called her out on it once, and she just gave me a little shrug and changed the subject. Yeah…I
was on to her.

  So was I ready to jump?

  Heck, yeah…I was ready to hop, skip, jump, and dive right in!

  I couldn’t wait to be reunited with Ryan.

  ***

  It rained the morning of the Fourth, and I was certain the holiday festivities would be cancelled. I should’ve known better. The weather in the Piedmont region of North Carolina was positively bipolar. Massive, hail producing thunderstorms one moment, sunny skies the next. By 11:30, we were on track for a beautiful afternoon on the lake.

  Dad had left for the landing ahead of us to ready the boat. Mom, Ronnie, and I arrived shortly after noon. We had a picnic lunch on the boat, anchored near the shore of Rose Lake where the fireworks would be launched. The four of us laughed, joked, and played games. We had a great time. The only thing missing was Ryan, and I was hyper-aware of that fact. Dad bought the boat the year Ryan and I had started dating in high school. There wasn’t a summer on the lake that Ryan wasn’t part of. Until now.

  “You miss him,” Ronnie said. It wasn’t a question. She knew me too well. The memories of past summers with Ryan were hers, too.

  “It’s not the same without him. Don’t get me wrong,” I quickly added, “I’m having a great time with you and mom and dad.”

  “But it’s different without him here. I get it. It’s been like that for me, too. The last couple years out here…without you and Ryan…totally different. Dad would bring clients to entertain, but it royally sucked.”