by Alex Lake
Eventually, Sarah took her to the galley and tried to rock her to sleep; after quarter of an hour of wriggling and shouting Kim finally consented to her mom’s fervent wishes and gave in to the charms of slumber. Sarah returned to her seat and closed her eyes.
She didn’t sleep; she never did on planes. She didn’t like flying, had a fear of being so high above the world, a thin metal tube the only thing between her and her maker. She knew air travel was statistically one of the safest forms of travel, but it didn’t help. It felt wrong. It was wrong; there was nothing natural about being in a metal cylinder thirty thousand feet above the surface of the earth. So she couldn’t relax, and without relaxation there was no sleep.
Besides, it didn’t really matter whether she slept or not. They had nothing to do when they arrived other than settle in at Ben’s parents’ house and take their time getting over their jet lag. They could nap, take walks, visit London, do whatever they wanted. There was no pressure on them to be anywhere or do anything, and Sarah intended to keep it that way.
This trip was their opportunity to get away from Barrow and all the goings on, to spend time as a family, to get perspective. It was a chance for her and Ben to put aside the recent past – and, given the letter he’d received about Josh, the more distant past – and reset their marriage.
She didn’t think it would be easy. He had been very reserved since she had confessed to the affair, withdrawn and quiet, unmoved almost, although she knew him well enough to see he was deeply wounded. She would make it better, though. She would do whatever it took.
And she would deal with Diana. How had she done all this? How could she have known about the affair? Sarah didn’t know, but all options were on the table at the moment. And at first she would play dumb with Diana. Pretend she did not suspect her, lure her into revealing herself, and then – well, she didn’t know what she would do then. But she would find a way to stop this, once and for all.
Before they left she had called Jean.
We’re going away, she said. To England.
How long for? Jean asked.
A couple of weeks. I can’t take it anymore.
What happened now?
Ben thinks I’m doing it myself, but I don’t remember it. It’s called dissociative fugue.
Whatever it’s called, it’s bullshit, Jean said. Why would you be doing this stuff?
Because it’s the only way I can get the help I need, Sarah said. The books were about suicide and depression and the notes were me saying I needed help but wouldn’t admit it. Ben’s theory is that my subconscious is crying out for help but I’m too stubborn to admit it, so the only way it can get it is by doing all this stuff.
Jean had laughed. Sounds pretty far-fetched.
Not for Rachel Little. It’s her putting it in his mind.
I didn’t know they were friends.
They’re not. But she’s wormed her way into his life.
You think she’s behind it?
I did, Sarah said. But then another note came. It was a confession.
To what?
To an affair I had.
There was a long silence. You had an affair, Jean said, at last.
Yes. It wasn’t much—
With who?
With a guy called Josh. He worked at the medical center for a while. The letter—
How long did it go on for? Did you – you know?
Once, Sarah said. And Ben knows. The letter – supposedly from me – told him. And Rachel couldn’t have known. He thinks I sent it myself so I could confess.
Jesus, Jean said. It doesn’t make any sense.
It did make sense, though. The theory that it was her – suffering, unknown to her conscious self, from anxiety, depression and thoughts of suicide – made a lot of sense. At least, it made more sense than any of the other theories: ex-boyfriends, Rachel Little, Ben himself. None of them would have been able to do most of the stuff, and none of them had any reason to.
The flaw was that she wasn’t depressed or suicidal. Suffering from anxiety, yes. But not the others.
At least, she thought not, which only left Diana.
And this trip was a way to find out, once and for all, because Sarah was sure that, with Ben and her grandchildren where she wanted them, Diana would reveal herself. And if she and Ben both saw it, then they could tackle this together.
Diana was waiting outside the arrivals hall. She was wearing a dark skirt and expensive-looking silk blouse.
And a headscarf.
Sarah stared at her. She had a feeling that under the scarf her head was hairless.
Which meant only one thing.
‘Hello,’ Diana said. ‘How lovely to see you all.’ She held out a hand to Miles, then bent to kiss Faye. Kim was sitting on the luggage cart; she brushed her cheek with her forefinger and smiled.
‘Aren’t you pretty,’ she said, then looked at Ben. ‘Well,’ she said. ‘Don’t you have a kiss for your mother?’
Ben looked at her, then glanced at Sarah, then stepped forward and gave her a kiss on the cheek.
‘Mum,’ he said, and gestured to her headscarf. ‘Is – are you—’
Diana waved away the question. ‘Not now,’ she said. ‘The answer’s yes, but not now. When we’re at home and small ears are otherwise occupied.’
Ben gave Sarah a hopeless look.
‘OK,’ he said. ‘Later.’
She had about six months to live, although from what she said, Sarah wasn’t sure she would make it that long. Her cancer was aggressive and widespread, and had been discovered late. She had put her back pain down to advancing age but it turned out to be something far more sinister.
She had, typically, a no-nonsense attitude to her illness.
‘Why didn’t you tell us?’ Ben said.
‘Because I didn’t want you rushing over here when you’ve got other things to be getting on with.’
‘Were you planning to tell us?’ Ben said. ‘Or was I going to get a surprise phone call one day?’
‘Of course I was. But not for a while. And then you said you were coming anyway, so it all worked out.’
Roger – Ben’s dad – coughed. ‘I did try to change her mind,’ he said. ‘But you know how easy that is. And you’re here now, which is the main thing.’
‘Yes,’ Diana said. She looked at them intently. ‘And why are you here? It’s very sudden. Ben mentioned you needed a break, but it’s unlike you both to be so impetuous.’
‘It’s kind of a long story,’ Ben said.
‘Oh?’ Diana got to her feet; it was clear from the wince she gave that it took some effort to do so. ‘I’ll put the kettle on, then.’
Ben stood up. ‘Let me, Mum,’ he said.
She waved him away. ‘Do not,’ she said, ‘treat me like an invalid. I will not have it.’
After she brought the tea – china cups on china saucers, tea in a teapot – Ben told the story. Sarah – reluctantly – filled in the gaps. He did not mention the letter about the affair, or the idea that Sarah might have been doing it herself, but then he didn’t need to.
If Sarah was right, Diana knew all about it anyway.
‘So there you have it,’ Ben said. ‘That’s the reason we wanted to get away. Someone’s messing with us and we don’t know why.’
Diana looked across the table at them. She looked, unusually for her, troubled.
‘Then stay,’ she said, ‘as long as you like.’
3
‘I’m so sorry,’ Sarah said. Ben was lying next to her in the bed in the guest room. It was hard, the mattress unforgiving. ‘It was such a shock to see her at the airport.’
Ben shook his head. ‘I can’t believe she didn’t tell me,’ he said. ‘Seems to be a pattern with the women in my life. A few days ago you tell me about your affair; today Mum tells me she’s got six months to live. I don’t know where to start.’
Sarah wished he would start with her, would turn and lay his head on her shoulder so she could hold h
im and provide comfort and support, but she knew he wouldn’t. For the moment she was not a source of solace; rather she was a source of pain.
And he had plenty: not only her infidelity and his mom’s cancer, but the situation they had run away from. From his point of view, his life was falling apart.
‘She told Sam,’ he said. ‘I asked her. She told my brother, and she told him not to tell me.’
‘We’re seeing him tomorrow, right?’
‘He’s coming for lunch. We can have it out then.’
‘Are you sure you want to? It might be better to put it aside and move on.’
He looked at her, his face sallow. ‘You would say that. But it’s not always possible to put things aside, Sarah. Some things have to be dealt with.’
And then, in what Sarah thought was a pretty convincing display of not dealing with things, he rolled on to his side and pretended to go to sleep.
She woke shortly after ten in the morning. The bed was empty. She got out and looked in the kids’ room; their beds were empty too. She could hear them playing downstairs, along with the voices of some other children.
Sam and Callie – Ben’s brother and sister-in-law – must have arrived with their two, Michael and Olivia. Sarah showered and dressed and went downstairs; Ben and Sam were sitting at the kitchen table, drinking tea.
‘Hey,’ Sam said. He stood up and hugged her. ‘Good to see you.’
‘You too.’ She turned to Ben. ‘Why didn’t you wake me? I feel like a slob, getting up this late.’
‘You looked so peaceful,’ he said. ‘I didn’t have the heart.’
Sarah rolled her eyes. ‘I’m sorry about Diana,’ she said. ‘It was quite a shock when we saw her.’
‘I’ll bet,’ Sam said. ‘Benny and I were just talking about it. She only told me a couple of weeks back. She said she wanted to tell you herself. I protested but—’ he gave a little shrug, ‘you know Mum.’
‘Where’s Callie? And the kids?’
‘Outside. Go and say hi. She’s looking forward to seeing you.’
Callie was sitting at the garden table with Diana and Roger. On the lawn – perfectly manicured, each blade seemingly a uniform size and shade of green – Miles, Faye and Kim were playing at a water table with their cousins.
Callie – tall, with curly blond hair and blue eyes – jumped up when she saw Sarah.
‘Hi!’ she said. ‘I can’t believe you’re here!’
Sarah grinned; Callie was one of life’s enthusiasts. There were cup half-full and cup half-empty people and then there was Callie: the cup was always overflowing. She had the rare ability to instinctively get the best out of any situation. She seemed to zero in on whatever positives were on offer, and then focus on them to the exclusion of anything else.
‘I know,’ Sarah said. ‘It was a bit of a last-minute decision to come. You look well.’
‘You too! And the kids are so cute! I love Kim.’
‘You can have her. She was up a lot last night with jet lag. It’s brutal.’
‘I remember when we came back from visiting you,’ Callie said. ‘Olivia wouldn’t sleep for days. It was kind of fun, though. We got to spend some time together. One night there was a meteor shower – at, like four a.m. – and we went outside and watched it. I don’t think she remembers it, but it was magical.’
There it was: sleepless nights with a jet-lagged baby were magical. Only Callie.
‘Morning,’ Diana said. ‘Did you sleep well?’
Sarah blushed. She was embarrassed about waking so late. Diana was not the type who succumbed to jet lag; when she’d visited Maine she had set her watch to US time as soon as she had landed and acted as though jet lag was an invention of the weak-minded.
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘I didn’t mean to sleep in so—’
Diana shrugged. ‘Sleep as long as you like,’ she said. ‘You’re on holiday.’
Callie looked at Sarah and raised an eyebrow. ‘Grandma Dee took Olivia shopping last weekend,’ she said. ‘She came back with a lovely set of earrings. And pierced ears to put them in.’
‘Well,’ Diana said, a smile on her lips. ‘Seven’s old enough for pierced ears. And she said her mum had told her it was OK.’
‘Which was not exactly the truth,’ Callie said. ‘But they are nice earrings. And it doesn’t really matter, in the scheme of things. She was going to get them pierced sooner or later.’
‘Exactly,’ Diana said. ‘What is it you Americans say? No harm, no foul?’
Sarah stared at her mother-in-law. ‘We do,’ she said. ‘I didn’t have you pegged as the no harm, no foul type, Diana.’
Ben’s mom nodded. ‘I don’t suppose I ever was. But when you are in my current condition you work out how to put aside those things that are not important and how to focus on those that are. Spending time with Olivia – and all of you – is important. Worrying about earrings is not.’
Sarah found it hard to believe what she was hearing. Diana seemed like a different person, a much more pleasant person. A person who had changed because of some great event in their life.
The question was whether it was because of her illness.
Or because she thought she had won.
They had lunch in a pub; Ben drank pints of dark beer with his dad and brother, and showed Miles and Faye how to play darts. By the time they left, Faye had figured out how to get the darts to end up in the general vicinity of the board; Miles was still peppering the surrounding walls with little holes.
As they walked outside Ben yawned. ‘Tired,’ he said. ‘Damn jet lag.’
‘And the beer,’ Sarah said. ‘You’re not used to lunchtime drinking. You rarely do it at home.’
‘Ah,’ Ben said. ‘That’s because there are no decent pubs. If we had decent pubs to go to – well, it’d be boozy lunches every weekend.’
‘I’m glad you’re having a good time,’ Sarah said. ‘It’s nice to be here. Nice to see you in your home.’
‘It’s good to be here,’ Ben said. ‘But this is a holiday, Sarah. We have to go back, eventually. And I worry that when we do, we’ll be back to square one.’
Sarah didn’t reply. She didn’t want to.
She didn’t want to admit to sharing the exact same fear.
4
Sarah had been amazed by London’s parks when she first visited; they were no less impressive now. If you knew what you were doing – which Ben did – you could walk long distances in the city without stepping for more than a few yards on a road.
On Tuesday evening they walked through Hyde Park – one of Sarah’s favorites – on their way to dinner with Adrian Jameson, Ben’s former boss. Sarah had never met him, but he and Ben went way back. They had been a year apart at university and Adrian had persuaded Ben to join the same law firm as him when he had graduated.
They walked into the restaurant, a modern, brightly lit room loud with the chatter of patrons. Adrian was sitting at a table in the corner; he stood up and gestured to them to join him.
‘Ben,’ he said. ‘Great to see you. This must be Sarah.’ He shook her hand. ‘Delighted to meet you.’
‘You too,’ Sarah said. ‘I’ve heard a lot about you.’
‘Don’t tell me what he said,’ Adrian replied. ‘I’ve changed since then.’ He leaned forward. ‘We were on the same rugby team,’ he whispered. ‘Enough said.’
‘Oh, yes, he mentioned the rugby,’ Sarah said. She had always found it hard to believe that Ben, with his slender build and relaxed, uncompetitive attitude, had played rugby, which to Americans looked like a huge, sprawling, eighty-minute fight.
‘He was pretty good,’ Adrian said. ‘A bit of a demon out there.’
‘Hardly,’ Ben said. ‘I spent most of my time on the wing where I couldn’t do much harm.’
Adrian laughed. ‘Fair enough,’ he said. ‘You said it though, Ben. Not me. Anyway, what brings you over here? Holidays?’
‘Kind of,’ Ben said. ‘A few other things going on.’
‘Anything serious?’ Adrian said.
‘Mum’s ill. Cancer.’
‘I’m sorry to hear it.’
‘Although I only found out when we got here. She was keeping it to herself. Soldiering on. Stiff upper lip, etc. You know the drill.’ Ben rolled his eyes.
‘So you didn’t find out until you arrived?’ Adrian said. ‘That wasn’t the reason for the visit?’
‘No,’ Ben said. ‘We needed to get away. Have a break. You know how it is.’
Adrian looked at him. Sarah could see his lawyer’s mind whirring, sensing the mystery, wondering what was going on.
‘Well,’ he said. ‘If you ever decide to move home, let me know. We’d take you back at the firm in a heartbeat.’
‘Thanks,’ Ben said. ‘But I doubt it’ll come to that. We’re pretty settled over in Maine.’
After dinner they left Adrian and went outside.
‘Cab it back?’ Ben said.
Sarah shook her head. ‘I’m full,’ she said. ‘Let’s go for a walk.’
The offer of the job had set her thinking.
Why not move here? The more time she spent here, the less sure she was it was Diana who was behind the Facebook account and the emails and all the rest of it – it was hard to see how she could have been, in her condition. And even if she was, well, she wouldn’t be around much longer.
And if it wasn’t Diana, then they were better off here anyway. If it wasn’t Diana, then she didn’t want to be anywhere near whoever was doing it.
They set off into Hyde Park. For the first time in weeks she felt fully relaxed; the constant fear of what she’d find when she checked her phone or opened her mailbox had receded.
As they walked along, she took Ben’s hand in hers. He didn’t snatch it away.
‘You know,’ she said. ‘Maybe we should move here. If he was serious about you having your old job back, it’d be easy. And I’d get a medical job, when the time was right. There’d probably be some accreditation I’d have to get, but it shouldn’t be a problem.’
‘I don’t know,’ Ben said. ‘Our life’s in Barrow. It would be a huge upheaval.’
