I brushed my fingers along her flushed, wet cheeks. “I had no idea,” I said. “I’d have never gone if I’d known. But, Sage, you’ve got to know now, it’s not your fault—” I began.
She shook her head as another sob hiccupped through her fragile body. Pulling her head back, she looked at me with a tearful gaze, her fingertips against her trembling lips. “No, it’s not yours.”
Her still forceful regret and the remnants of my own swirled through the air, biting and angry. Hopeless and desolate. In the past five years, feeling responsible for Matt’s death, I’d hoped to take her pain away by leaving. To remove the constant reminder that her brother was gone. And to ease my own conscience that it was because of me.
And all the while, I’d only hurt her even more.
“Sage, there will always be a part of us that says what if, but it isn’t your fault and it isn’t mine. Not really,” I assured her. My thumbs caught her tears as I tried to brush them away. “In the years that I was in the Army, I saw quite a few men die. Friends. Guys I didn’t even really like. Some people that I didn’t even know. Civilians or even guys on the other side of my gun. I ran into all that headlong. I wanted something to take this feeling of guilt away. That’s why I left, really.”
Her eyes dropped to the buttons of my shirt and she sniffled softly. I pressed my lips against her forehead and continued. “But I found that there is so little we can actually control. And the guilt that swirled through me, that still does to a certain extent… logically, I know that it wasn’t because of me. And it wasn’t because of you either. It was just a really shitty coincidence.”
“But if I hadn’t—”
“You can’t think that way. All that’s doing is keeping you from living now.”
“It’s hard not to think that way.”
“I know… but I think, deep down, you know that’s not true.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, her watery blue eyes lifting to meet mine. Her lashes were spikey from tears, and her cheeks were flushed the sweetest shade of pink.
“For what now?”
“Everything that’s happening now… this is all my fault, too.”
“Sage—”
“I knew it was wrong. That day you left, I knew what we were doing was wrong. I just… I’d loved you for so long. I couldn’t let you leave without… something. Without telling you, without showing you.”
I pulled her close again, giving her time, feeding her my strength. Trying to absorb some of her remorse and fear. Her tears slowly lessened. Her tremors slowly relaxed. My fingertips brushed through her hair, smoothing it back from her face.
“And now?” I said after a long while, “What do we do now?”
Sage took a deep breath and pulled away slightly, looking over at the wind dancing through the tree branches. “Now, I have to take a back seat. This is about you and Mattie. I need to step back, to allow you to know her. To let her know you. I need to take any feelings I had out of the equation. I need to put Mattie first.”
This wasn’t what I wanted. I didn’t know what I wanted, but it wasn’t this. I did want to know Mattie. I wanted her to know who I was, but keeping Sage at arms’ length… fuck, that was going to be next to impossible.
Yet, she was kind of right. Because there was so much at stake here. A sweet little girl who didn’t deserve the turmoil that seemed to surround Sage and I when we were together. And Sage had already been through so much, herself…
So I nodded gently. “We were friends once. We can do that again, right? For her?”
She nodded and gave me sad smile.
“What if you want to date someone?” My heart lurched at the thought. “What if I do?”
Her gaze dropped for a moment before she bit her lower lip and took a steady breath. “Well, we deal with that when it happens.” Her blue eyes rose to meet mine again. “We trust each other to do what’s best for Mattie.”
“So how do we tell her? How do you think she’ll take it?”
“I work a morning shift tomorrow. I’ll pick her up after daycare and meet you. Maybe at Kian and Brynn’s? Give you some time with her. Without me.”
“Someplace that she knows,” I nodded. “Someplace where she’s comfortable.”
“And don’t worry. She’ll be ecstatic,” she said. “She already thinks you hung the moon. It will be a lot harder on me than it will on her.”
I frowned. “Are you not comfortable with this?”
“I’ve had her all to myself since the day she was born, Conall,” she surmised with a pensive expression. “Giving so much of her to you isn’t easy… but it’s the right thing to do.”
Chapter 16 ~ Daddy
Sage
“Are we going to a class?” Mattie asked. Her never-ending questions echoed around in the car.
“Um, well, Mommy has to run some errands, so I’m taking you to Brynn and Kian’s so you don’t get bored with me.”
“Are we gonna play in the gym?”
“Maybe, but there’s also someone there for you to meet. Someone very important.”
“Who?” she queried.
I glanced into the review mirror and smiled at the confused expression on her cute little face as I pulled the car up in front of Kian’s gym. I turned sideways in the seat to focus on her features. They were so like my own with a hint of Conall here and there.
“Just a sec, let me come help you out of your booster seat.” As I crossed to the back passenger-side door, my mind whirled. How was I going to do this? How would she react? Part of me wanted to jump back in and drive away. I selfishly wanted her to be only my own for a moment longer.
“Well, monkey,” I finally forced out of my dry throat as I unbuckled her from the seat, “your, um… your daddy’s in there.”
Her little mouth fell open. “I have a daddy?” she breathed.
I nodded mutely.
Mattie scrambled out of the car, pushing past me as she raced to the door. The weight of it hindered her progress, her skinny little arms no match for its mass.
“Mommy, hurry!” she exclaimed.
I’d barely budged it as she squeezed inside, and her little light-up shoes flashed with her frantic pace. She shoved at one of the swinging doors in the hallway and stood gaping into the gym. I walked up behind her to see Conall standing with Brynn and Kian. Placing my hands on her shaking little shoulders, I knelt down beside her.
“Mattie, sweetie…” My voice cracked a little. “It’s Conall. He’s your daddy.”
She stepped away from the protection of my arms and slowly stepped towards him, eyeing him suspiciously.
“Hi, kiddo,” Conall said, his own gentle voice tinged with emotion as he knelt down to her level.
“You’re my daddy?” she timidly asked him.
Conall nodded, watching her closely.
“What took you so long to find me?”
“I didn’t know. And your mommy didn’t know where I was to tell me.”
For a second longer, she looked at him, taking her little hands and cupping his cheeks to study his features, cocking her little head to the side. “Will you always be my daddy?”
“Always and forever, Mattie,” he solemnly promised.
Mattie looked back at me for a minute and gave me a crooked little smile. Then her brow twisted with confusion and she turned towards Conall once more. “You married my mommy?” she asked.
Conall glanced at me before answering. “Well, no…” he cautiously said. “I knew your mommy a long time ago. Before you were born.”
My heart was racing, and the room felt devoid of oxygen. I suddenly felt like I was going to crack into two pieces to release a flood of tears. I didn’t want Mattie to see me so upset, so I quickly walked up behind her and gave her a little hug, kissing the top of her head.
“I’ve gotta go,” I hoarsely whispered. “Your daddy will bring you home in a bit, monkey.”
Conall’s face blurred before my eyes as the tears built up and threatened to fa
ll, so I turned and fled from the building and out into the open air.
Conall
Brynn started after Sage, but I held up my hand. “Wait, Brynn. Can you watch Mattie for a minute? Just a minute, let me talk to Sage.”
She looked up at a very concerned Kian who, once again, looked like he wanted to kick my ass. There weren’t many guys I was afraid of, but I got the feeling that he could really put the hurt on someone. He nodded, and I glanced down at Mattie.
“I will be right back, Mattie,” I promised, and headed out the door.
Sage’s car was parked right in front, and she sat in the driver seat with tears streaming down her cheeks. Shaking and sobbing. I crossed over to her, opened her door, and knelt beside her.
“Just don’t hurt my little girl. Don’t leave her like you left me…" A shuddering breath heaved from her chest.
“I’ll never do that, Sage,” I promised as I pulled her towards my rapidly beating heart.
Her voice sounded muffled as she sniffled against my chest. “She’s all I’ve got, the most important thing in my world, and it’s kind of hard for me to share her with you.”
“I know. Thank you. And I promise, Sage,” I murmured as I placed a comforting hand against her cheek and kissed the top of her head, “I promise I’ll do my best to be worthy of this.”
She pulled back and trained her luminous eyes on mine. She looked so beautiful with the flush painting her cheeks… and so frail. A wave of protectiveness swept through me, and I slowly, tenderly touched my lips to hers. A delicate shallow breath escaped her at the faint kiss, at the flash of emotion that flashed through us.
For a long moment, we just looked at each other, almost in a trance. She finally ducked her head.
“You better get in there,” Sage whispered. “She’s been waiting her whole life for you.”
With a small nod, I brushed my thumb across her cheek, kissed her on the tip of her nose, and stood. Taking a few steps back, I watched as Sage started up her car, smiled at me sadly, and drove away.
And fighting a strange lump in my throat, I went back inside to get to know my kid.
Sage
I felt lost. Alone. Afraid.
I drove aimlessly for a while until I ended up at my mom’s apartment in the assisted care facility. Unsure if I was a glutton for punishment or if I was just stupid, I felt the need to tell her that Conall was there. That he knew about Mattie. That he wanted to be a part of her life.
I gave a sharp knock and heard her voice faintly through the heavy door. “Come in.”
Stepping into her apartment, I saw her sitting on the couch in the small living room. She was holding a book with a light blanket tucked around her shoulders.
“Sage, sweetie,” she smiled and looked around behind me. “Where’s Mattie.”
“She’s, um… she’s with Conall.”
My mom’s smile faltered and her eyes went wide. “Conall? He’s here?”
“He’s not here with me, but he is back in town.”
“And he knows about Mattie?” my mom asked.
“Yeah.”
“Well,” she said, “I bet that was quite a surprise.”
I nodded silently, looking down at my hands clasped before me. My mom silently watched me a moment. I could feel her eyes studying me, and I started to wonder why I’d come. Why I’d thought this would be any good for any of us.
And then, just when I could barely resist the urge to bolt, her hand closed warmly over mine. I’d already cried for what seemed like forever that day. The tears had fallen until I felt dehydrated and empty inside. But at the first touch of her hand, my eyes burned with the need to shed even more. I closed them tightly, trying to keep it together.
My mother’s hand squeezed mine, and a faint glimmer of comfort began to infiltrate my lonely heart. I swallowed hard and looked up at her face to see the concern in her eyes. To see a warmth and even a small amount of understanding. A cognizance that hadn’t existed there in years.
“Well, thank goodness,” she whispered.
“What do you mean?”
“Things have been so hard on you, sweetie,” she softly explained. “I always hoped that he would come back to you.”
“He didn’t come back for me, Mom.”
“Why else would he have come back? His mother was long gone even before he left. There isn’t anything else here for him but the ghosts of his past. Of course he came back for you. That boy has loved you forever.”
“Mom—”
“Your dad even saw it. He figured it was inevitable, so he told me he was grooming Conall to be the perfect man for you.” Her sad smile reflected in her eyes. “And then… everything was suddenly so hard, and I just… and I didn’t do well. I was never strong like you, Sage. I always relied on the men in my life to hold me up. When they were all gone, I was no help to you. I blamed everyone who was left for those who were gone. I should have never done that. I’m so sorry.”
My mother’s demeanor over the years drifted in and out of childlike. Right then, her expression and vulnerability reminded me a bit of Mattie, unsure and sorrowful, but innocently and unconditionally loving. Young.
“We kinda blamed ourselves, too, Mom,” I admitted. “I know I did. Conall did, too.”
“Conall…” she sighed sadly. “He was just sure that he was a curse on our family.” She patted my hand, then stood and walked over to a plant by the window, a coleus that had a few leaves turning brown and brittle. Picking them off carefully, she fluffed the remaining foliage and brushed her fingertips along the velvety leaves. “I would love to see him,” she whispered. “I’d love to see the man he’s become. For you.”
I wished for a moment that my mother’s tenuous grasp of reality was a bit more stable. It was sweet that she had the image in her mind of Conall and Mattie and I all living happily ever after. But there was a reason she was living in this place. And, while she was so much better, she’d never totally recovered from her nervous breakdown. Our roles had almost reversed, as though she had become my child. It was uncomfortable and painful because I still yearned for my mother to kiss my boo-boos and make them better.
“I’ll talk to him,” I told her. “See if he’ll stop by.” I rubbed my palms against the legs of my jeans, and took a deep breath. “Well, Mom, I’m going to go to the store and get groceries before Conall brings Mattie home. See what it’s like shopping without the constant begging and pleading.”
“It was nice to see you, sweetie,” she said with a smile. “Give Mattie a hug for me. And Conall, too.”
Give Conall a hug for her? That would be more than a little awkward.
Walking out to my car, I checked my phone, seeing that Brynn had tried to call. In a panic thinking maybe something had happened with Mattie and Conall, I called her back without even checking the voicemail.
“Hello,” she answered.
“You called,” I gasped. “What’s wrong?”
“Um, nothing,” she said slowly. “I was just going to see how you were doing. To see if you wanted to run a few errands with me to take your mind of things. You kinda sound like you’re freaking out.”
“I am a little,” I replied. “How’d Mattie do with Conall after I left?”
“They’re kinda two peas in a pod, Sage. I think they’ll be fine. Mattie was making all kinds of plans. Target. Kitties. Dairy Queen. Conall even had a brand new car seat in his truck for her, just like the one in your car.”
“Okay,” I sighed in relief. “Good, I guess.”
“So, how are you doing?” Sage repeated.
“Went to see my mom.”
“Oh… geez,” she groaned. “Did you tell her about Conall?”
“Yep. And she’s got all kinds of wacky ideas about a happily ever after.”
“You know, they may not be so wacky, Sage. But, regardless, I’m going to get your mind off things. Where are you at now?”
“Just leaving Mom’s apartment.”
“Okay, meet me
at your place. I have somewhere I want to take you.”
Sage
Brynn’s idea to keep me from dwelling on Conall and Mattie certainly did exactly that.
She pulled up in front of a little store that I hadn’t even known existed.
“What is this, some sort of small boutique or salon something?” I asked. It was hard to tell just what sort of shop it was. The windows were tinted dark and a faint shadow of lace could barely be seen. No displays. No signs other than the scripted one over the door that read “Eden.”
“Or something…” she smiled with a shrug. “I need to pick up a surprise for Kian. Come on…”
I followed her into the dimly lit store, and was immediately hit with a dark, erotic incense that sent a tingle through my stomach. My eyes perused the shelves and displays.
Oh my God.
It was a sex shop.
Oh. My. God.
In my shock, I glanced over at Brynn who was watching me with a devious smile on her face.
“Oh, don’t go all virgin on me now,” she laughed. “You’ve got a kid. You know what sex is.”
“Yeah, but… oh my God…” It was all I could think and apparently all I could say. Then it hit me… Brynn… and Kian… “Wait, you said we were here to get a surprise for Kian. You and Kian are into stuff like this?”
“Don’t knock it ‘till you try it,” Brynn shrugged before she turned towards a shelf of gleaming jewelry. “Ooh, pretty. Exactly what I was looking for.” She held up a pair of what sort of looked like earrings (but not) covered with rhinestones that glittered as she jiggled the packaging a little. I looked a little closer and read what they were, realizing where they were supposed to go.
“Oh my God.”
Brynn laughed.
“Those go on your nipples? How?”
“Well, I’m not going to show you. Google it.” At my horrified expression, she quickly added, “Actually, don’t Google it. It would probably scare the shit out of you.”
“Doesn’t it hurt?”
Brynn only smiled wistfully and shrugged. “That’s not necessarily a bad thing, Sage.”
Always Conall (Bitterroot #2) Page 15
