by Ana Newfolk
As I turned David pushed me against the wall and holding me in place with his own body, he kissed me. I put my hands around his waist to keep him in place and as we kissed I felt my body relax against his. Before my brain noticed he was kissing me openly in daylight he stopped, and resting his forehead against mine he said breathlessly, “I’ve been dying to do that.”
When David grabbed my hand to go down the stairs, I saw a few other tourists smiling at us, clearly having seen the obvious display of affection. David looked back and winked. He knew those people were behind us. And he still kissed me. Fuck.
We were engulfed by a group of school teenagers as soon as we turned a corner. All we could do was lean against a wall while the group moved on animatedly. David held my hand as we stood side by side and as the kids were walking past he squeezed it and whispered to me.
“Look,” he nodded in the direction of boy and girl who were holding hands as they walked. The girl was chatting with another girl who was walking beside her. I looked at David not understanding what it was he wanted me to see.
“Now look at that boy over there,” there was another boy walking almost outside of the group, wearing a yellow t-shirt, keeping his head down with headphones on his ears. He looked like all the other kids, but there was a different stance to him like he was wearing a shield or some sort of invisible armor.
“Look back at the boy who’s with the girl.”
That’s when I noticed it. The boy who was with the girl had his eyes locked on the yellow t-shirt boy. With his headphones on and his gaze fixed on the floor, he had no idea he was the object of the other boy’s attention.
We kept our eyes on the group until they turned another corner and were out of sight.
“I was that boy,” David said, “the one with the girl.”
“You liked another boy when you were in high school?”
“No, but I pretended to like girls while I was trying to figure out why my eyes kept fixing on the boys,” he confessed.
“It must have been confusing for you.”
“It was, at least until the summer,” he said.
“The summer?”
“The summer we kissed, and the last time I saw you.”
“Oh.”
“After that, I knew.”
Chapter Nineteen
David
I can’t remember when the last time was I’d had so much fun.
After exploring the historical part of Óbidos, we’d looked for a shop where we could get a few souvenirs because Joel wanted to buy his granddad a bottle of ginjinha.
We’d found this tiny shop that sold exclusively ginjinha from Óbidos. The shop was manned by the grandson of the owner, a young guy called Carlos who was in his mid-twenties.
Carlos talked passionately about the sour cherry liqueur and gave us some to try in the traditionally small chocolate cups. Joel loved it and cheekily asked for a second serving. After many questions and five ginjinhas later we left the little shop with three bottles and feeling a little warm inside from the alcohol.
Afterwards we’d found a nice restaurant where we had dinner and then decided to have a quiet night in. Or so I thought. In fact, after finding a deck of cards in a drawer Joel decided we should play a game neither of us had played since we were kids called fishy.
It was a simple game where we had to request cards from our opponent until we had all four suits for each rank. In the end, the one with the most complete ranks won the game. The twist in our game was that each time we completed a rank we had to take a swig of ginjinha, and in each game, the loser lost an item of clothing.
It didn’t take us long to get drunk on the very alcoholic liqueur. I can’t remember who won because at some point we gave up on the game and just got naked instead.
We were too drunk to have any kind of sex but not to suddenly find every single part of our bodies funny.
“You have a tiny heart,” Joel had said pointing at my chest, his words a little slurry.
“No, I don’t,” I said in outrage.
“Yes you do, look,” he pointed at the tiny mole on my chest and looked closer, his nose nearly touching me and his breath tickling my chest hair.
“Oh! Now there’s two of them!” he exclaimed.
This carried on until we eventually made it to bed and fell asleep all tangled up in each other.
Of course right about now I couldn’t quite see why yesterday had been so much fun when my head was pounding, and I felt like I could be sick at any moment.
“Stop moving so loud,” Joel groaned.
“Ugh, I’m not moving, you’re moving.”
“Shit. We drank too much last night, I haven’t had a hangover like this since I was in college.”
“Shh,” I whispered and put my arm around him to pull him closer to me. Even with my eyes closed my mouth found his for a soft kiss.
Our host had left us with a carton of orange juice in the fridge, which we downed as soon as we felt well enough to be vertical. Once we had a shower, we checked out of the accommodation and went in search of a café where we could have some breakfast.
It was mid-morning by the time we arrived in Ericeira, a fisherman’s village on the coast. The area was known for its surfing waves and seafood, but first and foremost we were interested in just lying on the beach soaking up the sun.
On our way, we’d stopped at a supermarket and bought some ice for the cool box, soda cans, and some food. Our moms had come to Ericeira in their late teens on a beach day out with some friends, and that’s what we were doing, enjoying a beach day before going back home.
I had mixed feelings about going home. Despite the hangover I couldn’t remember when had I felt this happy, and I knew Joel was the sole reason for it. I would have carried on traveling with him, having fun, enjoying his company and for once acting my age, but reality was going to come crashing soon, and I’d need to be prepared for it.
Still, right now I was far too happy to worry about real life. We were both lying on our beach towels side by side. We’d remembered to bring a beach umbrella, so our food would remain in the shade while we were in the sun, enjoying it before it became too hot.
Joel was lying on his front, his arms supporting his head facing me. The curve of his body was so inviting all I wanted to do was run my tongue through it, from the back of his knees, up his butt and his back.
“Stop looking at me like I’m a meal,” he said squinting from the sunlight, with one eye open and one closed.
“What can I say, you’d make a fine meal.”
I scooted over to his towel.
“Hey! Who said you’re allowed on my towel? This is private property-- ouch!” he squeaked after I slapped his butt.
I lay on my side and rested my head on my elbows. Joel did the same mirroring my position.
“You ok?” he asked, changing his tone from playful to one of concern.
“I am more than ok,” I admitted, “I’ve had a great time in the past few days, and I don’t want it to end.”
“Me either, but we don’t have to stop seeing each other when we go back, do we?” his voice rose from concern to panic.
I put a hand on his face and let my thumb trace his cheek, his jaw, his lips, “No, we don’t,” I whispered. He relaxed under my touch and smiled. I leaned over and kissed him. His lips were smooth and warm, and so fucking delicious.
“Mmm... shall we go play in the water to cool down?” I asked.
“Give me a sec.”
“Why? Oh!” I smirked at his predicament and turned to sit up facing the ocean.
Even though it was a weekday there were a lot of people on the beach, no doubt many were tourists from other countries coming to Portugal to enjoy the warm weather and sunshine.
I’d never been outside of Portugal. With losing my mom and then dedicating my time to the business I’d never had the chance to go abroad.
I remembered a time when going abroad was all mom and I talked about. She encouraged me to p
ractice my craft and apply for scholarships that would allow us to afford me studying in Paris or London. She’d worked so hard to save the money to help in case I didn’t get a scholarship.
In the early days, after she died, I felt guilty that she worked so hard for me and didn’t even get to enjoy her life. After a while, my energy had shifted towards making the café a success.
Lost in my thoughts, I didn’t even notice Joel sitting up next to me until he had his arm around my waist and leaned his head on my shoulder. I turned my head and kissed him.
“You were somewhere else just now,” he said.
“Yeah, I was thinking about mom. How she’d worked so hard and didn’t have enough time to enjoy it all before she died.”
Joel was quiet for a bit, and then he asked, “Do you ever wonder about your dad?”
That was an unexpected question, and I could only reply honestly.
“Yes.” I got up and held my hand to Joel to pull him up.
We walked toward the water, and I put an arm around his waist making the most of our small height difference.
“When I was ten, I think, I asked her about my dad. She told me that he was a very nice man.”
“That’s it?” he asked.
“Yeah, that’s all she said at the time. A few years later I decided to ask for more information. I’d been watching these shows on TV about DNA and genealogy, and I was curious about where I came from. I was happy with my mom and wouldn’t change our life for the world, but I was curious, you know?”
“Yeah, I get that. So what happened? Did you ask?”
“No. I never got the chance. The day I was going to ask she came home, sat me down and told me she had cancer. Suddenly I didn’t care about anything else. All I wanted was to help my mom get better.”
“But she never did.” It was a statement rather than a question.
“No.”
We walked along the beach for a while with our feet occasionally catching the waves.
“What about now?” Joel asked.
“I don’t know. I’d like to know who he is, where he is, and if he’s alive. But I don’t know where to start looking.”
Thinking about my mom was always good and sad in equal measure. I liked talking about her because it kept her memory alive but it also made me miss her.
Thinking about my dad was different. Sometimes you’re afraid of going down a particular road because you’re unsure of what you may find there. You can be excited at the prospect of finding nice buildings, some shops, interesting people, but you may also find it to be derelict, filled with trash and bad people. The thing is, you don’t know unless you take the turn and find out. And that’s where I was, in a constant battle of wills between going down that road and staying put.
“How about we get back to our spot? I could do with a cold drink.” Joel said.
“Best idea you’ve had all day,” I said smiling at him.
“Oh it isn’t, it’s just the best one I said out loud.”
We spent the rest of the afternoon on the beach. We weren’t in a rush to go back home early since I still had a few days off work, so we decided to have dinner at a local seafood restaurant that was well known for its fresh seafood and great service.
On our way to the restaurant my phone rang. I hadn’t had any calls all week I’d almost forgot I had the phone with me. I looked at the screen and saw it was Isaac.
“Olá Isaac, tudo bem?” I held the phone with one hand and reached out for Joe’s hand with the other.
“You tell me. I don’t see you for a few weeks and next thing I know you can’t take your eyes off your mystery guest in your video. Who is he?”
“Erm, just a friend,” I said looking at Joel who was looking back at me with reticence in his eyes.
“It didn’t look like just a friend. Have you watched your video back? I don’t think anyone is going to be following the recipe when they can watch the sexual tension unfurl on screen instead,” he laughed, and I could imagine he’d be elbowing me if he was here.
“That’s not--“
“Oh my God, David, is that Joel with you in the video?”
I’d told Isaac about Joel a few years ago. We’d gone out to a club in Lisbon where he now lives and was he determined to get me to hook up with one of two guys that were hitting on us. I ended up drunk on Isaac’s sofa telling him why I couldn’t hook up with any guys. I went as far as saying I didn’t think I was gay at all because I didn’t like any guys other than Joel.
He’d, of course, laughed at my statement but I felt his support for the feelings I was carrying for a person I hadn’t seen in years.
“Sim,” I acknowledged, “that’s him,” when I said that Joel’s eyes narrowed as though he knew we were talking about him.
“Look, was there a reason for your call? I’m about to catch dinner, so I have to go.” I said trying to end the conversation.
“Sim, sim. I was checking that you were still up for that custard tart making class with the kids in a couple of days. They’re really looking forward to it.”
“Sure, it’s in my diary; I wouldn’t miss it for the world. It’s been a while since I was at the center and I miss those kids. I’ll see you in two days, yeah?”
“Awesome, see you then. Bye.”
I ended the call and walked into the restaurant with Joel. He was quiet as we were shown to our table by the waiter. The restaurant wasn’t very big. There were a few salt water tanks with lobsters and crabs waiting to be chosen by customers for their meals. Most tables were filled with local people, which I loved to see since it meant the food was of good quality.
“What do you feel like eating?” I asked, but Joel kept his face down, looking at the menu, so I persisted, “Joel, is everything ok?”
“I’m not very hungry, I’ll just have a snack.”
“What are you talking about? You said you were starving only a while ago.” I was struggling to think what had happened to change his mood. Did I do anything wrong?
The waiter interrupted us asking if we wanted any drinks. I ordered a soda since I was driving and Joel ordered bottled water.
When the waiter left to get our drinks I couldn’t wait any longer. I hated this tension, so I left my side of the table and moved my chair so I was sitting next to him. I grabbed his hand under the table and gave it a squeeze.
“Sweetheart, are you ok? Did I do anything to upset you?
“No, I’m just a little jealous,” he said keeping his gaze down.
“What are you jealous of?”
“The phone call reminded me that the outside world was bound to intrude on our time together and you won’t be just mine anymore.”
His eyes were shiny and so earnest I just wanted to hold him close and kiss it all away. I chose to ignore his last statement because I was going to address it later. In bed. Naked.
“Isaac was just confirming an arrangement we had for me to go to the center and teach the kids to make custard tarts. Would you like to come and help me?”
His smile was suddenly wide and bright, “yes, can I? I’d love to meet Isaac and see the work he does for the kids.”
“I’m not sure it’s a good thing to get you and Isaac in the same location. You know too much about my past, and he knows too much about my present,” I teased.
“I’m hoping there are things about your present only I know,” he elbowed me, and I chuckled.
Even though we were back to our happy mood, I didn’t move my chair. Throughout dinner I kept my hand on Joel’s thigh in a show of affection and possession.
I didn’t care what time we got back to my apartment or what time we would finally fall asleep. Tonight I was going to show Joel how much I was truly his.
Chapter Twenty
Joel
David had been flirty and very touchy-feely throughout dinner. Even though the restaurant had been fairly busy, he hadn’t seemed bothered by the presence of other people, nor did he stop touching me and feeding me the occas
ional piece of seafood.
I didn’t know what to think of his behavior. I wasn’t naive enough to believe he was suddenly ready to be out and proud, but his public displays of affection were doing a number on me. If he carried on like this, my heart was going to start believing this was all really happening.
I had to be careful, or I’d end up being hurt. As it was, I knew I was already halfway in love with him, maybe even more. My phone buzzed in my pocket making me jump. It was a good thing I wasn’t the one driving the car. I pulled the phone out and saw a message from Max.
>MAX: Hey Joebug, hows things? Missing your favorite person much?
>JOEL: Hi Max. All good here. Just getting back home from a few days away exploring.
>MAX: You? Exploring? On your own? Are you joking?
>JOEL: No, I’m with a friend.
>MAX: What?? I’m not your only friend? I’m hurt. Is he sexy?
>JOEL: Goodbye Max.
>MAX: haha I was joking, but I do want to hear about this friend of yours. Work has been kicking my ass, and I really miss you. Fuck, I can’t wait to see you in a few days.
>JOEL: Me too buddy. Speak soon.
I put the phone back in my pocket. I was looking forward to seeing Max and spending time with him, but now even he was a bit of that reality that threatened to burst the Joel and David bubble. I took a deep breath to shake those feelings off.
David took my hand where it was resting on my lap and held it up for a kiss. It was like he could feel I was a little off and without needing more detail he just did what he could to make it better.
Why couldn’t it always be like this? Why couldn’t he be out to his family so we could be together properly? He didn’t seem to have a problem with strangers knowing he was gay, after all. Even as the thoughts ran through my mind, I knew the impossibility of what I was asking.
Even if David was out, it didn’t mean he’d be with me. I didn’t even live in the country, and there was no way I would put David through the hardship of a long distance relationship.
