by Guerin Zand
“So Julie, how did this stupid monkey do? Can I eat the cheese now?”
“For a stupid monkey, you didn’t do too bad. You missed a few steps but as a brief overview, I’d say you pretty much got it. But please tell me how you can possibly take all these illogical assumptions and get this close to being correct?”
“It’s a talent of mine.”
“So, do you know why we picked you?”
“Sure Milly. It’s because I’m just smart enough to get through your trials and dumb enough to fall for your bullshit and agree to serve as emissary. And, of course, I’m the cutest and cuddliest monkey you’ve ever met.”
The whole table broke out in laughter, even Julie. Sid and Nancy were fast asleep in their parent’s lap at this point. Smart kids.
“So please Julie, explain to me now why is it the Bree Council is so upset about ‘The Little Trogan Incident’? You obviously expect us to do far worse in the future if the Trogans press us.”
“So, there is something you don’t know then?”
“Yes. Do you feel better now, knowing your slightly smarter than a monkey?”
“It’s your attitude Guerin.”
“Are you going to tell me I’ve got an attitude problem?”
“Yes. You enjoyed humiliating the Trogans didn’t you?”
“I’ll admit, I did find it a bit fun. Can you hold it against me if I enjoy my job?”
“See, that’s exactly the problem I’m talking about. It’s not about you having fun. Admit it. You took the twins just to insult the emperor even more. You did it for your own amusement, and not for the benefit of the twins as you say.”
“After it was over, I did think that taking the twins probably was the cherry on top, sure. But that wasn’t what I was thinking when I did it. The absolute truth is I wasn’t thinking. I mean I didn’t make a choice. I just did it.”
“And that is your one redeeming quality. Amid all your stupidity you manage to do the right thing without thinking. Maybe that’s why we don’t prepare you for these situations. If you actually had time to think you’d probably screw it up.”
“Just because I didn’t think about it doesn’t mean I didn’t have a reason for what I did. If I’d left them, I’m sure he would have taken the insult out on them as well. I’m sure all those guards are dead by now. You might ask then, why not save the guards too? Probably because my simple mind told me they weren’t as friendly as the twins. Am I wrong?”
“No. But it worries us that you enjoyed it. What is the difference then, between humans and the Trogans?”
“I did it because I was put in that situation. I didn’t come to you and ask if there were some alien ass I could kick for a little fun. I didn’t enjoy the situation you put me in, but afterwards I find the memories of it enjoyable, sorry. The Trogans do what they do because they enjoy it, not because they have to. If you don’t see the difference, why are you wasting your time on me?”
“That’s the question we have to answer.”
“If the fact that I enjoyed it is so wrong then explain why Bart enjoyed it? Wait, I shouldn’t single out Bart. You’re all enjoying these monkey tests, aren’t you? But you’re not doing it just to have fun either. It doesn’t bother me if you have a little fun doing your jobs why does it bother you when I do?”
“We’re not trying to insult you Guerin. You’ve shown yourself to be competent when it comes to assessing the situations you’ve encountered. We need to be sure that we don’t create an even bigger monster than the Trogans. You can understand that, can’t you?”
“Of course Stella. I don’t mean to seem so hostile to Julie, but when she tells me that she doesn’t like my attitude it makes me wonder. Do you want to adjust my attitude so I think and feel the way you want me to? If so, what’s the difference between a physical or a mental slave? To me, it’s the same thing.”
“Fair enough.”
“I apologize for ruining the dinner with my bad attitude. It’s just when Julie starts judging me like that I can’t help but get a little pissy. Let’s change the subject and talk about something fun. Tell me the funniest alien mating habit you’ve ever seen or something equally ridiculous.”
We spent the rest of the dinner with the others telling tales of the bizarre universe. I was kind of put off that I hadn’t gotten even a small taste of all the weirdness that was out there. Finally, Bart suggested we all retire to the bar and get the party started. We all agreed and made our way over to the beverages that waited for us. I was sticking with Pappy’s since I knew it may be a while before I would be able to get this beverage again. I got a chance to talk to Gladys and she told me how Bart did enjoy our little trip and bar adventure. It turns out they have seven daughters and poor Bart is always looking for an excuse to get out of the house.
Julie approached me. “Guerin perhaps we should talk, just me and you. You have time tomorrow before you leave so why don’t you join me for breakfast at my residence?”
“Why Julie? I don’t think any good has ever come from our little talks. Why would this time be any different?”
“Do you dislike me so much that you won’t even give me a chance?”
“I never said I disliked you, but of all the people I’ve met here, you’re the only one I don’t really trust.”
“Please? Just give me one last chance before you leave.”
“You promise no funny business? You won’t use your Bree juju to adjust my attitude?”
“I promise.”
“Ok.”
I wandered off to find Milly in the crowd.
“I need another drink. How about you?”
“Sure thanks.”
I want over to the bar and got us both a couple of Pappy’s. I stopped to talk to Sly and Stella for a bit. I mentioned once I got settled back home maybe we could open a small import / export business. I was sure there were a lot of Earth products they would like and I could probably use a Gluark contact. I also told them to let the children know I hadn’t forgotten about them and that I said goodbye. I’d be sending back the Reece’s Pieces I promised and a few other special gifts when Milly returned.
Milly came over and took my arm while grabbing her drink I was still holding.
“So, have we managed to make you mad again?”
“No. I’m not mad. Don’t worry so much about me. I think I’ve had enough practice handling the crap you throw my way. I’m sorry if I ruined everyone’s evening.”
“You didn’t ruin anyone’s evening Guerin. We always enjoy your little stories. It’s how we get to know you better. If anything, we sort of bait you into it just so we can get a response.”
“So, it’s all your fault Stella?”
“Of course not. Nothings ever my fault. You know that Guerin.” And Stella gave me a good wink and a bad girl smile.
“I hate to see you go Guerin.”
“Why’s that Bart?”
“You were absolutely right you know, what are we going to do for fun once you leave? The Trogan visit was the most fun I’ve had in at least the last century. And I don’t think our little drinking hole has ever seen such rowdy customers before.”
“Thanks for having my back on Trogan. I owe you one. Maybe one day you can hijack a shuttle and come get me on Earth. We’ll go check out some other, more friendly, independent worlds. Who knows what might happen.”
“Bart has had more than his share of fun for this century. Perhaps though, you might want to take a little trip out to one of those worlds with me?”
“Gladys? Are you hitting on me in front of your husband?”
“Oh, he doesn’t care. You’d be doing him a favor by removing one of the eight women from his house.”
“I don’t know. Bart’s a pretty intimidating looking man. You look like you’ve done your fair share of shit kickin’ in your day as well.”
We all laughed.
“You don’t have any objections Milly? That’s unusual.”
“You asked earlier about
strange alien mating habits, didn’t you? You might want to read up on a few before you say yes.”
“You trying to scare me Milly?”
“No.”
“Gladys, that sounded like a challenge. Let’s just say, hypothetically, should you and your space ship happen to be in the neighborhood, I’d hitch a ride with you anytime. It’s not like it would be the first time I ever did that.”
Chapter 31
Breakfast at Julie’s
The next morning, I packed up all my belongings in my bugout bag. Space travel seemed to be no different from travel on Earth in one respect, I seemed to have more shit to pack for the return trip then I had when I left. Milly told me to leave my bag and she’d have it delivered to my room on the shuttle. I thought twice about leaving my gun behind if I was going to have to deal with Julie this morning, but then I realized it was probably best. Milly rushed me out telling me we were running late and Julie was expecting me already. Like I really cared if I made Julie wait.
We arrived at Julie’s residence which was the penthouse on the floor just below the restaurant at the top of the city. Her residence was the entire floor. Obviously they could have put a VIP like me up in better digs. I had thought they all had the same basic rooms. I suppose Julie’s suggestion to have breakfast here was to impress on me just how important she was.
Milly knocked and one of the twins opened the door.
“You didn’t’ break your promise and give Julie the twins, did you?”
“No. Julie has room for them here and in return they’re helping her out. I’ve got some errands to run before we leave so I’ll come back later to pick you up. Ok?”
“Sure. That’s fine.”
“Come on in Guerin. I’ll take you to Julie.”
“Prima?”
“No, I’m Seca.”
“You two really should do something to help me tell you apart. At least a name tag or something.”
Seca smiled and I followed her into the residence. This place was fancy. It reminded me of Sly’s digs a bit but the finishings were even more elaborate. The entranceway alone was large enough for a good-sized gathering. We made our way through the reception area and the main dining hall back to the kitchen where Julie was waiting for me at a small casual dining area.
“I’m so glad you could make it Guerin. I was worried you might have had second thoughts about meeting with me.”
“I had more than second thoughts, but I said I would, so here I am.”
“Please have a seat and I’ll have breakfast brought out.”
From around the kitchen Prima appeared with a small cart. The only reason I knew it was Prima was because Seca was still standing at this dining area’s entrance. Prima placed a covered dish in front of us both and Seca was serving me coffee and Julie her normal witch’s brew, whatever that was. Prima removed the cover from our dishes and I had a nice plate of steak and eggs with a side of hash browns. She probably had asked Milly for advice on what to serve me.
“Thank you, ladies. If you wouldn’t mind leaving us now, we need to have a little privacy.”
“I hope you find your breakfast to your liking Guerin?”
“It looks great. Would you like a taste?”
“No, thank you. I do not care for meat as you may well know.” I know, what a perfect opening, but I just let it slide.
“Well as you may know it’s really not meat. You should try it. You may actually like it.”
“Are you scared I might be trying to poison you Guerin?”
“No. Why would I think that?”
“If I were, don’t you think I would have thought about you offering me a taste and made sure the poison would only affect you?”
“Ok. Don’t say I didn’t offer. I was just trying to be nice.” I couldn’t believe it. I think she may have actually watched The Princess Bride!
Julie and I dug into our meals. The faux steak and eggs was good. I wondered for a second if all this food wasn’t the same base nutrient just fixed up and flavored differently. I decided I preferred to pretend it was real and not worry about the truth. It tasted better that way.
We finished off our meals and I was sitting back waiting for Julie to start her little talk. I really didn’t have anything I wanted to say at that point and I wasn’t looking forward to this conversation. I don’t know why, but it almost felt like I had been called into the principal’s or boss’s office for a talking to.
“I guess I’ll start if that’s ok with you?”
“Shoot.”
“Why are you so hostile towards me Guerin?”
“Seriously? Where do you want me to start? The little fixup you did without my permission on the shuttle or the, I don’t know what you call it, thing you did to me after that?”
“I don’t understand. In all my studies, humans seem to want to live forever and when I make that possible for you, it upsets you. Please tell me why?”
“Maybe because I would have liked to have made the choice. I know that I’m not going to live forever, how long now is a big question, but a life that long could be a curse and not a blessing. Perhaps we’re supposed to live, die and repeat until we get it right. I don’t know for sure but if that’s the case then you’ve done nothing but stunt my growth. Sort of like being a child forever. I wouldn’t choose that.”
“And perhaps there is more than one path to that destination Guerin. Did you consider that?”
I couldn’t help but wonder if she was about to put out her hand and ask me to snatch the pebble, if I could. I’m pretty sure the branding part was a real possibility as well.
Sorry. If you’re not familiar with the Kung Fu series of the 70’s then you probably didn’t get that last bit and, well, I don’t care.
“Yes. The problem is I don’t know. It’s the sort of thing I would have wanted to know before I made the choice, if I’d been given a choice. Besides that, I’m not really human anymore, am I? I’m some sort of a freak. I don’t really fit in anywhere now.”
“You’re still human. You’re still Guerin. You should look past the short term. In the future, I can’t say exactly when, you’ll be just as normal as any other human. As I said, you’re just taking a different path. You’ll feel just as at home with us or back on Earth. You need to give it time. Children are always in such a rush.”
“That’s another thing. I don’t like being thought of as a child. Don’t you realize how insulting your condescending and arrogant attitude towards me actually is?”
“It’s not meant as an insult, just a statement of fact.”
“There you go again.”
“How else should I consider you? As an equal?”
“No one else here seems to have a problem with that. Maybe they don’t think it but at least they don’t treat me like a child.”
“I’m not singling you out Guerin. You know that by the same standard Milly is still a child as well. She has a lot of growing up to do and that is what I want to talk to you about.”
“Ok.”
It was pointless pointing out Julie’s shortcomings to her. She was right and that was all there was to it in her mind. I didn’t dispute that, on the intelligence level, I was inferior to her but why did she always have to be such an ass about it.
“Your relationship with Milly is a distraction to her. She needs to be concentrating on her future and not so much on you. I want you to end this relationship, for Milly’s sake. If you really care about her you’ll know I’m right. She has so much yet to accomplish and she needs to focus on that.”
“You know I care about her so don’t throw that at me. I don’t disagree that she should focus on her own future and I’m not going to stand in the way. Ending the relationship is another thing. I’m not going to hurt Milly. I believe that she cares about me as well. In fact, if that wasn’t the case, I don’t think we’d be having this talk, right?”
“You’re correct but look at this from outside of your own feelings. I’ll put it in terms that you sh
ould understand.”
Can you say condescending bitch?
“The two of you are a couple of love sick teenagers about to graduate high school and she has the chance to attend the best schools in the world but instead she wants to stay with you in some little obscure backwoods town. She’s ready to throw her future away and for what?”
Ok, I guess that was Julie translating what she said earlier into dumb-monkey-child English so I could follow along, with an added dose of insult at the end. It was a good thing I’d left my gun behind.
“What do you want from me? I said I wouldn’t stand in her way. I’m not stupid you know? I invited her to spend a few days with me on Earth, not come live with me. I know she has her own life and I don’t know when we’ll see each other again after she leaves Earth. That’s why I just want to spend some alone time with her before that happens.”
“You don’t get it, do you? I know you’re not standing in her way. Her feelings for you are. Spend your time on Earth with Milly but make it clear to her that it ends there for her sake.”
“Weren’t you the one who threatened to ruin my pathetic little life if I broke her heart and now that’s what you’re asking me to do. I’ll talk to her about not throwing her future away over me, and doing what’s best for her, but I won’t hurt her. Period. End of discussion.”
“You asked to be allowed to make your own choices and that is what I’m doing. Don’t be upset if it turns out badly.”
I’d said what I had to say on this subject. I was going to move on.
“Let’s talk about my future. I’m going back to Earth but then what? Are you just going to continue testing me by throwing random shit my way and see how I handle it? Let’s face it, the committee isn’t really calling the shots when it comes to me, it’s you? You don’t live in this little palace because it’s the only place available.”
