by Jodi Taylor
His voice cracked. Despite everything he had done and would do, I felt so sorry for him. I knew a little of his suffering. I’d once lost Leon, and how well I remembered that blessed moment of non-remembrance every morning just before I opened my eyes. When, just for one second, Leon was still with me, before the full realisation of his loss would crash down upon me again, together with the knowledge I had to face another day alone.
How could I abandon anyone, even Clive Ronan to that pain? I’d had friends and a place in the world to help me through it. He had nothing and no one. I had it in my power to save him.
For a moment, I wavered. Looking back, I can’t believe I did that, but I wavered. I stared at the table, formulating plans, trying to think of ways through this. Long seconds ticked by as I struggled to find a way in which, somehow, in some way, everyone would get what they wanted.
I came that close to disaster.
In the end, however, I didn’t have to do anything. I didn’t have any decision to make. He blew it. All by himself. If only he’d waited another five seconds … That’s how close I came to disaster.
He mistook my silence for refusal and just as I lifted my head to speak, his eyes narrowed and he said bitterly, ‘I should have killed you when I had the chance.’
‘There’s a coincidence,’ I said cheerfully, hoping he couldn’t hear my heart pounding away. ‘I was just thinking the same thing.’
Almost as if he was talking to himself, he said, ‘So why didn’t you?’ and I realised I’d just made a big mistake.
I rummaged desperately for something to say but it didn’t matter because he already had the answer. He wasn’t a stupid man.
Slowly, working it out as he went along, he said, ‘That’s it. We meet again, don’t we? In my future and your past. So you can’t kill me, can you? Because if you kill me now then your past starts to unravel – which would be interesting, I’ll admit, and I’d like to be around to appreciate that, but the important thing is that you can’t kill me now, which means I can do as I please and there’s not a thing you can do about it. Is there?’
I remained calm. ‘I didn’t say you would be killed. I said I’d neutralise you, which isn’t quite the same thing at all, although I hear it’s considerably more painful. Shall we give it a go?’
He paused. For all he knew I had some super-duper weapon tucked away somewhere. I kept my expression pleasant and interested, hoping he couldn’t hear my thumping heart.
He leaned back in his chair. I heard the wood creak. ‘Well, what shall we do now? You might have some sort of weapon in that muff of yours – how very improper that sounds – but I have a weapon now, under this table and it’s pointed directly at you. Suppose I shoot you. In the ensuing panic, I seize Annie and we’re out of the door while everyone is concentrating on you.’
If he snatched Annie now, she would never go on the James VI assignment. She wouldn’t fall sick. So no need for him to shoot Edward Bairstow. Who could still go on to found St Mary’s. No paradox. I’d underestimated him. In just a few seconds, he’d worked out a near-perfect solution. Edward Bairstow would survive. I wouldn’t.
He saw my hesitation and switched back to Mr Reasonable again.
‘Look. I don’t want to kill you. I don’t want to kill anyone. I just want Annie. Let me take her and go. You don’t have to do anything. Pretend you never saw me. Just get up and leave. Visit the Ladies. By the time you come back, we’ll be gone.’
‘And Edward Bairstow? He’ll defend her, you know. Will you shoot him again? And Annie – do you think she’ll go willingly? Have you thought this through?’
‘Of course I have. Annie will go willingly enough to save Bairstow. Once I get her away to somewhere quiet and explain how the events of today have saved both her life and his, she’ll understand.’
I doubted it. Ronan was sitting behind them. He hadn’t seen their faces as they looked at each other …
For a moment, I felt sympathy again. The James VI assignment had gone wrong – which could happen to any of us. Fear and panic had led to him shooting Edward Bairstow and the whole situation had just escalated from there, hurtling headlong to a desperate confrontation in Hawking and Annie’s death.
He wouldn’t give up. ‘Think about it. I won’t have to shoot Bairstow. He’ll have two good legs for the rest of his life. There is no downside to this. I don’t want to shoot you. I don’t want to shoot anyone. Please. I just want to save Annie.’
There was no mistaking the passion in his voice. He was no longer leaning back in his chair, careless and in control. He leaned forward, his eyes bright with emotion. For a moment, I thought I saw tears. He spoke very quietly.
‘I’m alone. I’m so alone. Do you know what it’s like to be on the outside? Wherever I go, to whatever time I go, I’m always alone. Do you know how lonely Time can be? Do you know how many times I’ve visited towns, villages, settlements? I watch them. The people. Greeting one another, laughing, making plans, arguing, and living their lives. Everyone has a place. They may not like it or be happy with it, but everyone fits perfectly into the space and time allocated them. Except me. I don’t fit in anywhere.’
He pulled his hand out from under the table and rubbed the back of it angrily across his eyes.
‘And even if I did find somewhere, it would be of no use to me, because every waking minute of every day, I hear the rattle of gunfire that ended her life. I feel her go limp in my arms. See the reproach in her eyes. I couldn’t be with her at the end. I had to run. She was dying in her own blood on the floor in Hawking and I had to leave her. And that’s just when I’m awake. You don’t want to know about my dreams.’
I leaned forward and said quietly, ‘Clive …’ because he was beginning to raise his voice. A definite social no-no. And suppose Edward Bairstow or Annie Bessant just happened to glance around …
I wanted to calm things down a little. Choose a neutral subject. ‘Just as a matter of interest, why aren’t you with them on this assignment? Where are you at the moment?’
‘Off the active list. Broken elbow.’
‘Painful.’
‘Very.’
He leaned back in his seat, took a couple of deep breaths, and was, once again, in control of himself. Maybe I’d missed an opportunity to spray him but what could I do? Because his words had touched a nerve. I’d once had to jump wildly around the timeline, trying to escape the Time Police, desperately looking for somewhere to come to rest, just for a minute, to have time to stop and think … It hadn’t been a pleasant experience and I hadn’t even been alone, so God knows what it was like for him. All he wanted was someone to be with. And Dr Bairstow could still go on to found St Mary’s. Annie would live. And who, given the opportunity, wouldn’t seize the chance to change the events leading to a loved one’s death. Surely, Dr Bairstow would understand. Would it be a consolation for him to know that somewhere out there, Annie was still alive?
I shook myself. Who was I to play life and death with Annie’s future?
‘You’d be saving her life,’ argued that treacherous little voice that gives me such a hard time on a regular basis. ‘She might not be happy, but she’d still be alive.’
No. You can’t change History. The price is too high. I’m not bright, but that’s one thing I have learned.
It’s not changing History, argued the voice inside my head. It hasn’t happened yet. Annie dies in the future.
What could I do? Never mind that. What should I do? The answer to that was easy. I’m an historian and the rules are very clear. In a crisis, deal with the now. Sort out the future later. Save Annie now and let events take their course. I couldn’t let him get away with it. I couldn’t let him take Annie and even if I did, Edward Bairstow would pursue him to the end of time. There might not be violence now, but, ultimately, there would be and God knows how many others would die.
He was watching me very carefully. ‘I’m begging you. Let me save her life. Let me take her today. History ripples, and sud
denly, Annie doesn’t die.’
Slowly, so as not to alarm him, I reached up, tucked a wisp of hair back under my bonnet, and said, as calmly as I could, ‘No. Annie still dies. Whatever you do, Annie will always die. The only difference is how many people die with her. I’m sorry for you, Clive, but you have to face this. Annie dies and there’s no way to change that. You know very well that there’s no way Edward Bairstow will let you take Annie today. You’ll have to kill him. You say you won’t, but you know you will. He won’t let you take Annie. I won’t let you take Annie. None of my team will let you …’
He tried to interrupt, but I swept on. ‘If Edward Bairstow doesn’t go on to found St Mary’s then St Mary’s never exists. So you can’t jump back to change History. Paradox. And we both know what that means.’
He leaned suddenly across the table. The desperate, heartbroken man had disappeared and in his place was the Clive Ronan I knew. It took everything I had not to let him see me rear back in fright.
‘Stupid bitch! You really haven’t thought this through at all, have you? It doesn’t have to be Edward Bairstow who jumps back to found St Mary’s. It could be anyone.’ He smiled coldly. ‘It could even be me.’
I didn’t know what to say. I could really do with a few minutes just to stop and think this through. Could that happen? It seemed horribly probable. And if St Mary’s was founded under the auspices of Clive Ronan rather than Edward Bairstow …? The implications were enormous. I could imagine what a St Mary’s under Ronan would be like. What the hell should I do?
Save Edward Bairstow was the answer to that one. Whatever happened this afternoon, either to Annie or to me, whatever the result of this deadly little duel in these incongruous surroundings, Edward Bairstow must – must – survive.
But how? All I had was a small pepper spray concealed in my muff. By the time I pulled it out and sprayed, I’d be dead. I so desperately wanted to believe he didn’t have a gun under the table, that it was still in his pocket, but he never bluffed. He wasn’t the type. He didn’t gloat, either. If he wanted you dead then five seconds later, that’s what you were.
My death wasn’t actually important. What was important was what would happen after he fired. Like everyone else, Dr Bairstow would look around for the source of the shot. He would leap to his feet and turn round. The last thing he would see would be Clive Ronan putting a bullet between his eyes. There would be chaos, confusion, screaming women, panic. He’d be out of the door – with or without Annie. He’d get away and everything would change. Everything I’d ever known would be gone and there was nothing I could do about it.
We stared at each other in silence. I made one last effort. ‘Clive. Please. Listen to me. You don’t have to shoot anyone …’
He smiled without humour or affection. ‘I’m going to pull the trigger now. It will be a belly shot, I’m afraid. Messy and painful. Agonizing, even. You’ll be glad to die, believe me. But you’ll live long enough to see Edward Bairstow die too.’
I saw his arm shift fractionally. I tensed myself, unable to believe I was about to die … He had no gun …
A quiet voice said politely, ‘Knock-knock …’
I heard a familiar sound and Ronan went limp.
Mr Sands caught him and eased him gently back in his chair. Something clattered to the floor. Bloody hell, he had had a gun after all. I bent and picked it up, glanced around to make sure we were still unobserved, and tucked it in my muff. Now that it was over. I found myself beginning to shake.
‘Sorry to leave it so long,’ said Mr Sands, pulling up another chair and sitting down. ‘I was a little worried that stunning him would cause him to fire the gun involuntarily. I know Dr Bairstow would probably have got away, but it wouldn’t have done you any good and it would certainly have buggered my chances of passing this test with flying colours. Would you like some tea?
I nodded. Words were beyond me at that moment.
He poured me a cup from Ronan’s pot and I added most of the contents of the sugar bowl.
‘You stunned him?’
‘Yes. Oh God, shouldn’t I have?’
I strove for nonchalance. ‘No, no. Stunning is fine. But where is it?’
He looked shifty. ‘Where’s what?’
‘Your stun gun.’
He looked guiltily around and then held up his cane. ‘Professor Rapson said that since I couldn’t run quite as fast as everyone else – yet – I’d better have a little something to even the odds.’ He pulled the stick into two pieces and poking out of the end was the familiar stun gun electrical contact point.
I shrugged, determined not to be impressed.
He grinned. ‘OK, then how about this?’
The handle was shaped like a duck’s head. He did something to the beak and a shot of amber fluid tipped into my teacup. ‘For emergencies only, of course.’
Actually, in my life, pretty well every day is an emergency.
I chugged back a suddenly very enjoyable cup of tea.
‘What’s going on behind me?’
‘Dr Bairstow’s paying the bill. What shall I do?’
‘Let them go.’
‘What about Ronan?’
Good question. We both looked at Ronan who was sagging untidily in his seat. A stream of drool ran down his chin. We could lug him out through the crowds, explaining he was an uncle who’d had a funny turn, whatever, get him back to the pod and take him back for Dr Bairstow to deal with. Or, more likely, the Time Police. But what good would that do? He had to be at liberty to commit the crimes in his future. Our past. It makes my head ache, it really does.
‘The thing is, Max, he knows you now. He’s seen you in daylight. You can’t afford to let him go free. You’re the one who ruined his chance today. He’ll hate you for ever more.’
I already knew that was true. Today was the day I had made a powerful enemy. One day he would pay someone I considered a friend of mine to throw me off a cliff. He would try to shoot me in the Alexandrian desert. And who knew what else that hadn’t happened yet. How much easier just to shoot the bastard.
With regret, I shook my head. ‘Come on, let’s get out of here.’
‘We’re going to leave him? He’s going to get away with it?’
‘Well, we are sticking him with the bill.’
‘Fair enough.’
Safely out in the main boulevard, I called in the troops. I could see them making their way unobtrusively through the crowds.
‘Please don’t discuss this with anyone, Mr Sands. And your report is for my eyes only.’
‘Understood. Did I pass?’
‘Maybe,’ I said, striving to maintain at least the appearance of authority as his head of department.
Water off a duck’s back. ‘Great. Hey, knock-knock …’
‘Shut up.’
I took our reports to the Boss, personally.
He took them from me and grinned. He actually grinned. I didn’t know he could do that.
‘Well?’ he said. ‘Did you see us?’
‘We did, indeed, sir.’
‘You should have come over.’ His smile faded. ‘I would have liked to introduce you.’
‘We were busy, sir.’
I sat quietly and looked out of the window at the rain while he read first Mr Sand’s report, and then mine. Finally, he laid them both on his desk and looked at me.
‘I really am not sure what to say.’
I said, ‘No, sir,’ because that seemed a safe bet and left it at that.
‘I remember being in the Western Court. Miss Bessant and I.’
He paused for a moment and I made sure to shuffle some papers.
‘And Ronan just happened to be there as well?’
‘I don’t think that was coincidence, sir. I think he’d been following you. He would be familiar with your assignments, after all. I think he chose the Crystal Palace because he could escape easily in the crowds.’
‘And all this was going on behind us? We had no idea.’
/> No, they wouldn’t. They had been in their own little world.
‘No, sir,’ seemed a tactful response.
‘Well, that will be a lesson to me always to sit with my back to the wall in future,’ He smiled and suddenly, that young historian wasn’t so far away after all. ‘How did I look?’
I remembered his hand on hers. The eagerness of a man snatching at a few unexpected minutes with the only woman he would ever love.
‘Unfamiliar, sir.’
He smiled.
‘Sir, what are we going to do about him? About Ronan, I mean. He’s rampaging up and down the timeline, always causing trouble. He leaves a trail of dead bodies wherever he goes and we can’t touch him. We can’t do anything except foil whatever dastardly scheme he’s concocted this time and wait for our paths cross again.’
‘I shall pass on the coordinates to the Time Police, of course. There might be something they can do. Although I don’t know what …’
He sat silently for a while. I wondered if he was thinking through the implications of Ronan’s appearance. Or were his thoughts more personal? Eventually, he roused himself.
‘Am I to understand that Mr Sands performed adequately?’
‘He did, sir. He carried out my instructions to the letter but was able to act promptly on his own initiative when required. I think he’s aware of his own limitations. With your permission, I shall inform him he’s back on the active list, but that the responsibility for declining any assignment in which he might have trouble will rest solely with him. He’s a sensible lad, sir. He’ll tell me if he thinks he can’t hack it.’
‘He saved St Mary’s, Max. As far as I’m concerned, he has a job for life.’
‘Just wait until he starts telling you interminable knock-knock jokes, sir.’
I stood up.
‘Just one moment.’
‘Sir?’
He picked up his own cane and stared at it, twisting it in his hand.
