by Aceves, Gigi
Once Steven meets my worried expression he nods acknowledging my presence, then kisses Sophia’s forehead whispering something to her. Her head snaps up, her eyes lock with mine. As she makes her way to me, more tears fall while my heart hurts for her knowing that there’s nothing I could say, nothing I could do to ease her pain.
She slams hard against my chest, her grip so tight I can feel her heaving sighs as I welcome the pain she so willingly surrenders. Can someone really surrender their pain? In reality though, I think the question is can I really protect her from this? I don’t think I can because the heart feels what the heart feels. As long as her heart beats, she will forever feel the pain of losing her mother.
“I’m so sorry, baby.” The only thing I can say while holding her close to me.
“M—mom . . . m-m-mom . . . ,” she says gasping between words.
My lips land on her forehead as I squeeze her even harder. “There’s nothing to say other than feel. Let your heart feel it, allow your mind to accept it, fight through it because that’s what she’d want you to do.”
“I . . . I didn’t tell her. I . . . I sh—should have! I should have!”
“Baby, she knows you love her so much. Think back on what happened today, this morning. Don’t you guys still have your morning talks? Knowing your mom, she must’ve told you she loves you and you her before she stepped out of your room.”
As soon as those words leave my mouth, the deluge of tears is like a raging storm. The ache of her loss serves as a gust of wind ramming her body as she searches for some kind of cover against its agony. My eyes find the President huddled with Joe, a cell phone attached to his ear. If I were a betting man, I’d bet he’s talking to Dan who’s giving him a rundown of what we’ve unearthed so far. Guessing by the look of shock in his eyes, his lips in a thin line, and the ticking tension in his jaw, he doesn’t like what he’s hearing.
“We need to move, Damien,” Tony mumbles.
As we surround the two most important people whose hearts are beyond repair, we forgo mourning Amanda’s loss to make sure that no more lives will be lost today. Losing one is too many and it comes with a steep price. The pain will be felt by so many for a very long time but carried by my wife and her father until the day they die.
“We’re not leaving until I’m ready,” the President barks at Tony. “Sweetheart, are you ready to say goodbye to Mom?” His eyes are overflowing with pain and grief. I don’t know how he’s still standing. His voice is solid, masking his reality. “I always say goodbye to her, today won’t be any different.”
“Mr. President, we need to move you to a secure location. The threat is still out there, Sir. I have orders to leave now.” Tony’s commanding voice doesn’t leave room for arguments.
Steven’s face is curtained with fury as he faces Tony. “I say when we leave. I don’t care if the threat is still out there. Neutralize it! It’s your job. Right now, I’m going to say goodbye to my wife. Is that understood?”
“Yes, Sir.” Tony answers as he turns to leave.
“Sophia, are you ready?”
I nod for my wife who’s still visibly shaking against me. The three of us walk into the room, and for the first time my eyes land on Amanda. It’s as though she’s just sleeping. She looks peaceful, unmoving with her hands folded over her stomach, and a blue blanket covering half her body. Sophia and her dad stand on either side of the bed looking at Amanda with so much love shining in their eyes.
“Mom, I miss you already. I’ll take care of Daddy, don’t you worry. I hope I’ll feel you around me at the exact same time we have our morning talks. I’ll wait for you, Mom. I love you.”
I stay only to hear Sophia say her goodbye, but when Steven speaks I turn to leave. It hurts to see him hurt. I’m afraid I’m seeing my future if I continue what I’m doing.
Unwillingly, I let go of my wife to put her in the hands of her detail while I protect her father. As her husband, I should be the one to hold her . . . to protect her, but duty calls. This is the conflict that exists in someone like me. The tug of war between my head and heart is slicing me in half. The reality of the oath I took to protect the President battles with the vow I made before God and my wife that I would protect her forever. However, the choice was already made before the second promise ever left my mouth.
“There’s nothing to worry about, alright. You’ll be inside the beast with your dad. I’ll be right behind you, okay?” Calmly I grip her face with my steady hands, my fearless eyes conveying a message of strength. I hope it’ll give her some sort of peace.
She nods without asking, but instead speaks only of what she needs from me. Once again, she has taken the back seat without any complaint. “Please be careful. There’s something I have . . .”
I interrupt her, kissing her still quivering lips not wanting her to cry again. I nod in answer, assuring her that we’ll talk later. I watch her go inside the waiting limo followed by the President and his Chief of Staff. I turn to face Tony, awaiting his orders.
“Thank God this damn hospital has underground parking. Is everyone in place?”
“All major intersections blocked, air space secure. You’re good to go.” Dan’s voice comes loud and clear through everyone’s earpiece. He clears his throat then says, “Ryan and Sanders are staying behind with the First Lady.”
A painful silence hits us as Dan’s words echo through all of us, but we don’t have the liberty to succumb to it, not just yet. I climb in the back of the SUV behind the beast holding an assault rifle ready to fire if need be. We’re functioning at the highest level of stress following the incident at Walter Reed. As the motorcade moves it rises up even more, over powering everything else including thinking about my wife.
Dan gives us an update of the crowds gathering in front of the White House as we barrel down Pennsylvania Avenue. Along our route, people litter the streets as the police provide us clear passage.
“Heads up, boys, there’s a suspicious package reported by a trashcan at the corner of Pennsylvania Avenue and Fifteenth Street. It’s too late to divert now. Keep your eyes open and fingers ready.” I blow out a cleansing breath after hearing what Tony just said.
We’re almost there, I can taste victory. Hearing a possible situation brews ahead of us, everyone’s heightened sense of alertness reaches their maximum peak.
“If shit’s going down it’s gonna happen . . . . . .” I pause for what seems like hours as we near the intersection. “. . . . now . . . ,” I mumble at Greg next to me facing the right while I keep an eye on my left side. My finger itches to press the trigger with the slightest movement from anyone out on the street.
Nothing. Nothing happens, not a blast. As the motorcade roars by the gates of the White House, a silent sigh of relief leaves my mouth as well as every agent present. A shroud of triumph that we got the President and his daughter safely home permeates the air. I exit the SUV and run toward my wife, knowing she’d want to see me as soon as she steps out of the limo.
Steven’s anger and determination clearly etches his face as he exits the limo with Sophia right behind him. He reaches for her hand and never lets go until he notices me, then hands her over to my waiting arms. Pure relief rains down on me, cleansing me of the grime of trepidation I’ve been bathed in for the past couple of hours.
As we enter the residence, every trusted adviser and person working closely for the President gathers around him.
“Today is the day my heart beat its last as I watched my wife die, not in my arms to hold but for my eyes to witness. The office I serve didn’t take the life of my wife, but the evilness of corruption and greed did. I will address the nation in a couple of hours and masking my pain will be a tremendous feat. I know I need to overcome it, not for my own glory but for my wife’s memory. Even though the bullet didn’t hit me, it might as well have because my heart is bleeding, and frankly I don’t know if it’ll ever stop. I never once thought a person working for me would betray me. I won’t convince anyon
e to stay. Each has to follow because he or she believes in the person who’s leading. I intend to lead the way I know how, with honesty and transparency. If that doesn’t fit anyone’s agenda, walk away now.” He turns to face Dan, and then unequivocally says without a trace of doubt or fear, “Make the arrests immediately.”
Sophia once again falls into his arms as they share the agony of their loss that only they can truly feel. From where I stand, I can see her tears and feel her pain which serves as a future warning for me. What I’d feel if Sophia died because of my job. As I see my father-in-law force himself to stand and not fall in complete desolation, it forces my hand to make the hardest decision I’ve ever made—I need to walk away from the job I love to keep my wife safe. A mixture of emotions swells inside me as another tug of war brews between doing what I love and staying true to my love.
Loss—it comes in many ways, in different forms during different moments in a lifetime. The enormity of the pain doesn’t change, nor does the scar prove the healing power of time because a deep-seated wound still throbs painfully, constantly forever. My wife’s loss is also mine to bear because when I see her pain. . . . feel her sorrow. . . . and taste her tears, it’s as though I feel it, too.
Failure—I failed not only my wife but ultimately her mother Amanda and her father. Stopping the enemy’s plan is my job, not solely mine to carry but I’m a willing participant in its defeat, yet I failed . . . we failed and a life is lost because of that failure. Failure isn’t an option in our line of work because it results in a loss of a life we swore to protect.
Gain—one gains faith during great failures and even during painful losses. It’s the only way out of the quagmire of hurt as one traverses the path to healing. My Wildflower will be on this path for quite some time, but through her walk I’ll be right beside her. Perhaps carrying her a time or two, but in reality I wouldn’t mind carrying her the entire way.
SOPHIA
Five days after my mother’s death, we’re still surrounded by the demons that designed the destruction of my family. Damien has been a source of strength for me in more ways than one, and I’m truly grateful for it—for him; however, my mom’s loss has made me bitter—angry at the world my dad allows us to live in. People around us who we think care, don’t and people we think can be trusted, can’t. Our intimate circle grew once I got married, but now has shrunk because of mom’s death. We buried Mom two days after her death next to her parents in California. Dad said Mom wanted everything to be quick and simple so the past couple of days have been a whirlwind of events. I can still see it clearly in my head how my dad said goodbye at the hospital to the only woman he’s ever loved.
“I love you, Amanda. I’m glad I held you in my arms as I watched you sleep last night, danced our final dance this morning, and kissed our last today. I’ll keep it fresh in my heart and mind until we meet again. You once said you’d rather go first than suffer the pain of losing me. If I could have known, I would’ve asked God to take us both, but I know you wouldn’t want it that way. You would’ve wanted me to stay to look over our daughter. So painfully, I accept it, Amanda. I’ll live my last years without you, missing every part of you, but loving our daughter for the both of us. I’ll tell you everything when I see you. I’ll wait for you in my dreams. Meet me in my dreams, sweetheart.”
My watering eyes pull me back to my reality. It’s a reality I need to accept, a truth I need to own, and a pain I need to fight through to get to the other side. Something wonderful is happening and I can’t even enjoy it. But remembering how Damien finds out we’re pregnant eases the pain in my heart.
I wake up with my husband’s hand over my tummy. My mom’s still body suddenly flashes in my mind and a picture of my baby growing inside me quickly replaces it. It causes an avalanche of pain and hope all rolled into one. My shaking wakes him up and puts him in a protective mode.
“Hey, I’m right here,” he says as he pulls me toward him.
My arms wrap around his neck in a hold so tight more tears pour out of my eyes. Perhaps, it’s a mixture of guilt that I’ve waited this long to tell him and pain that my mother isn’t here to share in our happiness.
His hands rub my back in a soothing motion. “I wish I could take the pain away, baby. If only I could I would.”
“You . . . you’ve already given me a gift.”
“I’ve given you a gift?” He questions.
I pull back looking into his questioning eyes. “Yes, you’ve given me a gift. A gift I know we’ll forever treasure. We’re having a baby.” I smile even through my tears.
His eyes match mine. “My baby is having a baby?”
I nod. His hand caresses my non-existent baby bump. Back and forth his hand moves while looking deeply into my eyes. No words leave his mouth or mine, until he finds his voice.
“I’m happy we’re having a baby, though I wish Mom could have been here to share it with us.” He closes his eyes, dips his head, and whispers against my belly, “I promise, Amanda, I’ll love your grandbaby for the both of us. I’ll watch over, treasure, and protect him or her as you did my wife. Watch over your baby having mine in Heaven, and I’ll do the same here with every ounce of my being.”
With tears in his eyes and mine, he kisses me with so much emotion mine continue flowing.
“Don’t cry anymore, Sophia. Our baby will feel your sadness. Mom wouldn’t want that.”
“Okay,” I mumble. “Just keep kissing me then.”
He smiles and does what I ask. He kisses me until I stop crying.
While I snuggle comfortably next to Damien who’s watching the evening news, I remember the chaos that happened during and after my mother’s death. It’s embedded in my memory as I enjoy witnessing the demise of those who orchestrated it on TV.
“Everyone is still in a state of shock after hearing the head of the Secret Service enumerate the list of people involved in the failed attempt to assassinate President Andrews. Among the names mentioned were Senator Ted Harrison, the Senator’s brother, Ivan Harrison, Sophia’s close friend Bryanna Sinclair and her father, Alexzander Sinclair. According to authorities, Nicole Runoe was their informant and was killed after giving her statement. She answered all questions and admitted to working with Harrison and his cohorts under duress. The suggestive pictures of Sophia, the audio tape, and the abortion papers that were leaked to the media served as a diversion. The diversion helped Senator Harrison carry out the plan to literally take the President out of the running. The Senator hired a mercenary in Europe whose organization is on every watch list of every department of the US Government. We should expect an indictment coming from the Attorney General in the next couple of days. The word we’re hearing is that the evidence is solid against the Senator and everyone involved. Harrison and his accomplices will be charged with attempted murder, accessory before the fact, and conspiracy to commit murder. What scares me is the involvement of well-known mercenaries in Europe. How deep does this conspiracy go? Stay tuned as we continue to watch this developing story and will bring it to you live as soon as possible.” The voice of the late night cable news anchor plays in my head.
As the evening news fades into commercial, my memory zaps into thin air as well. I look up to find my husband’s smiling face making me return the favor instantly, though a small pressure of pain still squeezes my heart.
“Is the threat over, you think? I mean even after their arrests?” I question.
His brows furrow knowing my questions has got nothing to do with what we’re watching, or better yet what he’s watching while I keep him company. “Yes, for now. There will always be death threats against your father or any president for that matter, but they have it under control, Sophia. You have to trust that they can protect him.”
As my memory disappears in my mind, I still feel the phantom pain quite strongly. My heart is filled with a palette of different emotions ranging from anger because of mom’s death, relief because the people involved were arrested, happy yet conflict
ed because Damien quit the agency, sad because my dad’s pain will never cease. I’m upset, emboldened, fearful, hopeful, let down, depressed, and joyous. What a mess! I’m a mess!
I sigh loudly then ask, “They didn’t catch the guy that pulled the trigger?” I blow out a frustrated breath. “I hate Harrison. I hate him.” Wringing my fingers I ask, “And Bryanna, my God, I trusted her! For years she was my friend! How could she have betrayed me . . . betrayed dad? I don’t care if she was helping her family because that one bad decision led to my mother’s death. God, can you imagine if that bullet hit Dad? And then there’s Nicole. I don’t know if I should feel sorry for her or be glad she’s dead. There were so many people involved, it’s hard to wrap my mind around it.”
“Sophia, if we lived in a perfect world, we would have killed the guy, crucified Harrison and everyone involved, but we don’t. Patience is the key here, babe. Justice, though we want it served on a platter at the time of our choosing doesn’t really happen in real life. In most cases it’s slow, it’s hard, and it costs lives, many lives,” Damien scoffs, “Look at me. I’m the perfect poster child for being at the wrong place at the wrong time. Nicole used me as far as she could, and Bryanna used you as best she could. I know Bryanna’s betrayal shocked you. It shocked everyone, but it just goes to show what money can do to people. Money was her motivation and loyalty to her family. It just makes sense now why she knew more about the real plan than Nicole did. Of course her father would protect her. It wasn’t coincidence that she overheard Nicole and Harrison. They timed the whole damn thing to use Nicole as their escape goat. They knew our focus would be on Nicole because of the pictures and audio. They hooked Nicole, baited her until she was on board with their fake plan while pushing on with their original agenda. Bryanna fucking knew from the get go, and she did all this things under our damn noses.” He sighs heavily. “It’s frustrating I know, but it’s out of our hands. You just have to let it go and focus on us.”
