by Liv Morris
“I don’t know what you’ve been through, but it sounds like you’ve experienced a little hell on earth.”
“You have no idea. But it’s over now. Thank God.” She glanced at her stomach. “Well, it’s not all over really. I can deal with what’s ahead now, though.”
A couple women walked by us as they headed to the restrooms. Their faces showed concern, probably wondering what was going on between Kirsten and me. I smiled and tipped my head their way to give them a little reassurance that everything was okay.
“You’re a brave woman to be facing . . .” I glanced to her stomach, “everything on your own. I have an idea. Did you drive here?”
“I did,” she replied. “I borrowed my parents’ car. Just like being sixteen again.” She laughed, almost seeming embarrassed.
“Dave brought me tonight. I was planning on having a few drinks, but I was thinking maybe we could go back to my house. I have some steaks I could throw on the grill. How does that sound?”
“I don’t know.” Kirsten hesitated, pulling her pouty lower lip between her teeth. Damn if it didn’t turn me on.
“We could sit out on my deck. Enjoy the nice spring evening and catch up.” I was pulling out all the stops and holding my breath, hoping she’d say yes. I’d get down on my knees and beg if I had to.
“Well, I am a little spent and not really feeling up for a big group thing after all. All these crazy emotions . . .” She focused intensely on my eyes before continuing. “I do feel better talking with you, though. You always got me, Colin. I never had to explain myself to you. And God knows I could really use a friend like that now.”
“Right back at you, beautiful.” Without thinking, I let my fingers push a stray strand of her hair away from her cheeks.
It took all I had not to pull her to me again. However, her use of the word “friend” made me realize we had to cross that bridge first—becoming friends again after so many years apart—but I had a feeling we were well on our way.
“Thanks.” She smiled sweetly at me, and I swore my heart skipped a beat. She was killing me, and I loved it.
“Why don’t we stop back by the table, speak to the gang, and then—”
“Head out like a baby?” Kirsten interrupted, then started to belly laugh.
“Damn,” was all I could get out as we laughed together. I think it was just what she needed, too.
I followed her to the table as she walked with my hand pressed against the small of her back. She didn’t seem to mind the intimate gesture. She glanced to the side and a big smile spread across her beautiful face. I grinned and winked at her, hoping my encouragement gave her a little strength.
Matthew was the first one to spot us. He perked up. “Hey, guys,” he said as we stood by the table. Kirsten didn’t take a seat, so I followed her lead and remained on my feet.
“Hey,” Kirsten said back. “Sorry about me leaving the table. It wasn’t my finest moment. I thought I was better prepared for—”
“No need to explain,” Matthew interjected. “Tina gave us a quick rundown. I can speak for everyone here in saying we’re going to do everything possible to help you.”
“Wow, you don’t know how much I appreciate it. I can’t even begin to tell you. For the first time in months, I don’t feel alone in all of this.”
Kirsten’s voice faded away at the end, and I worried she was going to cry again. She turned her head my way and smiled after she spoke. She was okay; she just needed her old friends around her showing they cared and supported her. No woman should go through this alone and she knew she wouldn’t be facing it by herself. We were there for her.
“Would you all be upset if we took off?” I looked around the table as big smiles appeared on everyone’s faces. Yeah, they were probably thinking what I was hoping: Kirsten and I back together, just like old times.
“Of course not,” Tina replied. “We can all catch up later this weekend. Remember, I’m having you all over to my house. Pool opening.”
“Oh, I forgot about that.” I winced, knowing the divorce finalizing had occupied my mind more than it should have. “I plan on being there.”
“Kirsten, I hope you can come, too,” Tina said. “I was going to ask you tonight. Saturday night around seven. Hamburgers on the grill by the pool. It’ll still be too cold to swim.”
“Thanks. I’d love to. I’m glad it’s cold, because I don’t think I’ll let myself be seen in a swimsuit anytime soon,” Kirsten responded.
“Don’t worry. You look terrific. Right, guys?”
Tina looked straight at me with a closed-mouth smile. She knew exactly what she was up to. All the guys spoke at the same time, agreeing with her, and Kirsten beamed. This group of friends was just what she needed to rebuild her confidence.
“Aw, thanks,” Kirsten said sheepishly. “You sure know how to make a girl feel good.”
“It’s true,” Tina chimed in. “I was already a swollen mess at the end of my first trimester. You’re only showing in your tummy.”
“For now. I have a feeling things are going to change.”
Kirsten glanced at me and nodded, so I spoke up. “You ready? I’ve got some steaks with our names on them back at the house.”
“Wow, look at you, Colin,” Dave nearly shouted, and I gave him a not too subtle punch on the arm to get him to shut up. After watching him flinch, I was pretty sure he got the message.
“Sorry, just kidding.” He lowered his gaze as he apologized. Whatever. He teases all the time, but this was a little too much for me, and likely Kirsten, too.
“You all enjoy yourselves. How about we do lunch tomorrow, Kirsten?” Tina asked.
“Sure,” Kirsten replied. “I’d love to.”
“Let’s meet at Cafe Pacific in Highland Park Village about noon.”
“Sounds great. I miss that place. It was one of my favorites.”
Kirsten scanned the table, stopping to make eye contact with each of the guys sitting there.
“Thanks for all your support tonight. I was super nervous about everyone’s reaction to seeing me, especially being in this condition.” She looked down at her stomach, but kept her smile intact.
“I’m so glad you came, Kirsten.” Dave smiled reassuringly at her.
She placed her hand on Dave’s shoulder and bent down to kiss his cheek, which instantly turned red. Who knew old Dave could blush?
“You’re so sweet,” Kirsten said to Dave as she ruffled his hair. Having her here was good for everyone, not just her.
After another round of goodbyes, we finally headed to the door. My hand stayed on the small of her back the entire walk to the entrance. It was hard to believe how this day had turned around for me. I woke up with divorce papers on my mind, and now the body heat of the only woman I’d ever truly loved permeated against my palm. I couldn’t imagine a better ending to this day, and it wasn’t even over yet.
6
Kirsten’s Turn
Nearly eight weeks had passed since I saw Colin at my first Love Handles gathering. That night was nerve-racking, crazy, and wonderful all mixed into one. In my mind, I could still see his face as he walked through the doors of the pub. He took my breath away then, and still did.
We’d left the pub early and went back to his house, a lovely home in Highland Park, not far from where he’d grown up. I knew he’d done well for himself. Tina had told me a few bits and pieces over the years; nothing specific, though. I’d never asked questions, either. I didn’t want to hear about him being happy with someone else. But I had no idea what he’d been doing to achieve the kind of wealth a home like his would have cost. It was phenomenal. Over the top beautiful. And big—Texas-sized big.
However, in all its beauty, the house seemed lonely to me. A big mansion with only him wandering around in it. The thought of this made me sad. All the achievement on his part, but no one to share it with. Perhaps that was why he wanted to bring me back to his house. He’d been alone for too long.
Colin gri
lled up some delicious steaks and never let my drink get even half-empty. He was so attentive and caring. The sweet boy I’d known had become a beautiful grown man. Thankfully, the sweet in him had never left or changed. He was the same Colin I remembered and adored from high school—the one I knew before he slept with someone else.
After dinner, we sat on his patio by the pool, gazing off at the fading rays of light. He gradually started to open up to me about his life as the last of the sun disappeared and twilight wrapped around us. Perhaps it shielded us from seeing each other’s faces, protecting us as we spoke of our hurts and disappointments. Our dark days stayed there in the dark.
His failed marriage was the first topic he had brought up. How it was doomed from the start. He’d met his now ex-wife in college. Her father owned a large defense contracting company in Dallas and needed a male heir to take over his company when he retired. His father-in-law felt his daughter wouldn’t have been taken seriously in the male dominated defense industry and thought Colin had been a perfect fit, a natural-born leader and sharp as a tack.
For Colin, it was a twofer—a wife and a company. For a guy getting out of school without a job secured, he caved and grabbed the carrot dangling in front of him. He thought he loved her, and they seemed like a happy couple the first year, then he faced the stress that came with running a large company. He shared being overwhelmed with Natalie, but she accused him of being weak. He realized early on their marriage was more like a partnership and ended as a failed business agreement.
His share of the business had been substantial since he’d helped take the company public. Once that had happened, his portfolio had become worth millions, but his personal life had added up to nothing, and before long, he and his wife were sleeping on opposite ends of the house. This part of his story was difficult to hear. I knew all too well what it was like living inside a passionless marriage, since the touches I’d received from Joe never made it to my heart. The act of sex in our marriage was just that for me—an act.
He and I had been through some shitty years. We’d both married the wrong person, and it had taken years for us to realize or admit our mistake. I told him how Joe had been waiting for me when I arrived back at Baylor after leaving UT so many years ago. Mentioning that fateful day was difficult. I could feel the tension between us increase, but it had to be said. There was no moving forward without speaking about our past.
I softly spoke of the day I’d left him standing in his fraternity room, telling him I’d called Joe in tears as I’d tried to drive back to Waco. Joe had almost talked me into pulling over and waiting for him to come get me, but somehow, I’d gathered myself together and made the two-hour trip.
Once he’d seen my car pull into the parking lot of my dorm, he had come for me and engulfed me in his arms.
Looking back at that young, vulnerable girl, I knew the truth about Joe’s comfort. It was a cold and calculating love meant to get him what he wanted: to possess me.
I’d never quite figured out why Joe decided I was the girl for him. The one. The only. Maybe I was the unattainable prize or conquest, but once he’d put on his charms, I was really no match for him. I was sad and broken. He’d been too eager to fix me, so I’d let him. It became a pattern for us. Joe deciding what was best. Joe dictating what I would do.
I remembered Colin trying to apologize to me. He begged me, actually, and I’d told him we were both young and needed to look beyond that day. I shouldn’t have run off, but I had. We each had regrets, and if we were going to continue to be friends, I felt the past should be buried along with our marriages. We needed to start our friendship or whatever we had anew.
Initially, I worried our reconnecting was on overdrive, progressing far too fast. But after a couple weeks of trying to keep things between us as friends, I had decided to give in and follow my heart, throw caution to the wind.
I was so thankful I had. It led me back into the arms of the most beautiful man I’d ever known. Every time we talked on the phone, exchanged texts, or got together in person, our relationship grew and became stronger.
He was patient when it came to the physical part of our relationship and didn’t push me, and under the circumstances I found myself in, I appreciated his restraint. I could tell he wanted more between us from almost day one, but it took me a little time to come around. I was pregnant, newly separated from Joe, and facing a world of problems trying to divorce him.
All my troubles, not to mention the pregnancy, didn’t seem to bother Colin. He took all the insanity in stride. He held my hand and encouraged me every time I felt like giving up, which happened countless times a day. He kept my head above water when I felt like I was drowning. I owed him so much . . . especially after today.
We were on a plane heading to Atlanta to have a meeting with Joe and his attorney. I felt queasy at the thought of facing Joe again. It was D-day for me, and Colin too. He was going to be face-to-face with my tormenter and had to remain calm even when he wanted to confront Joe man-to-man.
Joe had stalled on every attempt to settle our divorce quick and painlessly. He wanted me to suffer. His threats had become outrageous as my newly hired divorce attorney fought for me. My attorney said he’d dealt with many control freaks in his days, but he’d never seen anyone like Joe. His behavior was apparently epic.
The first thing my attorney did for me was secure some funds for my living expenses. Legally, Joe was required to give me access to the accounts we’d shared when I left him. He had no right to take the money from our joint account and reopen it under his name only. Pretty arrogant move on his part considering he was a lawyer and knew better.
I really didn’t care about the money too much, though. Sure, I needed some for the baby and myself, but I just didn’t have any fight left. Maybe it was the struggles I’d had over the last few years being married to a harsh man. Trying to be the perfect wife. Hoping he would notice me for who I was and not always trying to get me to be something I wasn’t. Live up to some imaginary standard he had in his mind. Joe had basically worn me out.
Colin listened to me for hours as I shared how Joe controlled me in every aspect of my life. How he kept me dependent on him from day one by limiting the amount of knowledge I had with our finances.
He would give me a certain amount of cash each week, treating me like a teenager receiving their weekly allowance, not a wife sharing a life with a man she loved. If I ran out of money, I had to beg him for more. It was a game of sport to him. Watch the little wife plead while he held all the power.
Colin wanted to right any wrongs he could, so I let him help with the divorce. Maybe he shouldn’t have stepped in, but he insisted and I was truly thankful for his help. I couldn’t do it on my own as exhaustion ruled me most days. Maybe it was the pregnancy and moving back home under the circumstances. I wasn’t sure, but I needed support from someone who cared about me, wanted what was best for me, and perhaps even still loved me.
Colin and I hadn’t brought that word up yet, but we loved being together. He said he loved my hair, my lips, and the sound of my voice. The list of what he loved about me and what I loved about him were pages long. We hadn’t admitted to being “in love” with one another again, but for me, I had never stopped.
Today, I was the lucky one. Not only was he in my heart and mind, he was also sitting beside me on the plane. His fingers weaved through mine, and I opened my eyes to find him smiling reassuringly at me. He knew I was nervous today—petrified, if I was being honest. I knew he was anxious, too, but he didn’t show it. He would be strong for me, and I would be forever grateful to him.
“We should be landing in a few minutes,” he said, rubbing the top of my hand with his thumb. His touch soothed me and gave me strength.
“I figured we were close.” I tried to smile back, but I just couldn’t find one in me without having to force it.
“Hey, it’s going to be okay. I promise.” His stare became serious, as if he wanted to scare the worry away.
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br /> “You’re right. We’re prepared, but nothing could be worse than having this divorce drag on for years and years.”
“I don’t think Joe wants this divorce to drag on. He just wants you to cave. Give into his demands. He didn’t figure on you having an army to back you up.”
“True. I think he thought I’d be a pushover just like I’d been in our marriage.” I searched his face before I continued. “You’ve saved me in so many ways.”
“Likewise.” He brought my hand to his lips and gently kissed my knuckles. “I’m here for you and the baby. In all ways, if you want me to be. Remember that today when we’re sitting across the table from Joe. I’m the one who cares for you. The one who lo—”
I knew what he wanted to say, but he stopped himself for whatever reason, and I wouldn’t ask or beg, even if I was dying to hear him tell me he loved me.
“Damn it, Kirsten. I wanted to tell you how I truly felt about you when we were doing something special. Like staring at the starry sky while I held you by the pool. After today’s meeting and this mess was over. Not like this . . .”
“You here with me is special.” I squeezed his hands, hoping he’d continue.
“Okay then.” Taking my other hand into his, he leaned closer, a whispered breath away. I prepared my heart for what he was about to say to me, my vision blurring with unshed tears.
“The very first time I saw you, I knew there was something different about you. When you looked up at me, stared back into my eyes for the first time, I felt a special connection that’s still there for me today.” He took a breath. “It never went away. It’s like I carried around a piece of us, together, in my heart. My love for you was always there inside me. Never dying and probably keeping me from loving anyone else. It’s only been you, Kirsten. Only you.”
Damn pregnancy hormones. My eyes were spilling buckets of tears. One after the other, after the other. He brought his hands to my face, our fingers still entwined, and wiped the streams away. His lips brushed over my cheeks as he kissed the salty torrents away. They all belonged to him now. His lips tenderly caressed and comforted me.
