by Ana Newfolk
Maybe one day in the far distant future I would find myself in a relationship, maybe even with another man, but I knew it would never be as deep and meaningful as what I had with Joel. The thought that I’d nearly had it all and thrown it away made me feel sick to my core.
It was all my fault, and I would undoubtedly spend the rest of my life hating myself for it, but there was one thing I could still do. I needed to make sure that my actions didn’t have any consequences for Joel’s grandparents.
Once I’d come home that night, I’d felt physically sick and had spent all night on the bathroom floor. Between that and crying until I passed out, I’d mainly felt guilty and sorry for myself.
I’d finally managed to get off the floor and had a shower around midday. I’d called my aunt to say I wasn’t feeling well and would stay home, probably for a few days. She asked if there was anything she could do to help, but I didn’t want her to come here and see me like this.
I was feeling too brittle to stop myself from crumbling and just blurting out everything I was carrying in my heart.
Joel may not want to see me again, but I needed to speak to him. I needed to make sure he wasn’t going to go back to New York to never return again. It would kill his grandparents, and I knew it would kill him too not to see his family. Even if I had to make sure I was never in the area again whenever he came back, I needed to make sure he did come back.
When I finally mustered enough courage to go to his apartment he wasn’t there. I’d seen Violeta on my way back to my apartment, and she’d told me he and Max had gone away for a few days.
I’d made it to my apartment just in time to run straight to the bathroom where I was sick. I didn’t even know how I could still be sick when I didn’t remember the last time I’d eaten. He was already gone. I knew it wasn’t permanent because he’d have to be back before he left for New York, but in my mind, this was the first step to him being gone forever.
That night I spent the whole night in my old bedroom sitting on my office chair facing Joel’s apartment. His bedroom door was closed because he wasn’t there, but the memories of the nights we’d spent talking to each other over the balconies came to me all the same.
Eventually, I replaced the chair with the love seat from the living room because it was more comfortable. My body was demanding sleep, but I was scared I’d miss him, so I kept looking across the street. There was no movement or lights on, there was just silence and darkness, for the next two days.
When my body was too exhausted to stare across the street without wanting to crash out I read the journal. I went through each post our moms wrote, trying to find some comfort in their words. Each time I read it, I couldn’t reach the end because the tears made it hard to see, and I didn’t want to damage it.
I didn’t know how much heartache I could take. For every hour Joel didn’t return I felt like I was closer and closer to a breaking point. I didn’t know what would happen if I did break. Maybe I already had, and how I was feeling was what I was meant to feel. This is what happened when you break someone’s heart. This is how you pay.
He’d said he loved me in his sleep. Why didn’t I grab that gift with both hands?
After five days of Joel being gone, I finally saw something. I ran across the road to his apartment.
“Joel,” I knocked, “I need to speak to you, please.”
Once again Max opened the door, but only to walk past me leaving the door open. I didn’t want to just walk in so I called out from the door, “Joel?”
“Come in.” I heard his voice from inside the apartment. I walked in and saw him standing in the middle of his living room, his arms crossed as though he was trying to protect himself.
As soon as I looked into his eyes, the last remains of my heart broke. I saw resolution in them. Whatever strength he had he was channeling it all into what he had decided.
“I’m too late, aren’t I?” I asked.
“Too late for what?”
“To ask that you don’t leave forever again.”
“You don’t have the right to ask me anything, David.”
“I know,” tears were streaming down my face, I wiped them with my hands and tried to say what I needed to say, “Joel... I know I hurt you--“
“No, you don’t David,” he cried, “you don’t know how I feel, because if you knew, then you’d know that I fucking loved you and that I would have been there for you while you worked your stuff out. But you know what? I’m better than being a secret, and I don’t want to lie to the only family I have left.
More than anything, I am not going to be cast aside, and my role in your life stomped on so you can keep your secret.”
He wiped the tears in his eyes and turned around so he was no longer facing me.
“Say what you want to say and then leave. I’m going home soon and have stuff to do.”
Home, he was going home to New York because that’s where his home was. Not here with his grandparents, or with me.
“I... I just wanted to ask that you come back. Your grandparents talked about you all the time. They missed you growing up. If you don’t want to see me ever again I understand... but please come back for them. If you want I can go away when you come back so you don’t have to see me but, please--“
“Ok,” that’s all he said, and I’d have to take it. It was also goodbye.
When I got back to my apartment, the front door was ajar. I walked in thinking I’d been so focused on getting to Joel I’d forgotten to close the door, but then I found my aunt and uncle both sitting in the living room.
My aunt came to me as soon as I walked in and put her arms around me. I didn’t think it was possible to cry any more than I already had in the last few days, but I was wrong because as soon as I felt her embrace and smelled her perfume, I broke down.
“Tia...”
“Sweetheart, what’s going on? You’re worrying us.”
“I... I...” I couldn’t even say it. I was so scared. I’d lost my mom, and I’d lost Joel, I couldn’t lose my aunt and uncle too.
“Come take a sit, I’ll get you some water.”
I sat down facing my uncle. He looked worried and regretful.
My aunt came back with a glass of water, which I drank almost in one gulp. I suddenly felt guilty that I hadn’t looked after myself and was now worrying my family.
“David,” my aunt said, “you know you’re more than a nephew to us, don’t you? You have been my son since the day you were born, more so since your mom left us.”
I looked at my uncle, and there was a small smile on his lips. He nodded. Once upon a time, he’d treated me as a son, and I looked up to him as a father. I wondered if there was anything of that relationship left.
“Tia, tio,” I addressed both of them. I knew there was only one thing I could do. Take the last shred of hope I had and grab it. Tell them the truth. They deserved to know.
“I’m gay,” my eyes flickered between both. My uncle froze. My aunt covered her mouth with her hands and let out a sound I wasn’t sure was a sob or something else.
I couldn’t see for all the tears in my eyes. I was so fucking tired of crying.
I couldn’t face them anymore, so I looked down and covered my face with my hands. I felt a shift on the sofa next to me and then a small body holding me from my left. Seconds later I felt a larger body holding me to my right.
The three of us stayed locked in our embrace for a long time.
I was going to speak, but my uncle spoke first.
“I’m sorry, son.” He pulled back and was looking at me with tears in his eyes, “I’ve done despicable things, I’ve treated you in ways you didn’t deserve, but it wasn’t because I didn’t love you. Quite the opposite, it was because I loved you.”
“What?” I shouted, suddenly feeling quite angry.
“You’ve called me a barricade of names, you threatened me and--“ my aunt interrupted me putting his hands on mine.
“Joel, your uncle has a few
things to say. He may not deserve that you hear them, but I am asking you that you do.”
I looked at my uncle again and nodded for him to continue.
“Some things happened before you were born, David. I’m going to tell you about them. I had all intention of taking them to the grave with me but... recently I’ve thought that maybe that is the wrong thing to do.
I was born in Porto and had a younger brother, Vítor. My parents moved us all to this area when I was fourteen because my father had a job in construction. My dad was a hard man, very traditional and the only way he knew to discipline us when we did something wrong was with a cane.”
I saw him flinch at the memory he was recollecting, but I didn’t interrupt.
“Vítor was a shy kind of boy and very thoughtful. He liked to draw houses, and always had a drawing pad with him. We used to joke that one day he would be an architect, even though we knew we couldn’t afford for either of us to go to university.
My father thought men were supposed to be tough and respected. When he drank, which was quite often, Vítor was his target. I tried to help him and deflect the situation as often as I could, which worked most of the time.
As we grew up, I became close to this beautiful girl. She was all I could think about and I spent all my time talking to her and telling her how great she was and that one day I was going to marry her.”
He looked at my aunt with so much love in his eyes I knew he was talking about her.
“Anyway, as we grew older Vítor became a bit more withdrawn, and I was so caught up in my own life I didn’t bother to find out what had changed.
When he was 23 he was seen by someone local kissing another man in a club. They told my parents, and my dad beat him up so badly he was in the hospital for a week.
Even though I wanted to see my brother I couldn’t. Your aunt was pregnant at the time, and I was afraid of what would happen if we showed any sign of support.”
“What? You were pregnant?” I asked my aunt.
“I miscarried shortly after and then was told we couldn’t have any children.” There was a sad smile on her face. I’d known they wanted kids and couldn’t have them, but I didn’t know they’d been close to having one.
“Carry on, tio.”
“My dad had said some horrible things about my brother, and to a certain degree, I believed him. I was going to talk to Vítor as soon as he was out of the hospital but he disappeared.”
“He disappeared?”
“Yes, I don’t know where he went. One day he was just gone. We haven’t seen him since.”
“Did you look for him?” I asked.
“I did. I tried to find him behind my father’s back, but when we lost the baby, everything was too hard to cope with.
After a while, I was just so angry with everything. I was angry because we lost the baby. I was angry because Vítor had left, and even angrier because he was gone for being gay.”
He paused for a moment, and it was when I knew he was going to talk about me. It was written in his eyes.
“I saw you and Joel kiss when you were thirteen at the beach. I had a delivery to make to one of the restaurants nearby. I knew you would be there, so I was going to check if you wanted a lift home.
When I saw you, I was immediately taken back to that time before my brother went missing.
I was terrified that I’d lose you because you’re gay and also angry that you were.”
“We were only kids, tio, even I didn’t know what it all meant. I guess I realized it then that I liked Joel and maybe I liked boys rather than girls, but it was all so confusing.”
“I know that now. I think I knew it then too. I tried to ignore it, but when I saw you with that boy a few years later, I just lost it.”
I knew he was talking about the time he saw me with Isaac when his parents had kicked him out.
“Did you know all of this?” I asked my aunt.
“Not all, I knew a few things, especially about Vítor, but I didn’t know about you.” She touched my face to clean my tear streaks.
“Your uncle is in trouble with me,” she winked, “but we talked about it, and I know his heart. He’s loved you like a son you from the day you were born. You should have seen his face when we visited you and your mom in the hospital. I know he’s done and said things that have broken your relationship but give him a chance.
I’ve seen you with Joel in the last few weeks. There’s more than just friendship between you, isn’t there?”
“There was. I hurt him, tia, and I don’t think he’ll ever want to speak to me again.”
“David, if he loves you he’ll forgive you.”
“I don’t know,” I looked down at where my hands were on my lap, “I just came back from his apartment. He doesn’t want to see me anymore. Tia, I’m scared he’ll go away and never return again.”
“David, tell me, what was it that brought you two together?”
“The journal,” there was no hesitation, the journal had been my way to have some time with him and get to know him again.
“Then use it as your way back to him,” She took out two envelopes from her handbag and put them in my hands, “start with the journal.”
I couldn’t believe I was talking to my aunt and uncle about this. Never had I dared to hope to have a relationship with them if I came out. It brought fresh tears to my eyes.
“We’re going now. Please look after yourself, and remember, we love you no matter what.” She gave me a kiss and a hug.
“We do, son.” My uncle hugged me too, and whispered in my ear, “I love you, son, I’m so sorry.”
My aunt and uncle left me sitting on my sofa feeling like my world had just shifted, and I didn’t know what to do with myself.
Suddenly I felt like everything that had happened in the last week caught up with me and the only way for my body to recover was to shut down. I forced myself to have a glass of water before I went to bed.
It was already past ten in the evening when I woke up. I felt more rested than I had in years, even when I’d slept with Joel. Sleeping and waking up with Joel gave me some respite from the weight on my shoulders. It was so easy to focus on him because it meant I didn’t have to face my fears, but now those fears were gone, there was a different kind of weight pulling me down.
I decided to take my aunt’s advice and look in the journal for guidance. I got up, took a shower and prepared something to eat before I went to the spare room and sat on the love seat facing Joel’s apartment and opened the journal on my lap.
Joel’s balcony door was still closed.
I just hoped that wasn’t the case for his heart.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Joel
The last thing Max told me before he went through the departures gates at Lisbon airport was to put all of my feelings of hurt aside and listen to David.
“I saw you together Joel, I saw how he looked at you. There is no doubt that he’s in love with you. What he did was bad, but not unforgivable, after all, we all do things we regret when we’re scared.”
He hugged me tightly before he looked me in the eyes as if to check I really did listen to what he’d said.
“I will talk to him, Dr. Cupid.”
“That’s nurse Cupid if you please. Call me soon, I’ll be at yours trying not to kill your plants.”
And with that, he left to go back to New York.
The truth is that what Max had said wasn’t too far from what I’d already been thinking. That didn’t mean I wasn’t still hurting, but I was starting to think about the situation differently.
Maybe Max was right, and David did love me. There would be no future for us that way, but we could still be friends. I couldn’t expect him to be open about his sexuality if he wasn’t ready for it or didn’t want to, but we could be friends.
It was with that mantra in my mind that I decided I would go straight to David’s apartment from the airport. There was no reason to delay the conversation, and I missed h
im so much.
I knocked on David’s door and waited. No answer. Daylight coming from under the door told me he had to be home because when he wasn’t, he would pull the shutters down to keep the apartment cool. After a minute, and another knock, I realized that maybe he wasn’t home, so I decided to come back later.
As I was coming down the stairs to the front entrance of the building I saw David coming out of my building. He was carrying something under his arm and looking down at the floor as he walked across the street, almost like he didn’t want to engage with the rest of the world.
He stopped frozen when he opened the door of his building and saw me standing by the bottom step.
“Joel,” he said, “Er... hi.”
From this distance, I could see how tired David looked. He’d lost some weight, his eyes had dark circles under them, and there was no shine to them, no life.
“Hi David, I came to your apartment hoping we could talk but you weren’t there.”
He choked out a laugh, “I went to your apartment, and you weren’t there either.”
“Looks like neither of us is where we are supposed to be.”
A fraction of a smile appeared on his lips, and it made a world of difference to his face.
“Would you like to come upstairs?” He asked, “I know I haven’t got the right to ask you for anything, but I’d like to tell you something.”
“Yeah, sure.”
I followed him up the stairs. The way he was holding himself was so tense. I really wanted to reach out and pull him into my arms, but I had to hear him out first. I couldn’t afford to give myself so readily this time around, even if it was just my friendship.
“Take a seat,” he pointed to the sofa, “would you like a drink?”
“A glass of water, thanks. What happened to the love seat?” I asked as he walked to the kitchen area.
“It’s in my old room.” He came back with two glasses of water and put them on the coffee table. “I’ve...er been staying there a lot.”
