“What happened, Esther?” Joseph asked, cautiously reminding himself that talking about this would be like approaching a badger caught in a trap.
“Well, what Michael told you: I was raped.”
“Esther,” he said his voice low, “it might be good for you to talk about it. Do I need to take care of the man who did it?”
This time Esther did smile. She shook her head. “No, I don’t even know where he is,” she sighed and straightened her back, assuming her capable pose, but Joseph did not miss the shaking hands that clenched her dress. “I suppose you will not let this matter go, so I’ll tell you.” She cleared her throat and looked down briefly as if gathering courage and then calmly looked him in the eye.
“His name was or is James Clement. He was a law student and very, very wealthy. The kind of wealth that makes one believe they should have anything and anyone they want. James was the talk of the city, handsome, intelligent, and rich. He could have any woman, but he wanted me. Everyone told me what a catch he was and what a fine husband he would make. My father and mother were thrilled beyond measure.” Esther bit her lip glancing away for only a second to steady her voice. “But he repulsed me. Every time he smiled or touched me my skin would crawl. I never trusted him. One night, his family had a fancy dinner party at their mansion. I did not want to go, but my parents insisted. They were furious that I would not accept James and hoped that the more I saw him the more I would be inclined to change my mind. After the dinner, dancing commenced and James came and told me that one of the servants had been struck down sick. The doctor was coming, but would I mind attending her in the mean time? Being naïve, I agreed and followed him to his room, far enough away where no one could hear me scream. He shut the door, made an—” she grimaced, her hands gripping her dress tighter till the knuckles were white, “offer, and when I refused, he forced himself. I fought, of course, but he was a big man who’d had too much to drink at dinner.”
Joseph’s jaw was clenched so tightly he thought his teeth might shatter from the pressure. He would have given anything to be there to save her.
“Did you tell your parents?” Joseph asked through clenched teeth.
Esther actually laughed. “Oh, yes. I did. They were so, well, uncomfortable with facing James Clement and his family that they refused to believe me. When I showed them the bruises and threatened to make it public, my father went to James Clement.” She smiled wryly. “James told him it was consensual, and that our passion got out of hand on both sides. My father returned angry at me for trying to blame James, but also thrilled because James had told him that he would marry me anyway, even though I had let my morals slip,” Esther said sarcastically. “Even though I was now tainted, James would still marry me. Then, I discovered I was pregnant, and I fled. I wrote to my parents letting them know I was safe. They implored me to come home until I wrote I was with child. After that they sent some money, and that was all. My uncle managed to get a hold of me and offered me a job as a midwife. I hadn’t finished nursing school, but he said he would train me. So I moved out here to Tall Pine.”
Joseph nodded, encouraging her to go on.
“It changed the course of my life,” Esther continued. “It changed how I thought and how I felt. The whole time I was pregnant, I cried every day for hours at a time. I hated God, hated my life, but when I had Michael things got better. It is amazing how loving someone so much can heal you. Still, there was more than a little bitterness and fear. It was not until I turned to God, that bitterness turned to gratitude, and fear turned to strength.” She looked down, twirling the lace on her sleeves. “Some things, however, go too deep. The fear of a man’s control or his touch surfaces memories that I have long since buried.” She swallowed. “It would not be fair to marry a man to whom I could not be a good wife.”
Joseph reached out and took her hand, “Even a man you love?”
Esther blinked, a small crease marking her forehead. Was Joseph asking if she loved him? Even after what she had just told him about her scars running as deep and long as the Grand Canyon? Who would want to deal with that?
Michael was now running back yelling at Joseph that he saw a fish jump.
“That’s my cue to go fishing.” Joseph released Esther’s hand and stood up. “Listen Esther, you have every right to distrust men, to worry about intimacy, emotionally and physically, but as a Ranger I have seen horrible things happen to people, and one thing I know for sure is that everyone eventually heals—if they allow themselves to.” He gave her a gentle smile before picking up the fishing rods and walking over to Michael.
Esther’s heart was in cartwheels. That was the first time, besides to her aunt and Eliza, that she had told anyone about her experience. Telling Joseph had been hard. It was like lancing a large boil; it hurt but once the infection had been cleaned away, there was a relief—a feeling of cleansing and clarity. Joseph had asked if she loved him. Did she? Despite all that had happened, did she love Joseph?
Esther looked ahead, her son, her precious and treasured son was laughing as he always did with Joseph. The muscular Texas Ranger was gently guiding Michael with loving hands teaching him how to properly cast the fishing line. Joseph had seen her and loved her from the beginning. He had not been faint at heart, but rather he had persisted even with all her mixed messages and often-cold demeanor. He was kind, handsome, strong, and good-hearted.
Esther gasped. She loved him! With her full heart, she loved Joseph. Heat rose to her skin, washing away the chill. Hot chocolate seemed to coarse through her veins. So this was what it felt like—pure warmth and joy. Joseph looked back at her and Esther’s skin broke into a million goose bumps. She wanted this man, wanted him badly.
A chill wind kissed Esther’s face. She felt cleansed, but now her heart ached with each beat. She would have to let Joseph go. She loved him too much, and although Joseph said all wounds healed, she would not bind him to a lifetime of celibacy waiting for those wounds to heal. Yes, he would have to go. Was that not the plan from the beginning? No, the plan had been to not fall in love with him, to keep her distance, to protect her son’s feelings, her feelings, and Joseph’s feelings. She had failed at protecting all three.
Michael would be devastated, his dreams of the perfect father, the father that Esther herself had described and was physically manifested in Joseph, all of that would be lost and gone for good. She who had worked so hard to get on her feet and had bloodied her knees with prayers would have to move on one more time. Joseph? Surely Joseph with his looks, good nature, and charm would find another woman.
The thought made Esther uncomfortable. She did not want him with another woman, although she knew that was selfish. Still, the mere thought made her cringe. “Be strong Esther,” she told herself quietly. She knew she had issues, but she knew God loved and cherished her and that she did her best to be a good woman. She was a good enough woman for Joseph, but she could not be a good wife, not in the way a man like him would want.
Esther was silent when Joseph and Michael returned with only three fish. He did not push her to speak. Joseph imagined it had been hard enough to describe her past, and he himself was still rigid with anger. Luckily, Michael’s presence soothed him. God bless that kid. He indeed was a miracle and so lucky to have the mother he did.
/
Eliza couldn’t focus. After Abby had left her shop and the two had discussed songs during her lunch break, Eliza had an odd feeling, a restlessness as if her instinct or intuition were telling her something, but she could not make it out. She accidentally ignored customers, knocked down dresses, and kept looking at the time, feeling that she was late for something.
“Dear Lord,” she half prayed, half talked to herself, “what in daylight’s name is wrong with me?
It was not until Will burst through the door shouting her name that her mind cleared.
“Eliza—Eliza where is Abby?”
Will’s face was white with worry and he was breathing rapidly.
“She left some time ago, Will. She had her brother’s big stallion so she should be home by now. Why, what’s wrong?”
Will shook his head. “Joseph. We need Joseph. I need to check on Abby.” He began to go, talking to himself. Eliza ran after him trying to grab his sleeve to halt him. She didn’t need to, because before reaching him, Will spun around just about knocking her over.
He didn’t apologize, just grabbed her shoulders. “I need you to go fetch Esther and take her to Mary Higgins.”
Mary? The pregnant woman who did not deserve her child? “Will, what is going on? Tell me this instant.” Eliza steadied herself and spoke sternly.
“Toby has killed two men. Shot them in the chest. Sheriff Ben went by his home and Mary is in labor wailing about her Toby.”
“Where is Toby?” Eliza asked, already reaching for her shawl.
“He fled. We are sending out a search party before he gets too far. We need Joseph’s help, and I need to make sure Abby got home safely.” He turned running out the door. “Go get Esther!” he shouted.
Eliza’s heart was pounding. Something greater than herself told her that Mary’s baby was in trouble and it needed her. But she had no carriage. It was still broken and it was too far to walk to get to Esther in time. Kyle? No Kyle was coming home today from Denver, but she had recently stopped by his bakery, and he was still gone.
Eliza’s breath quickened. She’d have to ride. She hated riding a horse—those big beasts spooked to easily. In fact, she could not ride. There had to be another way. Besides, her horse was only used to pulling her little cart.
A sharp and clear image of a wet, crying newborn filled Eliza’s mind. A strong sense of familiarity to this unborn child overwhelmed her. She had to help. Tossing aside all fears, Eliza rushed out of the shop.
Sixteen
Abby handed Joseph a cup of coffee, her face solemn.
“I probably should not have told you, Abby. I just needed to say something.” Joseph rubbed his temple, a habit when he was stressed.
Abby smiled sitting herself down. “No, you were right to. I love Esther dearly and this just makes me admire her more. I just feel bad for all those things said about her that she thought she was better than men—it all makes sense now.”
“I just don’t know what to do. I understand now why she is skittish and why I could never read her. She must hate men.”
Abby shook her head. “I don’t think Esther can hate anyone. I would imagine she just does not trust them. Her father controlled her and the one man whom she had any social interaction with hurt her. What man has helped her? Been in her corner? Of course, logically she may know you are different, but emotionally, she may not be able to overcome the barriers that she constructed to survive.”
Joseph nodded. “I see your point, but Abby, I would do anything for her. How can I help her? I only got two weeks before I need to head back in order to get my final pay for being a Ranger, beat the snow, and begin overseeing the ranch.” He looked down. “Even if I came back in spring, my gut tells me she will be gone. So what do I do?”
Abby looked down into her cup of tea gently swirling the chamomile liquid. “You don’t help her Joseph. You can’t.”
Joseph narrowed his eyes. “Abby, I don’t think Esther is beyond help or—”
Abby held up her hand. “Wait, wait! I have not finished yet. Esther one time told me something very wise. She said that women are always looking for a man to help them, heal them, and fix them. When in fact the only one who can fix them is God. There is no other way.”
“So what am I supposed to do? Just let her go?”
“No, you love her and wait for God to heal her. He will heal her, and it probably won’t be with angelic music or anything grand. He’ll provide circumstances, situations, all which will lead Esther to where she needs to be.”
“She needs to be with me,” Joseph growled.
“Joseph, you have always been needed. For heavens sake’s the state of Texas needs you, but you can’t force someone to need you. Let Esther take her time in—”
“I don’t have time, Abby,” Joseph slammed the table, shaking the teacups.
Abby sighed and began to reply but was interrupted by a loud knocking on the door.
Joseph shot Abby a puzzled look before answering the persistent knock.
“Will?” Joseph opened the door with surprise. “Is everything all right?”
Will looked past Joseph to see Abby, his face softening with relief. “Toby’s murdered two men. Killed them right outside town. Tried to hide the bodies, too, but a woman witnessed it all. Toby took a shot at her and missed, barely singed her shoulder. Sheriff wants any armed man to search for him.”
Joseph nodded. He always kept a revolver at his hip and left to get another one as well as his rifle.
Will looked at Abby: “Abby—lock the door and don’t let anyone in unless it is Joseph or me, understand?”
Abby nodded, picking up Killer, scratching his ears. “Both of you be safe, alright?” Abby instructed softly.
Joseph’s face suddenly paled. “What about Esther? I need to—”
“Esther will be fine.” Will said, walking out. “Mary needs her, and I sent Eliza to fetch her.”
“Fine against a murderer?” Joseph exclaimed. “I am glad that you worry about my sister, but Esther—”
“Esther carries a gun in that gypsy wagon all the time. She keeps a pistol strapped to her leg most times as well. Not to mention, she is a better shot than most men around here.” He stopped and turned to Joseph who shut the door behind him.
“The best thing we can do for the safety of these women is to find Toby, Ranger.”
Joseph tensed. “Don’t need to be told what to do, Pastor.”
The two men gave each other a nod signaling they would speak no more and set off.
/
Esther squinted at the figure approaching, small, delicate and riding on a giant horse. She had heard her name being called as she pulled up to her home.
“Esther!” The strained voice shouted again. Esther stood up in the cart; it could not be Eliza! Eliza hated riding horses. The figure came closer and sure enough, Eliza was riding at a fast trot towards her. Fear sized Esther. Something drastic must have happened.
“Eliza, what is wrong?” she quickly helped Michael down.
Eliza rode up out of breath and cheeks flushed. “It’s Mary. She’s in labor and Toby—he’s run off. He killed two men and has the whole town looking for him.”
Esther’s eyes darkened. With Toby gone, Mary would be going into hysterics and a hysterical woman did not lead to a safe labor. She quickly kissed Michael on the head.
“Sweetheart, I need to go. Can you stay here with Eliza?”
“We will play games!” Eliza said breathlessly, sliding off the horse.
Michael looked worried. “Did Joseph go after Toby?”
Esther smiled. “Joseph is a Texas Ranger…no one can hurt him.” She smiled, but in her heart she said a quick prayer for all the men looking for Toby, especially Joseph. She motioned Eliza closer and placed her head close to her friend’s ear, whispering softly: “I keep the rifle under the bed. When I arrive back here with Mary, Michael and you will need to go to the barn. I doubt this will be a smooth and pleasant labor. If Toby by chance comes—”
“I will place a hole in him the size of Texas, Esther,” Eliza said firmly, her eyes turning to steel. Esther gripped Eliza’s hand knowing she would do just that. Then, with another kiss from Michael, this time for her comfort, she climbed in her cart and snapped Lancelot into a run.
/
“My Toby’s left, he’s left me. I gotta go to him!” Mary yelled as she fell on her knees with a contraction. “Damn baby is keeping me from Toby. I hate it!” Her hands dug into Esther’s back as she supported Mary’s weight. Esther held her, counting through the contraction.
“Mary you are about six minutes apart; we need to get you to my house. Hurry!” She wrapped Mary’s
arm around her neck and hobbled to her cart.
“Sheriff said Toby killed two men, but he wouldn’t leave me. He would at least take me with him,” she sobbed, tears and sweat dripped down to her pale cotton blouse. “I want Toby. I can’t live without him.”
Esther used all her strength to haul Mary into the wagon. Mary was now trying to fling herself out. “Mary, what are you doing?” Esther cried out. A muscle in her hip tore as she braced Mary to keep her from falling out of the wagon. Esther cringed in pain.
“What if Toby comes back? I need to be here,” she wailed.
“Toby would not come back here if the Sheriff is looking for him. I promise you that I will help you find Toby when the baby is safe.”
If Toby is not gone for good by then.
Mary stopped struggling and began to wail as another contraction hit. As if with wings, Esther flew into the wagon and headed home.
Eliza, bless her, had covered the bed with blankets before taking Michael to the barn when Mary came crying into the house.
“I hate you! I hate you!” She struck out at Esther who now was either dodging the blows or taking them. “You’re taking me away from Toby.”
Esther replied with soothing words, her thoughts far from the half-mad screams of Mary. The baby would be large this overdue, and there would be tearing unless she could calm Mary and instruct her pushing.
“Mary, I need you to lie down, alright? I need to check you.”
Mary sobbed as Esther laid her on her back. The contractions were closer now—less than a minute apart. Mary must have labored alone for quite a while before Esther came. Hiking up Mary’s skirts, Esther kneeled on the bed, reaching in her fingers to feel the baby.
“The baby is almost here. We need to breathe through these contractions. You only have a few more till you will feel the need to push.”
Mary shook her head, “But I don’t want a baby. I w-want Toby.”
Beneath the Heavens Page 28
