Ben thought about that and then put his hand out. It took Kelly a minute to react.
“Thanks,” Ben said.
“For what?”
“For… I don’t know… for being here, for not blowing me off when you could have and probably should have.”
Kelly laughed and waved. “Oh, that. Well, you know, what did I have better to do, right?” After they shook hands, his gaze slipped past Ben, who turned to follow it. Across the graveyard, Kathryn stood, holding Ryley and talking to Jason and Holly. She looked like she’d found a new little friend. The sight made Ben’s heart jerk.
“You know,” Kelly said, “it’s none of my business, but…”
He wanted to hear, to think down the road Kelly was going, but Ben knew the story was all but over, her job was over, she had done exactly as she had told him she would do—she had seen him through. “We’d better get over there. Jason was talking about going to eat somewhere. Are you and Tamitha going to come, or do you have to get back to work?”
Side-by-side they started across the grassy hill dotted with gray and brown headstones.
“Yeah, we’ll be going back probably tomorrow,” Jason said. “I’ve got to get back for work.”
Without really realizing she was doing it, Kathryn ran her hand up and down the little child’s back who snuggled into her arms. Sometime in the last hour as her parents spoke with everyone, the little girl had attached herself to Kathryn, and Kathryn wasn’t arguing. She laid her cheek on the soft, blonde curls, wishing this never had to end. They had all become like family to her. How would she ever let them go?
“So.” Ben stepped up with Kelly, and his brash manner surprised Kathryn. He looked more on top of his game than he had since they’d met. It made her heart collapse to think he no longer needed her. “I was thinking Orlando’s or maybe Vencini’s. How does Italian sound to everyone?”
Just like that Kathryn felt her place with all of them evaporate. She was no longer needed—he no longer needed her; they no longer needed her. Her spirit stepped back and away from them. It hurt, but she breathed that down, praying God would get her through the next few minutes.
“Sounds good to me,” Jason said. “I’m starving.”
Tamitha came to stand by Kelly. “We could go for some Italian.”
“Great!” Ben said, clapping his hands as if he couldn’t wait. “Then what are we waiting for?”
The shattering of Kathryn’s heart was taking all of her willpower to keep down. It hurt worse than she could ever have imagined. “Well.” She shifted Ryley slightly and with one more rub across the child’s back, she detached from the child, handing her back to Holly. “I’d better be getting back to work.”
Like a whipsaw, Ben’s heart hit his shoes. “Work?” His gaze jumped to her. “You’re not…? You’re not going to… join us?”
She smiled, softly, serenely, as he had seen her do a hundred thousand times. “No, I’d really better get back. But you all take care.”
He heard what she was saying loud and clear, and suddenly he couldn’t breathe. She really was leaving. Not for an hour, not for a day, but for forever. He stood there, helplessly, not knowing how to make it stop.
“You guys travel safely,” she said, giving first Holly and then Jason a hug. She stepped to Kelly and Tamitha and offered her hand. “It was nice to meet you. Take care.”
She had to be kidding! She had to be! She couldn’t just leave. Not now. Not like this. And then she was standing right in front of him, looking like the professional, in control woman who had walked into Dr. Vitter’s office an eternity before. Her soft smile tore his heart out. “Let us know if you need anything.” She put her hand out, and Ben looked down at it not comprehending anything.
“I… Okay.” He shook her hand and then couldn’t take the distance between them one more second. With that he pulled her to him, latching on, praying she wouldn’t just walk out of his life. “Thank you.”
Her hand rubbed up and down his back, and although he wanted it to be special, he knew she was only comforting another bereaved client. He let go and looked at her, but she wouldn’t look back. Instead, her gaze was melded to the ground between them.
She sniffed softly and nodded. “You’re welcome.” Then for one small moment her gaze came up to his. It held for only a heartbeat and then fell again. “Take care.” Her hand stayed on his arm, squeezed once more, and then dropped. For one whole moment he thought she was going to say more because she didn’t move. Then, head down, she turned from their group and walked off, taking his heart with her.
Keep walking, Kate. Keep walking and don’t look back. Tears streamed down Kathryn’s face with each step she took, and she hated them all. If anyone had seen her, they would’ve thought she had completely lost it. But this was her job for goodness sake. Her job. Professionals didn’t lose it like this. What was wrong with her?
Again and again on the trek to her car, she pushed his face from her memory and her heart. She had to get away, to put distance between them. It was the only way she could hope to keep any pieces of her heart that were left together.
“What are you doing?” Kelly asked, heat permeating the statement he hissed at his friend. “Why are you just standing there? Go after her already.”
Ben’s gaze fell from the sight of her walking away. Seeing that was tearing him apart anyway. He turned back to the little group with a little shrug. “She needs to get back to work.”
Kelly let out an exasperated exhale. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”
Facing how little he really meant to her was hard enough, doing it with an audience was horrific. “So are we going to eat or what? I’m starving.” He really wasn’t. In fact, he might never eat again.
“Dr. Lightner just called from the heart wing,” Misty said as Kathryn stood at the counter thirty minutes later.
She was proud of herself for the solid snap-mask she had been able to force over the emotions in the hospice parking lot. True, it had taken all the way to there to stop crying, but once she had, it almost seemed like life could go on like normal. “Okay. Did they send the paperwork down?”
“It’s on your desk.”
“Have they assigned a room yet?”
“Twelve.”
Mrs. Davis’s room. And before that Mr. Warren’s. Her heart lurched at that thought, but she yanked it back.
“How was the funeral?” Misty asked with some hesitation.
Kathryn barely looked up from the phone messages Misty had given her. “Oh, fine. It was nice.” She could feel Misty about to ask more questions, so she looked up and smiled her best all is right with the world smile. “I’d better get to work.”
“Yeah.”
The conversation floated around Ben. He laughed when everyone else did though he could hardly follow the conversation for the pain in his heart. He tried to look interested as Jason told everyone about his job and the little town where they lived. He tried, but it didn’t work very well. In a strange way it was like being able to see that life was all some fancy, elaborate play. He was watching it rather than being in it. They were talking, about what? Did any of it matter? Was any of it even real?
In twelve hours they would all be back to their own lives, no longer connected by the tragedy that was now over.
“Is something wrong with your manicotti, sir?” the waiter asked, stepping up behind him.
“What?” Ben spun, taken off-guard. He looked down at his barely touched food. “Oh, no. I guess I wasn’t as hungry as I thought.”
He felt the concerned looks from the others at the table. Even Holly who had been preoccupied with keeping marinara off of Ryley’s dress for most of the meal looked over at him. He smiled at all of them and shrugged. “I guess I’m not used to eating at two in the afternoon.”
“Are you going to break for lunch?” Misty asked, standing at Kathryn’s door.
“Oh, I ate something on the way over.” She barely looked up from the paperwork, hoping her sto
mach wouldn’t give the lie away.
“I could bring you something back.”
“No. Really. I’m fine.”
“So,” Jason said, standing outside of the restaurant. He turned to Ben who could hardly take the relentlessness of the heartaches being thrown at him like debris in a hurricane.
“So.” Ben turned, determined to not make his last minutes with his brother some kind of weep-fest. He put out his hand, and Jason shook it. “Don’t be a stranger. You know where we live now.”
“Yeah.”
“And I’ll be in touch with you once we get the whole estate thing pinned down.”
Jason half-smiled and half-nodded. “Okay.”
As long as he could swim in the details, Ben convinced himself he would be fine. “I don’t think it should take more than a month or so to go through everything. If you want something in particular…”
“No. Just whatever.”
Ben nodded. Then sensing he couldn’t take a second more of that conversation, he turned to Holly. “You take care of yourself, you hear me. And this little one and this little one too.” He reached over and slid his hand over Ryley’s curls, the feel of which brought the vision of Kathryn holding her in that graveyard rushing back. He could hardly keep the onslaught of emotions from surfacing. “Have a safe trip back.”
“We will.”
Again Ben nodded, feeling like he was on display for the whole entire world to see. “Well, I’d better be getting home.” He reached over and shook Kelly’s hand, feeling like he was abandoning his own responsibilities to his friend. But what was new there?
“Take care of yourself,” Kelly said, and it sounded like a warning.
“Oh, you know me.”
“Yeah, I do.” And that didn’t sound like a good thing.
Ben stepped backward away from them, hoping he wouldn’t fall. “See you guys later.” He lifted his hand and then ran it over his head as he turned for his car. It felt like lasers going through him. He knew they were watching, but what did they want from him? He couldn’t stay and babysit all night. Besides they were going to leave at some point. He was doing them all a favor, getting it over with sooner rather than later.
Down the block, he crawled into his car and revved the engine. Back to real life. Finally. He couldn’t have been happier to be back.
Chapter 17
Jason and Holly were gone. Ben had gotten that much from the call from Kelly on Thursday. Kelly called him, not the other way around. The truth was for all the show he put on for the rest of the world, Ben was hanging on by a thin thread. He went to work, even made some sales. He came home and dragged a beer out of the refrigerator. That was the only thing left.
One part of him tried to remember the last time he’d eaten, but that took too much energy so he abandoned the search. He considered going out, but the question of where he would even go kept him glued to the couch. Besides, he couldn’t think of anyone who would agree to meet him “out” wherever anyway.
So he sat on his couch, staring at the TV that he didn’t have the energy to turn on, sipping a beer he didn’t taste. Life was wonderful.
“I am so ready to be out of here,” Misty said, the next Friday. “I can’t wait.”
“So what time’s your flight out?” Kathryn had learned that short bits of very focused conversation were the only things that kept her from thinking about the pathetic state of her life and heart. She had seen Dr. Martin in the cafeteria with yet another blonde who might or might not have a connection with the hospital. Nathan hadn’t called. And even the guy two rows down had skipped church on Sunday.
The one guy she really wanted to think about, she made herself not. It just hurt too much. One small piece of her had hoped he would call, but he hadn’t. That was more than enough evidence to demonstrate that he hadn’t been anything other than another client. She needed to move on. However, knowing that and doing it were on opposite ends of the emotional spectrum, and she couldn’t figure out how to get them to come together.
“Nine-fifteen. I’m leaving early.”
“And you’re coming back next… what?”
“Friday. A whole week away in paradise.” Misty sighed. “No kids. No work. No house to clean.”
“Just make sure you come back.”
Misty sighed again. “Why?”
That was a good question.
The bad thing for Kathryn was that even the chapel wasn’t safe anymore. Going in there reminded her of their time together and that just hurt all the more. She prayed for him as much as her heart could take, but it was becoming more and more fragile with each passing hour. She needed to go out, to get out, to go do something.
Picking up her cell phone after work, she punched in Casey’s number. Maybe they could go get Chinese or go to the moon.
“Hello?” Her sister sounded like death warmed over.
“Case? What’s wrong?”
“Ugh. Hi, Kate. What time is it?”
“Uh, five-fifteen. Where are you?”
“Bed. Stomach bug. Paige came down with it yesterday, so we’ve been trading off throwing up all day.”
“Oh, Case. Why didn’t you call me?”
“Trust me. You don’t want this stuff. The doctor said it’s like a 48-hour thing, and we’re going to be lucky if Taylor doesn’t get it.”
“How’s Ethan?”
“Fine. He’s working. He’s probably safer there anyway.”
“He left you with both kids?”
“Duh. Work or staying home with two sick-to-their-shoes people and a screaming baby? What would you choose?”
“I should come over.”
“No. Kate. Really. Ethan should be here in an hour anyway. And there’s no reason for you to get sick too.”
“Are you sure? I could bring some Sprite or…”
“Oh, Kate. I’ve got to go. Paige is looking green again.”
“O…kay.”
“I’ll call you later.” And with that she was gone.
Kathryn clicked off the phone, seriously considering going over to her sister’s. But it was a two-hour drive, and what could she really do once she got there anyway? Her phone rang, and with a sigh, she answered it. “Hello.”
“Katie. I’m glad I caught you.”
“Hi, Mom.”
“Have you talked with Casey?”
“I just did. Why?”
“Because I’m headed over there. She doesn’t need to be there with those two babies like that.”
There was no argument in Kathryn.
“I just wanted to let you know that I’ll be over there at least through the weekend so you don’t worry if you call and I’m not here.”
“Oh, okay.”
“Darling, are you okay? I hope you’re not coming down with something. You sound like you could use some rest too.”
That didn’t sound like a bad suggestion. “I’m fine, Mom. Just take care of Casey and the kids.”
Her mother sighed. “I just wish you had someone…”
Ugh. Not now. Please. “I’m hanging up now, Mom.”
“I’m not being pushy. I’m just saying…”
“Seriously. I’m hanging up.” She pulled the phone from her ear and then put it back. “I love you.” And with that she clicked it off and flipped it into the other seat. Maybe she was getting sick. She sure didn’t feel great. Friday night, alone again. What a surprise.
“Ben, it’s been awhile. I haven’t heard from you,” Charissa said on the machine as Ben stood at the counter drinking a beer and listening. “I’d love to see you again. Call me.”
She left her number just before the beep. The machine clicked off. Staring at it, he took another drink.
He was alone, and he was bored. It wasn’t like it would be the crime of the century to call her. Maybe they could go out. He hadn’t been out in so long, he couldn’t remember the last time. Or maybe they could just stay in. That sounded even better. Maybe that’s just what he needed to get his head back on
straight.
Reaching over, he tried not to think about what he was doing as he called her number. “Charissa!” He sounded fake even to his own ears, but he pushed that back. “I just got your message. Yeah. Listen…” He leaned back on the counter, letting the old bravado slip over him. Finally, Ben Warren was back in the game.
Kathryn took the book off the shelf. She had read it before, mostly for understanding for the job. For a moment she thumbed through it, and then stopped for no apparent reason. She flipped her hair over to the other shoulder and laid her head on her couch. As she read, it was odd how she didn’t remember reading this part. It was about loving someone without expectations and how if you simply loved no matter what the outcome, that was real love.
Six pages in, she let the book fall closed. They all made it sound so easy, but what about when you did that and you still got your heart smashed? Standing, she walked over to the window where the raindrops slithered down. With the tips of her fingers she reached out and touched the cold glass as her heart searched for him no matter how stupid her head said that was. Love so wasn’t fair, not when you went all in and got burned anyway. It hurt to know he’d never had any intention of being with her. He had used her, and when her job was over, when her use to him was over, he went on with life as if nothing had ever happened.
She would cry, but it would change nothing. She was out of tears, out of hurt, out of hope. What was the point? No matter what she did, she still ended up here, in her apartment, alone. With a shake of her head, she stepped away from the window and the depressing thoughts. She needed sleep. Maybe she really was getting sick.
“So,” Charissa said as she sat on his couch. Her skirt was so short Ben had no trouble visualizing anything even through the alcohol.
Coming Undone Page 27
