I closed my eyes. But I didn’t feel alone; I felt like a person with her eyes closed. “How exactly am I supposed to do that? Should I lie down?”
“It’s a lot harder to flicker lying down because so much of you is touching the ground. Basically, your body would try to take the whole plateau with you. I flicker before I lie down to go to sleep.”
“So you don’t have to concentrate to stay invisible?” I asked.
“Not really,” he said. “At first you will, but it becomes second nature, like breathing. So yes, you can go to sleep invisible. But you could be shocked out of it, like if you’d kicked me instead of just touching my back to wake me up. So it’s not that safe to sleep. That’s why I needed a place to stay where no one would stumble over me.”
“Okay,” I said. I stood there with my eyes closed, trying to concentrate on myself. But what did that even mean? I felt the same as always.
“Flickering happens as your blood flows through your body,” said Nolan. “It looks like it happens all at once, but if you could slow it down like on a photobox player, you’d see that it spreads out from the heart. You tell your heart to start pumping blood with the right structure.”
“Heart, start pumping invisible blood,” I said.
Nolan laughed. “Right. Except, quietly.”
Invisible blood, I thought. But I knew that wasn’t what Nolan meant. I was supposed to just feel it. To Flickerkin who grew up in the Eye, it was probably like walking. How would you learn to walk at sixteen? It would be terribly difficult and awkward.
“Maybe I can help,” said Nolan. “I’m sorry, this is the first time I’ve tried to teach anyone. My parents taught me before I can remember.” He took my hand and I jumped. “Sorry,” he said.
“It’s okay.” His hand was much bigger than mine, and rough. Much rougher than Caster’s. “I’m going to flicker. One, two . . . three.”
I opened my eyes and found that I was as solid as ever. Nolan, however, was invisible. He was still holding my hand, though.
“Whatever you were doing just now, I couldn’t feel it.”
He popped back into view, grinning. “Maybe holding hands wasn’t enough.”
I pulled my hand away.
He laughed. “I’m just saying. Maybe it will help if, you know, more of our skin is touching.”
“Really,” I said. But my throat caught. I was glad it was dark, because I could feel my cheeks flushing. I hadn’t even touched much of my skin to Caster’s yet.
“I found a bucket of water for myself,” he said. “So I promise I won’t stink too much.”
I had noticed earlier. But I wasn’t going to say so. “Do you really think it will help?” I asked instead.
“Yes,” he said, wiping the grin off his face. “It really might. One time when I was a kid, the guardsmen came through the city with the cuffs—they were testing anyone who looked Leftie. My mother saw them coming and pulled me around a corner into an alley. It was a lot like what had happened to us earlier tonight. Anyway, she flickered, but I was really scared, and I couldn’t do it. I just froze. So she wrapped her arms around me, pulled me under her blouse, and I flickered just in time. We would’ve been deported if they’d tested us, or worse.”
“Didn’t they come to your parents’ shop?” I asked.
“You know how we prepare,” he said. “Why do you think I have a triggering rod? But my parents had wanted to spare me. After that, I prepared.”
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“Must have been nice to have a father on the Council,” he said. “If you sit at their table, they keep you on as pale pets.”
I wanted to slap him. Instead, I turned my back. Should I walk off in dramatic fashion? Or was he right?
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I know it’s not your fault you’re rich. I wish my parents could have protected me from all this. I’d take it.”
“But mine didn’t protect me in the end,” I said. “They should have taught me how to protect myself.”
“We all should have gone back to the Eye. You can live in peace as long as you stay where you belong. Can’t work in the prezine mines, though. Too sensitive for potential spies.”
I knew nothing about the Eye except for the misty weather and a few words of the language. Nor had I ever cared to learn much more. I knew too little about everything to do with my Leftie half and now felt as ignorant as a baby. If a little inappropriate contact would help me, I would deal with it. “Fine. But I won’t be pulling you under my blouse.”
He laughed. “Fair enough.” He came around in front of me and held up his hands.
I took both his hands. Our fingers wrapped around each other’s naturally, as if we had done this a thousand times. He stepped closer, and our arms folded together. Our chests touched. His face was only six inches above mine. It would be so different with Caster, who was so far above me that we had to strain to reach each other. I tried to push the thought away. Focus, Myra. Your life is at stake.
“From the heart out, Myra,” he whispered.
I closed my eyes and felt my heart beat. It was beating fast now. Nolan pressed closer to me, or I pressed closer to him; I wasn’t sure which, and I could feel his heart beating. It seemed as if our hearts were beating together.
Our hands gripped tightly, and electricity sizzled through me. It wasn’t like being poked with the triggering stick or shocked by the cuffs. It was pinpricks of energy spreading outward from my heart. I didn’t open my eyes, and yet I knew.
“You’ve done it, Myra,” Nolan whispered.
“Have I?” I asked. “Or was it you?”
“I can’t take a whole human,” he said. “But if you need to prove it, step away.”
Slowly, I unwrapped my hands from his. I felt one last beat of his heart, and then I took a step back. I opened my eyes, expecting to see no one. But there, floating in front of me, was a shimmer in the air in the shape of a boy. He was see-through and featureless, but he was there.
I giggled. The pinpricks were still flowing through me from fingers to toes. “From fingers to toes from head to nose,” I chanted, words from a children’s rhyme. “I can see you. You’re like a ghost! Am I?” I looked down at my own hands and found that they too shimmered.
“You didn’t know?” He laughed.
“When you stuck me, I saw . . .” I held my hand up. I thought I had seen nothing. But I wasn’t sure anymore.
“There’s a whole world you haven’t seen.”
“A whole world? Hole in the world! There’s a hole!” I made a little hole with my fist. “It’s so funny.” I looked up at Nolan, unable to stop laughing. “Why is it so funny?”
“There’s a lot of new energy inside you,” he said. “Maybe you should sit down.”
I sat down on the grass. “I’m a ghost! My mother is a ghost. Your parents are ghosts. How many ghosts are there?”
Nolan sat down beside me. “More than the Plats know about,” he said.
I was still laughing. But it wasn’t funny. There was a whole world out there. A whole life. I didn’t know if I liked this feeling.
“Most people don’t act drunk when they flicker,” said Nolan, though his serious tone broke in the middle of the sentence and he laughed. “You must get used to it, and you’ll be fine.”
A light went on across the arena, back toward the gate we had come through.
I jumped—a shock flowed through me—and I became visible. I could see my solid legs and hands, and I tried to stand, but my head swam. I stumbled and fell into Nolan, whom I could no longer see.
“Whoa,” he whispered. “You’re all right.”
“The light,” I said.
He wrapped both arms around me and pressed my face onto his neck. “Concentrate.”
Pinpricks rushed through me. I pressed my face against him. Across the arena, the gate opened, and someone rode out on a beast, his face lost in shadow.
Another rider followed him, shouting “Caster!”
> The rider in front—Caster—did not stop. He was nearly upon us, heading straight for where we sat.
“Don’t ride away from me!” the Deputy shouted.
Nolan lifted me, his arms still wrapped around me, braced to run, but Caster pulled Monster up short, letting his father catch them.
We stood there, unable to sit down in case they started moving but unable to run in case they heard our footsteps. Nolan held me so tightly that I could hardly breathe, yet I was afraid that if he loosened his grip, I would flicker back into view, so I held on. I almost gasped, seeing the Deputy. If he were to see me . . .
“Hang on,” Nolan whispered.
“All right, Father, I’ve stopped,” said Caster. “But why? So you can give me one more lecture? Myra has run off because you insulted her royally. And also threw her parents in jail, can we forget? By the Waters, why would she stay sweetly in bed?”
“Son, you must understand. I am trying to keep that girl safe.”
“Are her parents really such a threat? You can’t honestly believe Rhondalynn Hailfast is a spy—that she wishes to open our gates to invisible invaders.”
“You must learn your history, son,” the Deputy said. “This is not a witch hunt or a prezine grab. When the Flicker Men were here, they plotted against the Plateau People and helped the Eye rebel against the government. Their half-blood kin living today continue the cause. There is no reason to believe that Rhondalynn is not a spy. Why else would she come to New Heart City and conceal herself?”
I stiffened, and Nolan’s strong arms tightened.
“Perhaps she loved Myra’s father,” Caster said. “Perhaps she was poor in the Eye and wanted to have a grand life in the city. What has she actually done to cast suspicion except be a Leftie? What have the clothmakers done?”
“There is much you don’t know,” said the Deputy. “There are more Flickerkin here than those we’ve caught.”
“Really? Where’s the evidence of this, Father?”
“I am trying to avoid increasing the panic, Caster,” said the Deputy. “I can’t go telling all of the state’s secrets to a boy. But know this. It is not only Flickerkin who are a danger. Ordinary Lefties nurse old grudges, and some would be happy to bring the Flicker Men back across the oceans.” He put the heel of his hand to his forehead, the gesture meaning may the Waters forgive me. He had spoken of riding on the Waters. “Can’t you see my point after what they did today?”
“They killed Orphos because of what you have done!” Caster shouted. “You have persecuted them. Tortured them. You tortured Myra. You prevented her from riding. There was no reason for it even if you’re telling the truth—invisibility wouldn’t help anyone win. You acted because of hate, and now they hate us.”
“We were trying to keep Lefties out of the arena,” said the Deputy. “Because we suspected there was a plot.”
“And you had to include Myra?” Caster asked. “She’s only half, and she’s Myra.”
“Can you listen to yourself for one minute?” the Deputy shouted. “I’ve told you there is a threat, that they are out there trying to kill us—they came close to killing you today—and all you can think about is that Flickerbitch’s daughter?”
“Go take a dip, Father,” Caster said, and he nudged his beast. He rode straight toward us, and Nolan pulled me out of the way just in time. We landed on the ground, Nolan half on top of me. Monster’s hooves pounded on the turf, muffling the sound of our fall, I hoped.
The Deputy pulled his beast around with a jerk—he was riding with a rein, a cruel and amateur practice—and rode back toward the gate.
Slowly, Nolan and I sat up. He kept his arms around me, and I didn’t want to pull away, not until the Deputy was long gone. I tried to process what he and Caster had said. They knew I had snuck away. Caster had defended me. The Deputy claimed there were more Flickerkin. He had called my mother a hateful name even as he searched for me, claiming to want to keep me safe. Caster believed the killer was a Flickerkin, like me. But he had fought with his father—the most dangerous man in the Upland—for me, and not for the first time tonight.
“So Caster Ripkin is your boyfriend,” said Nolan.
“That’s what you took from that conversation?” I asked.
“Well, isn’t he?”
“Yes,” I said.
Nolan gently pushed me away, and we both stumbled to our feet. I flickered into view without meaning to, and I was suddenly cold.
“I never knew he was different from his father,” he said.
“Yes. He’s very different.”
Nolan became visible as well, and we stood facing each other, just two regular people now. “And you’re living with the Deputy? They were looking for you? After allowing you to just walk out the door?”
“They took my father,” I said. “I’m like you now. Except the Deputy to the Waters himself has decided that I’m his responsibility.”
“He wishes to keep an eye on you, so you can lead him to other Flickerkin,” Nolan said.
“No . . .” But why not? He hadn’t taken me in out of kindness. The possibility that he hoped I’d lead him to my mother’s supposed friends was very real. If I had slipped up, if anyone had seen me go . . . “I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t think.”
Nolan flickered out. “We can’t let that stop us,” he said.
“I’m sorry,” I said again.
“It’s all right,” he said. His voice was a little cold, but not angry. I wished I could see his face, look into his eyes and apologize again. My stupidity could have killed him.
“Come see me when you can,” Nolan said. “I’ll be near Hoof—and watching out for you.”
“Thank you,” I said. But by the time I said it, he was probably already gone.
In the distance, the dark shape of Caster, riding Monster, headed back in my direction. I waved my arms, determined to act as if I had simply come out to see Hoof and take a walk.
“My father is not happy,” Caster said, stopping alongside me.
“I suppose not,” I said. I thought of what Nolan had said about the Deputy keeping me in order to use me—and how close I had come to getting us both caught. I could only pray that the Waters would convince Caster and his father of the lie I was about to tell. “I wanted to see Hoof,” I said. “But she was sleeping so I just . . . I just walked.”
“You have a right to walk wherever you like,” he said, reaching down a hand.
I had nowhere else to go, certainly nowhere the Deputy couldn’t find me—not unless I wished to flicker right here and now, and I wasn’t even sure I could. I let Caster help me onto his beast.
“Back to the bear’s den, then,” he said.
I leaned into his back. “I’m sorry if I worried you,” I said.
“You make life interesting,” he replied.
I could have retorted that “interesting” was the last thing any of us needed, but I said nothing. I was tired. Flickering had taken something out of me. Perhaps when I got back to my prison I would at least sleep.
Seventeen
I WOKE LATE. THE SUN WAS STREAMING THROUGH THE room’s single large window, illuminating the clock on the far wall. My head was groggy at first, as if I had taken liquor, a thing I had done only once and had regretted too much to try ever again. I blinked at the light, trying to recall where I was.
The back of my father’s head as he walked away with the guardsmen filled my mind. My mother’s hand gripping mine between the bars. Caster’s face pressed into my shoulder.
My eyes burned with the aftermath of the day’s tears.
The hate reflecting back from Brach’s deep brown eyes bored through me, and I pulled my knees into my chest. I was solid now, heavy. Everything was heavy and at the same time, too bright.
Someone knocked on the door.
I didn’t answer.
“Myra?” Caster called. “Are you awake?”
I didn’t answer.
“Myra, I know you’re awake. My father has sent me to retrieve you. Better to get the lecture over with.”
I sat up. “All right. I’ll come down.” I stumbled out of bed, tripped over my feet, and fell back down. I flickered out, then in again. No, I couldn’t flicker. I couldn’t let this happen. I had triggered it, just as my mother had always warned. I had purposely learned to flicker, and now I might expose myself.
I took a deep breath and stood up again. Pinpricks spread from my heart. I pushed them back. I couldn’t risk going downstairs, but I couldn’t stay where I was. I had to get control over myself. I waited five minutes, then ten, then fifteen, until the pinpricks were completely gone. I put on a simple dress, wrinkled from being in the trunk, and walked down the stairs with as much grace as I could muster.
I had just reached the dining table, where Caster sat in front of a grand spread, when the Deputy walked into the room. He glared at me, making no move to sit.
“So she still lives,” he said.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I was lonely for my beast. She is all I have left.” I sat at the table, unable to look the Deputy in the eye but not wanting to seem too demure, too broken.
The Deputy pulled a sweet bread from the pile. “We have one funeral to attend today. Thank the Waters, the garbage man has survived, so there will not be two.”
“I must see my parents,” I said.
He took a bite of his bread and looked down at me with cold eyes. I thought perhaps he would spit his food back or explode in nasty laughter. But he didn’t. “After the funeral, my son will escort you,” he said.
I was about to thank him, but the words wouldn’t come from my mouth. What would I be thanking him for? Whenever he seemed to show the slightest charity, he could be hoping I would betray my people. Never mind that these supposed hidden Flickerkin were no more my people than were the Flicker Men themselves.
“You will come straight back,” he said, not to me but to Caster.
“Fine,” Caster said.
The Deputy left the room, leaving me alone with Caster and a feast I didn’t wish to eat. I took a muffin and picked off a piece. I hadn’t thought about the funeral. I had been to a few funerals, but those were for old people whom I had barely known. This one would be for a friend. Caster, too, sat glumly. His face lacked its usual sparkle; his features in sadness looked more like his father’s.
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