by Ana Newfolk
“I was talking to Teresa this week, she said you were on holiday.”
What the fuck? What was he hinting at? Since when did he talk to my aunt?
“She’s such a lovely woman, so caring...”
I didn’t like his tone of voice, and I could feel he was about to say something I wasn’t going to want to hear.
“What are you getting at, Lucas?”
“Teresa was saying how it would be so nice if you found yourself a good girl to settle down with. What would she think if she knew her only nephew likes to take it up the ass?”
This guy wasn't just crude for effect, he was also threatening to out me to my aunt. Fuck.
Suddenly I was in panic mode. I didn’t know Lucas very well, but by the sole fact he was talking to me like this made me trust that he would quite happily say something innocent to my aunt that would make the truth come out before I was ready.
In the last few days, I’d grown more and more attached to the idea of coming out to my aunt. Being with Joel showed me how good it could be to be free to be myself with another person. I wanted that person to be Joel, but I didn’t know how that was going to work out with him being in New York. I figured we’d work that out once I talked to my aunt.
One thing was certain; I wasn’t going to let myself be bullied by this guy.
“Are you threatening me, Lucas?” I asked getting in his face, hoping to sound more confident and menacing than I currently felt.
“Most definitely not, honey, I was hoping we could come to an arrangement, that’s all.”
“You can shove your arrangement up your ass, Lucas because I’m not allowing myself to be bullied by a little piece of shit like you. Got it?”
I saw a look of defiance in his eyes, but I chose to ignore it and got up to leave the club.
Once I was in a taxi to the train station I sent Isaac a text saying I was making my way home by train. I hadn’t seen him in the club since Joel and Max left, so I knew there was a chance he’d gone home with that other guy.
Once I was on the train home, I felt myself shaking with anxiety. I’d fucked things up with Joel. I’d dismissed everything that had happened between us in a heartbeat because I was afraid. It was already past midnight, but I couldn’t wait until tomorrow to talk to him. I felt like my body would crawl out of my skin if I did.
When I arrived at Joel’s apartment, I knocked on the door several times until it finally opened. Max opened the door and stepped out looking like he could chew my head off.
“What are you doing here, David?”
“Max, please I need to speak to Joel.”
“He doesn’t want to see you, and quite frankly I don’t blame him.”
“I know, I messed up, but I need to talk to him. He doesn’t know how I feel.”
My voice sounded more and more desperate with each word I said.
“I think he does. You’re afraid to come out of the closet, that’s your choice. He’s worth more than that David, and if you didn’t know that before tonight, nothing you say from now on will make a difference because it will just be damage control.”
Without leaving me any time to say a word, Max went back inside the apartment leaving me staring at the closed door. Not that it would have made a difference because I now knew there was nothing I could say to change what I’d done.
I’d totally screwed up my relationship with Joel.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Joel
I tossed and turned in bed but couldn’t sleep, every single time I looked at the clock, it seemed like time was frozen. I was glad to be in my parent’s old bedroom because from here I couldn’t see the opposite apartment to mine, although it seemed pointless to be in my bed if I couldn’t sleep while Max was on the small single bed of my childhood bedroom.
I kept running what had happened at the club through my mind like a film reel. If only I could grab a pair of scissors and edit out the parts that hurt and keep just the best ones.
Flirting with David had felt so damned right, we’d joked and teased each other on the dance floor. When I noticed something was happening between Max and Isaac, David had been beside me. I’d been surprised to see that David’s first reaction was to check in on Max and make sure he was ok.
When Max confirmed to me that Isaac was the same Isaac he met in New York last Christmas my heart broke for him.
When we’d received the news of my parents’ car accident six months ago, we’d both been taken on a rollercoaster of events we hadn’t been prepared for.
I’d lost my parents, and Max lost the only parents he knew that had loved him like a son. We were both grieving and trying to support each other. In those early days, he’d spent all his time at my apartment, and I’m ashamed to say I’d completely forgotten about the reason why Max had come to my apartment the day we received the news.
My best friend looked like his heart was breaking but he also seemed confused. My first thought was that I needed to get him out of the club. We could talk it through later.
I was surprised when David asked Max if he wanted to go home before I’d had the chance. If I had any doubts about how much I loved David then, I definitely knew for sure the moment he put my friend first. That is until everything changed.
I’d seen the guy earlier before he’d approached us at the club, and should have guessed by how he was eyeing us on the dance floor that he knew David.
He was dressed in a pair of white jeans that looked like they were painted on and a white shirt that may as well not be there for all the skin I could see underneath. There was nothing real about the guy’s tan, which was odd in a country where you can sunbathe even on mild winter days.
The all-white combo didn’t do anything for me although it usually didn’t bother me either, in this guy it just made him look like an innocent predator. He’d accessorized with a paisley scarf that made his streaky blonde and pink hair stand out.
His eyes, however, had been locked on David. My first thought was that he liked what he saw. I couldn’t disagree, David was stunning, and he was wearing an ensemble of jeans and shirt that for all its modesty and simplicity didn’t fail to show how fit he was.
I didn’t care if the guy was looking or not, David was with me so he could look all he wanted, but when his gaze went from appreciative to defiant, I felt my hackles rise.
We’d gone to the dance floor to give Max and Isaac some space. I could see from David’s expression he had no idea what was going on, so I pulled him away before the situation became any more awkward.
When David asked what was going on, I’d just said Max and David had met in New York. I’d need to verify that Isaac really was Max’s Isaac but I was pretty sure there was no need. Both guys were looking at each other like they either wanted to tear each other apart or tear each other’s clothes off, possibly both.
David and I had been swaying to the beat of the music, not putting all that much effort into the dancing but the shift in white outfit guy’s gaze pulled me into action.
I’d put my hands on David to mark my territory and whispered in his ear. When he’d leaned further against me pressing his ass into my front, I’d all but forgotten white outfit guy, Max, and Isaac, or anything else but David.
The moment had been perfect, sexy flirting and a little bit of teasing grinding. As far as I was concerned, it was a prelude for another mind-blowing night together. I was about to kiss David when my eyes briefly landed on our table, and I saw Max and Isaac were no longer alone.
A tall, blonde haired guy had his arms around Isaac. I couldn’t see Max’s reaction, but it looked like Isaac hadn’t been particularly happy with the other man’s advances. It surprised me when Isaac suddenly left the table with the other guy.
We went back to Max and had agreed to leave the club when white outfit guy came over and sat down right next to David, too close to be a stranger as far as I was concerned.
“Well, if it isn’t the extraordinaire custard tart man.” The guy’
s voice grated on me and made the small hairs on my arms stand to attention. He definitely wasn’t good news.
I’d been surprised that David knew him, but from his reaction, it didn’t look like they were close friends. In fact, David seemed to flinch at the guy, Lucas’, touch.
I expected David to put Lucas in his place and tell him to go, or at least tell him we were going, but the conversation took on an unexpected turn when Lucas seemed to be seeking confirmation of David’s sexuality while also coming on to him as though Max and I weren’t there.
David saying he was there with friends but he wasn’t gay hurt, but it wasn’t unexpected. I could see he was in panic mode and the fear of this person outing him was all over his face. When he’d lied and then dismissed Max and me it was just too much.
If he’d put his hand through my chest, ripped my heart out and shredded it into pieces before stomping on them, it still wouldn’t have hurt half as much as hearing him say it was all a game and that Max and I were leaving. Together. Without him.
I pulled Max out of the club, nearly dragging him from his chair. I could only hope that my anger was masking my heartbreak. I wasn’t going to give Lucas the satisfaction of knowing exactly how I felt about David, especially after our earlier exchange from afar when we were on the dance floor.
I’d parked the car near the club, which made for a swift exit. I’d been trying to keep it together, but when the car key started playing up and refusing to turn to unlock the door, I just collapsed on my knees and broke down in tears.
Max quickly came round and held me in his arms. I’d let out long shuddering sobs while holding on to his shirt.
“Max.”
“Shhh, it’s ok, let it out.”
“I... can’t... do it, Max,” each of my words were coming out in between my breaths as I tried to get air back into my lungs, “Can’t. Do it.”
“Let’s go home Joebug, Do you want me to drive?”
I nodded and gave him the car keys.
When we got home, Max made me get in the shower to warm up since I was shivering despite the relatively mild temperature. Then he made me a sweet tea, which was something my mom used to do for us when we were stressed about school or upset with something, and then he laid down with me in bed.
I couldn’t talk because I was trying to process what had happened. My heart was breaking, but my head was still trying to find an excuse or a reason for David’s words.
Ultimately doubt won. I just had to accept that what had happened between David and me in the last few weeks had meant different things to each of us.
While I’d fallen completely head over heels in love with David, he didn’t feel the same way about me. Maybe he’d started to fall, but he wasn’t in as deep as I was.
Having Max with me was comforting, but I just wanted to be on my own, so after a while, I closed my eyes and tried to regulate my breaths, so I looked like I was asleep. I felt him leave the room shortly after. I’d also hoped that focusing on my breathing would eventually bring on the elusive sleep, but that didn’t happen. Not until it was light outside and my body was too tired to fight it.
When I’d woken up, it was dark again. I wondered if I’d slept all day, but the clock on the bedside table showed it was two in the afternoon, so I guessed Max had come in the room at some point to close the curtains.
I found Max sitting on the sofa facing the open balcony door staring at the outside world. I wondered how he was feeling and what exactly had happened last night, but I didn’t have the energy to revisit it all.
I sat next to him, and he put his arm around me.
“You ok, Joebug?”
“No.”
“David came here last night.”
I sat up at that, “What?”
“I’m sorry, I should have told you. You were in the shower,” Max ran his hands through his hair and then fisted them on his lap, “I was so angry with him, and Isaac, I’m so sorry, I took it out on him and sent him away,”
I sat back again, “It doesn’t matter anyway, this can’t be fixed.”
“I also did something while you were asleep this morning.”
He looked a little embarrassed, as though he’d stepped out of line and was afraid to say so. It almost made me chuckle, and I would have if my chest didn’t feel like I’d been stamped on.
“What did you do?”
“I booked us a few nights away. Nothing fancy, just a hotel room in a small village in the Algarve. I didn’t realize it was so far away from here, but it just looked ideal to escape for a few days.”
This was why we’d been friends all these years. Max and I knew each other so well, and no matter what happened we came first every single time. I did need to escape from it all. Even if only for a few days.
When I’d broken up with Lance when I realized Lance wasn’t the person I thought he was, Max had packed my bags and taken me to my grandmother’s house in the Hamptons. We both had keys since I’d insisted that it was as much his house to use as it was mine. I hadn’t even known where we were going until I noticed the road signs.
There were no Hamptons in Portugal, so Max did the next best thing because he was thinking about me, something David had failed to do. The thought caused a fresh batch of tears to stream down my face.
“So, what do you say Joebug?”
“I love you, Max. Thank you.”
“I love you too Bud.”
Around six o’clock there was a knock on the door. My eyes were red-rimmed from crying, and I had dark circles under my eyes, so we hadn’t left the apartment all day because I didn’t want to risk bumping into anyone I knew. We decided to pack our bags and take it easy for the day.
My granddad was the last person I expected to see on the other side of the door. He mostly kept to himself unless we were having a heart to heart, which meant my grandmother had sent him.
“Avô, come in,” I opened the door to let him in and noticed he was holding a carrier bag.
“Olá filho, your grandmother was worried she hadn’t seen you all day and sent me with some food.”
“You mean sent you to snoop.” I laughed.
“Yeah,” he shrugged, “she thought you were coming over for breakfast this morning, but you didn’t show up, then she stopped by the café and Teresa said David wasn’t there because he’s sick. So I’m here with food.”
“Thanks, Granddad, but David isn’t here.” I wasn’t sure how much to tell him, so I say nothing.
“What’s going on Joel?”
“Nothing’s going on granddad. I haven’t seen David since last night. Max and I are going away for a few days.”
“David isn’t going with you?”
“No.”
My granddad seemed to understand that I wasn’t going to say much more. He probably thought we’d had a fallout and would be back to being friends again soon.
“Ok, I’ll tell your grandmother you’ll be by tomorrow for breakfast before you go.” The way he looked at me told me there wasn’t a question or request in his words. I better go to breakfast, or I’d never hear the end of it. God, I loved my grandparents so much.
We didn’t dare miss breakfast the next morning and quite strangely there were no questions about where David was or if we’d had a fallout. Maybe we’d been such great actors that it hadn’t occurred to my grandparents that David and I had been more than friends.
My great-grandmother asked is about where we were going and what we were planning on doing.
“We’ve only just got a new head nurse at the hospital to replace Sílvia, so between picking up extra shifts and additional responsibility, it’s been quite stressful. Rest and recuperation by the beach are just what we need.” Max said.
“But you have the beach here,” my grandmother said.
“We’re just taking the opportunity to show Max a bit more of the country, avó.”
They seemed to accept what we said, but at the back of my mind, there was a feeling that maybe there was some
thing behind their too easy acceptance of our reasons for going away.
As Max had predicted, we spent all the time we’d been away on the beach or by the pool. Max said he could explore the country another time, and I was thankful for it because I didn’t remember a time when I’d felt as exhausted as I did right now.
I would wake up much later than usual for me, and despite doing very little all day, I was in bed by ten o’clock each night. I’d also lost my appetite, something that Max had noticed because he kept trying to feed me using the excuse that he needed to try all the amazing Portuguese food.
We’d also not talked about David or Isaac. Not a single word. Part of me was glad that we hadn’t, but another part of me wanted to talk about it. The way we’d both got through hard times in the past had always been by talking about it.
Max seemed like he was back to normal and I wasn’t sure if the situation with Isaac hadn’t been that big of a deal, or if he was just too good at hiding it, even from me.
Whatever it was, he wasn’t talking about it, and neither was I.
On our drive back to Caparica my phone buzzed with a text from my cousin, and I made a decision.
I just needed to see my grandparents first.
Chapter Twenty-Five
David
I couldn’t blame Max for asking me to leave after I came back to Joel’s apartment the night we went to the club. I was glad he had someone in his corner to fight for him.
I couldn’t change what I’d done, and Max was right, anything I said now would look like damage control. I’d done irreparable harm to my relationship with Joel because I was afraid to be outed by a jackass whose word was unlikely to be believed by anyone I knew, anyway.
All I wanted now was to apologize to Joel.
I would have to set aside my feelings for him to make sure my actions didn’t cause any more heartache to people we both cared about.
I was in love with Joel, it was as simple as that. I probably had been since the day we kissed on the beach as teenagers. Having the opportunity to get to know Joel as an adult was the best gift I could have asked for. Everything else that happened was a dream, and something I’d never thought I’d experience in my lifetime.
