by Staci Hart
“I just wanted to be with her.”
“Bullshit. She didn’t leave town because you care about her.”
The look I gave him must have gotten to him because he shifted, looking uncertain.
“Then why?”
I shook my head, not knowing where to even start. “Jimmy.” I ran a hand over my mouth. “He sent her that fucking box and knocked her out of orbit. She asked me for time to sort through it, but she came here yesterday and needed me, then turned around and treated me like a mistake. I couldn’t fucking do it anymore, West. I couldn’t go on having her one minute and losing her the next. This isn’t some one night stand. This isn’t a fling. I love her.”
He eyed me. “Do you mean that?”
I didn’t answer, just met his eyes and breathed.
“How the fuck is this possible?” West rubbed his forehead. “How the fuck are you telling me right now that you’re actually in love with my sister? When did this happen?”
“It’s been happening for weeks. Since before that, even.”
His eyes narrowed. “Since when?”
I took a deep breath and told him. “Since her wedding night.”
His fists clenched by his side, ears red and lips tight. “You fucking took advantage of her on her wedding night?”
I put out a hand. “Calm the fuck down, West. Are you listening to anything I’ve said? Anything? I wouldn’t take advantage of her. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt her because her happiness is more important than my own. I’ve never felt like this … you know I don’t … I can’t …” I couldn’t even bring myself to say the words, so I took a breath. “Maggie is a singular event in my life. I want her. Forever.”
He shook his head. “I can’t fucking understand this. Does she feel the same way?”
“She said she did. We were going to tell you together when we came back from the Hamptons—”
He groaned. “Of course she was with you.”
I glared at him. “Is this really the worst thing that could happen? I didn’t fuck her and bail — I didn’t break her. I’m trying to help put her back together, for chrissake. I love her. I want to help her. What the fuck is the problem here?”
West was quiet for a moment, still angry, but he’d heard me that time. I took the opening.
“You know I’d never do anything to hurt you. I’d never do anything to jeopardize our friendship. Ever. I wouldn’t risk it unless I had no other choice. And I don’t have a choice, not when it comes to Maggie.”
He watched me.
I watched him back. “Do you believe me?”
His fist clenched again. “Yes.”
“Can you stop eyeing me like you want to hit me?”
He took a heavy breath and rubbed his face as if he would wipe the look away. “I need a drink.”
“That I can do.” I got up and poured us each a scotch.
West took his and sipped it. If it hadn’t been a three-hundred-dollar bottle, he probably would have slammed it.
I took a sip of mine and leaned on the counter. “Is she okay?”
He sighed and took a seat at the bar, looking tired. “It’s hard to say. She wasn’t busted up or crying or anything, which somehow makes me worry about her even more. I don’t know. We didn’t talk for long, and she wouldn’t talk about you at all, past apologizing for keeping it from me and asking Lily to get in the middle of it.”
“So you found out about Lily, huh?”
“Yeah, I didn’t handle that well either.” He took a drink and sat down. “I snapped at her and blew out of there. I was just so fucking pissed and shocked and … I don’t know. I hate that she kept that from me, but I get it. Y’all had me pegged right.”
“We didn’t want to tell you until we were sure we wanted to be together. I can’t say it was innocent from the start, because deep down, that first night, I knew. I just knew it was more than that. She needed me, and I saved her the only way I knew how.”
He nodded at his drink with a sigh. “I’m sorry I punched you.”
“I’m sorry I fucked your sister.”
He glared at me.
I smirked. “Too soon?”
West snorted and brought the glass to his lips. “It’ll probably always be too soon for that.” He knocked it back.
“So what now?”
He sighed. “I don’t know. I think we’ve gotta leave her be. Let her figure it out on her own. Be there if she needs us.”
I took a drink, hating the plan and knowing he was right. “I’ve got to at least apologize.”
“What for?”
“Chasing her. Pushing her. Trying to force her hand.”
He shook his head. “You can try to call her, but I don’t know if she’ll talk to you.”
“I don’t either, but I have to try.”
“Maybe sober up first. Don’t waste your only bullet because you’d been drinking scotch for …” he sniffed, “eighteen hours.”
I chuckled. “Probably wise.” My smile fell. “Do you think she’ll come back?”
He shook his head and sighed. “I don’t know, man. I hope so. I really do.”
21
CHANCES
Maggie
I TURNED THE PAGE OF Stardust the next day as I sat stretched out on my window seat. Our cocker spaniel Betty lay in my lap, breathing deeply as she slept.
Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I'd know it for myself. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine.
I looked out my window at the red maple that was taller than the house, watching the helicopter seeds spin to the ground.
Just one heart in exchange for another. It seemed so simple, honest and easy. But it had to be equal. And whenever, however could you know that the person you gave yours to would care for it as they would their own?
I let out a breath, and my phone rang next to me. Betty’s head snapped up, her eyes still sleepy, and she looked around for only a second before dropping her head back in my lap with a huff.
My fingers went numb when I saw it was Cooper. I blinked at the screen for a moment, not knowing what to do. Knowing I was almost out of time to decide as it rang again. I took a breath and answered.
“Hey,” I said softly.
He was silent for a few seconds. “Are you all right?”
The sound of his voice nearly broke me. I closed my eyes and laid my head against the wall. “Not really.”
“I’m sorry, Maggie. For everything.”
“Me too.”
“I shouldn’t have followed you.”
“No, you shouldn’t have.”
“I just couldn’t let you go. I couldn’t let it end there.”
“I know.” I had no other words.
Silence stretched between us, and I could feel his questions. “There’s so much I want to say, and I feel like I shouldn’t say any of it.”
I looked out the window, wiped an errant tear from my cheek. “I can’t do this right now.”
“It doesn’t have to be complicated, Maggie. Just tell me that you believe me. Tell me that you want me.”
I do. “I can’t.” I pursed my lips to stop my chin from trembling. “I can’t say the words you want to hear, no matter how much I want to. I spoke too soon once, and it hurt us both.”
Silence.
“I’m broken, and I don’t want to hurt you again. The only answer I have right now is time.” Tears burned my eyes.
He drew a heavy breath. “Are you coming back?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, let me know when you figure it out, okay?”
The seeds spun to the ground like tiny ballerinas. “I will.”
The pause was long, heavy with things left unsaid. “I meant what I said about be
ing here.”
“I know.”
When he spoke again after a moment, his voice was tight. “See you around, Mags.”
“Goodbye, Cooper.”
I set the phone down, swiping at the tears on my cheeks, wishing things were different. But I was where I was because of the choices I’d made. It was my own fault.
Betty looked up at me.
I cupped her muzzle. “How about a walk, Betty-girl?”
Her ears perked up, nub wagging.
“Yeah, I could use the fresh air too.”
I slipped on a pair of flip flops, trotted down the stairs with Betty on my heels, and grabbed her leash from the hook in the entryway, trying to push everything away, leave it up in my room. As if I could turn my problems into a place. An object. Something tangible that I could bury or smash or drop into the ocean to disappear forever.
But that wasn’t how it worked. I just didn’t understand how it did work.
I clipped on Betty’s leash, and we took off, heading for adventure in the form of rogue squirrels and interesting smelling grass. Something about being outside made me feel a hundred times better — the sky, the trees, the air — even though it was already unbearably humid. My hair was so out of control, I looked like I was part sheep, and I started sweating the second I stepped through the door. But with me and Betty out walking through the neighborhood like independent women, I felt more like myself.
We rounded a corner, and I nearly ran into Courtney Dixon. She looked borderline ridiculous walking her dog in full-on workout gear, one of those fancy, expensive brands that suburban women wore to Whole Foods and Starbucks even though they probably didn’t even sweat in them. I knew her workout included exactly this — walking her dog through the neighborhood, trolling for boys, using her own ass as bait. She’d been doing it since we were thirteen. Her dark hair was pulled back in a tight ponytail, and her Rottweiler, Tank, had gotten himself all tangled up with Betty.
But neither one of us cared that our dogs looked like a jumbled-up knot of fur and leash. Because one of the last times we’d seen each other, she was in the middle of getting nailed by my fiancé.
Reasons why I hate living in my home town, number two. Number one starts with J and ends with bastard.
Her cheeks flushed. “Maggie? What are you doin’ here? I thought you were in New York?”
Surprisingly, I found my voice, and I didn’t sound like a mouse. “Came back to see Mom and Dad.”
“How are they doin’?” She flipped her ponytail and smiled, trying to look casual. She was nervous as hell. The thought gave me comfort.
I smiled, going for polite, which was hopefully the fastest way out of the conversation. “Oh, they’re great.”
She avoided my eyes, turning to her dog. “Come here, Tank.”
She bent, trying to unwind his leash from around Betty, who stood under Tank’s legs, panting. Betty flopped down on the ground on top of Tank’s leash, and I’m pretty sure she smiled at me.
Courtney glanced up at me. “A little help, Mags?”
I knelt down, smiling. “C’mere, Betty.” She hauled herself up and relocated at my feet. I unwound the leash and looked up to find Courtney watching me, worrying over her bottom lip.
“I’m sorry I haven’t called.”
I stood up a little straighter. “Don’t be. I wouldn’t have answered if you had.”
She wound the leash around her hand, watching her fingers. “I’m sorry for what we did, and all.”
That numb feeling crawled through me like it always did. “I can’t tell you it’s all right.”
“I know. It’s just that … I … I’ve missed you. It’s been hard without you here, without you in my life.”
My brow furrowed, eyes narrowed. “Are you serious?”
She looked like she’d been slapped. “Of course I’m serious. We’ve been best friends since we were in diapers.”
“Yeah, until you fucked my fiancé. On my wedding day. You made that choice, so I’m real sorry that you miss me and all, but maybe you should have thought about that.” I shook my head at her. “I can’t even believe you right now, Court.”
Her brow dropped, cheeks red. “Jimmy’s a whore, and he always has been. He would have fucked anybody — it wasn’t just me. He slept with half of Madison County, for God’s sake.”
My chest was on fire. “Is that supposed to make me feel better?”
She hung a hand on her hip, shaking her head. “I’m just saying, Maggie. It wasn’t personal.”
I could barely breathe. “Not personal? What universe do you live in? That is absolutely the most personal it could have gotten. I saw your backstabbing vagina on my wedding day, and it was full of dick. My fiancé’s dick.” I took a few steps away. “All that just goes to show that you were never my friend. And if you hadn’t been fucking him at our wedding, it would have been a year from now, five years from now. I’d rather know that you were a traitor now than later. I mean, how long’s it been going on? Were you giving him blow jobs behind the bleachers in high school? On the stacks in college?”
The look on her face kicked me in mine. It was true. But I just shook my head at her. She couldn’t hurt me anymore, because she wasn’t real. From her hair color to her lip gloss and fancy yoga pants. From the look on her face to her dirty heart. I’d always tried to see the good in her, just like I did Jimmy. Just like I did everyone, until they hurt me and I ran away. They’d made a fool out of me, took advantage of my willingness to trust them. I believed they were better than that. But I was wrong.
I shook my head and let out a breath as I backed away. “You were never my friend, and deep down, I knew it all along. You’ve always known exactly how to make someone feel like a fool. I just didn’t expect you’d do it to me. But you know what? It makes perfect sense. You two deserve each other.”
Her lip curled. “Ugh, bitch.”
I turned and walked away with my heart pounding, feeling a few inches taller and a little more together, wondering if my problems weren’t more tangible than I’d realized.
Cooper
Three days. Three days since I’d heard her voice. Three days of deafening silence.
I’d woken up from a dream yesterday, heart clanging, sweat beaded on my forehead, missing her. Wanting her. All I wanted was to lie in my bed in the dark indefinitely. But I didn’t. I peeled myself out of bed and took a freezing cold shower. Walked through the park to try to find some peace, hoping the sunshine would burn away the thoughts of her.
It didn’t work.
I came home and sat in my living room, watching the city through my windows as the sun set and the city lights blazed, with nothing but a bottle of scotch and memories of her to keep me company. It was the same place I found myself now, the next day, watching the grey clouds roll by, the rain that intermittently fell through the day, streaking my windows, blurring the city beyond.
My phone buzzed on the table next to me again, and I scooped it up, the hope flashing through me as it did every time my screen lit up. But it was just West again.
You can’t stay home forever. Let’s hit the court.
I messaged him back. It’s raining.
When has that ever stopped us?
Right now.
Come on, man.
I set my phone down again.
Time. Space. Distance. Things that she needed. Things I had to give her. Because the only way to fight for her was to not fight at all. I had to let her go and hope to God she came back to me.
But letting her go was killing me.
I thought about her back home, wondered if Jimmy had tried to see her. He’d already reached out to her and said he wanted her back. I thought of him coming to her, telling her he was sorry, pictured her in his arms. Emotion rolled through me like a storm, lightning and rain, a gust of wind. And then it would burn down again, and I’d stare south at Midtown, my eyes on the skyline, though they didn’t see a single thing.
It went so much deeper than j
ust Maggie. I’d been hiding almost my whole life, hiding pieces of myself from everyone. But I hid nothing from Maggie — it was her superpower. She saw straight through me. And when I lost her, I lost the direction she’d given me, the feeling that I belonged. She was my compass. True North. Without her, the needle spun around and around, searching for that stopping point.
But she was gone.
Someone knocked on my door, and I looked over my shoulder, confused as I stood and walked over. When I opened it, I found West and Patrick in workout clothes with duffle bags slung across their chests. West pressed a basketball into my chest.
“Come on. We’re playing.”
I shook my head and pushed it back at him. “How many times do I have to say no?”
He brushed past me and into the apartment with a smile. “Apparently more than you already did. Get dressed.”
Patrick smirked. “You should probably just do what he says.”
I scowled and turned to find West spinning the basketball on his finger. “What the fuck, man. I said I don’t feel like it. What do you want from me?” I closed the door.
“I want you to quit sitting around here licking your wounds. It’s not doin’ you any good.”
“And you think me playing basketball will make everything better?”
“No, but at least you’ll have a reason to shower.”
I shook my head.
“Come on.” He smiled. “It’ll just be for a little while and then you can come back here and get back to puppy dogging.”
Anger flashed through me. “This isn’t a fucking joke. It’s not a crush, West. You know that.”
He met my eyes, smile falling. “I know. But there’s nothing you can do about it right now, is there?”
“No. Not one fucking thing.” My throat closed up, and I swallowed hard.
“Then what’s the harm in coming to the courts with us and not thinking about it for a few hours?”
“What if I don’t want to forget about it?”
He propped the ball on his hip. “You want to wallow. I get it. Just come on for a little while, and then I swear I’ll leave you alone.”
My jaw flexed. “Swear?”
