Actually Love - Jessie & Zach (The Crossroads Series)

by Melanie Shawn

  “Are they behind me?” Grandpa J asked with a twinge of panic in his voice as he walked up and stood facing Jessie.

  Jessie knew exactly who “they” were without Grandpa J having to spell it out. Leaning forward so she could see past him, she saw Margie and Mabel across the room, searching the area like bloodhounds.

  “Not yet, but I think they may be on your trail,” she said. Grandpa J’s shoulders slumped, and Jessie couldn’t help but feel for the guy. “What do you say we hit the dance floor?”

  Just like that, life breathed into his wrinkled face. “Now that sounds like a mighty good idea.”

  As they stepped to the dance floor, the music slowed and Grandpa J held out his hand. Jessie placed her right hand in his and rested the other on his shoulder. As he guided them around the floor, Jessie had to admit that he had moves.

  “I like your fella,” he told her in his serious tone.

  “He’s a good guy.” Jessie had probably said that twenty times tonight. Everyone loved Zach. She was beginning to think that “everyone” might just include her.

  “Good men like that don’t grow on trees,” he said, again invoking his serious tone.

  “I know.” Jessie tried not to let her irritation bleed into her voice, but she did not understand why everyone felt the need to point out how great Zach was and tell her that she better not mess this up. Not that that was exactly what Grandpa J had said, but she could read between the lines.

  “When I met my Marie, she thought I should date her sister.”

  “What?” Jessie had heard countless stories about Marie Elise Hunter. Sadly, Jessie had never met her because she’d passed away before Grandpa J had moved to Harper’s Crossing to live closer to his son and grandkids. Grandpa J’s granddaughter Sophie was married to Jessie’s cousin Bobby, the youngest of the Sloan boys.

  “Yep. She thought I had eyes for her sister Lynette, but I was only nice to Lynette to get close to Marie.” Grandpa J wagged his eyebrows. “So when she wouldn’t let it go, insisting that I take her sister out to a show, I convinced her I was nervous and wanted to practice going on a proper date with her.”

  “You sly dog, you.” Jessie laughed as she playfully swatted his arm, which was surprisingly strong for a man of his age. Grandpa J had moves and guns.

  Smiling from ear to ear at the compliment, Grandpa J continued. “Well, after the first pretend date, I told her I might just need one more to get my confidence up.” Grandpa J winked. “That lasted all summer. Finally, on a hot August day, just before I was going to get shipped out, I kissed her. She looked at me all starry eyed and said, ‘These weren’t really practice dates, were they, James. You didn’t need to get your confidence up.’

  “Well, I puffed out my chest and put on a little show like I was mighty offended at her accusation. Then I got down on one knee, pulled out the ring I’d been saving up for all summer, and I said, ‘Yes, ma’am, they were. I was practicing keeping a smile on your face, which I plan to do for the rest of my life, and getting my confidence up to ask you to do me the honor of being my wife.’”

  Jessie felt the moisture on her cheeks and realized that tears were falling from her eyes. She sniffed, and Grandpa J handed her the handkerchief he always kept in his right chest pocket. “That’s so sweet. I can’t believe I’ve never heard that before.”

  Eddie and Alex were always arguing over who had the most romantic proposal, but Grandpa J had them beat. Hands down. No contest. That man knew all about playing the long game.

  “Can I cut in, sir?” Zach’s deep voice startled Jessie, and she jumped a little.

  “Well now.” Grandpa J looked him up and down. “That depends.”

  Both Jessie and Zach waited to see what the conditions were.

  Grandpa J’s brows rose and he looked Zach dead in the eye. “Do you promise to take care of our girl?”

  Jessie had heard that tone before. She’d never heard Grandpa J speak to any of the girls with it, but there had been several times as she was growing up that that tone had been directed at her cousins. She thought now what she’d thought then. I’m glad I’m not on the receiving end of it.

  “Yes, sir. I do,” Zach said with far more gravity than Jessie had expected.

  The two men stared at each other for several more moments before Grandpa J nodded once and placed Jessie’s hand in Zach’s. Then, before he left the dance floor, he turned and winked at Jessie, saying, “Keep practicing.”

  Jessie felt herself tearing up again and was only able to nod and smile. She couldn’t believe how emotional she was being.

  “You okay?” Zach asked, pulling her close to him, and she rested her head on his firm chest.

  “Yeah,” Jessie assured him as she luxuriated in the strength of his arms. There was no better place in the world than in Zach’s arms. Well, maybe his bed. But only if she was still in his arms.

  She felt him kiss the top of her head before he spoke softly, his lips brushing against her scalp, causing goose bumps to rise all over her body. “I’m going to head home after this dance. My mom is starting to look tired.”

  “Oh.” She tried to step away. “You should go. I don’t want her to get too worn out.”

  Jessie appreciated the fact that Anna and Zach had sacrificed a holiday not once but twice this year and spent it with her family. But she knew how taxing these days must have been on her and she didn’t want to wear her out any more than she already had.

  “She’s fine. I just need one more dance with you,” Zach said as he continued holding her in place.

  Jessie’s heart beat faster at the fact that he said need instead of want. Maybe to someone else, that wouldn’t be that big of a distinction, but it was to Jessie. Laying her head back against him, she let herself pretend that this was real. That they were here as a couple. Boyfriend and girlfriend. Or better yet—husband and wife.

  As they swayed back and forth to the music, Jessie pictured what it would be like to be Zach’s wife. To have a legal document that said they belonged together. Forever. To introduce him at parties as her husband. To go to bed with him every night and wake up with him every morning.

  The music came to an end all too soon, and Zach squeezed her tight once more before kissing her on her forehead. “I guess I’ll see you next year.” Emotion swam in his clear green eyes as he stared at her, looking like he had something he wanted to say.

  She found herself holding her breath as she waited. For what, she wasn’t sure. A declaration of love? A marriage proposal? After Grandpa J’s story, she felt like anything was possible.

  After several excruciatingly long moments, Zach simply said, “Merry Christmas.”

  “Merry Christmas,” she repeated back to him.

  A smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes, tilted his mouth as he turned to walk off the dance floor.

  “I miss you already,” flew out of Jessie’s mouth, and the second it did, she held her lips tight together.

  Zach turned, and when he saw the expression on her face, he just smiled, threaded his fingers through her hair, tilted her head, and kissed her like he needed her more than he needed his next breath. The kind of kiss that people wrote love songs about. The kind of kiss that, if you were lucky, happened once in a lifetime.

  When he pulled away, his breathing was labored as he said, “I miss you, too.” And with that, he turned and walked away.

  Jessie stared after his retreating back and thought, If my life is a rom-com, shouldn’t he turn around and ask me to marry him? Or at least ask me to go to Vegas with him?

  He didn’t…but she really wished she could rewrite the script so he had.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Jessie shut her laptop and, threading her fingers together, stretched her hands over her head. She yawned loudly and looked over, narrowing her gaze, at the bed a.k.a. her nemesis, sitting in the middle of the hotel room. Its mere existence mocking her.

  She made up her mind then and there that she was going to win round
three. That this time it would not get the better of her. With steely determination, she stood and made the short walk from the small desk in the corner of room to the queen-sized bed that had been taunting her with its emptiness all night.

  Twenty-six years, she told herself as she slipped beneath the cool cotton sheets and pulled the covers up to her chest. Twisting she fluffed her pillow, then laid her head on it, staring at the popcorn ceiling above her. She had been sleeping alone for twenty-six years with no problems whatsoever. One week was not going to come in and undermine that impeccable track record. Nope. Jessie would not allow that to happen.

  Taking a deep breath, she shut her eyes and attempted to clear her busy mind. If she could do that, then she would be able to drift peacefully into Slumberville, a lovely place she’d very much like to visit. Unfortunately, the same thing happened that had occurred the last two times she attempted this feat. Zach popped into her mind.

  It wasn’t just his face, which she missed more than she’d ever thought was possible, since she didn’t really think someone could miss a face.

  It wasn’t just his body, which come on. If there were a person on this earth whose body someone would miss, it would be Zach Courtland’s. Every time she saw it, in all of its naked glory, she still couldn’t believe it was real. And she couldn’t believe that she had full access to it. Talk about winning the casual hook-up lottery. Best. Thing. Ever.

  It wasn’t just his voice, which she could listen to nonstop for the rest of her life and never get tired of hearing or feeling. She loved laying her head against Zach’s chest whenever he was talking, the vibrations soothed her and took the edge off better than anything.

  Well…except sex with Zach. Which was another thing topping the what-she-missed-about-Zach chart. Sex with Zach did a lot more than just take the edge off.

  All of those things she missed—like crazy. But what she was really having the biggest issue with was the feeling that she had when she was with him. That intangible something she felt every time he came in a room, called her on the phone, or when she was just in the same house as him. When she was with Zach, no matter where they were, she felt like she was where she belonged.

  Sitting up, she fluffed (punched!) her pillow several more times in frustration. Since he’d walked off the dance floor tonight, she’d had this uneasy feeling she couldn’t shake. Jessie tried to tell herself that it was just because she was worried about his fight. But that wasn’t it. Even though she didn’t love the idea of someone trying to hurt him on purpose, she felt this inner assurance that Zach could handle anything that came his way. He was Superman, after all.

  Lying back down in the bed, Jessie once again stared at the ceiling and tried to really pinpoint what could possibly be bothering her. The wedding had been amazing. Haley could not be happier. Her entire family seemed to have had a blast. Especially Becca, who Brian had taken back to her hotel room and not some random guy from the wedding, which made Jessie feel a lot better. Her career was fine. Even things with Zach were fine.

  Her stomach turned. Why did the feeling always get worse when she thought of Zach?

  A loud knock sounded, and Jessie stumbled out of bed, trying to rush to the door. Looking through the peephole, she was flooded with excitement and terror all at once.

  “What’s wrong? Is your mom okay?” she asked as she flung open the door.

  “She’s fine.” Zach stepped into the room. He was wearing his usual attire of yep, sweats, and looking far sexier than any man had a right to look.

  Jessie’s body immediately sat up and took notice of the sex appeal that dripped off of him like an ice cream cone melting in the sun. She told her hormones to settle down. This was obviously not a booty call or Zach would have her naked and up against the wall right now. That thought did not help her in the calming hormones department.

  She watched silently as Zach paced all the way to the back sliding door and then back to where she was still standing by the door. Then he made the trip again. And again. She thought about flipping on the light, but decided against it. The only light source in the hotel room came from the moonlight shining through the sheer curtains and the darkness in the space seemed to match Zach’s energy.

  “Are you okay?” she asked tentatively.

  Obviously, Zach wasn’t okay. It was three thirty in the morning, he was supposed to be on a flight in two hours leaving from O’Hare, and he was pacing back and forth in her hotel room in Whisper Lake. But that’s the best she could come up with.

  “We need to talk,” he said, pointing to the small desk she’d been working at when she couldn’t sleep.

  Uh oh.

  Now Zach was scaring her, but Jessie tried to employ her old standby, which was to not freak out until she had all the information. As calmly as possible Jessie made her way over to the desk, she sat in the chair he’d motioned to and waited. Taking a seat across from her on the edge of the bed, Zach’s eyes did not meet hers as he ran his fingers through his hair.

  Jessie wanted to reach out to him. To comfort him. To tell him that, whatever it was, it would be okay and they would fix it. But since she wasn’t sure if she was actually the problem, she remained silent. Luckily, she’d had years of practice keeping her thoughts to herself.

  “I love you.” Zach’s eyes finally met hers, his voice was pained. The admission sounded as if it were the last thing he wanted.

  Jessie waited to see what the “but” was because that was not a happily-ever-after declaration of ‘I love you.’ That was an I-love-you-but-I-never-want-to-see-you-again declaration of ‘I love you.’

  “And I can’t do this.” Zach’s stare was serious as he waved his hand, gesturing between them.

  Yep. There it was. Tears welled up in her eyes, but she was determined not to let him see her cry. It was difficult though. Not purely because of the overwhelming feeling of loss, but also the actual physical pain her body was in.

  Her heart (which all her life she’d believed should have an Out-of-Order sign hanging around it) was not only working, it was breaking into thousands of tiny pieces.

  Jessie had never believed in the existence of heartache. She thought it was just a saying that people threw around. Just like she’d thought love wasn’t real either. Turns out she was wrong on both points.

  As she tried to take in a breath, the walls began to feel like they were closing in on her and the room suddenly felt very small. She needed space. She needed air. She needed Zach to leave.

  Standing quickly she moved as fast as her feet would take her towards the door. In a tone as close to casual as she could manage she said, “Thanks for banging on my door, at three thirty in the morning, to tell me that. You could have just sent me a text to let me know. You didn’t have to be so dramatic.”

  Jessie was trying desperately to maintain her composure until he left the room. She just had to hold on for a few more seconds and he would be gone. He’d probably be relieved that this ‘breakup’ could be over so quickly. He started peeling off the Band-Aid and, just like when she was little, she ripped it off the rest of the way.

  Opening the door, she turned to see Zach still sitting on the bed, looking…confused. Why was he still sitting there? He needed to leave.

  “Okay. No more roommates with benefits. I get it. It’s not that big of a deal.” She shrugged with a smile that she knew didn’t reach her eyes, hoping he hadn’t heard the crack in her voice and couldn’t see the tears pooling in her eyes.

  “Yes it is.” Zach’s long arms flew up as he stood, his voice rising as he stated firmly and with conviction, “That’s my point.”

  Jessie shut the door quickly and quietly so hotel security didn’t come a-knockin’ since obviously this breakup of a fake relationship was not over. Looks like the Band-Aid was still hanging on even though she’d tried to rip that sucker off.

  Turning back to Zach, Jessie crossed her arms in front of her chest. It may have been perceived as a defensive move on her part, but in actuality it
was a protective one. “What is your point?” she snapped.

  “Fuck,” Zach’s voice filled with frustration as he rubbed his hands over his face. “I knew this wouldn’t come out right.”

  Even though she was hurt and her heart felt like someone had put it through a wood chipper, it still killed her to see Zach upset. He’d had so much pain in his life. She didn’t want to be one more thing that he had to deal with.

  Trying to put on as happy a face as she could, she took a deep breath and forced herself across the room. When she reached him, just his nearness made her legs shake, and she decided to take a seat. When she did, he sat down on the bed next her, still looking tortured.

  “Look, we had fun. That was all it was. Don’t beat yourself up over it. It’s not like we were headed down the aisle to the altar,” she said with a smile that she hoped looked genuine.

  His green eyes stared into hers and she just knew that he had a clear line all the way down to her soul. Because he saw her. Really saw her.

  And he didn’t want to be with her.

  She felt tears welling up again.

  Shit.

  Looking down at her hands, which were fidgeting in her lap, she tried to tell herself to pull it together. Tried to be the person Zach needed so that he could walk away from this guilt-free. She had been the one who told Margie and Mabel that they were a couple. She had been the one who said that she wanted a one-night stand. And she had been the one who said that she wanted to be roommates with benefits.

  This whole thing was her fault. Zach had just been dragged along with her on this insane, ludicrous roller coaster.

  “I want to marry you.”

  “What?!” she screeched as she whirled her head up. Her heart, which moments ago felt shattered, was now pounding rapidly in her chest.

  Jessie’s first thought was that she must have misheard him. But, as quickly as the thought popped into her mind, she dismissed it. Those five words had definitely come out of Zach’s perfect mouth.