Here Without You

by Jennifer L. Allen

  “Who were they?” I asked, gently laying back down on my bed.

  “Seniors. They were friends of whoever’s house that was. I think they’re on the football team at San Diego State.”

  Made sense. Jack was huge, and SDSU wasn’t too far away. Maybe it was their drum line in my head…

  “Nothing happened, right?” I asked.

  “No, nothing happened. They were perfect gentlemen. Jack carried you up here and then they took off.”

  I let out a relieved sigh, thankful I didn’t make too many mistakes last night. I’d probably be feeling the liquid mistake for hours to come.

  I picked up my phone from my nightstand—an annoying force of habit causing me to check my emails—but it was dead. I plugged it into the charger and powered it on, then rolled back over and pulled the covers over my head. There was nothing I needed from the outside world at that time. I only needed more sleep. Lots and lots more sleep.

  “Jeez, Anna, get your damn phone,” Megan grumbled. I peeled my eyes open. I must have fallen back asleep. The sun was still too bright, so I quickly snapped them shut.

  I rolled over and blindly reached for my phone, holding it right in front of my face and squinting to see the screen. Seventeen missed calls and twenty-eight text messages.

  What the hell?

  Thinking there was a crisis—no one ever tried that hard to reach me—I unlocked the screen and tapped my way to my missed calls.

  They were all from Ryan.

  I tapped my message icon. Twenty-six of the messages were from Ryan, one was from Ronnie, and the last one was from an unknown number.

  Well, I didn’t really care what Ryan had to say, the jerk, so I opened the one from my sister.

  Ronnie: Will you call Ryan back? He’s blowing up my phone!

  Ignoring that one. Once I told Ronnie why I wasn’t speaking to Ryan, she would be Team Anna.

  I opened the message from the unknown caller.

  Unknown: This is Jack. Making sure you and Megan are all right.

  Aw, how sweet. I knew he was a teddy bear. I texted him back.

  Me: We’re good, but very hungover. Thanks for getting us home last night.

  Jack: Anytime. Just be careful if you go out and plan to drink that much. Not all guys are as nice as my brother and me.

  Brothers. Interesting.

  “Did you know Jack and John were brothers?” I asked Megan.

  “Maybe,” she said, still talking to her pillow. “I don’t know.”

  “Jack texted me. Wanted to make sure we’re okay.”

  “That was nice of him.”

  “Yeah,” I agreed.

  Me: Duly noted. Thanks again, Jack.

  Jack: You’re welcome.

  My finger-tip hovered over Ryan’s message. Did I even want to know what he had to say? Not particularly. I decided to reply to Ronnie instead.

  Me: Not speaking to Ryan.

  Ronnie: What? Why?

  Me: Long story. I’ll call you later. Hung over.

  Ronnie: You got drunk?!

  Me: Yep. Feel like crap, too.

  Ronnie: Serves you right.

  Me: Thanks, sister.

  Ronnie: That roommate is a bad influence on you.

  Me: That roommate was a really great friend last night when I needed one. Cut her some slack. I’ll explain later.

  Ronnie: Whatever, I’m still better.

  Me: Of course you’re better, you’re my sister. I need to go back to bed. Just ignore Ryan, okay?

  Ronnie: Fine, but you better tell me what’s going on.

  Me: I will. Love you, Ronnie.

  Ronnie: Love you, too.

  I looked at the time on my phone. 11:13. Still pretty early in hangover land. I could justify another hour of sleep. After turning the ringer off, I dropped the phone on my nightstand and closed my eyes.

  ***

  After much deliberation, I chose not to tell Ronnie about what I saw at the airport. It was the first time I’d withheld something from my sister—aside from when I was in the bowels of depression following the shooting. My gut churned as I made up lie after lie, but for whatever reason, I didn’t want to be the one to share that Ryan wasn’t who we thought he was.

  “We just got into a little fight, Ron. I don’t feel like talking to him.”

  “You have been waiting to be with him for months, years if we’re being honest, what could have possibly happened to make you not want to talk to him?”

  “Nothing. It was just dumb stuff.”

  “If it was dumb, then I’m sure it’ll all blow over,” she said.

  “Yeah, maybe,” I hesitantly agreed, knowing damn well it would never just blow over. He lied to me. And his lie was nothing like my lie.

  “I can’t believe you actually got drunk last night,” Ronnie said, and I could have hugged her through the phone for the subject change.

  I laughed, the movement making me a little queasy. Maybe I wasn’t completely out of the hangover zone. I laid back on my pillow and twisted a lock of hair around my finger.

  “Megan and I went to a party. Who knew beer bongs could be so much fun?”

  “Beer bongs?! Are you serious?”

  “Not so loud,” I whined.

  “You have to be more careful than that, Anna.”

  “Yes, mom. Don’t worry, I had a bodyguard,” I told her, thinking of Jack

  “Bodyguard?”

  Shit.

  “Yeah, the brother of Megan’s friend,” I answered. It wasn’t a lie.

  “So, a guy?” she inquired.

  Double shit.

  “Yes. His name is Jack. He’s a really nice guy.” I didn’t know that for sure, but he didn’t try anything last night, at least not that I remembered, so he had to be a good guy, right?

  “What are you doing, Anna?”

  I stiffened. I didn’t have to defend myself. Not after what Ryan did. But you didn’t tell your sister what Ryan did, my subconscious reminded me.

  “I’m not doing anything. Nothing happened. He just stood by and warned off anyone who tried to approach me. Then he and his brother made sure Megan and I got home okay. I woke up this morning alone and fully clothed.”

  “I’m sorry, but don’t get pissy with me. I just know you had a thing going with Ryan, and now all of a sudden he’s back in San Diego—finally—and you’re not speaking to him. And you’re going to parties and drinking and hanging out with new guys--”

  I cut her off. “I went to one party. I drank one time. I met two guys—who are just friends, mind you—at this one party. I’m not doing anything wrong, Ronnie. I’m a college student doing things a college student does.”

  I could practically feel her sigh through the line. “I know. I just worry about you.”

  I relaxed into the hard mattress. I knew my family would never stop worrying after what I put them through, and for that reason, I’d never ask them to.

  “I know you do, Ron. But I’m okay. Really.”

  “Okay. But won’t you at least talk to Ryan? If it’s just something stupid, what’s the big deal? You have so much history, are you ready to throw all that away?”

  He already did.

  “I’ll think about it, okay?” Silence came across the line. “You still there?”

  “Are you really not going to tell me what he did?” she asked quietly. “I know it’s bigger than you’re making it out to be.”

  I chewed my lip. I wanted to tell her, but I couldn’t. Ronnie would support me completely, I knew that. She would be on her way to the airport with her pitchfork in a nanosecond. But I had to work through some of this stuff on my own before calling in reinforcements.

  “I love you, Ronnie, you know that?”

  She sighed again, undoubtedly frustrated with me. “Yeah. I do.”

  ~ 34 ~

  Ryan

  Excited, confused, and annoyed. Those were the emotions I was alternating through as I stood on the Braddock campus, waiting for Anna to get out of class.<
br />
  She was in San Diego and had been since August. She never told me, not once in all the times we’d talked over the last several months since she’d gotten her acceptance. Now I was in San Diego—she knew damn well when I was getting back—and she was ignoring me. Not a single phone call, text, or email.

  Now I could see why.

  She emerged from a brick building across the grassy field from where I stood, leaning against a tree. I was in the shade, so she wouldn’t see me right away. Not that it would have mattered, since she was completely engrossed in whatever the giant steroid walking next to her was saying.

  Then she laughed, the kind of laugh where her head tipped back, and she let it all out. The kind of laugh that made her entire body shake. The kind of laugh that meant she was familiar and comfortable with whomever she was with.

  She was doing that laugh with him.

  Who the fuck was he?

  He smiled down at her, adoration in his eyes, like he was lost in the desert, and she was the last drink of water. And she grinned back at him. She wasn’t supposed to be looking at other guys like that.

  What the actual fuck was going on?

  Didn’t anything she said—anything we shared—mean a damn thing to her?

  Walking down the gravel path through the field, they approached the tree I was still leaning against.

  “Anna,” I said coolly.

  Her steps faltered and Steroid grasped her arm to steady her. I glared at where he was touching her with such a gentle familiarity.

  “Ryan,” she gasped, surprise evident on her face.

  I laughed, but nothing about the situation was funny. “You seem surprised to see me, which is interesting considering you know I live here.”

  “How…how did you…” she trailed off.

  I stood up to my full height and stepped away from the tree, pleased I was both taller and wider than the goon still standing beside her.

  “Well, when my girlfriend didn’t respond to my phone calls, texts, and emails, I called her sister because I was worried. Imagine my surprise when her sister told me she was here, in San Diego. Ronnie was even more surprised that you and I hadn’t seen each other yet, considering the disagreement we’d apparently gotten into.”

  She had the nerve to look down at the ground, as if this was awkward and painful for her.

  “Can we talk about this in private?” she asked, and I let out another laugh. Again, nothing funny about this.

  “Why? So your new boyfriend doesn’t find out about how you’ve been playing him?”

  “Hey, take it easy, guy,” Steroid said, taking a step between us.

  “Why don’t you just fuck off?” I asked, getting in his face.

  “Stop it!” Anna shouted, moving between us and pushing us apart, one hand on each of our chests. Her touch burned me, but not as badly as seeing her hand on someone else burned.

  “You know, that’s real rich coming from you,” she said, her sharp gaze like a knife in my chest.

  “What are you talking about? What the hell have I done? You’re the one who is with someone else.” I’d be damned if she turned this on me.

  Steroid smirked. He fucking smirked.

  “Jack is my friend. He has a girlfriend, Cindy, who is right over there,” Anna said, pointing to a short brunette sitting on a blanket in the grass, amused at the spectacle unfolding before her. “I’m not with anyone. Not even you.” What the fuck? She turned to Steroid, or Jack. “I’m sorry, I’m not feeling up for lunch. Apologize to Cindy for me.”

  He nodded and gave her arm a friendly squeeze—too damn friendly, if you asked me, which no one did—and then he turned to me and glared. “You hurt her any more than you already have, I’ll kick your fucking ass. I don’t give a shit who you are.” Then he stormed off, joining his petite girlfriend for a picnic.

  Anna took one long look at me, and all I saw was sadness in her glassy eyes. Taking a closer look, I noticed things I hadn’t seen in my previous rage. The way her skin looked a little too pale and the corners of her mouth were downcast. It reminded me of when…

  “What’s going on?” I asked, unease spreading through my body. She just shook her head at me and turned away, but not before I saw a tear slip down her cheek. “Anna, wait,” I said, grabbing her arm gently. “Talk to me,” I urged.

  She turned back around and my heart ached—it actually ached—at the sight of her flooded eyes and wet face.

  “Baby, what’s wrong?” I asked, holding her other arm, too. I was too afraid that if I let go, she’d disappear again.

  She pulled herself away from me and sniffed. She looked…broken.

  “I saw you,” she whispered, as though it was too painful to say out loud.

  “Saw me what?” What was she talking about?

  She met my eyes again and the pain I saw in them was raw. Selfishly, I thought that this was worse than how she was after the shooting because this time the pain was aimed at me. At something I had done. But what?

  “At the airport.”

  The airport? Shit. Charlotte. And Kelsey. Shit shit shit.

  “It’s not what you think,” I told her, which was a lie because it was at least half of what she thought.

  “Just save it, Ryan,” she said, sounding utterly defeated.

  It was my fault she looked and sounded the way she did, and I hated it. If I’d just been honest with her from the start, I could have avoided causing her pain.

  “No, just hear me out.”

  “I don’t want to hear you out,” she snapped. “Was this all just a scheme for revenge?” she asked, clenching her fists by her sides.

  “What? No!”

  “Look, I get it. I hurt you when I pushed you away--”

  “No, you don’t get it,” I interrupted. “It has nothing to do with revenge. I didn’t say anything about Charlotte because I wasn’t sure how to bring it up. When we started talking again, you were so…fragile.” She rolled her eyes at that, but at least she wasn’t running away. Not yet. “And then when things…evolved…I was never sure of the right time.”

  “How about any time? Any time would have been the right time, Ryan. I’m so sick of everyone treating me with kid gloves. I get it, all right? I was lost for a while, and everyone felt they needed to walk on eggshells around me. They still do. But dammit, I’m not going to break!”

  “I’m sorry, Anna.”

  “Sorry for what? Sorry for leading me on? For not telling me you have a daughter…a family?” her voice broke on the last word.

  “Hold on, you’re misunderstanding. I’m not with Charlotte’s mom. We’re just friends.”

  “Yeah. Right. Well, I have to go,” she said, sniffling again.

  “Please, can we talk about this?” I threaded my hands behind my head, the only thing I could do to keep myself from reaching for her.

  “I don’t think so,” she said, shaking her head.

  “Anna,” I begged. I didn’t know what else to say. I screwed up. Kelsey warned me. She fucking warned me this would happen.

  “Bye, Ryan.”

  I stood there like an idiot, watching the love of my life walk away from me, feeling like my heart was being torn out of my chest and dragged behind her for the second time.

  Only this time, it was my fault.

  ~ 35 ~

  Anna

  Returning to my room, I was thankful Megan had a class. I wanted to wallow alone. He looked so beautiful…so handsome…so angry. As if he had the right to be any of those things. He was a liar.

  Lying down on my bed, I stared at the white popcorn ceiling, wondering if those tiny little points were sharp to the touch. Every time I looked at the ceiling of my dorm room, I wanted to take one of those electric sanders to it and make it smooth. I couldn’t understand the appeal of a ceiling with tiny little peaks and ridges.

  My phone pinged, and I knew it was Ryan. I could feel it.

  I wanted to believe him about Charlotte. I wanted to believe he was waiting for t
he right moment before time slipped away. I wanted to, but that was such a convenient response. A clichéd response.

  The phone pinged again, and I sighed, rolling over to pull it from my backpack.

  Ryan: I’m so sorry, Anna. I was going to tell you as soon as I got back. I meant what I said. I didn’t want to tell you in the beginning because I was afraid of your response. I didn’t want to upset you. You were doing so well, becoming you again. I didn’t want to ruin that. I didn’t think it would be a big deal because we were just friends. When we started talking, I had no idea I’d fall in love with you all over again. Then I wanted to tell you, but I wanted to wait until I got home so we could talk about it in person. You were right, though. I should have told you in the beginning. I shouldn’t have kept her from you. I’m not ashamed of her, only of myself, because Charlotte’s the most amazing little girl in the world and I shouldn’t have hidden her from you, or from your family. I was wrong and I’m sorry.

  Another came through.

  Ryan: Charlotte’s mom’s name is Kelsey. We’re not together. We had a one night stand a few years ago that resulted in Charlotte. When she told me she was pregnant, we agreed we’d do the whole thing together. We tried to date, but it just wasn’t happening. We’ve been friends, good friends, ever since. That’s all. Kelsey knows about you. She told me months ago that I should have told you about Charlotte. I should have listened. I should have had faith in your strength and in our friendship, and I should have been honest from the beginning. I’m sorry, Anna. Please forgive me.

  Staring down at the screen of my phone, I pondered what to do. On the one hand, I wanted to forgive him. I wanted everything to go back to the way it was a week ago when I was sitting at the airport, excitedly waiting for his plane to arrive. On the other hand, I worried that maybe we just rushed into the whole thing and didn’t really know each other as well as we’d thought. Case in point, he had a whole life I knew nothing about. A daughter I knew nothing about.