Backspace. Did she say … me?
I look at Venus and Aunt Rootie. They look like they could make a bathroom trip too.
“But-but-but-but…uh …”
“Yes, Zoey?”
“Well … the thing is …I mean … you know … do you know? … I’m only not even eleven. And I don’t even know anything about accessorization either. Unless you count duct tape. Oh, yes, sure, maybe I’m good at making woven backpacks, but that’s it. Okay, one wallet too. But that’s it! And let me tell you, I don’t look good in pink. At all. I’m a green person.”
I take off the fedora. “Look, look! I don’t know how to use a round brush except to paint watercolors, and Venus is way better at that than I am. I tried gel, and it was a fiasco-disasco. Ask Venus. She’ll tell you.”
Venus nods. “It wasn’t good.”
Jazz laughs. “But Zoey, you do know lots of other things. And that’s what’s interesting to us at U Grl. And to our readers. They’re interested in all sorts of different things.”
“Even the presidents of the United States?”
“Well, I don’t know if anyone is as interested in that particular subject as you are, but that’s fine.”
“It is?”
Jazz motions to a person with a bowling shirt that has “Bebe” embroidered on the pocket. She fans out big boards on the table.
“Here are some layout ideas for the spreads we want to feature in upcoming issues. Hoyt—you remember my assistant, don’t you?” Hoyt waves. “He remembered the books in your locker; and we had all the photos that Maya took during the photo shoot, so we got our inspiration from them.”
Jazz picks up one of the boards that has pictures of me all over it.
“We were thinking of taking a photo or two in front of President Theodore Roosevelt’s house.”
“He was the only president to be born in New York City,” I blurt. (Can’t help it. I’m a natural blurter.) “I’m pretty sure the house is on Twentieth Street.”
All the magazine people laugh.
(I really am missing the humor here.)
“You’re right,” says Jazz.
Hoyt points back to the boards. “And we’re planning locations in places like perhaps the Guggenheim, the Met, the planetarium, the American Museum of Natural History …the Staten Island Ferry. …”
I look at Jazz. “I think I still don’t get it.”
“Zoey, we believe you are the perfect person to write a diary or column for the magazine representing our readers with your thoughts. Things you like to do. Places you visit.”
“Maybe even do a blog,” says EEP. “A blog on our website would be very cool indeed.”
Indeed? (“Indeed” is like one of my most dollar-word choices.)
Are my ears buzzing now too or is that Hoyt’s phone?
“How does all of this sound, Zoey?”
“Writing for your magazine? Me? Sounds yes, you know … indeed … what you said. But are you really sure you want me? Because, really Jazz … I’mnotthatcoolI’mnotevenalittlecoolI’m souncoolIneedafairygodmothertomakemecoolbe foresixthgradereallytrulymyarrowiswaydownon TheBashleycoolabilitymeterVenusandIneversitat TheTableBashley. Wesitat … Table Ten.”
Jazz looks at me, then at Venus.
“The who? The what? When? Where?”
I take a deep breath.
“Everybody at my school thinks Zoey Zinevich is …well… a sort of …
geek.”
“Geek chic!” shouts Aunt Rootie.
Did she really just say that? Geek Chic? My own aunt is so not helping this situation.
“Geek chic? LOVE IT!” cries EEP, while Jazz’s people rush to find a pencil to write it down.
Can this get any worse?
Geek chic?
Something has gotten all mixed up here.
This is not the happening I exactly wanted to happen.
Jazz smiles. “So, Zoey? Ready to be U Gel’s very own … ‘geekanista’?”
Okay—
(… wait-Wait-Wait!
Lightbulb Momento!
I know what this is.
This is one of those weird “other dimension” things
that Simon Malachek always talks about.
It’s when everything gets all weird and backward and sideways,
and nothing makes any sense. But then
you wake up or pinch yourself or whatever,
and everything is the way it’s supposed to be.
Yes. Uh-huh. Absolutely.
A weird other dimension.
That’s what this is.)
Ouch!
Or not.
It’s still Fedora and Bowling Shirt Central.
Stomach is still grumbling.
Probably have a black-and-blue mark.
And Jazz is not a fairy godmother.
“Jazz? Can I ask you one question?”
“Of course.”
“Does this mean you’re not really going to give me an incredible, cool makeover? Ever?”
Jazz puts her arm around me.
“A makeover? Now why would Zoey Zinevich ever want one of those?”
Fifteen
Three days later…
So this is what I’m thinking … being almost eleven is still very complicated.
Especially when you don’t have a fairy godmother.
But sometimes …
stuff isn’t so hard to figure out on your own after all.
All-New Episodes of
The Lunchroom Life of Zoey Zinevich
ACT 1: Scene 1
11:28 a.m.
The Hot-Lunch Lunch Line
Venus and Zoey are once again last in the Hot-Lunch Lunch Line. They have stayed after library class to help Mrs. Temlock-Fields in the Media Center. She is still teaching them Italian. Today they learn “magnifico,” which means “magnificent,” “superb,” and “fantastic.” Zoey and Venus also decide to translate it as “most excellent.”
The girls inch along the HotLunch Lunch Line after passing the slumgullion plop of the Super Salerno and the OFFICIAL CHECK of Mrs. Petrovic, and then they find themselves standing behind …
The Bashleys.
ASHLEY AND BRITTANY:
Venus! Zoey! Zoey! Venus!
ASHLEY:
Is it true what we’ve been hearing?
BRITTANY:
Yes, is it really true? Everyone has been talking, even Mrs. Temlock-Fields, and she only usually just whispers.
ASHLEY:
Zoey, are you really really going to have your own column—and blog—
BRITTANY:
—in U GrL magazine? Like having your picture in it, and everything and so on and so on and so on?
ZOEY:
Maybe. I guess. They asked me. Not sure. But, probably… uh, yes.
BRITTANY:
Very VERY cool! Very very.
VENUS:
It’s magnifico, is what it is.
ASHLEY:
Absolutely! Magni … what Venus just said. Magni … you know.
BRITTANY:
We want to know everything about the whole day from both of you.
ASHLEY:
EVERYTHING as in ALL. You have to tell us what you did. What you said.
BRITTANY:
So come sit with us!
ASHLEY:
Yes, sit at our table!
An incredible happening has just incredibly happened. Zoey and Venus have just been asked by The Bashleys to sit at The Table Bashley.
Venus looks at Zoey.
Zoey looks at Venus.
And only the you-know-who get to sit there.
Zoey sees Alex Shemtob inhaling and Walter Colson polka-dotting. It’s an easy multiple-choice. ‖ Zoey smiles and turns to The Bashleys.
ZOEY:
Thanks for asking, Ashley. You too, Brittany. But, actually, Venus and I sit at …
Table Ten.
ZOEY:
If you want … you can join us.
Venu
s and Zoey and their trays filled with plates of slumgullion and a jellied Medley of the Unknown Green Vegetables walk past The Table Bashley to Table Ten.
They sit between Simon Malachek and Walter Colson’s spiky hair, and right across from Alex Shemtob.
The girls are not wearing their art smocks.
They do not care.
The End
Just so you know, this is not like the last chapter of my whole entire life. After all, I am only almost eleven.
(But I’m thinking — it’s pretty magnifico.) z.z
Oh — remember that Toe Story I was supposed to tell you?
It really isn’t that important.
Chie ZoCabuLary
arrivederci: Italian for “till we meet again,” “good-bye” pronunciation: ar-E-vA-der-chE syn: adios, au revoir, sayonara
avalanche: n. a mass of stuff waiting to happen in my locker
backstory: n. fill in the blank spill; info that you don’t know, but should know
b-friend: n. best friend
Bashleys, The: n. combination name for Brittany & Ashley (as in, Zoey + Venus = Zenus)
bene: n. or adj. Italian for magnifico, (bella, buono) good
boing: adj. wow on the coolability meter < duct tape is boing >
bucatini: n. fat spaghetti
cannoli: n. an Italian crispy pastry filled with creamy stuff < Mrs. Temlock-Fields’s favorite dessert > pronunciation: Ka-nO-Lee
carbon footprint: n. a measure of the effect human activity has on the environment, calculated in units of carbon dioxide; your ‘personal planet polluting profile’ (aka E-4P)
celebritini: n. Venus-Zoey speak for famous person
coolability: n. extreme cool < the coolability meter went boing >
curiouser: adj. odd; strange Google: Alice in W-land
dewey decimal: n. duh. (Have you never used the library!)
digital: v. to take a brain picture (see Chapter Three)
disasco: n. see fiasco
dollar word choice: adj. see primo
EC: adj. environmentally correct < do the right thing and be EC >
factoid: n. bite of info
fairy dust intervention: n. Big Time Help from a Fairygodmother
fedora: n. spiffy hat
fiasco: n. a disaster < using hair gel can result in a fiasco-disasco >
global warming: n. earth fever < as the Captain of the Titanic should have said, “Pay attention to those icebergs!” >
hybrid hummer: n. according to Venus, an “eco-cool set of wheels”
intermezzo: n. Italian for a “short break”
lactose intolerant: n. or adj. inability to digest milk products (You really don’t want me to use this in a sentence.)
larvae: n. plural of larva wormlike stage of insect life process (icky, yet interesting)
Lightbulb Momento: n. aha!
M-W: n. Merriam-Webster
magnifico: adj. Italian for “even better bene,” “most excellent ever”
massive: adj. huge, big
mathlete: n. a person who is most excellent in mathematics
geek chic:
gEk shEk
unique, unusual, individual style and flair (hair not included)
Millard: n. (1) my stuffed bunny; (2) first name of the thirteenth president, who was a Whig, but didn’t wear one
molto: adj. Italian for “very” < bullfrog catching is molto exciting >
owl pellets: n. the end products of an owl’s digestive process
peruse: v. read with interest < I peruse my dictionary >
power walk: v. slow running
primo: adj. the best
retro: n. or adj. old school new cool
Samuel Morse-ing: adj. getting help; from the inventor, Samuel Morse (Google-worthy)
serious double digits n. old (like maybe thirteen or something)
slumgullion: n. still a mystery
snickerfest: n. big ha-ha
snoozerama: n. BORING
unequivocally: adv. for sure!
vintage: n. or adj. retro chic with a side dish of extra coolness
wedgie: adj. stuck BIG TIME
wicked: adj. cool; fierce; “the ultima-ta-ta” < as in: wicked green stickies >
About the Author
Margie Palatini is the author of more than two dozen outrageously funny and award-winning books for children, including MOO WHO?, illustrated by Keith Graves; THE PERFECT PET, illustrated by Bruce Whatley; the Bad Boys series, illustrated by Henry Cole; THE CHEESE, illustrated by Steve Johnson and Lou Fancher; and NO BITING, LOUISE, illustrated by Matthew Reinhart.
Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins author.
Copyright
Geek Chic: The Zoey Zone
Copyright © 2008 by Margie Palatini
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
EPub Edition © AUGUST 2010 ISBN: 978-0-061-88831-1
www.harpercollinschildrens.com
Library of Congress catalog card number: 2008904410
ISBN 978-0-06-113898-0 (trade bdg.)
ISBN 978-0-06-113899-7 (lib. bdg.)
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