Here Without You

by Jennifer L. Allen

  “Can I see your pictures?”

  Charlotte frowned. “Have to dwy, Daddy. Tomowwow.”

  I smiled at her serious little face. “Tomorrow sounds perfect.”

  I followed her around as she investigated the space. It was the exact same layout as Kelsey’s apartment, where Charlotte lived full-time, but the décor was different, and it amused my daughter to no end. I’ve been going to their apartment because, until yesterday, most of mine and Rogers’ things were still in boxes.

  “This is the wady fwom the aiwpowt.”

  Charlotte was standing in front of my nightstand, looking at a picture of me and Anna from high school. It was a selfie she’d taken while we were at the lake. Both our faces were pink from the sun, and we were laughing at something. I couldn’t remember what. We were always laughing back then, before everything got…complicated.

  “That’s my friend, Anna. You saw her?”

  “Her was weally nice.”

  My pulse quickened. “You talked to her?”

  Charlotte nodded, the movement exaggerated. “Wight befowe you came. Her is pwetty.”

  “Yeah, princess, she is pretty.”

  “Did she want to see you at the aiwpowt, too?”

  “I think she did, baby girl.”

  “Can she come over and pway wif me?”

  I rubbed my chest. I wanted Anna to come over and play with Charlotte. More than anything. But that was just me being selfish again.

  “Maybe someday, princess.”

  I hoped that was true.

  ~ 38 ~

  Anna

  A sense of déjà vu rolled through me as I made my way across campus exactly two weeks after my first confrontation with Ryan. Everything felt the same, sans Jack, who had to meet Cindy at the student center after class.

  As I walked by the tree where Ryan had been waiting, a woman stepped out from behind the thick trunk. “Anna?” she asked.

  She stepped out of the shadows, and I recognized her immediately. Kelsey. I held back my groan and plastered on a fake smile.

  “Can I help you?”

  “Do you have a minute to talk?” She must have known I recognized her from the airport because she didn’t introduce herself, which meant Ryan must have told her everything.

  Great.

  I nodded, not wanting to make an enemy of Ryan’s baby mama in case he and I ended up friends again in the future. I didn’t want there to be any friction between us.

  She followed behind me as I led her over to a bench down the gravel path and sat beside me once we stopped.

  “I’m sorry for blindsiding you like this, but I wanted to talk to you about Ryan…and Charlotte.”

  “Okay,” I hoped she’d just get this over with. Maybe she was there to tell me to back off, that she was in love with Ryan. Maybe she didn’t want me around her kid; I couldn’t exactly blame her. Who knew what Ryan had shared about me and our past? I never expected what she did say.

  “Look, Ryan’s a great guy. I know you know that already, though. He and I have been close the last four years, but you and him…you go way back. You probably know a lot more about him than I do, and I won’t pretend that you don’t. He made a mistake. A big, stupid mistake. I told him months ago that he should have been upfront with you about Charlotte. He thought he knew what he was doing. He’s an idiot, but he’s still a great guy. I’m not asking you to do anything you’re not comfortable with…I get why you broke things off…but don’t write him off completely. Not yet.” She broke eye contact and her eyes scanned the field. She lightly shook her head, as if trying to clear it.

  “Kelsey, I appreciate you coming out here and talking to me. You’re right, I do know Ryan’s a great guy. I’m just not sure our lives are heading down the same path anymore.” It hurt to say the words, but they were true. I wasn’t sure we were headed in the same direction. Things were different from when we were a couple of teenagers planning our future. I’d been stupid to think they hadn’t been. Things changed. People changed.

  “He’s been so lost the past two weeks,” she said, still staring off in the distance. “Since he’s been home, really. You’re a part of him. Such a big part. I knew that all along; we’re very open with each other.” She sighed, and I was beginning to think she was about to drop the “stay away from my man” line, but again, she surprised me.

  “Ryan would kill me for saying this. Hell, he’d kill me for coming here. We never fight, I don’t know if he ever told you that, but we don’t. We’ve never had a reason to. One night while he was on the ship, we were talking after his video chat with Charlotte, and he was talking about you and how he’d eventually want you to meet Charlotte. I figured that day would come eventually since you two were getting close again. I knew it was inevitable. I mean, if not you, someone, you know? Either he or I would eventually meet someone we’d want to introduce to her. He was talking about you meeting Charlotte, and he was so excited and do you know what I told him?”

  I shook my head because I had absolutely no idea. It was the weirdest conversation, mostly one-sided, I’d had in a long time.

  “I told him I was reluctant for you to meet her because of your history. I was scared that you might not be stable enough to be around our daughter.” A tear ran down her cheek. “He got so mad at me. He had such faith in you, in his judgement as a father, that he was positive nothing would ever happen that would bring your character into question around Charlotte. I argued with him, and he argued back, and we didn’t speak for a while after that, only cordial greetings and the necessary updates about Charlotte.” She wiped her cheek and rubbed her hands on her jeans. “He told me that was one of the concerns you had when you two argued. I wanted you to know, as a third party who had the same thought herself, I’m not worried about you being around Charlotte. Not anymore. I trust in Ryan’s faith in you.”

  “I don’t know what to say.”

  “You don’t have to say anything, Anna. I saw you with Charlotte at the airport. I know it was only a minute, and I didn’t know it was you at the time, but you were good with her. And Ryan trusts you, that’s enough for me. Just…have a little faith in yourself. And in Ryan. He’d never ask you to walk through his life with him and expect you to do it alone. That’s what you do in relationships. You and your partner walk through everything together. That’s what he and I do as Charlotte’s parents. We make choices together and carry each other when one of us is too weak. It’s what I do when he’s deployed and what he does when he gets back. It’s a give and take, always a give and take. Let him give, Anna. He wants to.”

  “You make it sound so easy,” I said, leaning against the back of the bench.

  “Who says it can’t be easy?”

  “Are three-year-olds ever easy?”

  She laughed, a beautiful, melodic sound. “No, no, they’re not. They’re work. A lot of work. But it’s worth it. The smiles, macaroni art, hugs, and sloppy kisses are totally worth it. I know it’s a big decision. A relationship with Ryan means a relationship with Charlotte. A relationship with Charlotte means a relationship with me. He comes with a lot of baggage, I get that. It’s scary and intimidating. It was scary and intimidating when I found out I was pregnant, too, by a guy in the Navy who was five years my junior. But it’s worth it. I promise you, we’re all worth it.”

  When I didn’t answer her, she said one more thing. “Are you really ready to say goodbye to him for good? It seems to me, the two of you are meant to be together. Don’t let him go, Anna.”

  With one last smile, she stood from the bench and walked off.

  Could I let him go?

  ~ 39 ~

  Anna

  Before I chickened out, I wrapped my knuckles three times on the apartment door.

  It wasn’t easy getting Ryan’s address, but after I finally told Ronnie everything, she agreed to help me. I didn’t know what she said or did to get it, but less than an hour after I’d hung up the phone with her, she texted me his address.

 
; I waited a full minute, then knocked again. No answer. Wouldn’t that just be the case? I finally made a decision, and he wasn’t home.

  Sitting on the top step of the third floor landing, I rested my head in my hands.

  Two days after my run-in with Kelsey, and I’d decided. I didn’t want to let him go.

  Was I scared? Yes.

  Did I have any idea what I was getting myself into? Not really.

  But one thing was for certain. I was madly in love with Ryan Jacobs, and I wasn’t letting him go. Kelsey had been right. Whatever happened…it would be worth it, and I wouldn’t have to face it alone. I’d have Ryan and…oddly enough, I knew I’d have Kelsey, too.

  “You okay?” a voice asked, startling me.

  Lifting my head, I was met with the brown eyes of a man about Ryan’s height and build, maybe a little taller, with a friendly smile on his face. He was also wearing a blue, multi-colored patterned uniform. The patch over his left breast pocket read “US Navy.” My eyes brightened.

  “I’m looking for Ryan. Ryan Jacobs. Do you know him? He’s in 306.”

  The guy’s smile grew wider. “Yeah, he’s my roommate. Are you…are you Anna?”

  I nodded and looked at the patch on his right breast pocket. “And you’re Rogers.”

  “Yeah, but my first name is Keith.”

  Standing, I extended my hand. “It’s nice to meet you.”

  “Same here,” he said, and I immediately liked his easygoing personality. “Want to wait inside? We just got off duty, but he was stopping by the store on his way back.”

  “Thank you,” I told him, following him to the door.

  He ushered me inside and motioned to the couch. “I’m going to go shower but have a seat. He shouldn’t be more than five minutes behind me.”

  “Thanks,” I said, taking a seat on the brown leather sofa. When Keith headed for his bedroom, I looked around the space. It was a bachelor pad, for sure, with a brown leather couch and recliner and dark wood furniture in the living room. There was a pink plastic tub in the corner of the room, below the large flat screen TV that was mounted to the wall; that probably held Charlotte’s toys. The kitchen was small, containing only a small four-seater table and chairs. The walls of both rooms were bare.

  I was about to get up and investigate the toy chest when the front door opened, and there he stood.

  He was frozen in place, staring at me on his couch…in his apartment…like if he did so much as blink, I’d disappear.

  “Hi,” I said lamely.

  “Hey,” he said, equally as lame.

  I’d practiced an entire speech on the Uber ride over, but my mind went completely blank at the sight of him.

  “You’re here,” he let the door close behind him finally.

  “I’m here,” I said with a small rise and fall of my shoulders.

  He took a few steps towards me and I stood, meeting him in the middle of the room. He raised his hand, then dropped it just as fast.

  “Ryan,” I started to say just as he said, “I’m sorry.”

  We both laughed. It was awkward. We were never awkward.

  Lifting his hand again, he cupped the side of my face. I leaned into his touch and closed my eyes. “It’s so good to see you.”

  “It’s good to see you, too,” I said softly. He went to move his hand, but I brought mine up to hold it in place. “Don’t let me go, Ryan.” Opening my eyes, I looked into his deep blues and repeated myself. “Don’t let me go.”

  “Never, baby. Never.”

  He leaned in, and his lips brushed against mine. It had been years since I felt his soft kiss, but it seemed like only yesterday. It was so familiar, so…him. I returned the kiss, snaking my arms around his waist. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer.

  A throat cleared behind us, and I jumped, breaking our connection.

  I rested my cheek on Ryan’s chest as he glared at Keith over my shoulder. “Can I help you?”

  “Just wondering if you wanted me to order the pizza?” Rogers asked.

  Ryan cursed under his breath and grabbed my hand, pulling me past a grinning Keith and down the small hallway. “Order whatever you want,” he called out before pulling me into his bedroom and slamming the door shut.

  I almost melted under the heat from his gaze as he turned around and looked at me. Wasting no time, he pressed me up against the bedroom door and kissed me again.

  “I missed you so much,” he said in between kisses.

  “I missed you, too,” I told him. “We should talk,” I added when he let me come up for air.

  “Talk. Right.” He pressed one more kiss against my lips and reluctantly stepped away.

  Giving myself a moment to take him in, I almost whimpered at how he looked in his uniform. I’d seen him from the shoulders up through the video chat, but I hadn’t gotten the full effect. He must have been melting panties all around the world. He made my heart flutter and my knees go week; it was a good thing I was sitting down.

  “See something you like?” he asked, using the words he’d first said to me when he caught me eyeing him in art class.

  Smirking, I replied just as I had that day. “Nothing much.”

  “Liar,” he said, stalking back towards me.

  Giggling, I pushed my hands against his chest. “Talk. Remember?”

  He groaned in response and took a seat on his bed, patting the space beside him. I sat, noticing the picture of us from a summer at the lake on his nightstand. It warmed my heart to see that even though things weren’t quite right between us, he still kept me close.

  “Tell me you have good news,” he said, a solemn look on his face.

  I wanted to reassure him, but I couldn’t…not entirely. I couldn’t make empty promises about our future because anything could happen. He and I both knew that more than anybody. So I told him the truth. I told him what I knew at that moment.

  “I want to be part of your life, Ryan. I want to try. I have no idea what I’m getting myself into, but I love you, and I don’t want to lose you.”

  He closed his eyes and dropped his head, the tension that had been holding him together so stiffly seeming to disappear from his body in one giant rush.

  Opening his eyes again, he placed his hands on my cheeks. “You have no idea how happy I am to hear you say that.” He gave me a quick kiss, then pulled away. “I’m so sorry, Anna. What I did was shitty, but I swear, I’m going to spend the rest of my life making it up to you, if you’ll let me.”

  “I want to let you,” I whispered against his lips.

  “Thank God,” he said, closing the distance between us.

  We never did make it back out to the living room for pizza, but it was worth it.

  ~ Epilogue ~

  Ryan

  Five Years Later

  “I’m so proud of you,” I told my wife as I looked around the wide, open space.

  “I couldn’t have done it without you,” Anna said, her eyes glittering in the bright, white lights.

  “No, babe. This is all you.”

  We were at her first showing, and the pieces she’d worked tirelessly on over the years were displayed on the walls of one of Seattle’s finest art galleries. Black and white sketches and colorful abstract paintings were strategically placed throughout the room.

  The click of heels on the hardwood floor alerted us to our first visitor, and we turned, hand-in-hand, to greet them.

  “This is amazing,” Kelsey cried, hugging Anna first, then me.

  “Great work,” Jim, Kelsey’s husband, added. We shook hands, and he kissed Anna on the cheek.

  Anna looked behind them, frowning. “Charlotte didn’t come?”

  Kelsey laughed. “And leave her baby brother behind with the sitter? Come on, no one can take care of Brody as well as his big sister.”

  Brody was our four month old son—mine and Anna’s—and he was spending the evening with Kelsey and Jim’s two kids and their babysitter…and Charlotte, too, apparently.r />
  Anna’s eyes filled with love. She and Charlotte were close. When properly introduced five years ago, they took to each other immediately and formed a bond Kelsey and I couldn’t touch.

  “She’s such a little mommy,” Anna agreed, probably remembering, like me, how Charlotte wouldn’t let Kelsey and Jim’s twins out of her sight their first six months.

  “The party can officially start. I’m here.” We all laughed as Ronnie rolled into the room, her fiancé, Dave, walking beside her.

  Anna bent down to hug her sister, then greeted Dave.

  I looked at my watch. “Doors don’t open to the public for another twenty minutes.”

  “There’s already a line outside,” Dave told us, and Anna’s face paled.

  “A line?”

  “You’re a big deal,” I joked. I’d been telling her that ever since she started winning awards for her art back in college. She just rolled her eyes as she always did.

  “The ‘rents should be here soon. They’re just parking the car.”

  It warmed my heart that our friends and family traveled from all over to support Anna. Her parents, my parents, and Ronnie all still lived on the east coast in North Carolina. They’d wanted to be closer to us and to Brody and Charlotte, but considering I moved every few years with the Navy, it didn’t make sense for them to attempt to settle near us until I retired. Rogers ended up heading back to Norfolk after San Diego—the first time he and I had been separated during our service—but he’d be here tonight, too, with his girlfriend. And Anna’s old college roommate, Megan, was in town as well. Kelsey and Jim were local, Kelsey having moved to Seattle with Anna and me when I had my last relocation. She met Jim here, and they lived in a house in the same neighborhood as me and Anna. I had a feeling this was the last stop for Kelsey, though. But I didn’t want to think about that tonight, tonight was about my wife and her art.

  “This is all so wonderful,” Anna’s mom said as she walked through the room towards us. Her eyes were wide as she took everything in. “I’ve seen your work, darling, but I’ve never seen it all in one place like this.” She kissed Anna on both cheeks, then smiled at her. “I’m so proud of you.”