by Guerin Zand
That made sense I thought, like I really knew what made sense in space travel, and then I just had to ask,
“Are you going to teach my how to fly this shuttle?”
“Seriously?” Milly asked.
“Sure, it can’t be that hard, right?”
There was just silence. Not like that void of nothingness silence but pretty close.
Chapter 3
Drinks and The Nature of the Universe Explained
“Here” she said while opening the door to a small compartment. “This is my quarters and I can get you that drink you seem to be in such need of. After you.”
“No after you.” I responded in my must gentlemanly way. Truth is, I wasn’t turning my back on any of these “people”. You know why!
“Whatever” was her only response.
She opened a cabinet over a table / desk and pulled out the holy grail of all bourbon. This bourbon once wasn’t too difficult to obtain but after a heist, which many believed to be an inside job, it became very rare. I am talking about a fifth of 23-year-old Pappy Van Winkle’s Kentucky bourbon. As she pulled out a couple of glasses I asked, “Where on Earth did you get this?”
“Kentucky of course. We picked up four pallets for our main ship’s stores. You didn’t think we came all this way just for you, did you?”
Ok I think I had just been insulted again but I was going to let it slide. I didn’t want to risk her getting upset and not pouring me a glass of Pappy’s. I became convinced these no-good bastard aliens were the ones responsible for the Pappy shortage on Earth at the time. They probably pulled the whole alien honeypot gag on one of the distillery’s management, if not the owner himself, and threatened to release his ass rape party videos if he did not supply them with all the bourbon they wanted.
By the way, anyone notice this alien hotty just took me to her room for drinks? I certainly did.
She poured two glasses of Kentucky’s finest and turned away and told me to take a seat. As I took a large swig of this much needed medicine I saw Milly drop her overalls and remove her t-shirt. Ok at this point I sort of choked a bit on my drink, I think it went down the wrong pipe as they say, and almost spit up my mouthful of whiskey. I said ALMOST. I’m a professional and would never waste good whiskey in that way. Her ass was amazing! Ok she may “not be interested in my ass” but I NEVER said I wasn’t interested in hers!
Milly turned towards me, naked and in all her splendor, and asked “Are you alright?”
“I’m f.., f… fine”, I said but we all know that wasn’t true. “I just swallowed a little too much whiskey.” Sorry that’s all I had at the moment. My thought process was a bit pre-occupied and NO, I will not describe what I was seeing in detail just to sell more books.
She again turned her ass, I mean her back, to me and opened what appeared to be a closet, removed a sort of jumpsuit and proceeded to get dressed. Yes, yes, I know. I fumbled that one for sure but in my defense alien girls aren’t as easy as Earth girls. If you’re lucky, one day you’ll find that out for yourself.
Milly finished getting dressed, came back to the table to join me and took a seat across the table from me. The new outfit, some sort of one piece jumpsuit, really showed off Milly’s curves. It reminded me of the female Vulcan, T’Pol, from the Star Trek Enterprise series, in her Start Trek onesie. You know what I’m talking about. Who didn’t want to have a long drawn out discussion about the “Prime Directive” with that alien hotty?
As we sat there sipping our whiskey I noticed one of those lame silent pauses, you know the ones that happen when you’re with a woman for the first time, seemed to settle over the room. I really didn’t want to let this opportunity go to waste so I decided to take the lead and start a conversation.
“Milly I’ve been meaning to ask you how is it you know my name? When we first met, you used my name when you introduced yourself and I know I never mentioned it.”
“We’ve been watching you Guerin. I mean we have access to all Earth’s records so looking up your name was not really all that difficult.”
“You were watching me? Why? For how long?”
“We’ve been watching you for a quite some time. We know everything about you. You don’t think I would just come to some strange planet, plop down on some random location and grab the first man I see? I am not the sort of woman you’re used to meeting in one of those bars you seem to enjoy so much.”
Again, I detected a bit of an insulting tone but I ignored it. The whiskey helps with that you know. “What would you know about the ‘sort’ of women I meet in bars?”
“Oh Guerin. We have videos. If you would like to watch a few I can arrange that?”
Ok she was really starting to push my buttons now.
“And your obsession with your anus didn’t seem to be much of an issue with one young Sherry if I recall correctly.”
Ok, that did it. “Wait a minute Milly. That thing with Sherry was her idea and I just went along with her cause that’s the sort of lover I am. I’m very open to my partner’s desires you know, and there’s nothing wrong with that.”
In response Milly spit up a bit of whiskey, “fucking amateur” I thought, while trying to suppress what I could only assume was laughter. Very similar to the reaction I got from that herd of squirrels. That was probably her doing as well I concluded.
“Sorry”, she said as I reached into my bug out bag and handed here my towel so she could wipe up the spilled whiskey. She was still trying to hold the rest of it down with moderate success. “But really, I’ve seen the videos and that’s not exactly how I would describe your ‘love’ making.”
Ok time to change the subject but I will not forget this insult!
“Exactly how does that trans-dimensional portal work? Mind if I just refer to it as a transit portal for short? What did it to me? I mean why was I so disoriented. I’ve never felt like that before. It was terrifying.”
“Well that’s difficult to explain to someone with a limited understanding of the universe.” Now that was an insult, no question about it. I think Milly must be one of those mean drunks!
“Well maybe you could dumb it down a bit so the monkey at the table can understand?”
“Ok I’ll give it a try. You don’t have to be so touchy you know.”
“The transit portals, as you call them, are a link between two points in this universe’s spacetime. This universe is just one of many and the laws that govern spacetime in each universe are different. Imagine these universes as spheres, your so-called physicists like to call them bubbles, but in fact they are complex multi-dimensional constructs, and between these constructs is a void. Complete nothingness as you experienced during the transit. These complex shapes are such that every point in a universe’s spacetime is connected to the void between.” Milly continued, “The trans-dimensional portal breaches this universe’s spacetime in two places, connecting the two points in local spacetime through the void. The calculations and equipment used to achieve this are, as your old college professors used to say, beyond the scope of this course. You still with me?”
“Sure Milly, the dumb monkey understands. Do you have any bananas?” I just reached for the bottle and poured us both another drink.
“No reason to get testy Guerin.”, she huffed.
“Anyways, physical objects in this universe can’t exist in the void or in another universe’s spacetime. They are simply expelled back to their home universe, like similar poles of a magnet repel each other. But, and here is the real mind-blowing part of it, your conscience, or as you monkeys like to call it, your soul, can exist in the void or any of the gazillion other universe’s spacetime.” I was right she is one of those mean drunks. I should probably cut her off at this point.
She continued. “The disorientation you felt was your conscience separating from your physical reality in this spacetime, for an infinitesimal amount of time, and the portal lag effect of your conscious catching back up to your physical reality.” Ok I think this
validates my description, having your reality ripped out your ass, as dead on. “Very much like what a lot of humans experience in deep meditation or near-death experiences. If you were to separate your conscience from your physical reality for too long, you would essentially be dead.”
“I read an article about this recently. It talked about the multiple universes and how our conscience was essentially a quantum state that could transfer to other universes once we passed away. I think they called it a bio-centric model of the multi-verse or something like that.” I interjected to show this monkey weren’t no dummy.
“Very good. The monkey can read. Of course, that idea was planted by us and as college professors are fond of saying, the proof is left to the reader. Giving you the idea is one thing but you need to work the problem out on your own to truly understand the universe.”
Arrogant bitch! I didn’t see how I could ever marry this woman.
“It sure didn’t feel like an infinitesimal amount of time. It seemed like forever. I mean that is why it was so terrifying.” At least that was how I perceived it.
“That’s because in the void, time does not exist. Time is a part of the local universe’s spacetime. When your conscience is in the void it is there forever, so to speak. I really can’t dumb that down much more for you monkey boy. You’ll just have to accept it.”
As I poured my third drink, no more for Milly, I asked, “If my physical body can’t exist in the void then how can it travel through the void?”
“Remember your calculus? The infinitesimal delta time is the limit as delta time approaches zero so for all intents and purposes your physical presence was never really in the void. That’s it. Trans-dimensional portals for dummies. Simple really. All that whiskey probably isn’t helping you to understand this any better. Now can we go to medical? We’re running late.”
Milly stood up. I slammed down the rest of my whiskey, stood up and followed her out the door. As we left her room I said, “You’re wrong you know?”
“Oh, how’s that?” Milly seemed interested in what I was going to say.
“The whiskey does actually help me to understand better. I took many finals in college while still fairly snookered after a hard night’s drinking and I graduated no problem!”
“Yes, I have seen your college transcripts.”, Milly smirked. “I wouldn’t really be bragging about that if I were you.”
Ok most of you probably think she won that one but you’re missing the big picture. Let me point out my successes here.
1) Hotty invites me to her room for drinks. CHECK!
2) Hotty gets naked in said room. CHECK!
3) I get hotty slightly buzzed. CHECK!
4) I engage hotty in stimulating conversation and stun here with my extraordinary intellect. CHECK!
5) Hotty wants me more than ever now. CHECK!
There you have it. I think I was doing pretty good for my first AHE, alien hotty encounter.
Chapter 4
Upgrades, Dinner and More Drinks
We finally arrived at the medical facility. Needless to say, my ass cheeks remained clenched tightly as ever. Here Milly introduced me to Julie, the ship’s doctor. Of course, Julie was just about as hot as Milly. Beautiful long dark hair with dark brown eyes. She was also wearing the same type of onesie that Milly was wearing and I must say I approved. If things didn’t work out with Milly I now had a backup plan. Sammy was there as well.
Now for some reason the men I have seen on this ship don’t seem as attractive as the women. Not that I am attracted to men, but I can tell the difference between Pee Wee Herman and Brad Pitt. Sammy reminded me of Uncle Fester from the Adam’s family. At least he was wearing a looser version of what must be the ships onesie uniform. I don’t think I could have handled Uncle Fester in a skin-tight jumpsuit at this point.
“If you wouldn’t mind Guerin I need you to stand over here on these marks.”, Julie instructed.
It was a simple device with a pole behind me and a hula hoop looking object above, wide enough to go around my entire body. The machine started to hum, I saw the hula hoop thing start to come down around me encasing me in what looked like a big bubble. Then everything abruptly stopped and the hula hoop thingy was back where it had started.
“Thanks Guerin. That should do it. You’re good to go.” I was a bit puzzled. Nothing had happened, as far as I knew.
“Excuse me Julie but what just happened. I didn’t see anything happen and it must have taken less than a second.”
“Oh, the machine wraps you in a temporal stasis field during the exam so you won’t move, and nothing inside of you moves. From your point of view no time passed but the procedure actually took several minutes, our time. I did an initial scan then inserted some nanotech into your system to fix that kidney issue of yours, rejuvenate your cardio-vascular system and fix a bunch of other minor issues. I would have liked to go in to your colon, and give you a good cleansing”, yea, I bet she would have liked that, “but Milly told me about the OCD issues you seem to have concerning your ass. The nanotech should get that taken care of over the next few days and then they’ll pass out of your system. Your eyesight is 20/20 again so you won’t need those reading glasses anymore. You should feel like a teenager again. You’ll probably notice a little more active libido as well.”
Ok great. I would be even hornier than I was. Like a teenager again huh? How many of you think that was necessary? I did feel really good though, and the buzz from the whiskey was gone.
“Julie, I have been abducted and..”, Milly interrupted to correct me again. Big surprise there.
“No one abducted you Guerin. You came of your own free will.”
“That’s bullshit Milly! I was Shanghaied. This same thing has happened to many sailors in the past, just like it happened to me”
“Whatever.”
“As I was saying Julie, before Milly so rudely interrupted me, I’ve been abducted and I am stuck here on this ship. Don’t you think an overly active libido might cause some issues? Normally on Earth a doctor would ask a patient for consent before performing any procedures. I feel, I don’t know, violated???”
“Guerin”, Julie started with a bit of a giggle, “I can undo it all if that’s what you want but I don’t see why you’d want that. As far as any issues caused by your reinvigorated libido, well, I have seen your videos and, how should I put this, hmm, well I think you can, shall we say, ‘hand-le’ it?”
Ok, that was definitely uncalled for. Milly and Julie could barely contain their laughter. Sammy wasn’t even trying!
“Oh, very funny Julie. Bedside manor must be an unheard of concept in your medical training. Since we’re all being so open about this perhaps there are a few videos of you and Milly, how should I say, ‘handling’ it that I can view for my own personal entertainment. It might even help me with my ‘new’ condition.”
“Of course there are Guerin, but videos of the crew are confidential. They can only be viewed with proper authorization or the consent of the crew member. We simply cannot make those videos available to you.” Julie informed me.
“But I guess since I am not a member of the crew there is no such restriction on viewing videos made of me on board, right?”
“Milly did say you were pretty quick. That’s correct Guerin.”
I wanted to leave that room as fast as I could. The crew in the room seemed to be really enjoying my humiliation to no end. The only problem was I had nowhere to go.
Finally, Milly stopped laughing long enough to grab my arm and lead me out of the medical center. “Cheer up Guerin. I’ve got something I think you’ll like. You’re probably hungry so I’ll take you to the cafeteria and we can get some dinner.”
I was kind of hungry after what had turned out to be a long day. We walked down the hallway to a small room with a few tables and chairs for the shuttle’s crew dining area. On the shelves, there was what appeared to be some kind of microwave ovens and a drink dispenser.
Milly grabbed
a tray and handed it to me and grabbed one for herself. She stepped up to one of the microwave thingamajigs, placed her palm on the front and opened the door when the machine signaled it was ready. Milly removed what looked like a salad. Great, I thought, fucking Vegans! Could this day get any worse?
Milly looked at me, seeing the utter look of despair and started to explain how this food replicator worked. I called it a food replicator because it did sort of remind me of those things in the Star Trek shows.
“The food synthesizer can make whatever you want Guerin. You just have to pull up a memory of the food you want and place your palm on the front of the machine.”
“You mean this food replicator can …”,
Milly interrupted me AGAIN! “It’s a food synthesizer Guerin, not a replicator …”,
My turn to interrupt Milly, “Replicator, synthesizer, tomayto, tomahto, I don’t really give a rat’s ass what you call it but it would really be nice if you would let me finish a sentence without interrupting me!”
“Sorry.” She looked like she was upset and sincerely trying to apologize. Not sure I bought it but I gave her the benefit of the doubt and tried to calm myself.
“I’m sorry for barking at you Milly but it’s just been one of those days. So, this ‘food replicator’,” yes, I said that just to piss her off and see if she would interrupt me again, “can actually read my mind?”
“Not really. It doesn’t read your thoughts since they’re only temporary and very short lived. What it does read is your memory, which as you know, is sort of a storage device like the storage drives in your computers. Anyways, when you think of a food you want it activates a specific area in your memory. When you place your hand on the front of the synthesizer it connects through your bodies electrical system to that active memory location and reads the necessary information directly from your memory.”
“So it does read my mind? I mean my memory is part of my mind so reading my memory is reading my mind, right?”
